I came out to a friend for the first time Saturday night

[pe_gay89]

Well, as the title suggests. It felt such a relief to tell a person I actually know outside of the internet.

The guy I told was gay too, so that was easy. Now, I just have to work myself up to telling a straight friend. My sister, bless her, knows. Well, she doesn't know, but she knows, if you know what I mean? No? Don't worry, I lost myself too. But strangely, I don't really want to confirm what she thinks yet. She's said she'd be okay with it, and I know Mum would be too. But the real reason I don't want to tell her is that she often thinks she knows best (wonder where she got that from). I don't want to tell Dad, cos I know how he'll react, and I think I'd like to be in a different country. But my sister sees good in everyone and might tell him anyway. And if I tell Mum, she'll insist I tell my sister. I know they'd both be happy I'm finally being true to myself, but I can see it becoming a bit awkward and going places I don't want it to. I dunno, d'you think I'm just being paranoid?

Still, at least I've taken the first step! I needed to tell some people, and I thought if I couldn't tell you lot, who could I tell?

 

[G-Lexington]

Way to go on that. But seriously, why not tell your sister? She already told you she'd be OK with it, so there's nothing to be gained by "withholding" the information. Coming out is mainly something to get beyond, so you may as well clear the easy hurdles first.

Lex

 

[LoveIsNow]

Yeah, tell your sister; it'd be nice of you, since she's tried to be supportive already.

 

[Eagle653]

Congratulations on your first step. I think that's always the hardest. It gets easier with each telling.

Your sister sounds cool. Your mum? Sure--don't be surprised if she already knows--mothers have a 6th sense about such things.

Good luck with everyone. Keep in touch and let us know how it goes.

 

[backpacker]

Congratulations!!! The first one is always the hardest.

With regard to your sister, do you think she would tell your dad even if you ask her not to? Is so, I can understand your apprehension. With regard to your dad, sometimes people surprise you with their reaction. If you tell your mom and sister, your dad will probably find out. They may not tell him, but things have a way of slipping out once everyone becomes comfortable. Since I assume you won't want to remain in the closet for ever, will it will really be better to tell him later instead of now? If you are still dependent on your parents and you think your dad would cut you off, then I can understand waiting. If that's not the case, then sooner may be better. Come out when you are ready. This is just food for thought.

 

[rareboy]

Yayyy.

Now you can get on with living as an openly gay guy.

 

[pe_gay89]

Thanks for the support!

My sister is usually really good, but if she's convinced she's right, she'll go ahead and do it anyway. Mum and Dad split years ago, so I have no financial worries, but I don't want to lose contact with him over this. My step-mum is really cool, she'll be fine with it. She knows a gay couple, so his opinion of us has improved somewhat, but I don't think either of us are ready for it yet. I know he'll react badly and I'll blow up about it. Both of us being the stubborn bastards we are will refuse to talk to each other for months, and I don't want that. An iPod ruined our relationship for almost a year, I can't imagine this faring any better. My sister telling him would exacerbate the situation. No, I'll tell him when I know I'll be able to deal with his reaction maturely. Unfortunately, I'm not completely sure my sister will see eye to eye with me on this one.

 

[tallguy297]

Hey pje,

Congrats mate on an awesome step! Dont underestimate the courage it took to come out to a gay guy... coming out is coming out. Sometimes hearing those words come out of your own mouth out loud no matter who its too can be a frightening thing... be proud mate, really proud!

Tell your sister and mum in your own time mate. If you suspect they already know then it wont matter if you tell them today or next week... just resolve to tell them sometime.

As for your Dad mate, sometimes our parents suprise the hell out of us. You sound like your both strong willed so thats good beleive it or not - it means youll stick to your guns if things get a little heated. But no matter what happens mate, remember theres no point winning the battle if you lose the war. If he gets uspet or heated, walk away, be the bigger guy.

This isnt worth losing him over and with time he'll come around... its hard but sometimes its us having to parent our parents with this. Somehow from your posts pje I have a feeling you'll do just fine.

Good luck mate in your journey, its great to see a guys whos switched on and wise enough to be able to see his path. Do this your way, in your time. But in the meantime mate hold you head up high and be as proud as hell of who you are and the strength you have.

 

[pe_gay89]

Thanks for the kind words, tallguy!

As for your Dad mate, sometimes our parents suprise the hell out of us. You sound like your both strong willed so thats good beleive it or not - it means youll stick to your guns if things get a little heated. But no matter what happens mate, remember theres no point winning the battle if you lose the war. If he gets uspet or heated, walk away, be the bigger guy.

That's exactly why he can't know yet, because I know I couldn't be the bigger guy yet. He'll come out with some bollocks about me just being confused, and all I need is a weekend with a copy of playboy and box of kleenex to fix me, or else he'll come out with a load of derogatory bollocks, and call me a fag or something. Knowing this doesn't help. I couldn't care less what strangers think, and I can always find more accepting friends. I know for a fact, though, that I'll flip out at him, and I can't see either of our reactions being any better than I've already said. Maybe I'm underestimating him, but I don't think I am, and I can't take that risk.

This isnt worth losing him over and with time he'll come around...

You're absolutely right. When he does come around, it will mean nothing if we're refusing to talk to each other.

Thanks for the positive feedback, though. It means alot.

I'm heading home on Thursday, I'll tell my mum and my sister then. I'll let yet you know how it goes.

 

[tallguy297]

When he does come around, it will mean nothing if we're refusing to talk to each other.

I'm heading home on Thursday, I'll tell my mum and my sister then. I'll let yet you know how it goes.

Yeah mate you are right about it meaning nothing with your Dad... I admire your strength in knowing your weakness... if that makes any sense.

Good luck with your Mum and sister - I hope it goes really well pje... you deserve it too.

 

[dktechno]

Well at least you have told one person, I can't even do that much and I told myself in February I would. Congrats and I hope everything works out.

 

[backpacker]

Maybe it would not be such a bad idea if your sister told your dad. Hopefully that would allow him some time to gather his thoughts and not have the news be so raw when you talk to him.

If you think it's best that it comes directly from you, here is another option. Call him and say "I have something to tell you. I'm going to tell you what it is now, but I don't want to discuss it now. I don't want either of us to say things we will regret. I want you to take some time to think about it before we discuss it. Let's plan to talk again next Saturday. As soon as I tell you I'm going to hang up so that we don't get into a discussion now. I'm gay. I'll talk to you next week. Love you. Goodbye." If he tries to call you back, ignore the calls and delete any voicemails without listening to them. Hopefully after a week you both will be ready to have a rational discussion.

Since you have an idea of what your dad may say, the best plan is to prepare and practice your responses. Having things prepared will allow you to have thoughtful responses and keep your emotions in check. Get your friend or sister to role play with you. If you put your mind to not reacting badly to what he says, I'll bet you can do it. Please understand it's normal for parents to question if it's a phase or think that you can change. Parents often go through some stages to acceptance and these are two of the steps. Keep in mind that you have known for a long time, but it will be all new to him. If he reacts badly, don't think that will be his final position. Most parents come around after they have some time to deal with the news.

Good luck with your mom, sister and especially your dad.

 

[pe_gay89]

Thanks for that, backpacker.

I wouldn't ask my sister to do it for me, but if it happened, I'd just have to go with it. The phone call idea is good, I'll give it some consideration. In any case, it'll be a while before I'll feel like I can tell him and deal with his reaction. At the moment, knowing (thinking I know) how he'll react is no good, as I'm not sure I could be mature about it. I can plan all I want, but he has a way with words that just makes me think 'No, why don't you just fuck the hell off?' sometimes. It'll take me a while, but I'll get there.

I understand it's quite normal for parents to doubt it, hell I doubted it myself for a fair while. I thought I'd grow out of it and suddenly become attracted to girls. Of course, it didn't happen, I've accepted it, and now I feel better about myself. My dad's just going to have to go through the same process, and I'm sure he'll be pleased for me once he's worked himself through it. But as I've said, if we talk too soon about it, I can more or less guarantee we'll fall out about it, and then his acceptance will mean nothing. I'm positive his position will change with time, I just need to be mature enough to be the bigger person until he does.

Thanks for the support, anyways. I'm going tomorrow, I'll be there 'til Monday, so it will happen over this period, when I can't say. But it will happen, and I will report back here about it.

 

[pe_gay89]

Well I told my mum and sister about an hour and a half ago. It went well. It started with the words 'I know', which was kind of annoying. So that's three people! They agree with my stance on dad, and mum reckons it might be an idea to wait until I have a partner to tell him. So that he has to accept it, and can't cling on to some remote hope of me just having to find the right woman or something. The main thing is, though, they both said I have to wait until I'm comfortable doing it. I'll have the support of both of them whenever I choose to tell him. So, yeah, I'm in a very good mood!

 

[Lube]

Well I told my mum and sister about an hour and a half ago. It went well.

Yay! Congrats! Feels great, doesn't it? Welcome to the Out Jub Club.

It started with the words 'I know', which was kind of annoying.

It often does, whether verbalized or not.

The main thing is, though, they both said I have to wait until I'm comfortable doing it.

You don't have to, but it certainly makes it a lot easier from your perspective. Just don't wait forever.

I'll have the support of both of them whenever I choose to tell him. So, yeah, I'm in a very good mood!

You sound like you're in a very good position (um, so to speak!). Congrats again.

 

[tallguy297]

Awesome pje, just brilliant! Sounds like you have a family that cares for you and just wants you to be happy - congrats mate on your strength and being the sort of son that makes your mum happy!

Its great to see them think through the situation with your Dad with you too... their support will make things easier when the time comes - no matter when you choose to make that decision.

Thanks for sharing your experiences with us pje... I'm sure a lot of guys will take good things away from your posts!

 

[mofoka69]

Coming out is a hard process. It is not to discourage you, on the contrary, though it is hard at the beginning, it will get easy as you go on. Every single person you tell, the next one would be that much easier. Trust me im in the process myself. More than half my friends know, and my younger brother also. And above all my friends, I am very happy I told my younger brother. He is so supportive and he is always around so it makes things a lot easier!
So tell your sister, specially that you know she will be fine with it! Good luck and I hope everything goes well