I have been coming to JUBS for years and I know how you guys treat everyone like a family. So, this is my try to express myself and hopping for someone can help me. I know, there is simply no one in this world that does not have any complication in their life. Everyone has their own problem and they are managing as much they are able. Although there are so many way to solve their problems, there are consequences. Sometimes people come to an end when they cannot decide what they should do. I know this is going to be long but I don’t know how to write any less. I hope you guys will understand my life story.
I am a 24 years old college student, living in USA. I was born in a Muslim family in Bangladesh. I moved to USA when I was 15. From early age, I knew I was different. I always wanted to play with girls instead boys due to my shyness. Thinking about it now, I was never interested in playing soccer or any other boys’ game. My older sister, who is 5 years older than me, always liked to dress me up like a girl. I was her doll. My sister had a white and blue dress with some kind of glossy dot glued to it. I would let my sister dress me as girl with only one condition if she would let me take those glossy things. I didn’t mind at all, it made me feel special and beautiful (at least my 4/5 years old mind thought so). I still remember, although I would wear guy’s cloths in public, people used to think I am girl because of my good looks and fair skin.
But growing up was not easy. People in school and my neighborhood, older kids used to tease me saying that I am a girl. The concept of Gay was not that clear when I lived in Bangladesh. I got so scared of those people that I almost stop going outside. My young mind knew, although I like to act like a girl, I am not supposed to be like this because I was born boy. And boys supposed to be macho and manly. I tried but could not able to act like a real boy. My whole world suddenly become very small, was only limited to my school and house. I guess that was huge advantage for my parents. Unlike other boys of my age, I was always calm and hardly ever gave them any trouble. They never had any complain about me and all the other kids’ parents would tell their kids to become a good boy like me. Throughout the years I learned to hide myself and my feelings. I hardly talk about myself. So you guys should know it took me great lot of time to write this.
Suddenly my parents decided to move to USA. For the entire eighteen hours of journey, my fifteen-year-old mind only thought about what my life going to be like. This new world was way too different from my world. I always thought that being gay was somehow my fault and tried to hide it from rest of the world. I cannot count how many times I tried to change myself but failed to do so. It took me so long to accept myself.
I stared working when I was in 9th grade, within few months of moving in, due to our financial troubles. I had part time job throughout my high school. Right after I graduated, my dad left us here saying he cannot adjust in this foreign land and only option for him to move back. Although my mom, older sister and younger brother was still here, all the responsibly fell on my shoulder because my mom never worked and she always been housewife. My older sister was mentally ill, she is schizophrenic. She never wanted to take her medication and was very aggressive. I took care of her until she got married and moved back to Bangladesh. So, when I entered my college life, I was working full time with full time classes. I drown myself in work, school and family to distract myself from my needs because I knew my religion, culture, and my family would never accept me as who am I. I go to University of Texas at Austin, which is one of the top public universities in US. It’s not easy being student here with full time job.
Right after my sister got married, I thought things might change for better but then like a thunderstorm, my mom got really sick. She was hospitalized four different times and needed constant assistance. I could not keep up with everything. I was doing poorly in my classes and ended up dropping most of my classes. Although my mom is doing much better now but I am not doing so well, I am just too worn out. I cannot focus anymore. Everyone tells me how great I am and they need to have son like me. But if they truly knew me, I know they will be disgusted by me. My culture, religion doesn’t approve homosexuality. My religion, my culture thinks homosexuality is the worse sin of all. Although I am gay, I do believe in God, I pray to him all the time to help me but he never listen. I haven’t properly come out to the world yet. I don’t want to lie anymore and don’t want to lead a double life either. So before I ended up doing anything, I told my Dad. He thinks I should change myself. He says if I chose to be gay, they have to abandon me because it’s god’s will. I know I don’t care about what he says because he is never around and I am taking care of everything. But I don’t want my family to suffer because who am I. I know how much pressure they will be from relatives and friends. That’s why I suffer and don’t know what to do. I don’t have any friends, I mean true friends. I am very good at listening to others problem but when it’s comes about me, I don’t like to share. I feel like I am going to give them so many burdens. I think I am a good person. I always want to help others but why is my life is like this? I believe in my religions and I don’t want to go against that either. I know a lot to people probably in my situation and they are leading double life. Although I want to have family and want to have kids of my own someday but I can’t marry a woman. That’s what my parent wants but I don’t have any rights to destroy someone else’s happiness.
I know you guys would probably say, stop thinking about others and just focus on yourself. But I always have been that way. I always think about others before doing anything. I think about how it will affect them. Sometimes I really wish I could be just like others who don’t give a damn about others. I just don’t know how.
Now, I am scared to dream about a better future. I don’t see myself being happy and I think no matter what I do I will never be happy. I am so hopeless. I can’t concentrate on studying any more. My grades are falling and I can’t sleep, all the thoughts rushed to me when I tried to sleep. I feel like why should I try, I know I will never be happy. It does not matter I am a millionaire or I am homeless, I will be alone and unhappy. I can’t take it anymore. I keep thinking about dying but I know I don’t even have that option because who is going to take care of my mom and my younger brother. I don’t have the courage and strength to fight against it either. I am so tried and exhausted. Recently I dropped out of school because I was just fooling myself that I can focus and now I have huge loans without a degree.
Forgive me for this long story. I just could not able to write any shorted. If you read it all the way to the end, I am really thankful to you because you took your valuable time for me.
I am a 24 years old college student, living in USA. I was born in a Muslim family in Bangladesh. I moved to USA when I was 15. From early age, I knew I was different. I always wanted to play with girls instead boys due to my shyness. Thinking about it now, I was never interested in playing soccer or any other boys’ game. My older sister, who is 5 years older than me, always liked to dress me up like a girl. I was her doll. My sister had a white and blue dress with some kind of glossy dot glued to it. I would let my sister dress me as girl with only one condition if she would let me take those glossy things. I didn’t mind at all, it made me feel special and beautiful (at least my 4/5 years old mind thought so). I still remember, although I would wear guy’s cloths in public, people used to think I am girl because of my good looks and fair skin.
But growing up was not easy. People in school and my neighborhood, older kids used to tease me saying that I am a girl. The concept of Gay was not that clear when I lived in Bangladesh. I got so scared of those people that I almost stop going outside. My young mind knew, although I like to act like a girl, I am not supposed to be like this because I was born boy. And boys supposed to be macho and manly. I tried but could not able to act like a real boy. My whole world suddenly become very small, was only limited to my school and house. I guess that was huge advantage for my parents. Unlike other boys of my age, I was always calm and hardly ever gave them any trouble. They never had any complain about me and all the other kids’ parents would tell their kids to become a good boy like me. Throughout the years I learned to hide myself and my feelings. I hardly talk about myself. So you guys should know it took me great lot of time to write this.
Suddenly my parents decided to move to USA. For the entire eighteen hours of journey, my fifteen-year-old mind only thought about what my life going to be like. This new world was way too different from my world. I always thought that being gay was somehow my fault and tried to hide it from rest of the world. I cannot count how many times I tried to change myself but failed to do so. It took me so long to accept myself.
I stared working when I was in 9th grade, within few months of moving in, due to our financial troubles. I had part time job throughout my high school. Right after I graduated, my dad left us here saying he cannot adjust in this foreign land and only option for him to move back. Although my mom, older sister and younger brother was still here, all the responsibly fell on my shoulder because my mom never worked and she always been housewife. My older sister was mentally ill, she is schizophrenic. She never wanted to take her medication and was very aggressive. I took care of her until she got married and moved back to Bangladesh. So, when I entered my college life, I was working full time with full time classes. I drown myself in work, school and family to distract myself from my needs because I knew my religion, culture, and my family would never accept me as who am I. I go to University of Texas at Austin, which is one of the top public universities in US. It’s not easy being student here with full time job.
Right after my sister got married, I thought things might change for better but then like a thunderstorm, my mom got really sick. She was hospitalized four different times and needed constant assistance. I could not keep up with everything. I was doing poorly in my classes and ended up dropping most of my classes. Although my mom is doing much better now but I am not doing so well, I am just too worn out. I cannot focus anymore. Everyone tells me how great I am and they need to have son like me. But if they truly knew me, I know they will be disgusted by me. My culture, religion doesn’t approve homosexuality. My religion, my culture thinks homosexuality is the worse sin of all. Although I am gay, I do believe in God, I pray to him all the time to help me but he never listen. I haven’t properly come out to the world yet. I don’t want to lie anymore and don’t want to lead a double life either. So before I ended up doing anything, I told my Dad. He thinks I should change myself. He says if I chose to be gay, they have to abandon me because it’s god’s will. I know I don’t care about what he says because he is never around and I am taking care of everything. But I don’t want my family to suffer because who am I. I know how much pressure they will be from relatives and friends. That’s why I suffer and don’t know what to do. I don’t have any friends, I mean true friends. I am very good at listening to others problem but when it’s comes about me, I don’t like to share. I feel like I am going to give them so many burdens. I think I am a good person. I always want to help others but why is my life is like this? I believe in my religions and I don’t want to go against that either. I know a lot to people probably in my situation and they are leading double life. Although I want to have family and want to have kids of my own someday but I can’t marry a woman. That’s what my parent wants but I don’t have any rights to destroy someone else’s happiness.
I know you guys would probably say, stop thinking about others and just focus on yourself. But I always have been that way. I always think about others before doing anything. I think about how it will affect them. Sometimes I really wish I could be just like others who don’t give a damn about others. I just don’t know how.
Now, I am scared to dream about a better future. I don’t see myself being happy and I think no matter what I do I will never be happy. I am so hopeless. I can’t concentrate on studying any more. My grades are falling and I can’t sleep, all the thoughts rushed to me when I tried to sleep. I feel like why should I try, I know I will never be happy. It does not matter I am a millionaire or I am homeless, I will be alone and unhappy. I can’t take it anymore. I keep thinking about dying but I know I don’t even have that option because who is going to take care of my mom and my younger brother. I don’t have the courage and strength to fight against it either. I am so tried and exhausted. Recently I dropped out of school because I was just fooling myself that I can focus and now I have huge loans without a degree.
Forgive me for this long story. I just could not able to write any shorted. If you read it all the way to the end, I am really thankful to you because you took your valuable time for me.
