I deleted my Grindr 5 months ago - he hasn't!

[icopy123]

Hi everyone. First of all, sorry for my english, this is not my mother tounge.

After endless chats on Grindr, most of them just based on dickpic's and hookups, i finally found this sexy, intelligent guy that i really can get a conversation going on with. We met once, and then we have started to see each other 3-4 time a week. Yeah, Im very facinated about him.

About two months after, i felt like deleting my Grindr - mostly to show him and myself that I really wanted to focus on us, more than focus on all the endless chats on Grindr. We decided to make our relation monogamous and started to do it without condom. It felt nice, good - and our sex just got better and better -> and its still does.

But now 6 months after my roommate asked me why the guy im seeing still uses his Grindr. First i was very disappointed, so i decided to download the app, create a blank profile, find him - and then mark him as favorite so i could observe his activity. At that moment I felt like a total stalker - but I wanted to know how much he used the Grindr.

We talked about it 3-4 month ago, because he said that he still was on Grindr - not to hook up with anyone - but it was just a symbol for himself that he could be at that app, because we were not boyfriends. I said that was fair enough, but I really didn't like the fact that he was on that app, because we're in a dating fase, and Grindr is made for hookups and dates, but again, i told him that it was fair enough, but that I didn't like it.

Now after 6 months he still visiting his Grindr 5-6 times a day, last week I lost my shit. One morning i woke at his place, he was preparing himself for work, and I had to go to two hours later, so i slept for one hour. We talked together - and he took off.
I was just curious, so I signed in to my annonymous Grindr profile (and I have to make clear that i havn't used it for anything but seeing his activity!) and i found out that he has checked out his Grindr while I was sleeping in the bedroom 5 meters from him.
I got really mad, but didn't react that day.

The day after I was sleeping at my own place, and then I woke up really upset about the fact that the guy IM dating, at the 6th month still are online on that app - so i texted him, asked him about "Are you still using Grindr actually" - he replied "yes" - and i answered him with "I think thats rude - and i feel like you're playing with my feelings'.
He got totally shocked about my reaction, and then the same evening we talked together on the phone for 3 hours. He said that he knows that it may seem wierd, but he using it as a symbol of that he's not ready to get in a relationship with me.
He also told me that he hasn't talked with anyone dirty at all, and he was only chatting with some old friends on there. For me it seems hard to believe, but he's a very mature and honest person - so I trust him.

He also said that he would prefer next time to take the talk face to face, so we met the day after, and he said the same things. But he also said that he didn't know that I was so frustrated about it, and next time there is something I don't like, then i can just sit down and tell him. We kissed - and then everything was good.

I waited one week, and I was just so curious if he has deleted his Grindr, but nope - still online... Just for two weeks ago, his Grindr said that "Not into hooksups" one week after our conversation he has deleted that part of his Grindr and I feel like he havn't listened at all.

I am very sorry about it, and do not feel particularly appreciated. I want to give him an ultimatum - but what I really want is to make him delete that app by himself, without me complaining about it.

What should I do?

 

[pankola6]

When you say he uses it as a symbol, what do you mean?

 

[eastofeden]

I have never been to grinder but I suspect there might be an addictive or a compulsive aspect for the user...and it actually could be a way to connect to other people...friends or more...

...and the truth is..even with no grinder or internet.,...a lot of people who have mates or are married or dating....they are always looking for someone or something else..in fantasy or reality..and this is one of the things in life that you can count on. The thing you need to figure out is how to handle it.

The route I chose long ago, treat them like a bird...let them fly...if they want to be with you they will return...and if they don't...would you really want someone to stay with you who doesn't really want to be there?

Oh yeah..most men..they WILL fantasize about and lust after other men if they are gay. Find a way not to be threatened or insulted by it..because it truly has nothing to do with you. If you can get past that..you have it made baby!

The only thing that I think you should focus on..your decision to not use condoms. I think you should rethink that.....

 

[KaraBulut]

...After endless chats on Grindr, most of them just based on dickpic's and hookups, i finally found this sexy, intelligent guy that i really can get a conversation going on with. We met once, and then we have started to see each other 3-4 time a week. Yeah, Im very facinated about him.

About two months after, i felt like deleting my Grindr - mostly to show him and myself that I really wanted to focus on us, more than focus on all the endless chats on Grindr. We decided to make our relation monogamous and started to do it without condom. It felt nice, good - and our sex just got better and better -> and its still does.

That was your choice- to delete your Grindr account. It's something that you did to demonstrate a commitment to the relationship. Don't confuse commitment to the relationship and commitment to your boyfriend- they are separate things.

But now 6 months after my roommate asked me why the guy im seeing still uses his Grindr....We talked about it 3-4 month ago, because he said that he still was on Grindr - not to hook up with anyone - but it was just a symbol for himself that he could be at that app, because we were not boyfriends...Now after 6 months he still visiting his Grindr 5-6 times a day, last week I lost my shit. ...

What should I do?

The problem is that the two of you met on Grindr. So, in your mind that is what he's going to use the app for- meeting guys. Since you're in a committed relationship, Grindr equates to cheating- whether he's talking to guys, meeting guys or fucking around with guys outside your relationship. That's not necessarily the reality- there are guys who use Grindr like Facebook or Snapchat- a place to talk to friends or keep in touch with people or just to look at hot guys (and know that they're looking at you).

But that's not really the issue- it doesn't matter whether it's a phone app, a webcam, a gay bar, a public restroom or any of the hundreds of places that guys can meet and hookup. If he's going to cheat, he's going to cheat. He could delete Grindr today but if he's wanting to hookup with guys, he'll just move on to another means to meet them.

Jealousy and insecurity will kill a relationship just as quickly as cheating will.

You're making Grindr the issue. It's not. The issue is that your boyfriend wants to keep in contact with other gay guys- for reasons that are his own. THe issue is that no matter what he tells you, you are aren't sure he's being honest.

Either you trust him or you don't.

One thing though- if you have any suspicion that he's not being monogamous, then it's time to return to using condoms.

 

[tarallucci]

"He said that he knows that it may seem wierd, but he using it as a symbol of that he's not ready to get in a relationship with me"

This is weird and at the same time self-explanatory.

 

[Seasoned]

Don't spy on him. That will make you crazy. You'll never be able to control anyone other than yourself. When you speak to him about issues that concern you, speak about yourself and your thoughts and feelings. If you don't trust that he's being monogamous, whether or not he says he's your boyfriend, keep using condoms

 

[mcbrion]

If he told you that he's not ready to "be in a relationship with you," it sounds pretty honest. He's not sure that you're "The One" for him yet.
The fact that he said he preferred talking to you face to face sounds like someone who is clear about how he likes to communicate. I'd have more trouble with someone who just wanted to text their "feelings" rather than discuss them face to face. That would seem to be a sign of not being afraid of seeing and expressing emotions. You, on the other hand, have kept your thoughts and feeling to yourself, as evidenced by his saying he was shocked to know you were feeling these things. You haven't shared your thoughts with him, and yet you're concerned about him. I'd be concerned about someone who called himself my boyfriend and was not being open about what was actually happening inside him. You need to look at yourself: you're not being honest with him until you get upset. That's not a path that pulls two people together and might be the reason he's not feeling like you're truly connecting to each other.

 

[mbamike]

He has given you his answer at least twice.

"We were not boyfriends."

"He's not ready to get in a relationship with me."

So, you are either his friend with benefits or just the guy he is fucking right now. Either way, he has been very opened about his use of Grindr. So, you should stop spying on him and accept your role in his life before you make yourself crazy over it.

 

[fallinlove]

If you're in a relationship, he should absolutely not be using Grindr. It's not a place to "talk to friends" as he says. It's also not a porn site. It's an app used to find dates and sex dates.

 

[mcbrion]

If you're in a relationship, he should absolutely not be using Grindr. It's not a place to "talk to friends" as he says. It's also not a porn site. It's an app used to find dates and sex dates.

Read the post carefully: the other party is not seeing himself in a relationship with the original poster in an exclusive, you-for-me-and-me-for-you way. He has said this. "Dating" does not constitute "commitment" until BOTH parties want to be with each other exclusively.

 

[fallinlove]

Read the post carefully: the other party is not seeing himself in a relationship with the original poster in an exclusive, you-for-me-and-me-for-you way. He has said this. "Dating" does not constitute "commitment" until BOTH parties want to be with each other exclusively.

He wrote they're in a monogamous relationship and don't use condoms.

 

[mcbrion]

He wrote they're in a monogamous relationship and don't use condoms.

"...He using it as a symbol of that he's not ready to get in a relationship with me."

" We talked about it 3-4 month ago, because he said that he still was on Grindr - not to hook up with anyone - but it was just a symbol for himself that he could be at that app, because we were not boyfriends."

So, they're not having sex with others, but one person still does not consider himself (emotionally) a "boyfriend." Confusing, yes?