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I can't get him out of my head.

B

belgarion63

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Okay, so to make a very long story as short as possible.

I have a friend. He's dating a guy who's 14 years older than him (my friend just recently turned 21) His boyfriend has been consistently cheating on him since the start of the relationship. I found out about it and told him (because he deserved to know) and I drove 2 hours to be with him and talk things through. After I had been there a couple of hours he finally started calming down a bit more, and at that point he was laying on my chest and I was holding him, rubbing his arms and playing with his hair. Fast-forward to now, he's still with the cheating a-hole, and refuses to talk to me about whatever it is that exists between the two of us. It's just a really frustrating situation because I know some of what I'm missing out on, having experienced it before, and it's all I want right now. I know it might sound crazy, but holding him was the nicest I've felt in a very long time.

Anyway, I have no idea what to do (not sure there's much I can do since every time I give him proof of his boyfriends infidelity (going on the 5th time now) he doesn't do anything about it) I guess I just wanted to throw this out there and see what you guys thought...
 
Stop. If it's the fifth time, it's obviously not working. He already has shown that he doesn't want to talk about what there is between the two of you. If he is intent to be with this man, even if it's not good for him, he will resent it and you will end up pushing him away if you keep telling him. He will have to come to his senses on his own, and then if you are lucky and continue to be a supportive friend, then he may come to you for comfort and you get to hold him again. Then, maybe there's a chance there can be something between you. Don't push it, though, is the point.
 
Unfortunately, you have to let it go, cuz people are gonna do what they're gonna do, even after you've done everything you could. They have to learn it for themselves and make their own choices when they are ready to.

The more you push the issue, the further away they become. At this point, you just have to be there as a friend, not criticize, listen, and be there when need be. As a friend, even though you did the right thing, from their perspective, you were also e also the bearer of 'bad' news.

Most people don't want change, or turmoil in their lives, so they will stick with what is most comfortable. Most people are frightened of being single. Your friend might still be in love with this guy. He might have all kinds of emotions and/or confusion running through his head, and needs time to sort them out - esp if you think that there is a connection between the both of you.
 
Well, he made his bed. He'll have to lie in it.

You didn't have to tell him. Or drive 2 hours to comfort him.

He obviously still is committed to the other guy, not you.

So if you thought this was the way you were finally going to have this guy for yourself, it didn't work.

Back away. Because if you don't, you won't have him as a friend.
 
To him your only the jealouse friend. He may know whats going on but you always pointing it out makes you look like you want him to be unhappy and go through the break up. Give him time he will wise up to the bull and toss him aside.
 
In this case I'm going to have to disagree with some of your points (all of you). My main motive behind trying to get them to break up is to get my friend out of a very emotionally abusive relationship (his boyfriend has him convinced that he isn't allowed to have his own life. He won't do certain things unless his boyfriend can come too, and if it's a "just friends" thing, he says that it's inappropriate and unfair to his boyfriend.) He knows that. He's also admitted that he needs to break up with him (the boyfriend).

I did have to tell him: 1) because it was the right thing to do, 2) because he deserves to know what kind of guy he's with, and 3) my conscience wouldn't let me stay silent. I did have to drive two hours to help him through it because there was no one else who would. Most of his friends are originally his boyfriend's friends (i.e. fellow faculty members from the school his boyfriend works at), and it was two days before Christmas. You can't expect your friend to deal with something like this by themselves, and I would and have done the same thing for any of my other friends.
 
^ Well it is his loss then isn't it?

I wouldn't waste anymore time on him if he didn't do exactly what I wanted him to do and immediately break up with his abusive, cheating boyfriend.

Nice Christmas present by the way. God knows you couldn't have waited until January.
 
How is it that you live two hours away from your friend's boyfriend - who isn't your friend, and is presumably a lot older than you as well, yet you have specific proof that he cheated no less than five times?

Are you stalking the boyfriend? I ask because you have an ulterior motive, whether you want to acknowledge it or not. How much of this story is being colored by your desire to have the friend?

I find it odd that you'd go so far above and beyond, when the friend has pretty much demonstrated he doesn't want your help, to drive a wedge between him and his boyfriend.

So you told the friend his boyfriend was cheating - five times - and the friend did nothing. What more do you hope to accomplish. Obviously the friend has personal issues, that have nothing to do with the cheating boyfriend.

If he won't leave he won't, and frankly it's not your relationship to end. It's his, and he either will or he won't. Certainly listen to him if he wants to talk, but you aren't a part of their relationship, you don't have any control over it.

You agree right, that a guy who wants you but won't acknowledge it, stays with a controlling, cheating guy who won't let him have any friends (how did you escape that?,) needs some counseling. Because there's something else going on here.

Like the other side of this story. I wonder what your friend would say about this situation himself?
 
I was home for christmas break. He's a friend from college. And I wasn't the one who gathered the proof. A mutual friend of ours has a bit of a problem trolling dating sites. He found my friends boyfriend and then set up a fake profile to talk to him. We alerted my friend to the existence of multiple profiles, each with evidence that he had met up with and hooked up with multiple guys in the past. I have no ulterior motive. I honestly don't care if he and I get together or not. I'm more concerned about getting him out of an (obviously) bad situation.
 
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