I am in my mid thirties gay guy never been in a serious relationship.

[MorrisseyX]

This post is going to be lengthy but I just feel I need a place to express my thoughts. I am not sure if people will understand my perspective but I will try to explain. Okay, I will start I am a black gay man that has never been in a serious romantic relationship in my life. The men I had these brief flings with were white or Asian. But two years ago I made a decision to stop it and try something different.


I've never had a romantic relationship with a black man I am determined to break this odd pattern that I have. I've never talked about this before.

I'm not an oreo, or an uncle tom, or anything like that. I have definitely had sex with other black men but I have not yet had a serious romantic relationship with another black man. People have told me "I talk like a white man " I don't know what that means. I think other black posters might understand what I mean with that last point.
I've been told that I'm "white washed" or whatever but I certainly do not to come across that way.
I care deeply about the black community, black issues ect.

The strange thing about me is the men that seem interested me like for instance, if I go to a gay club, or a hook up site, or a gay bar are white and Asian not black. Isn't that odd? I wonder to myself "why are white and Asian men interested in me and not black men?" Am I too nerdy and not cool and hip? I think that's the reason I think I give off the vibe that I'm not cool or interesting enough to interest other black men. And I think to myself "what can I do to interest other black men to give off the vibe that I am interesting and not a total dork."

I am rarely approached by black gay men which perhaps has to do with my issues with self esteem and self confidence.

I am also in my mid 30s and I wonder if something is wrong with me. Last year, I was a part of a gay black men's group I won't mention the city but anyway I digress. The group was interesting I even met a guy at the group and we became friends. I think this guy was interested in me but I only saw him as a friend and we drifted apart this year. I did like the gay black group because it was nice to be around people just like myself and have really interesting conversations which deal with life and intersections of race, class, gender, and sexuality. We talked about coming out, and how difficult it is for some gay black men to come out.

Anyway, the last time I attended the gay black group was in January and I haven't gone back since. The last meeting I went I just felt so out of place I felt odd. Although everyone in the group is black our cultures are very diverse and I'm not an immigrant nor do I have the immigrant experience.

I haven't ruled out going back to the gay black group maybe I will in the future.
The black men at the group were friendly and nice but they seemed like a clique and I am a bit shy. I wish I was a more stronger person, more assertive, confident ect but I am not.

I have this strong desire to have a romantic connection with another black man and I know I should be more social, go to more of the spots black men frequent such as the hip hop, reggae, music clubs in my city. I did do that over a year ago but haven't been to a night club in almost two years.

I guess I am probably in the minority on this board but I am thirty six years of age and I've never been in a serious romantic relationship. I've had flings, I have dated a couple of guys but each so called romance lasted for a few months. The longest I've ever gone out with anyone is four months tops.

The last date I went out on was over a year ago actually almost two years ago to be honest and it was so embarrassing.

I was excited about the date because it was with another black man. I am not sure if people will understand my perspective but, it is not easy to meet other gay black men who are out of the closet and comfortable being gay. Now this guy was, he was flamboyant but he was totally proud about being gay and that definitely excited me.

We are around the same age, although when I talked to the guy on the phone he sound effeminate but I told myself to give the guy a chance.I talked to a guy on a gay website we talked for three hours.

I met the guy and he was indeed effeminate, he told he worked at a clothing store. I talked about my interests and life at the time I was in graduate school.

We agreed to meet in downtown and we were supposed to see a movie. We went to a diner to eat some food and the guy asked me what I wanted to do after we saw the movie. I said "I'm going to go home." Well, about half an hour before the movie started the guy and I went to a clothing store he went on his cell phone and he talked to a friend. Next, we were supposed to go see the movie and he started to walk in the opposite direction of the theatre. I said "where are you going don't you want to see the movie?" He said "no I am going home take care." He kissed me on the cheek and that was it.

I haven't gone on a date since. I felt so humiliated and so stupid. I wonder what I did wrong? What did I say or what did I do to offend him? A friend of mine told me not to worry about it but I can't help think there is something terribly wrong with me.

I am not that social a person, I hate gay bars, I don't like the gay scene it just doesn't interest me.

I have conflicted feelings about dating, a part of me feels I am not emotionally ready for a relationship so I don't pursue one. Another part of me feels lonely and I wonder what it would feel like to be in love with someone?


For instance, one my concerns is, I go to gay bathhouses for sexual satisfaction and for a release. I don't feel bad anymore about going to bathhouses but I also am cognizant that's all those places are about sex.

My therapist says I shouldn't feel bad about going to them. He suggested to me that I need to be more assertive with other gay men. I disagreed I am just not an assertive type of person.

I thought about buying some of those gay dating relationship books on Ebay just to read and get a better understanding about this whole dating thing. I have resisted even bothering with dating because I think I need to work on myself more. I think I may go back to my therapist and discuss my concerns.

 

[bankside]

My theory is you should date the people who are interested in you. If that is white and asian guys, but rarely or never black guys, so be it. Also, I am very assertive in my relationship (but also very willing to listen) and i would never be assertive in a bathhouse because that is not what i'm about. Assertiveness and comfort level often depends on being in the right place at the right time. Maybe the bath house is not it.

Also, if you aren't attracted to effeminate guys, don't give them a chance. Don't date them. Leave them for the guys who really like that. If you go out with someone when you aren't really attracted to him you are almost guaranteed to be giving off a vibe that says "I'm not really attracted to your effeminate side, but I'm giving you a chance anyway. Don't you feel special now?"

Well, no, he does not feel special now.

Dating is a chance for you to pick and choose. It's not cruel to someone if you don't see a connection.

But most of all, don't push yourself to date other black guys. It is great that you are open to dating people of all backgrounds, but it isn't going to prove anything if you finally get yourself a black guy. Look around. Meet different people. Pick a guy you find attractive, no matter what his colour, and see if he feels the same way.

 

[MorrisseyX]

@bankside I can see your point to see people as individuals and there are good men out there regardless of their background. But I am thirty six, I want to have a deeper emotional connection with another black gay man because I've never had that before. I've never experienced that before.

@coward92 I definitely have self esteem and confidence issues I acknowledge this is a fact. Men tell me I am attractive and cute but I definitely could get into better shape. I think I let myself go a bit in the last two years. I know it will take time for me to regain my self confidence. But I am tired of being alone, tired of not having somebody in my life that is special. But I also realize I can't snap my fingers and meet someone tomorrow. Maybe in six months time I will go on a date again but not right now.

 

[Seasoned]

I'm wondering if your therapist is a black male and I'm also wondering if you fear black straight males. I'd run back to that black gay group even if they are immigrants. There's a whole lot of talk about black men who are able to pass for straight being on the DL. The effeminate men really don't have a choice.

Why don't you just be as social as you can be and allow yourself to look for love with a soulmate regardless of color or national origin?

The guy ended the date early because he wanted sex and you wanted a movie.

 

[bankside]

@bankside I can see your point to see people as individuals and there are good men out there regardless of their background. But I am thirty six, I want to have a deeper emotional connection with another black gay man because I've never had that before. I've never experienced that before.

The trouble is, you've decided who you want to date, who you will allow to be important to you, who you will let yourself fall in love with, and the only way to get that is to audition people for the job that you already have figured out in your head.

Once you have already imagined what that connection will be like, and who is allowed to have that connection with you, and who is ruled out, then you have stopped taking a look at the people in your life, and appreciating them as people. You're trying to find out who is close enough to the man you already love in your idealized imagination. No human alive can compete with that.

So maybe you will have a deep emotional connection with another black gay man. Or maybe you never will. Ever. Maybe it's just not in the cards. What would happen if you never met a black guy you clicked with? That won't matter if you look at the people around you and connect with them, whether they're black or asian or slavic or polynesian or….

 

[loveguys72]

OK, here's my $0.02. You're obsessing over being in a relationship with another black guy. Why? What's so magical about that to you? Do you think you'd be able to have a deeper connection to another black guy than to a guy of a different ethnic/racial background? Certainly, you'd have a common frame of reference. There are things black people in the US experience that people who aren't black cannot fully understand, no matter how sympathetic they are. But, is that a sufficient reason to specifically seek out a romantic relationship with a black guy?

FWIW, I'm also quite shy and reserved, and I too dislike the "gay scene". But, if I like a guy, or he shows interest in me, I'm gonna act. If it works out, super. If not, oh well. I tried. His race/ethnicity is irrelevant to me. Personality trumps everything, even looks.

My advice is to look for guys whom you find attractive as people and quit being so hung up on the packaging.

Good luck.

 

[MorrisseyX]

I tried that though, I've gone out with men of different background and it never went anywhere serious. There were also people I felt who stereotyped me and were only interested in having sex with men because I am black and not a relationship. So I am cautious about this whole look beyond colour thing because I don't want to go through that again.

The last guy I went out with he was of South Asian background and he was deeply in the closet. He couldn't come out to his family he had issues with his sexuality. I tried to understand his point of view but I think the cultural differences were part of the reason we didn't work out.

I will never say never but, I do wonder if it is really possible of someone of a different background to really understand my perspective on life?

 

[loveguys72]

I think the important thing for you is to find a guy who wants to go slow, build a strong personal relationship, and really get to know each other prior to any physical intimacy. Your current desire to have a relationship with another black man seems to me to spring from the fact that your previous relationships with men of other ethnicities either haven't gone well or ended too soon. You therefore hypothesize that if you had a relationship with someone of your own race/ethnicity, that it would go better and would be a lasting one. And, perhaps it would. More likely, it would follow the same pattern as your previous relationships.

I would advise exploring the dynamic of your past relationships. Take race out of the equation and ask yourself, what did those guys have in common? What attracted you to them? What arose in the relationships that caused them to end. Taking your last relationship as an example, the guy's ethnic background is irrelevant. You simply can't build a lasting and productive relationship with someone who's uncomfortable with and unaccepting of himself, because you're the only one doing the building. The other guy is too busy denying and hiding from what's going on. It would have failed equally had he been white, black, brown, or purple.

Finally, you must accept that not every guy you meet and like will develop into a lifelong, or even long term, relationship. Most connections don't survive the first 30 days. Finding the right person for you, if that's what you want, takes time and much patience.

I would advise discussing all of this with a qualified counsellor. Specifically, you should address your lack of social engagement, and work from there to discover why you gravitate toward the personality and traits the men you've had prior relationships display.

You have a long personal journey ahead. I wish you well.

 

[hanzosword]

If you want to be cool then be yourself. There is nothing cooler than to be yourself, whoever that may be. I'm black and I have always been my unique self. I don't fit into any category. I talk like a southern black man and I'm into hip hop and rap like other black men but I'm still very unique. I can hang out with black guys, white or whoever.

The point I'm trying to make is that there is nothing wrong with you and you don't need to change how you talk or anything like that. If you never dated a black man then so what? You should be with who you are compatible with no matter what color he is. Please don't give another thought to pleasing the "black community." You have to live with yourself and make yourself happy. You'll never be happy worrying about pleasing others. Just keep being yourself.

 

[MorrisseyX]

If you want to be cool then be yourself. There is nothing cooler than to be yourself, whoever that may be. I'm black and I have always been my unique self. I don't fit into any category. I talk like a southern black man and I'm into hip hop and rap like other black men but I'm still very unique. I can hang out with black guys, white or whoever.

The point I'm trying to make is that there is nothing wrong with you and you don't need to change how you talk or anything like that. If you never dated a black man then so what? You should be with who you are compatible with no matter what color he is. Please don't give another thought to pleasing the "black community." You have to live with yourself and make yourself happy. You'll never be happy worrying about pleasing others. Just keep being yourself.

Wow this is really good advice hanzosword, I guess never thought about being just myself. This does sound like good advice.
I do like R&B like Meshell N'Degeocello, Erykah Badu, Kelly Rowland, ect. And I like abut I don't listen to hip hop. I also like Marilyn Manson, Hole, Smashing Pumpkins, PJ Harvey.

 

[Benvolio]

About the date you described in your first post. When he asked what you were going to do after the movie, he was interested in sex. I think your response that you were going home felt like rejection to him. It seemed final and a closing of the door. A better response would have been: why don' t we go to my place? Or, I don't know what do you want to do?

 

[gameboy 11]

About the date you described in your first post. When he asked what you were going to do after the movie, he was interested in sex. I think your response that you were going home felt like rejection to him. It seemed final and a closing of the door. A better response would have been: why don' t we go to my place? Or, I don't know what do you want to do?

This. And I don't really have much to add besides the fact that I think it's cool that you listen to a diverse bunch of artists/bands like I do.