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I destroyed my relationship

BFF-Dildo

BFF-Dildo

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Joined
Nov 12, 2010
Posts
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Location
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This is an admission of guilt. I’ve been with, until today, a wonderful guy since December 2020. We met on tinder and quickly hit it off once we finally met in person. He’s a gamer, funny, has a wonderful laugh, steady job, an adorable dog, and a welcoming family. My family would never have accepted our relationship (quite the homophobic type) so it was nice to have his parents embrace me so warmly.

The last 6 months or so I started to lose sexual interest with him. I don’t know why it happened. Before we met I was pretty active sexually and had a wide variety of interests and kinks. We had good sex, pretty vanilla. But that temptation for more wouldn’t go away. I started to go on hookup apps, thinking just looking would satiate my appetite. As time went on, the further I strayed, until finally meeting up with an old fling. He’s an older gentlemen, which helped fulfill one of those kinks. Today my lies and deceit got the best of me. He suspected I was out, and came home early to find me gone. When he called and began inquiring what I was actually doing, I came clean. I tried my best to lie and make up that I was at the gym, but he’s not an idiot, and I’m not a good liar. It ended with him leaving saying he will move out this weekend. I called my parents and unloaded all the lies to them, my fear of their rejection ignored due to my heartbreak and guilt. They didn’t cut ties with me like I fears, instead saying they love me and had suspected I was in a relationship with this guy. They still do not accept the lifestyle, but they still accept me as a person.

With that weight gone, I still have the guilt that I broke the heart of the man I love, and who loved me back. I’m not a good person at heart, I know. I let my sexual urges ruin the best thing to have happened to me. And I broke his heart forever. This is only 7 hours after the fact, and I don’t know what will happen. He loved me fully and unconditionally, and I trampled on that love and trust. I hate that I have these strong sexual urges, and I hate that I didn’t communicate with him. I am so sorry babe.
 
BFF-Dildo said:
’m not a good person at heart, I know.
Click to expand...


That's the one thing you said in your post that I can tell is not true.

If you were not a good person at heart, you wouldn't feel any guilt or remorse about this. You'd only feel angry and upset that you got caught and lost access to whatever your partner had to offer you.

You made some huge errors in judgment and did a bad thing, hurting someone you care about and upending your home life, but that doesn't make you a bad person. It makes you a person -- one who makes mistakes, sometimes big ones, just like the rest of us.


What you also did, subconsciously, was get yourself out of a romantic/sexual relationship that was never going to satisfy you.

You've learned that, for a serious relationship to work, you need to have a partner who shares your kink, or at least will indulge it.

And, with the pain you've caused and the guilt and remorse you feel over it, you've learned how very important it is that you not get into a serious relationship with someone who can't share your kink.
 
Do you have an insight or understanding in regard to your compulsive sexual appetite?

Sometimes understanding what drives this and why can make it a thing of the past and allow you to process it.

If you do this maybe you can talk to him about it with no expectations.

You were honest with him and that is a good sign. Now be honest with yourself. I don't think you are a bad person at all - I hope you see that as well.
 
BFF-Dildo said:
... I still have the guilt that I broke the heart of the man I love, and who loved me back. I’m not a good person at heart, I know. I let my sexual urges ruin the best thing to have happened to me. And I broke his heart forever. This is only 7 hours after the fact, and I don’t know what will happen. He loved me fully and unconditionally, and I trampled on that love and trust. I hate that I have these strong sexual urges, and I hate that I didn’t communicate with him. I am so sorry babe.
Click to expand...
The question underlying all of this is "Is this about sexual compulsion or was this a case of you subconsciously destroying a relationship?".

You didn't mention your age or your boyfriend's age, but going by your join date, you aren't a twenty-something who is still trying to figure this all out. You're at an age where you should be mature enough to accept love and be willing to work on issues in your relationship without taking a wrecking ball to it.

If this can be fixed, it's going to be because you take this as a sign that you have some work to do on yourself. You need to figure out why you found yourself looking outside your relationship (which sounds like it was an agreed-upon monogamous relationship) and why you found yourself in a situation where you hurt someone who cared about you. Finding those answers may require talking with a therapist to help you sort all of this out. This pattern is not one that you want to repeat again- either with your current boyfriend or with future boyfriends.
 
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