I don't understand how my mind works

[DarkHelios]

There's a guy I've been hanging out with for a little while now and I'm definitely starting to fall for him.

Problem: He doesn't know that I'm gay (most people don't, and I don't feel like shouting it from the rooftops) and I don't have any idea whether he is or not.

Solution: Tell him I'm gay; ask him if he's gay; or some combination of the two.

Somehow I'm finding this a lot harder in practice than in theory. I don't understand why because I don't actually have a lot to lose in this situation. Worst case scenario: he's either straight, or he's gay but not interested. If that happens, I'm pretty sure we'd just have a few awkward moments and then continue as good friends.

I just find it really difficult to go ahead and do it. (For further context, I've never had a girlfriend or boyfriend).

I'm not sure if I'm looking for advice or just venting.

 

[DarkHelios]

Has he shown any interest towards you?

About half the time we've gone to do things together, it's been his idea. I haven''t seen him hug any males other than me, but that doesn't mean that it hasn't happened. Everything's been pretty much platonic, or at most ambiguous. I think that the direct method is the only answer.

 

[trawler69]

I've had straight friends who I fancied that I nervously came out to, possibly in the hope that they weren't as straight as they professed to be. They are as straight as they professed to be and they are still good friends because I realised that friends are far more important than sexual fantasies and they were kind enough to be willing to remain friends despite my revelations.

 

[backpacker]

Tell him that you are gay, but don't ask him if he is gay. Some guys get really offended by the question, whether they are gay or not. If you are not comfortable talking to him directly about it, you can drop some very big hints. Say something like "I saw this really hot guy at the mall today." Depending on his reaction, you can always say "You do know I'm gay, right?" I think you'll do just fine handling the situation. Good luck!

 

[DarkHelios]

Tell him that you are gay, but don't ask him if he is gay. Some guys get really offended by the question, whether they are gay or not. If you are not comfortable talking to him directly about it, you can drop some very big hints. Say something like "I saw this really hot guy at the mall today." Depending on his reaction, you can always say "You do know I'm gay, right?" I think you'll do just fine handling the situation. Good luck!

That's what I'd like to do, I just find it hard to actually say the words. Admittedly, it wasn't easy to do with the people I've come out to already.

Thanks for the vote of confidence!

 

[12fear99]

I have been your in shoes before. I finally just talked about who I really am. The guy was not surprise and actually quite excited because he was wanting to tell me the same thing. We were both very relieved. We have been best friends ever since.

You will be fine. Do not make it harder than it is. Just go for it. Wish you the best of luck.

 

[DVM26uk]

If you ask him if he's gay and he isn't you'll potentially offend him, so you're probably better off just coming out to him to be honest.

I was in a similar situation with a work colleague; he was very touchey feely and just generally a nice guy so naturally I kind of took a liking to him. One night we were out in a club and a guy came over and started chatting to him and then actually asked if he was gay. My friend told the guy he was straight, so that kind of answered my question without the embarrassment of me having to do it.

Shame really, cos he's a good looking guy and has a really nice personality. But I guess we all have to move on from those situations and try our best to keep friendships platonic.

 

[topherlover555]

I've definately known EXACTLY what you are going through and im honestly telling u that you're looking to take a big risk. You clearly like this guy and u think he's gay. You probably think if you come out to him he'll come out to you. This is probably not the case, however, it could be. With me, the guy freaked out, but calmed down after, and now we're good friends, but I still am waiting for him to come out of his over-sized closet. If you truly feel enough for this guy that you could withstand waiting for something to happen over an extremely long period of time, than go for it, if not, keep ur flirtatious manner going, its much more fun than wanting him to come out CONSTANTLY.
if u just need to get it off ur chest than do so.

 

[DarkHelios]

What bugs me is that there's no reason that this should be so difficult because:

1. I know him well enough to know that whether he's gay or straight, interested or not, we'd still be friends.

2. If a romantic relationship isn't an option, I'm happy to maintain a platonic friendship with him.

I'm hoping probability will work on my side. The more often I see him, the greater the chance that I'll actually bring myself to say something. Somehow I need to short-circuit the part of my brain that over-analyzes things.

 

[Lube]

You find it hard to tell him = you're not comfortable being gay.

Maybe you should work on that part first.

 

[topherlover555]

You find it hard to tell him = you're not comfortable being gay.

Maybe you should work on that part first.

that;s not entirely true. You are comfortable with being gay, but insecurities surface when it comes to crushes.

Maybe you are just nervous that things will change. This is more or less inevitable, but you can't feel insecure with him. If he truly is your friend and is not gay or not ready for anything, he will still be able to adapt. It is all about your sense of how close he is to u