I don't know how to approach a friend of mine

[cafa196]

Hello everyone! I think I have a problem. I am going to explain a little bit of a backstory.
I am 18 years old, and I'm at school. There is this boy who is part of my class but he comes to Math classes, because that is the only subject that he is finishing. So I only see him and talk to him 3 times a week,
Anyway, I have always had a crush on him, but I am really shy and I feel embarrased to talk to him.
This was in September of last year, when this school year started and I saw him for the first time.
8 months went by and we did not talk to each other, just because we are both really shy, he used to only talk to 2 or 3 people in my class.

2 weeks ago, our Math teacher missed school, so I went with my friends and my crush to a park that is near our school. I finally had the guts to talk to him. He is really nice and I realized that he share some interests like movies, music and stuff like that. But there were some things that I thought were weird, or maybe it is just me being an asshole for thinking like that and making stupid generalizations:

-He invited us to go to a bar thst I knew it was a gay bar, with drag queens, and he even said that he goes there quite often. So, I started thinking that he colud be gay, or bi.

- He asked me about my sexual orientation and I said I was gay. He was really happy to know that.

- He is really supportive of LGBT rights, but I believe he is straight.

Since then, everytime thst we hsve classes nowadays, we end up talking to each other a little. I even offered him help in Math, beacause I have good grades, and he doesn't, and he is at risk of flunking. He accepted the offer.

There is a part of me that truly wants to help him, and get closer to him. But I feel bad because it sounds that I am having second intentions.

I don't know what to do. Can someone help me?

 

[KaraBulut]

...I don't know what to do. Can someone help me?

The most natural way to ask someone whether they are gay/straight/bi is after they ask you. Since he has invited you to a gay bar, you at least know that he's open-minded and not uncomfortable with gay people.

When the two of you are chatting the next time (assuming that no one else is listening to the conversation), bring up the gay bar again and talk about maybe going there sometime to see a drag show. That's a natural segue to ask, "I didn't ask- are you straight?".

If he is straight, then you have a friend.

If he's gay or bi, you can ask, "Do you have a boyfriend/girlfriend?".

Beyond that, what will be, will be. Just don't confuse being a friend with having a crush. It's not fair either to you or to him.

 

[Thomas80]

Hi Cafa196, if you're shy maybe it could be easier to ask him by messaging/texting. Good luck.

 

[mcbrion]

Hi Cafa196, if you're shy maybe it could be easier to ask him by messaging/texting. Good luck.

I think Kara's idea is the way to go. You don't develop real intimacy in a text message: it happens face to face if it's going to happen at all, although texting is nice as a warm up.
On the other hand, you can't read body language in a text. And people are constantly projecting their stuff onto the other person because of their own desires. And getting it wrong all too frequently, in my opinion.

So, Kara's suggestion is perfect: "I didn't ask - are you straight?" It's unlikely he'd be offended, especially if you did it during a break in studying and you were talking about the gay bar he had brought up. I'm thinking he brought it up because he suspects you might like him. But then, maybe not.
In any case, don't feel bad about your attraction. Being ashamed of liking someone simply because he's straight just makes you feel dirty. And there's no reason for that here. You sound like a nice guy, doing something nice for a classmate, and not being forward about liking him. (But I still think he suspects. And he isn't running the other way.)
So, go easy on yourself. Enjoy his company. Helping someone with a project (schoolwork) is a great way to grow closer to them. And it's a nice thing to do. Friendships and other relationships have often grown out of helping someone out.

 

[mcbrion]

And stop referring to yourself as an asshole! You sound anything but that.

 

[seven2go]

I don't know where you got the idea truly straight guys get their jollies at gay bars........
That he asked about your orientation is telling on its face.
No straight guy I know would go around asking about another's sexual orientation.
To me it seems he's already opened enough doors for you........all you need do is answer.......

As for you thinking you might come across as an asshole.........not a chance.
You sound like a really sweet, caring doood........

 

[fredward]

Sometimes, "str8" guys spend years kicking the tires of a same-sex experience, e.g., going to gay bars. Some get up the nerve to try more and dive in, while others remain on the threshold with "plausible deniability" in their pocket ("I just happen to like that bar that happens to be a gay bar").

Be sensitive that if your friend is like that -- hovering on the fringes -- they may not be ready to jump in yet. Be their friend, make them feel comfortable, let them know you are receptive to whatever they decide.