I don't know if I'm in a relationship or should I still continue??

[aussieteen91]

Hi all,

I'm in a bit or a pickle at the moment and don't know what I should do.

I have been seeing a guy for a year now and we both get on really well and see each other weekly and text daily. First of all I'm 23 and he's 25, we're both not out and still live at home, so the sex side is very minimal (but it does happen if we go away together). He doesn't like to talk relationship stuff. Now and then he brings up something from a past relationship of his, but when I ask questions about his relationships, he doesn't answer.

After a few months of seeing him, I told him that I really liked him and would love to go from dating to something more. He wasn't up for it then, so I asked again at our six month 'anniversary' and he got mad at me. He said that he really really likes me, but just unsure if it's a good idea seeing he doesn't want to ruin what we already have going on. I gave him the scenarios if we did move forward, but he wend quiet and said he doesn't talk relationships and for us to continue what we are doing. I tell him that I love him regularly and he says 'no you don't, or don't talk silly'.

Anyway, I always tell him that I love him and am committed to him, in hope that one day he'll see that dating for a year should turn into a relationship.

But in the end, I want to know your opinions if I should continue seeking this 'relationship' that is just sailing in second base at all time, in hope to move to third base, or should I just tell him straight up and say, I value you a lot, but if nothing more can happen, I should move on??

Hope you lot can help with this confusing situation

 

[palbert]

From your post it sounds like there is no real future to this friendship. Your attempts to encourage a relationship are rebuffed at every turn. I would be open to new - and more encouraging - opportunities.

The situation isn't confusing at all. In fact, it's fairly common.

 

[KaraBulut]

. He doesn't like to talk relationship stuff. Now and then he brings up something from a past relationship of his, but when I ask questions about his relationships, he doesn't answer...He said that he really really likes me, but just unsure if it's a good idea seeing he doesn't want to ruin what we already have going on. I gave him the scenarios if we did move forward, but he wend quiet and said he doesn't talk relationships and for us to continue what we are doing...

Relationships require a "we"- two people communicating and two people making decisions together.

This isn't a "we", it's a "he"- he decides whether to talk and he makes the decisions. The chances of a "we" in this situation aren't good.

So, this comes down to you.

Do you want to continue to be in a relationship with someone who is emotionally remote, doesn't communicate, who has absolute control of the situation and doesn't want to change his behavior?

 

[Ganoderma]

hi aussieteen91,

Thanks for your posting and good to hear you would like to get some advice from people over here.

I tend to think that being in the closet (and staying in the closet forever?) is his biggest issue. I mean, how do you see to have and to develop a healty and a good relationship with another gay guy when no one around you is allowed that 'that guy' is in fact your boyfriend (or something like that)? Excuse me very much, but that scenario does not work and/or is something like walking along a road with a dead end.

So you also told us that you are closeted. Do you mind to tell us abit more about yourself and about the moment when you want to open the door of your closet? Do you mind to tell us why you are still in the closet? What's the opinion of your parents about gay people? Are you totally sure that no one around you will ever have started to think why you don't seem to be interested in girls (at all), and why you don't seem to be interested to get a girlfriend? Maybe there are girls of around your age around you who are interested in you and who are wondering why you seem not to be interested in them (or interested in girls in general)?

Please also note that a relationship with another gay guy is not only about sex, but its also about spending more time together with each other, going on a holiday together with each other (etc.). People around you will start to notice that you will start to do such things with 'guy X'. Same like people around a straight guy of around your age will start to notice that this straight guy starts to spend a lot of time with 'girl Y'. Those people will draw a conclusion. On the other hand, having a boyfriend / spending alot of time with a gay guy definitely is an easy way to open the door of your closet.

Thanks in advance for some replies, and please don't disclose details of your private life when you feel uncomfortable to disclose these details.

Best wishes & take care.

 

[Rolyo85]

I don't know what your personal circumstances are, but being in the closet is a major part of your issues, and the entire problem for him - he is not willing to commit because he is internally homophobic, as most people are while still in the closet. Not that he's aware of it of course. Committing to you would make the whole gay thing real, and would force it into the light, possibly leading to coming out.

Which is, usually, the right thing to do anyway.

But I agree that there's no future with this guy. And if he doesn't take your feelings into account at all and keeps shutting you down, well... then he doesn't really care about you the way you do about him now, does he?

 

[Seasoned]

Be careful when making threats. Never make a threat you're not willing to keep. Don't let the closet allow you to desperately hold on to something that's not providing for what you want and what you need. It sounds to me that he doesn't want to admit to himself that he's gay.

 

[TX-Beau]

Two guys in the closet, one starts peeking out, the other likes the dark - it'll end in tears. This has been played out a million times.

You will never get anything from him that means he's gay, because he doesn't want to be gay, and the closet will win every time.

Everything you want from him is exactly what he's running from. Push it and watch him disappear.

 

[mcbrion]

Hi all,

I'm in a bit or a pickle at the moment and don't know what I should do.

I have been seeing a guy for a year now and we both get on really well and see each other weekly and text daily. First of all I'm 23 and he's 25, we're both not out and still live at home, so the sex side is very minimal (but it does happen if we go away together). He doesn't like to talk relationship stuff. Now and then he brings up something from a past relationship of his, but when I ask questions about his relationships, he doesn't answer.

After a few months of seeing him, I told him that I really liked him and would love to go from dating to something more. He wasn't up for it then, so I asked again at our six month 'anniversary' and he got mad at me. He said that he really really likes me, but just unsure if it's a good idea seeing he doesn't want to ruin what we already have going on. I gave him the scenarios if we did move forward, but he wend quiet and said he doesn't talk relationships and for us to continue what we are doing. I tell him that I love him regularly and he says 'no you don't, or don't talk silly'.

Anyway, I always tell him that I love him and am committed to him, in hope that one day he'll see that dating for a year should turn into a relationship.

But in the end, I want to know your opinions if I should continue seeking this 'relationship' that is just sailing in second base at all time, in hope to move to third base, or should I just tell him straight up and say, I value you a lot, but if nothing more can happen, I should move on??

Hope you lot can help with this confusing situation

Someone telling "don't talk silly" is deflecting your honest expression of caring for him. It also means he doesn't want to address - at all - that you DO care about him. Meaning, he isn't ready for what you have to offer, or he's just not wanting that closeness with you. He sounds like someone frightened by strong declarations of feelings at all, since he, and he alone, determines when 'feelings' can be discussed.

And the closet issue? In my experience, which is pretty big, having lived in San Francisco for 30 years, is that being in the closet makes you live a split life: the part where you pretend to everyone you're not gay, and the battle in your own mind about it. Having anything truly healthy is going to be a major battle until you come out. It's like a dam, where the water pressure must be released at times so it doesn't build up too much, except you guys aren't releasing it.
Come out FIRST. Then learn who you are, and THEN, after you're comfortable, consider a relationship with someone who doesn't try to shut down your feelings.
But if you're somewhere where coming out would be dangerous? You have to think about that and decide on whether or not to stay there or go somewhere where you can be openly you. Staying in the closet will damage your heart and life more than you can imagine. I had a former boyfriend who lived in the closet in Detroit, finally moved to Palm Springs and everyone is so open that he wonders now how he could have lived like that. Being authentic comes in first place. "having a relationship" start with having an authentic one with you first. You can't have one with someone else before you have one with yourself.

 

[bankside]

Two guys in the closet, one starts peeking out, the other likes the dark - it'll end in tears. This has been played out a million times.

You will never get anything from him that means he's gay, because he doesn't want to be gay, and the closet will win every time.

Everything you want from him is exactly what he's running from.

I agree with this. He's running away from normal emotions.

Push it and watch him disappear.

I agree with this too...and I take it as a goal you should try for, aussie, not a caution about what might happen.

I'm sorry to hear it.