I can't do this anymore

[gdude30]

I'm sorry. But this thread is probably gonna be through of drama, emotions, negativity, shit, and other stuff that you don't care about and I don't blame anyone for not wanting to read it.

But right now. I need help. I can't do this on my own anymore. I can't live like this anymore. I can no longer go. "Well it seems like no one will help me. Guess I gotta keep moving forward and do my best on my own and try to ignore it."

I can't do that anymore.

I just can't. It's too much.

Guilt, sorrow, regret, emptiness, lonliness, and wanting..

I just feel so low right now.

I feel like everything that has ever happened is coming at me right now. Living without knowing who my real parents were, having to deal with being made fun of when I was younger for having two gay dads which is something I can't control, never really fitting in or having friends, being an outcast, being paranoid, worrying too much, failing, letting my parents down, having no one believe in me, doing everything on my own, trying to make friends, being hurt by close friends of mine, losing every single friend I had, never getting a girl, ostracized for being different, and always so damn trusting and gullible. It's not in me to hurt someone. Although sometimes I really wish I could. I know I could never bring myself to do it.

But I hate always seeing people with their parents and their moms or dads and taking them for granted when I don't even have a fucking mom. When my real father is dead. I will never know him..

I don't even know why the fuck or how the fuck he died. All I know is that he's dead. And that my real parents gave me up for unknown reasons. Of course my foster dad's tell me "It's because they love you."

..But is that really the truth?

What kind of christian parents are going to tell their son or daughter, "You're parents diddn't want you so they gave you up."

I couldn't blame them for not wanting me though. I would have probably ruined their fucking lives. Well fuck them.

I hate how it seems I have always clinged to life or struggled to get by. While it came easy to everyone else. Friends, love, support, and happiness. Always came easier to others. Charm, popularity, sneakiness, and all that shit has gotten them everything.

I just hated the fact that when I was younger I had to pretend like everything was an adventure or something new and go off and wonder on my own and explore new places and things. Because no one wanted to be around me because I wasn't into what they were into and I thought different then them. For a while I did have friends and I was popular but it was all fake and shit. When I realized it was I took my stand and lost everything.

I fucking feel like drinking right now. But that's irrelevant. Even though it's not.

I remember my sister used to be mean as hell to me to. And she'd always want to make me run away and cry. And I did. Whenever something got to me I always ran away and cried and hide in some corner. When people would be mean to me and shut the lights out on me or trap me in some place I would never mind because it was quiet and dark. When I was real young I used to be afraid of the dark but in middle school I pretty much embraced it.

I was so smart in elementry school. I would get great grades and everything. Middle school is what fucked up my life.

Because when I first entered middle school for the first time I was truly all alone and everyone was really against me. For no reason I was hated. And that rubbed off on me and I started to grow some hate inside of me. Eventually I learned some fake tougness and got them to leave me alone. And I had a few high school crushes. But I was too afraid and nervous to even ask someone out. And whenever someone got near me I'd run because they made me nervous.

And I was always tricked so easily and everyone always used me. I would fail on purpose so that way people would leave me alone. And I lost what confidence I had on myself and got f's all the time and got bitched at by my dad alot. Like he ever helped me though. Even in elementry school when I needed help with HW he'd just yell at me and call me stupid for not being able to do it on my own or solve it.

Fucking bastard got that mentality in me.

He is better now though.

So somehow I passed middle school. And somehow I had some okay memories.

High school was a shit load worse.

I was completely alone then and by this point everyone was considered heartless and unworthy to me. Anyone who said hi was just out to get me. Anyone who wondered if I was okay was just messing with me. Everyone was corrupted and I was the most corrupted one. I got more angry as well because I was pissed off that everyone always treated me like shit. I diddn't know how to fight but I had a certain look that I would give people that told them to stay the fuck away from me. But unfortunately any people who were nice to me recieved this look as well.

This girl I even liked i scared her off. It seemed it was pointless. Nothing I did mattered. I completly gave up. Turned in blank tests, did not even attempt homework. Just slept and put my head down and tried to block everything out. Music was the only thing that really kept me going. If it wasn't for music I probably would have gone crazy. It was obvious I wasn't going to be a senior and I could have cared less. Fuck I was planning to run away at this point. I was saving up some money to go to Peru and find my mom or some trace of family. Maybe I'd belong there.

But everything changed once I had the most horrific and disturbing nightmare of me becoming this inhuman creature that was just by murdering this criminals, but then infact became what I killed. And that somehow in the future I was accepted in my birth country but then when terrorists came or something I killed them all and killed most of the bystanders as well and couldn't live with myself and ultimately killed myself at my place of birth.

Good now it's clear that people know I'm a psychotic freak. Now we're getting somewhere.

I always feared something like that and that dream pretty much freaked me out for a good while but it also told me that I need to change so I don't be like that. Unfortunately I figured that there was no way out and that I'd rather take my life then take the lives of others. Ironic that it was on mother's day because it was that I thought of my mom so much and my real parents that triggered it. And it was the thought of them that saved me and stopped me. As well as the selfish thought of living to make everyone else's life a living hell. Completely selfish reasons..

I had some other disturbing dreams as well like drowning, falling, or not being able to speak. It came to a point where I would refuse to sleep so i wouldn't have fucked up dreams. Come to think of it I'd stay up all night when I was younger which is probably why I am fucked with insomnia now.

Damn

My life is such shit right now. I am glad that I did change a little though and became a better and nicer person and all that hate went away. But it's pretty much turned into sadness and self pity now.

Man being 18 sucks. I knew it would bring hell. But all of this is just too much.

I think I jumped into being gay a little too early. But those damned raging hormones. I don't regret having sex with the man whom I love. That opened up so many doors. I do regret whoring around and having meaningless and lustful sex with others though. And in many ways I regret in breaking up with my ex. HE IS THE ONLY FUCKING PERSON WHO CARES SO MUCH ABOUT ME.

So sad. That I can't have any friends that care about me that much. That my parents don't even care about me as much as he does. I love him so much. When I think of it he is really the only thing that gets me going. He is the reason I wake up.

In some ways. I truly want to have no one. Then I'd have nothing to lose. I would hurt alot of people right now because I do have a few friends. I don't know why the fuck people think so highly of me. They should just think of me as a fucked up kid that should be left alone.

WHAT THE FUCK DO PEOPLE SEE IN ME THAT I CAN'T SEE IN ME HUH?

WHAT THE FUCK IS SO GREAT ABOUT ME?

WHY THE FUCK DO I GET COMPLIMENTED FOR JUST SITTING AND NOT SAYING A WORD?

HOW THE HELL DOES THAT MAKE SOMEONE A GOOD PERSON?

Damn. I thought sleeping would help but it diddn't.


Damn I've wrote alot. I am thinking logically right now so I might as well wrap this up.

I have changed alot since middle school and first and middle part of high school.

But it's not enough. I am still very nervous around people. Especially people I don't like. I can say all I want on here but sometimes I won't talk for days in real life. And I don't always like talking on the phone. I hate being so quiet and scared. I wish I could just talk sometimes. But I can't.

Maybe it would have been better if I never joined this forum or some gay organizations I am in. Maybe I should have stayed closeted for a few more years like others. I am pretty young to be doing all this shit. But then again being gay diddn't change me much.

Maybe I should get tested maybe I shouldn't. I almost had that 3 months down and I don't wanna wait another 3 months.

In some ways I am worried more about my health then my status. I stay up late, I stress alot, I worry often, I overwork, I always force myself to do things, and don't break that much and sometimes am to busy to eat. And obviously not eating breakfast is a crime. I really wonder if my body is okay...

I really wonder. If I'm okay.

I don't know what I want anymore. At one point I just wanted to live alone and make no friends and be away from everyone. That way I couldn't hurt anyone and they couldn't hurt me. And then no one would care if I died. They'd just think I disappeared. And maybe i can be happy if I am truly alone. But, I think I'm pretty much going to college. At least I can put some money in my pocket afterwards and then waste it or whatever.

I think the honest truth it that I really do need people. Even if I tell myself I don't. Even if I don't talk to them. As long as they are around. And I'm tired of being alone, I'm tired of being insecure, paranoid, drowsy, and having no confidence.

I wanna have confidence, I wanna smile, I wanna have friends, I wanna be happy, and I wanna enjoy life to the fullest. But the state of mind I am in right now I can't do that. I know I am capable of it though. Drinking has brought it out in me. Even if it wasn't that often drinking showed that I could be social, I could be fun, I could keep a conversation, and that I could be happy. I hate the fact that I needed drinking to bring that out in me but that means it's there. And I've talked to some people before. Close people and they have brought it out in me. It seems that certain people can bring it out in me. But I can't bring it out in myself. But I wanna learn how to bring it out and not have others bring it out for me. Or maybe I'm just not built that way. I don't know.

But I wanna change. I don't wanna cry anymore. I don't wanna feel sad or sorry anymore. I don't want to regret things anymore or always be unsure of things. And I wanna be confident and strong.

..But how?

How do I get there. I need someone to show me the way. How many more times do I have to fall before I get there?

When will I truly realize that it's within me?

I just need some kind of guidance that isn't religious. I just can't do this on my own anymore. And I won't..

I am feeling a little better from last night though. I'm hungry.

And I see the doctor for the check up today. I can finally realize if something is wrong with me today. Or if I am okay.

 

[Jaime]

hon, have you been to a therapist? because it really sounds like you need more help than we can offer. you have a lot of shit to work through, and you'd be a lot better off working through it with a professional rather than listening to a bunch of armchair shrinks on an internet message board.

 

[gdude30]

Well no. A bit nervous of telling a therapist I'm gay.

And telling him all that I've done.

 

[Jaime]

therapists are supposed to be entirely non-judgmental. and you can even look for a gay or gay-friendly therapist. i've been to two different therapists, and they were both really supportive, and they really didn't care that i was gay.

it may be a little scary at first, but it will really help you a lot in the long run.

 

[gdude30]

I'd just have to be discreet.

How much does it cost.

 

[Jaime]

it depends on where you go and whether it's covered by insurance. you're going to college in a few months, right? your school's student health services might offer counseling services for free or cheap.

my last therapist charged $190 an hour, but my insurance covered most of it. this was at a large hospital, though. a private practice is probably cheaper.

would you be able to talk to one or both of your parents about it? i bet they'd be a lot more supportive than you think. i was afraid to tell my parents about my problems at first, but they ended up being surprisingly supportive.

 

[gdude30]

FUCK

$190.

Hell no. PER HOUR?

I'd make them fucking millionaires.

There is a gay friendly counselor at my college in fall. Or so she says.

they'd be supportive and all for it and pay for it. But I don't want them to know. They already think enough is wrong with me like me liking older guys, not wanting to with people my own age and etc.

I'd rather pay for it but not 190 and have them never knew. I won't ever tell them. I won't ever tell them many things. I can tell them some things about being gay but there are some things that they can't even understand. And for the most part I can't relate to them. So it's pointless.

Eh another month I guess. Guess I HAVE to keep pushing and struggling. Fuck.

Or maybe if I'll get lucky, I'll collapse at work and then not wake up. Would save me 190$ XD

 

[racer2438]

Talking with a doctor is the best thing to do.

Although we here at JUB are a good bunch of people and care, but we are just regular people not doctors.

Sometimes your local community health clinic will have doctors to see and charge on a sliding scale. A friend of mine went and he only paid $20.00 per hr.

Dont be so hard on your self, try to look at it this way. You know were you have been,seen,done, and you dont like it.

You are the only one that can steer the boat around. You have to want to make change to get better and change so that could can make and do something with your life. At 18 it's alot a head of you and alot of presure on you.

But dont give up, failure is not a option.

One step at a time......

But go see a doctor for a check up first you may have a problem and you dont know of it. The depression you have can grow and make you feel terrible and you may do things you might not normally do.


Wish you luck, but hang in there.......

 

[gdude30]

..Thanks Jav. That means alot to me.

I don't see how I seem pleasant and have a gentle nature though. I barely said a word. And besides you don't know what I was thinking. Not that I was thinking anything bad of any of you guys. BUT I COULD HAVE BEEN. I don't see how you can claim that a person is good and is a nice guy if they don't say much. Or how it's fun to be around someone who barely says a word. That makes no sense at all.

It is very overwhelming right now. And I don't really know how to handle it except let it all out. That helps a little. But i'd rather solve it then complain and bitch about it.

I wish I could believe that Jav. But I can't right now. But I do know of someone who visited their father after not knowing him for years and it ended up horrible and it changed the guy completly. From what I heard you need to take steps. First step is asking my parents about them. Then writing to them or something. Then after a few letters calling them. Then after talking to them on the phone, planning a visit. I don't like the sound of that process but it sounds like the best way to do it. I'd rather just barge in even though it's kind of rude I have a right to see my mom. At least I think I do.

I want to truly accept my dads I do. Just like how I want to be accepted to others. But I won't be able to until I meet or learn more about my real parents. And visit my place of birth. Then I will probably be able to accept them and thank them for all they've done.

So I guess I gotta stop falling and get rejected more and disappointed more eh?

Not sure how well I can do that. Maybe next time I work I should try talking to the customers and employees more. I am nice and everything but I just don't say much at work because I'm too damned nervous. It's a small start but a start nonetheless. I will try that.

Thanks alot Jav. I'm sure you enjoyed my company for some reason as well. I'll tell ya what. Next time I'll hire an asian mime to go with you guys. That will be more enjoyable

--------------------------------------------

I know nothing of local community health clinics but I can look into that. I also did get the gay yellow pages at pride. I was thinking of looking through that soon.

I know that only I can do it. But it's like having a boat without a paddle. With no paddle I can't go anywhere. I need to get that paddle somehow.

And I need to stop talking metaphorically.

It just helps sometimes to hear a voice that is familiar or unknown.

Well I, you know what I mean.

I don't know what the fuck is going on in my head or what I have. But all I know is that this doctor visit will tell me alot. I also need to ask some things.

Yeah. I guess I have to a little longer. Just a bit longer I hope.

--------------------

Fuck Harke, you know of teens like me.

Well hell. Give me their names and information. I would love to talk to them. Because apparently I am very different.

What am I sick of?

Oh that's easy. Myself and everything that represents.

What I want is everything I know I can be.

I just need to know how to get there..well I have somewhat of an idea now.

But I tried that at pride but I couldn't really talk to anyone because of the pointless fear or rejection and disappointment.

I try not to be too hard on myself but that can't be helped.

Oh goody. Doctor in 10 minutes.

 

[pocono]

FUCK

$190.

Hell no. PER HOUR?

I'd make them fucking millionaires.

There is a gay friendly counselor at my college in fall. Or so she says.

they'd be supportive and all for it and pay for it. But I don't want them to know. They already think enough is wrong with me like me liking older guys, not wanting to with people my own age and etc.

I'd rather pay for it but not 190 and have them never knew. I won't ever tell them. I won't ever tell them many things. I can tell them some things about being gay but there are some things that they can't even understand. And for the most part I can't relate to them. So it's pointless.

Eh another month I guess. Guess I HAVE to keep pushing and struggling. Fuck.

Or maybe if I'll get lucky, I'll collapse at work and then not wake up. Would save me 190$ XD

Hi Gdude

Here is the real good news about college. Unless you are attending a remarkably small (less than 1000 students) school they will have a counseling center. You can go there for free and they will help. Unless you are going to a VERY right wing Christian school you can be (and should be) totally honest with them.

I haven't had the pleasure of meeting you, but assume writing your thoughts on JUB gives you some relief. Imagine how talking---face to face-- with a friendly, helpful soul will feel. They don't have any pixie dust that will solve all your problems, but will listen and provide feedback. It simply couldn't be any better!

Take care,

 

[gmoney]

I don't have much to add to what Jav said, except that I enjoyed meeting you too. You're not the only one who expresses themselves more freely here and becomes very shy when meeting in person. There was a missing Jubber from the cookout for pretty much the same reason.

I could tell from your facial expressions that you were 'very involved' in the conversations taking place that day. You didn't just sit there and hide from us!

If we didn't care how you felt, we might have left for Burkhart's much sooner than we did, but all of us felt bad for having to leave you behind.

If you want to hang out sometime like Jav suggested, just let us know. I'd be happy to join you both.

 

[Telstra]

i like your writing skills gdude30.

 

[gdude30]

Well, first we all know you from here. We see your posts and then we met you and simply took you as a shy person. You were pleasant in that you didn't try to overcompensate for anything or do anything forward. So true, we didn't get to see you come out of your shell so to speak but simply being there was a step. You met people you never met before and you hung out with us all day. Many of us were painfully shy and nervous as teens so we understand.

As for failing and being rejected more, that wasn't my point. Rather, its the taking of the risk that brings the reward. Everything is a risk and only by taking the risk of rejection will you gain acceptance.

If you want to hang out sometime I'll be glad to. I have some ideas that might help if you would like to hear them.

I never knew that people really read my posts. I guess that explains it. But I usually just rant or write about pointless shit >_>. But I guess if I am pleasant in person and just kinda shy then that wouldn't make me look bad. I guess you are right. But I did not used to be like this. I used to be able to be able to make friends with strangers right off the bat and would love meeting new people. But now I just can't and I have no idea why. But that was when I was younger. You were shy as a teen? Really? You seemed so social at the meet. I would have never of guessed that...

Oh. So that. The thing that I'm not good at. Well I guess I have to work on that. Today at work I tried to say hi to customers but I could not as well. But I did ask a few customers if I could take their trays. I did that when I first started out but stopped after a while because I took someone's tray once or twice and there was pretty much crumbs left and they got angry at me for taking it when I thought they were done so yeah >_>". It sounds like a little thing but for me it's a step.

Sure I'd love to hang out with you Jav. But I am not sure if you would really enjoy the company of someone who doesn't talk much. I don't want to bore you. Ideas? I'd like to hear those as well.



Mr Richard Smoker:

Even though they might be typical problems it doesn't hurt to ask. And I know that no one owes me anything. But I wasn't going to deny myself the help that I need just because no one owes me anything. I asked for helped and hoped someone would listen and they did. If they diddn't then i'd just have to find another way.

Well that's what I used to think. But even though some therapists could have scammed their way into the business and not give a damn about people I'm sure some people really want to help and if I'm lucky maybe I'll get that kinda therapist. If not I guess I'm fucked. Exactly. I know it will get worse over the years. And I wanna be strong in body, mind, and spirit before I go off to college.

Haha. I learned that in middle school. But I never really said anything bad. Would just say something about this girl I liked how i was nervous talking to her and how she probably thinks I'm that and she'd be right behind me and I'd be like "Oh shit."

Damn. I do kinda do that sometimes. I try not to but I am just nervous about eye contact. That's a way for someone to read you. Not that I have anything to hide. Just makes me nervous. The idea of someone reading me. I do mumble often too sometimes. Yeah I need to stretch more, excercise and be less lazy. Work kinda keeps me on my feet but it tires me out and I sleep and be lazy. But I often take long walks and bus rides to places and lots of walking is involved. I would join a gym if I had more money but I need to save that. If I joined a gym I'd go everyday.

Thanks.

----------

Really? Well thanks. Who would that be? Was that Kenny? Or someone else. Someone did not come because they were shy?

Well I did listen onto the conversations and wanted to add some things or say something. But just too damned nervous. But that's a nice way to put it. I knew you did but it's not your fault. And I had alot of fun at pride.

Well that sounds like fun. It would be fun for all of us to hang out. And get to know each other better.

THANK YOU TELTSRA

ALOT OF PEOPLE DON'T APPRECIATE IT

You get one Gdude dollar.

Oh and the doctor went great. Nothing wrong with me. Well she did ask me some questions that I lied about because my dad was in the room. Like how I don't get enough sleep, how I haven't been feeling well lately, and etc. I wish I diddn't lie about those but I had to because the doctor was in the room. And I did ask about this mark I had on my arm and stomache and it turned out to just be a little allergic reaction and cream will make it go away. So I guess I am physically healthy. No high blood pressure, cholesterol, not overweight, not underweight, and once I go back tommorow for them to read the TB test I'll be done

I do feel alot better today too. Well yesterday after the doctor me and my sister kinda hung out and went out driving and it was alot of fun. She is maturing so much. I actually respect her now. But anyways yeah. I'll shut up.

I'M OKAY!

But I still am gonna check out a therapist and see if that can help in any way.

 

[colemanshs]

Therapists on campus are usually free. It's built into your health fees and tuition. My university offered 10 free visits per semester. Going to therapy was one of the best things I've ever done. Taking anti-depressants also help greatly. I'm now out of therapy and off the meds (for almost a year now).

Give it a try. You won't regret it.