I don't know what to do...

[hairbway207]

so this is kind of a fucked up story...

I've been going through depression for almost a year now. Had some really bad experiences and been in some really dark places. During this time I had my FIRST EVER relationship which ended in a horribly messy breakup (he was cheating on me), many of my friends didn't want to deal with me, and I fucked things over with my roommate(s). The residence hall director ended up kicking me out of my dorm because of my depression and my behaviors associated with that. I ended up letting a bunch of my friends down in an event I was working on too. I think worst of all was that I lost my best friend because of it...
We had a really great relationship. He was the one person I felt comfortable sharing absolutely anything with, and we had so much fun when we were together. He was so nice and funny, and we were just such great friends, always doing things for each other. Due to my depression I acted very selfish and kept wanting more and more from him emotionally (I think I had deeper feelings for him than I realized, but he's straight btw). Towards the end of the school year things got really heated and we kept fighting a lot. One night we had a really bad fight (which when you're in a dorm everyone can hear you yelling) and things escalated to the point where I was asked to move out of our room. Also, I was slated to live with him and a few more friends in an apartment next year but was asked to leave that as well. So obviously me and him weren't on good terms. The last week or so of the semester I tried reaching out to him and seeing if he wanted to hang out and talk and he seemed into it, but alas he didn't have any time (or so he said).

Since about early May this year things have started to go really well for me. I'm feeling good about myself, doing an amazing job at work, and I'm helping people on a daily basis which is so great for me. I'm making a lot of friends at work and I'm really enjoying my life right now. So as for my best friend...since school ended I have been trying to contact him every so often through facebook or texts etc. but he hasn't answered ANY of my messages.. I don't really know what to do about this, and I really want things to go back to the way they were. With all of my friends actually, but mostly him because we were SO close...we knew things about each other that only the other one knew.

I'm nervous to go back to school too (going to be a senior this year and it SHOULD be exciting) because of this guy and because of how my other friends are going to treat me. A lot of them saw me in a really bad place/I let them down. I don't know if I'll be accepted after the things I've done..

What should I do about this and my relationships with my friends at school? Advice?

 

[Rolyo85]

What I'd suggest is, make a list of friends with your best bud at the top. Then go through that list. Try to meet those people one on one for coffee or whatnot, and if that's not an option, send e-mails. Explain how you feel, basically write something more personal in the spirit of what you just wrote on here. Don't use it as an excuse. Many people get depressed but being an asshole is still being an asshole. But let them know you are aware of how poorly you've behaved and how much you wish you could fix things, how much better your life is now, and how much you hope they will let you back in their lives. Some will, and some won't respond well to that, but making the attempt in the most considerate, soul-revealing and honest way possible is the only thing you can do with any chance of success.

 

[Stevieglw]

Depression is an awful thing, and it affects the way that we interact with those around us. It doesn't excuse us of certain behaviour but it does at least give a reason as to why.

You just have a lot of fences to mend, which you need to do with tact, grace and humilty. Some will come back to you and some won't. That's just life unfortunately. I wish you luck my friend.

 

[Seasoned]

You make amends and they have the option of welcoming you back in their lives or not. When we are ill it's our responsibility to seek treatment. You now know the warning signs if your depression should return. If you are now in an euphoric state you may be bipolar and may want an evaluation.

 

[hairbway207]

UPDATE:

I actually had gotten a few messages back from my best friend. He basically was saying things like he's not ready to fix it because he has so much shit on HIS plate, with school and work and his own relationships (just got a girlfriend recently, but it'll be long distance) but the important thing was he definitely said he IS interested in seeing if we can fix our friendship at SOME POINT. So there's hope! And we were able to talk a little bit the next day like things were normal. It felt so good. But I don't want to rush back into this friendship, ya know? I want to ease into it so he trusts me again.

And on a side note I've been really gunning hard lately for a relationship...I really want t a guy in my life who I can spend time with and have a relationship with cause my last boyfriend (my first btw) was really awful. I've been talking to this guy who just graduated from my college and is really sweet and cute, about maybe meeting at some point but I don't know if it'll work out. Secondly I've also been talking to a guy that I work with a lot lately. He had said something a while ago about not really being sure if me and him would work out, problem is I have a really great time every time I'm around him and he makes me really happy. Basically I like both of these guys and could see a relationship with both of them but I don't know how to make either of these work in my favor.

Any advice? On how to get involved in a relationship maybe?

 

[HunterM]

Heal yourself first! If you're not well, most people won't stick around...as you have experienced. Go seek professional counseling. When you are well, then it's easier and more fun to be in a relationship.

 

[hairbway207]

well I am going to counseling and have been on medication since may, which is why I am feeling ten times better. I think I mostly am feeling guilty for how I acted and used to be.

I'm ready for a relationship and to be accepted.

 

[TX-Beau]

Yeah stop it with the "gunning for a relationship" what you are going to end up doing is fucking yourself over.

Relationships develop around GUYS. You don't go out looking for one unless you like to torture yourself.

 

[hairbway207]

Yeah you're probably right :/ but I feel like a relationship could potentially be presenting itself with both of these guys but I don't know how to go about it. How do I know? And what do I do?

 

[TX-Beau]

You hang out, you go out, you fuck, cuddle, talk HAVE A GOOD TIME, and see what happens.

What you don't do is start picking out china patterns.

 

[Georgiadude]

What do you do? Act like the person you are. Obviously something has attracted them to you so just keep doing what your doing. What you DON'T do is what you did in the past. Obviously that didn't work. Treat them with kindness, respect and have fun. You said you were ready to move on.....so move on. Let the past be the past and stop stressing over it. Your going to over think this and sabotage it before it has a chance to even start.

Steven.