I don't know if I'm gay

[itsme1]

Just a little background that might be irrelevant - I remember as a very young kid just pictures of naked women would turn me on. After being called gay at school I decided to see what "gay" was and then found myself turned on by gay porn and how guys would just give up control for other guys. I was and still am attracted to that, I even prefer men that are a little older. As a kid I started to feel attracted to those who called me names later which makes me wonder if I just lost my confidence as a guy... Am I just looking for the missing piece in porn and stronger men?

I'm also very, very close minded about things I'm unfamiliar with, even when it comes to certain food and drinks. So the fact vagina is unfamiliar to me makes me feel turned off by it, or maybe I'm just gay. Generally speaking girls in porn CAN still make me hard. It's just more likely I'll look up gay porn instead, it's what I'm used to.

I have had no real experience with women. This my experience with men:
First time with a stranger I met online - I did not find him very attractive, I didn't feel anything when I kissed him, he tried really hard to get me in the mood but I couldn't get it up, not even with oral stimulation. I wasn't hard, the end.

Second time with a guy I met at a club. He's not hot but I could feel some sort of attraction. He gave me a handjob which I liked. I still didn't have a real need to kiss him or pull down HIS pants. Selfish I know. Yet again, I couldn't finish.

Third time with a guy I kind of liked. I was not really attracted to him though he was cute looking. Felt nothing when I kissed him and I wasn't hard when he started giving me a blowjob. I did get hard when he started sucking but again I couldn't finish. I got soft again. I tried to blow him, it didn't feel right...but maybe I was just anxious about being good. Still, no major attraction and I couldn't finish.

Fourth time with a drunk friend. I got a blowjob and it was terrible, he had a girlfriend at the time so I couldn't go through with it. I'm also not very attracted to him.

I'm really confused. I can have feelings for guys but kissing someone just doesn't feel right. I get no pleasure from it. Even though I was slightly attracted to guy number 2, I still didn't feel like kissing or blowing him. I almost feel like a straight guy forcing him to like guys, but then again I haven't been with girls.

Could it be that I've just gotten used to gay porn and that I am actually bisexual/straight after all? I can find myself attracted to girls sometimes, only porn though. I'm not used to thinking of girls this way in real life, I don't ever feel attraction to women in real life. It's like seeing good looking people in the family - you simply don't think of them that way.

How can I finally find out who I am? Since I'm not a teenager anymore I don't find it easy to just "experiment" with girls. I don't feel like embarassing myself when I don't get hard. I have no confidence at all when it comes to girls, I haven't been with one and I don't know anything aout pleasing them. I wouldn't have the confidence to start a relationship with a girl. I would need some sort of connection first but I can't start dating a girl when I lean towards being gay, plus I also don't think a cheap hookup would work here because then I would be even more stressed.

Can anyone here relate to this?

 

[Rolyo85]

I can't relate, but I'd like to help if I can. You need to tell us a little bit more though, and it might help if you answer those questions:

1. How old are you?
2. Have you ever had any sexual experience with a girl?
3. Have you ever actively wanted to?
4. Has there ever been a guy you've had strong feelings for? What about a girl?
5. How do you feel about being potentially gay?
6. What is your general view of homosexuality?

One thing I can tell you now is that habit has no part in it. You are attracted to what you're attracted, and you can't make yourself be something else, consciously or by accident. You just have to figure out what you are attracted to, and I'm sure people here can help

 

[HunterM]

Try dating women. Make out and have sex with them. See how you would feel.

 

[rareboy]

There is way more to the backstory than you've shared here.

If you are attracted to men, then yes, you have homosexual tendencies. You may be exclusively homosexual or you may be bisexual.

But at the moment, you are carrying around a heavy load of other issues with physical and emotional intimacy that may be connected to other mental health issues.

To the list of questions above, I would add

- Have you ever been counselled for depression?
- Are you on, or have you been on any medications for anxiety or depression?
- Did you grow up in a gay positive household?
- Did you identify gay with guilt or shame when you were called names in school?

 

[Rand]

Welcome to the JUB -

That is an unconditional welcome, whether your are gay or not - as long as you are human.

In addition to Rareboy's questions, I would ask the following:

When you masterbate, what do you think about?
Being submissive turns you on - I think you admitted that - which would you find more interesting - being submissive to a man or to a woman?
Why do you think being abused turns you on?
How affectionate were your parents to each other - to you kids?

Every one of us is complex. I doubt that many of us really know why we have certain likes or dislikes. Be assurd, that while we might be human, we are not rational. We are the product of our genes and our environment and who knows what else.

Please take care, please find a way to celebrate your life and all life.

Rand

 

[itsme1]

I can't relate, but I'd like to help if I can. You need to tell us a little bit more though, and it might help if you answer those questions:

1. How old are you?
2. Have you ever had any sexual experience with a girl?
3. Have you ever actively wanted to?
4. Has there ever been a guy you've had strong feelings for? What about a girl?
5. How do you feel about being potentially gay?
6. What is your general view of homosexuality?

One thing I can tell you now is that habit has no part in it. You are attracted to what you're attracted, and you can't make yourself be something else, consciously or by accident. You just have to figure out what you are attracted to, and I'm sure people here can help

1. 22
2. No
3. Real life? Maybe when I was about 10. Now, no. Porn - sometimes.
4. Emotionally - one girl, one guy. Long time ago. I haven't been "human" in a long time.

5. Not great. At this point I just want closure though, want to know for sure if there's no way at all I can be with a girl.

6. I can't say I'm very comfortable with it. I'm not a homophobe but sometimes I find it depressing, for me personally.

I know I can't choose who I'm attracted to but I believe sexuality has a lot to do with the mind also, personality can make someone attractive to me. And boobs were enough to turn me on as a kid. Maybe girls are less appealing to me because they're not "strong"? Maybe I'm looking for a male figure because my dad left when I was a kid? Maybe because I was close to a pedo when I was really young? (nothing happened) I don't enjoy guys much so I don't get it.

There is way more to the backstory than you've shared here.

If you are attracted to men, then yes, you have homosexual tendencies. You may be exclusively homosexual or you may be bisexual.

But at the moment, you are carrying around a heavy load of other issues with physical and emotional intimacy that may be connected to other mental health issues.

To the list of questions above, I would add

- Have you ever been counselled for depression?
- Are you on, or have you been on any medications for anxiety or depression?
- Did you grow up in a gay positive household?
- Did you identify gay with guilt or shame when you were called names in school?

- No diagnosis but I'm pretty sure I'm depressed and have been for a long time.
- No medication.
- No. Not extreme homophobes but they sure as hell never made me feel comfortable with idea of being gay.
- Yes. I was a really outgoing and confident person and I changed. People who know about me are always shocked at how "masculine" I am but it's really more because I'm like a shell of my former self. I'm shut down.

It just sounds like I'm in denial now but I still feel like there's a missing piece because I CAN still be attracted to girls in porn but not in real life. It also doesn't feel natural when I'm with guys so I don't get it.

 

[itsme1]

Welcome to the JUB -

That is an unconditional welcome, whether your are gay or not - as long as you are human.

In addition to Rareboy's questions, I would ask the following:

When you masterbate, what do you think about?
Being submissive turns you on - I think you admitted that - which would you find more interesting - being submissive to a man or to a woman?
Why do you think being abused turns you on?
How affectionate were your parents to each other - to you kids?

Every one of us is complex. I doubt that many of us really know why we have certain likes or dislikes. Be assurd, that while we might be human, we are not rational. We are the product of our genes and our environment and who knows what else.

Please take care, please find a way to celebrate your life and all life.

Rand

Thanks for the welcome. I missed this post when I was busy answering the other guys' questions.

When you masterbate, what do you think about?
Being submissive turns you on - I think you admitted that - which would you find more interesting - being submissive to a man or to a woman?
Why do you think being abused turns you on?
How affectionate were your parents to each other - to you kids?

- When I masturbate it's almost always to gay porn. It's what I almost always go for, but when I look at straight/lesbian porn it can be a turn on too. I remember taking a break from porn for 2 weeks and then actually getting hard from watching girls.

- Submissive to a woman? Doesn't turn me on at all. I don't know if saying I'm submissive was my intention. I just tend to like guys that are mentally strong. Anal sex is something I find hot in porn but can't see myself doing in real life anytime soon.

- Abuse doesn't turn me on, I think I was misunderstood... As a kid I did find the bad kids attractive but not now. Like I said, I just want a guy to be strong/mature mentally. Personality is just as important as looks when it comes to attraction.

- My house has always been full of drama. I don't think I grew up like I should have.

 

[KaraBulut]

A lot of the time, we see guys who self-sabotage and then come back with the question, "Maybe I'm not gay".

Gay is something that happens between your ears, not between your legs. Straight guys can get off to blowjobs from guys, yet if you ask them if they are attracted to guys, they would say, "No, I'm straight".

So, let's review your experience with some selective highlighting:

First time with a stranger I met online - I did not find him very attractive, I didn't feel anything when I kissed him, he tried really hard to get me in the mood but I couldn't get it up, not even with oral stimulation. I wasn't hard, the end.

Second time with a guy I met at a club. He's not hot but I could feel some sort of attraction. He gave me a handjob which I liked. I still didn't have a real need to kiss him or pull down HIS pants. Selfish I know. Yet again, I couldn't finish.

Third time with a guy I kind of liked. I was not really attracted to him though he was cute looking. Felt nothing when I kissed him and I wasn't hard when he started giving me a blowjob. I did get hard when he started sucking but again I couldn't finish. I got soft again. I tried to blow him, it didn't feel right...but maybe I was just anxious about being good. Still, no major attraction and I couldn't finish.

Fourth time with a drunk friend. I got a blowjob and it was terrible, he had a girlfriend at the time so I couldn't go through with it. I'm also not very attracted to him.

So, instead of meeting someone that you're attracted to, going out a few times, making out and experimenting once you are comfortable with them, you're in a pattern of picking strangers that you're not attracted to or friends who are straight.

And you're left with that escape hatch of "I couldn't get it up, so maybe I'm not gay".

Based upon your description, you are gay. And gay people, like straight people, can make bad choices.

 

[Telstra]

Lots of good advice above.
If you are attracted to men more than women, then you are more on a gay side of the scale.

 

[itsme1]

A lot of the time, we see guys who self-sabotage and then come back with the question, "Maybe I'm not gay".

Gay is something that happens between your ears, not between your legs. Straight guys can get off to blowjobs from guys, yet if you ask them if they are attracted to guys, they would say, "No, I'm straight".

So, let's review your experience with some selective highlighting:

So, instead of meeting someone that you're attracted to, going out a few times, making out and experimenting once you are comfortable with them, you're in a pattern of picking strangers that you're not attracted to or friends who are straight.

And you're left with that escape hatch of "I couldn't get it up, so maybe I'm not gay".

Based upon your description, you are gay. And gay people, like straight people, can make bad choices.

LOL you're right, it does sound ridiculous. You actually opened my eyes to that fact. It's a simple observation but so true.

Still though, does every person have to be a supermodel to be worthy of a one night stand? I was somewhat attracted to guy #2 (personality wise) and most people would say guy #3 is hot, but I just wasn't feeling it... it's one thing not to go crazy over them but not enjoying the kissing, not always getting it up and never cumming? I think it's deeper than that.

I also CAN find myself attracted to girls, just never in real life. It's weird.

 

[Rolyo85]

Cue Rolyo, your friendly neighborhood Kinsey Scale preacher (honestly, I should just write this down somewhere and paste it)...

Ah, there it is. So, here is the scale invented by Kinsey to describe people's sexuality:


0 - completely straight. No attraction whatsoever to the same gender.
1 - mostly straight. Very little and/or situational attraction to the same gender.
2 - more straight than gay. Sex with the opposite gender is more fulfilling, the attraction is stronger etc., but there is some definite interest in the same gender.

3 - bisexual. Bisexuality does not mean you are constantly attracted to both genders, it is usually defined by your state of mind, the environment, where you are in your life. You can be totally straight in one period, and gayer than a unicorn riding a rainbow in another.

4 - more gay than straight. Sex with the same gender is more fulfilling, the attraction is stronger etc., but there is some definite interest in the opposite gender.
5 - mostly gay. Very little and/or situational attraction to the opposite gender.
6 - completely gay. No attraction whatsoever to the opposite gender.


From what you've said so far, you are either a 5 or a 6 gay. Your problems with guys are not a product of your sexuality, but of your perception of it. You have issues regarding your sexuality that you have to deal with before you could enjoy sex properly. What follows is me telling you that being gay is absolutely magical IF you can accept it as such, but honestly, I don't expect it would be enough. I don't have the right words for you, but maybe someone else here will. And if not, there is no shame in talking to a professional about your issues.

But don't delude yourself. You don't need to "search" for your sexuality. It's there, in plain sight And there is nothing wrong with it.

 

[cocksucker4use]

You should see a mental health professional. The fact that you see yourself as "shut down" and a "shell" is something that needs to be explored. Whether you are straight, gay or whatever is probably not going to be evident until you are able to feel sexual and engage on a human level, sexually and emotionally, with another person. Sounds like you have some things to sort out. The important thing is that your are happy in your life.

 

[Seasoned]

I'm replying to welcome you to JUB and to concur with the above insofar as recommending therapy for you. The answer to your question can only be found within you. Best wishes.

 

[rareboy]

^ Based on your responses to my questions, I definitely think that you may benefit from working through some of your larger issues before you can be at ease and enjoy the emotional as well as physical aspects of sexuality and relationships.

Depression and anxiety can be huge obstacles in the way of everything and you deserve to be free of these in order to please yourself and partners. Very often, depression has a physiological origin as well as behavioural and it can be a dark spiral.

At this point, while you think you may be looking for satisfaction by hooking up with basically random guys that you feel no connection to, the expectations are usually going to be dashed by the reality, leading to more anxiety and depression.

So along with recommending that you speak to your doc about depression and seek out a good counsellor to listen to you and help sort out any underlying issues in your life, I will also recommend the following:

- Get at least 6-7 hours of sleep at night. If this is an issue for you, talk to your doc.
-In order to help with the sleep, cut out all msg in your diet. It can cause major problems with sleep.
-Cut out HFCS and refined sugars. Your poor pancreas and metabolism don't like them, and the high and crash from them can be a real problem for people with mood disorders and/or depression.
-Get outside and exercise at least 2 hours per day...even if it only means taking a slow walk. It can help clear your mind and help you with the sleep thing as well.

And as far as whether you're exclusively gay or bi-sexual? Don't worry about that.

What matters is that you are a person who is capable and deserving of affection, passion and happiness.

 

[itsme1]

^ Thanks. It's actually sad how I purposely kept the word "depression" out of the OP but still all the "mental health" stuff came up. I almost find it offensive even though I respect everyone's opinions and I'm sure the offer comes from a good place. I'm just disappointed that's the way it is. I don't know for sure why I'm so opposed to counselling but it's the last thing I would want to do. I can't open up that much to someone who sees my face. There's another possible reason for that but I'd rather not say it here. Maybe I'm crazy, but posting on forums like this is the closest to counselling I can get.

Funny that you also guessed about my sleeping habits. I'm almost psychotic if I don't get enough sleep. I still think not knowing how to label myself contributes a lot to how I feel. I can't make any connection (not necessarily sexual or emotional) with people until I can be honest and sure of who I am. The technical solution is to try being with a girl but I have no desire to do that in real life...I can get it from porn sometimes (still prefer guys) but never real life. It's amazing how a dumb situation like this can actually control my life.

 

[Rolyo85]

I already told you - you are gay. No need to search further. It's your psychological issues that prevent you to have a clear view of what you want.

And I would strongly suggest giving counseling a try. Yes, advices on here come from a good place but none of us are professionals, and in the end the people you would go and talk in person with are not just some cold psychologists who do it for the money. Most if not all of the people who go to work into counseling do it because they genuinely want to help.

 

[TheOscar]

A lot of the time, we see guys who self-sabotage and then come back with the question, "Maybe I'm not gay".

Gay is something that happens between your ears, not between your legs. Straight guys can get off to blowjobs from guys, yet if you ask them if they are attracted to guys, they would say, "No, I'm straight".

So, let's review your experience with some selective highlighting:

So, instead of meeting someone that you're attracted to, going out a few times, making out and experimenting once you are comfortable with them, you're in a pattern of picking strangers that you're not attracted to or friends who are straight.

And you're left with that escape hatch of "I couldn't get it up, so maybe I'm not gay".

Based upon your description, you are gay. And gay people, like straight people, can make bad choices.

I agree, I feel like you've made bad choices, too. Try and not go after ones you are not really attracted to. Wait for someone that really turns you on, haha. I mean that should work, right? I would say you are gay, but people are complex.

And if you think you are depressed, please get help. It can only make your life better. Look into that.

 

[rareboy]

^ Thanks. It's actually sad how I purposely kept the word "depression" out of the OP but still all the "mental health" stuff came up. I almost find it offensive even though I respect everyone's opinions and I'm sure the offer comes from a good place. I'm just disappointed that's the way it is. I don't know for sure why I'm so opposed to counselling but it's the last thing I would want to do. I can't open up that much to someone who sees my face. There's another possible reason for that but I'd rather not say it here. Maybe I'm crazy, but posting on forums like this is the closest to counselling I can get.

Funny that you also guessed about my sleeping habits. I'm almost psychotic if I don't get enough sleep. I still think not knowing how to label myself contributes a lot to how I feel. I can't make any connection (not necessarily sexual or emotional) with people until I can be honest and sure of who I am. The technical solution is to try being with a girl but I have no desire to do that in real life...I can get it from porn sometimes (still prefer guys) but never real life. It's amazing how a dumb situation like this can actually control my life.

It isn't the situation that is controlling your life.

You are controlling your life.

All of this anxiety over sexuality is just a proxy issue for the real problems you are experiencing.

Posting on forums isn't going to help. It isn't counselling. It is a good sign that you are reaching out because you recognize that you have problems, but it won't help you with depression.

Ask yourself. Why would you be seeking the opinion of a group of avatars and using their opinions to define what you are?

You define what and who you are. You are the one with the knowledge and the instincts to make these decisions. Not me. Or anyone else who may tell you that you are gay/bi-sexual/straight. At the end of the day, you see, none of us really care what your sexuality is and we can't be responsible for it.

So get your head straightened around and realize that you are in control. That you are the one who is responsible for finding out who you are and what your sexual preferences are.

In addition to my litany of things that you should do with respect to lifestyle changes, it would be good if you train yourself to shut down your computer at a specific time each night. Say 9:00 pm or at latest 10:00 pm.

You have to get your sleep cycle straightened out. It is adding a huge amount of stress to your life and is contributing to your anxiety and depression. Talk to your Doctor please.