I don't understand why it's still bothering me.

[Unexisted]

A few months ago I finally told my friend, heck a good friend of 5 years that I had feelings for him. Those feelings didn't occur until around a year and a half ago it sort of blind sided me. However the bad part is about to arrive.

After I told him that, he pretty much cut all contact with me and about a month after I told him he started doing things that I would never have expected him to do such as getting into drugs. Even going so far as to try and me feel like an idiot. I learned from my other friends(we have the same group of friends) that he doesn't bring up my name and avoids anything and everything about me. We haven't talked in nearly 4 months.

I don't know, I just feel betrayed. I told him how I felt because in my mind it started to become a problem and if I have a problem with someone, I discuss it with them and resolve it. And him running away from any and all attempts to resolve this is just cowardly.

I know I shouldn't worry and I should forget everything about him, but it just left a severe scar in me trusting people.

 

[BAMA32]

This happened to me before, except I was the other dude. I did the avoidance and cutting out. Why? Exactly what skittles said below:

You basically dropped a ton of bricks on your friend and he is obviously not able to deal with it, so he's trying to numb himself to the whole thing.

I imagine he wonders what he's done to cause you to have those kind of feelings for him. I don't think he was flattered by the news, it sounds more like he was devastated.

I didn't know what to do with that. And I wasn't comfortable around him because, I dunno, how am I suppose to react. And I certainly don't want to lead him on to think something is going to come out of it either.

Most importantly, having some space and distance was a great idea for both sides to work out the issue and have time for the initial effects to wear off basically.

I have no explanation for the drug thing, or if that is even related. It could be merely coincidence on his part.

 

[TX-Beau]

OK, his behavior is not on you, it's on him. He'd have to be pretty unstable in the first place to go straight to drug abuse because you told him you wanted him.

That said. chalk one up to learning experience. In a lot of these threads, guys in your situation are sometimes advised to go tell the straight guy their feelings. But that's rarely a good idea. Tell him you're gay sure. That's nice and impersonal and doesn't send insecure straight guys straight into gay panic.

First, he probably is thinking that he doesn't want anyone to think he's gay, and is having some needless gay by association issues.

Second, he probably does feel that you've betrayed his trust, he wasn't the one who was withholding vital info. You were. You were his best friend and you lied to him. Everyone in here understands why, but it's still lying - and now he has to wonder how much of his friendship was you perving on him.

No it's not rational, or even fair, but there it is. If you give him enough time he may get over it. But don't sit around agonizing about when.

Go find some gay men to crush on, you'll be far less likely to crush on straight guys if you're chasing guys who actually want you.

Don't feel too down, you made a tactical error, but we've pretty much all been there, and who knows, time may cure him.

 

[Eagle653]

Hi Unexisted, and welcome to JUB!

I don't know, I just feel betrayed. I told him how I felt because in my mind it started to become a problem and if I have a problem with someone, I discuss it with them and resolve it. And him running away from any and all attempts to resolve this is just cowardly.

It could be that he feels betrayed too. He thought your friendship was predicated on two straight guys who felt the same type of platonic friendship for each other. Now, he finds out that you had different feelings for him than he did for you. Thus, he probably wonders if your friendship for him was based on some sexual attraction.

He's reacted badly, and it's too bad that he didn't have the maturity to tell you how he feels. It could be that he didn't know how and couldn't articulate it. Or, he could feel angry and betrayed as if you were secretly lusting after him and jacking off to fantasies of you and him, which may disturb and revolt him.

You're new here, but there have been several threads about guys who fall for straight friends and the question sometimes comes up as to whether to tell them. Usually, the advice is "no." If there is a one-sided attraction, that's YOUR issue, not his and, if you want to maintain the friendship, you need to deal with it without bringing him into the drama. It's one thing to come out about your homosexuality/bisexuality to a male friend, it's something else altogether to confess feelings for them--especially feelings that are frustrated by the fact that the feelings aren't returned.

You learned a hard lesson. You aren't going to get his friendship back, probably, so chalk it up to experience and move on. I'm sorry this happened, because I know it hurts--losing a friend and someone you had special feelings for on top of it. But, move on and learn from it and don't make the same mistake twice.

Good luck--and welcome again.

 

[Unexisted]

I appreciate the replies and I enjoy when people give me the clear cut truths even when I don't agree with them, as some of the replies. I sort of feel like you guys are misunderstanding me, its not the fact he may or may not feel the same way its just the way he went about it that just irks me, considering all the actions he's done when it was just me and him before I told him.(too many to list and I'm lazy)

I guess out of all my friends he was the least mature despite being the oldest, don't know what I saw in him to make me "fall" for him now that I see it in retrospect.

Once again thanks for the replies, people who haven't posted I'd like to hear your thoughts too. On a side note that's not really important is that I'm bi.

 

[spencer]

When I came out to my friend it freaked him out and then we sat and talked about it. He said he understands and he said he'd always be there for me. He held my hand in a 30 second hand shake when he said that, have me a big hug and I was soooo happy we talked.

He never answered another phone call from me again.

It can always be worse. And it still hurts today.

 

[BAMA32]

Yeah, you never know how people will react, or how you yourself will react. Each situation seems to be different. The example I gave, he and I are friends again, but we don't see each other much or hangout. But we do keep in touch. But again I'm from the other side of that coin, in that I'm the one who cut him out. But now, he's the one that doesn't respond to me that often. Out of sight out of mind I guess, no big deal. (Which is probably for the better, he probably feels uncomfortable around me seeing as he had these feelings before, and now he and his wife have a baby on the way. Though it's not my fault, maybe he still has latent feelings or something. I don't know, and I wouldn't want to complicate his life anymore than he is.)

 

[spencer]

Yeah, you never know how people will react, or how you yourself will react. Each situation seems to be different. The example I gave, he and I are friends again, but we don't see each other much or hangout. But we do keep in touch. But again I'm from the other side of that coin, in that I'm the one who cut him out. But now, he's the one that doesn't respond to me that often. Out of sight out of mind I guess, no big deal. (Which is probably for the better, he probably feels uncomfortable around me seeing as he had these feelings before, and now he and his wife have a baby on the way. Though it's not my fault, maybe he still has latent feelings or something. I don't know, and I wouldn't want to complicate his life anymore than he is.)

BAMA, you are a good person. Really what people want (and what I wanted) was to be respected and given some sort of closure. I wish if my friend had done what you did, it would be the same. I wouldn't contact him as much but I wouldn't be hurt for the rest of my life as I am. I think that is where your friend is at. He just wanted closure or know that you can still be friends but realizes that you both moved on. What you did for him allowed him to me move on. That's why I thank you for doing that.

 

[StlKj]

I don't know, I just feel betrayed. I told him how I felt because in my mind it started to become a problem and if I have a problem with someone, I discuss it with them and resolve it. And him running away from any and all attempts to resolve this is just cowardly.

You didn't have a problem with someone. You had a problem. He was blissfully unaware of how you felt, and enjoying the friendship for what he thought it was. When you put the issue on the table, you changed all of that. You forever altered a friendship he may have treasured because of your own selfish need to get it off your chest. That's not being harsh--it truly was selfish of you to tell him you had feelings for him, especially if you knew on some level he didn't return those feelings. You changed everything, and then you blame him and call him cowardly when you were the one who betrayed what he thought you had. And you're still thinking selfishly about how hurt YOU are, and how badly he's betrayed YOU.

Maybe now's the time for you to stop thinking of yourself, and start trying to empathize and understand him a little better. The friendship is apparently over, but that doesn't mean you can't at least practice feeling some remorse and responsibility for the part that you played in all of this. It's a sad thing that you loved a friend and he couldn't handle it, but you're not the only victim here, and while he's not doing anything to you, you most definitely did this to him.

 

[hotb0d]

Whether you still like this guy or not, I think what you should do is go confront him. Since he pretty much discarded your friendship, you really can't lose much more. Tell him to not be such wuss, solve the problem and not run from it. Affirm to him that your guys friendship will continue to stay the same, nothing will change.

If nothing works and he's still avoiding you, then you don't need a friend like that. Just move on and find new friends to replace him

 

[DonSade]

Well... I went through this a while back. He was also gay. But in our case it was a weird rollercoaster (afterwards he'd try having sex with me despite telling people he found me disgusting... figures). The one thing you have to think about here as Killjoke pointed out is that this was your own selfish need coming through and it was a risk you took. You took it because at some point you felt saying it would feel better than not having his friendship at all. You have to accept the consequences of your actions.

In my case I was in your position but he did give me signs at some point though. After I told him he'd have a wavy reaction: he'd get really close to me and then really far again for months at a time, then really really close and then far again. Truth is I told him "I know this is selfish but i might be falling for you. I don't expect you to say anything or for things between us to change. I just needed to get that out. "His reply: "I love you too but we should talk". We never properly did. He then would say things like "You're one of the few people I want in my life forever.".... but I never took anything as a lead... not even him masturbating in my bed all drunk and stinky. I didn't want sex from him. I wanted my friend back! I valued his friendship that much.

Today we can't look at each other despite me trying for almost a year to set things right and trying to have a sane adult conversation on the matter. We're awkward around each other, obviously bothered. He blurts hurtful things at me now and so do I back... never face to face but through txt or specific key moments he chooses to make me feel like crap. I just decided it was time to let go even though it hurt because I do miss his friendship and he was a very important component in my life for almost 3 years. What reeally hurts the most is the fact that this was all my doing. But it was not up to me to set things right. It was his decision. And he obviously wasn't interested in my friendship.Despite the fact that he humiliated me like no one else in my life, I have this guilt in me because I know I set the course for all this.

You should give him his space, let him think about everything and if he some day wants to bring it up and talk to you great! Otherwise, well, you're out of luck brother. You just lost a friend at your own expense. It sounds rough but it's the plain ol' truth. Life goes on and there's more people down the road to meet and have BBQ with

 

[mydrew1]

Ask one of your friends to speak to him about his drug problem, to try to get him off them. That's all I'd recommend. It looks like you lost a friend, better than than him beating you up I'd say.

 

[TX-Beau]

Yeah don't set yourself up as his mommy. If he won't talk to you, how's he gonna react to you sending people to lecture him about that.

 

[Unexisted]

You didn't have a problem with someone. You had a problem. He was blissfully unaware of how you felt, and enjoying the friendship for what he thought it was. When you put the issue on the table, you changed all of that. You forever altered a friendship he may have treasured because of your own selfish need to get it off your chest. That's not being harsh--it truly was selfish of you to tell him you had feelings for him, especially if you knew on some level he didn't return those feelings. You changed everything, and then you blame him and call him cowardly when you were the one who betrayed what he thought you had. And you're still thinking selfishly about how hurt YOU are, and how badly he's betrayed YOU.

Maybe now's the time for you to stop thinking of yourself, and start trying to empathize and understand him a little better. The friendship is apparently over, but that doesn't mean you can't at least practice feeling some remorse and responsibility for the part that you played in all of this. It's a sad thing that you loved a friend and he couldn't handle it, but you're not the only victim here, and while he's not doing anything to you, you most definitely did this to him.

So its selfish of me to be honest with someone? I try to empathize but when hanging up in someone's face I have no empathy for them. The reason I'm tough on him and describing him as a coward is because I was one. Sorry all I did was be honest. So now being truthful is just as bad as lying nowadays.

 

[StlKj]

So its selfish of me to be honest with someone? I try to empathize but when hanging up in someone's face I have no empathy for them. The reason I'm tough on him and describing him as a coward is because I was one. Sorry all I did was be honest. So now being truthful is just as bad as lying nowadays.

What response did you expect? Was there any hope that he might reciprocate? What was there to gain by telling him? Did you consider how it might affect him, or was it about getting it off your chest?

It's not about your honesty; it's about your intent. If you suspected at all that he didn't feel that way, then yes, it was selfish. What are you really pissed about--the reaction you got, or the one you didn't?

 

[Unexisted]

What response did you expect? Was there any hope that he might reciprocate? What was there to gain by telling him? Did you consider how it might affect him, or was it about getting it off your chest?

It's not about your honesty; it's about your intent. If you suspected at all that he didn't feel that way, then yes, it was selfish. What are you really pissed about--the reaction you got, or the one you didn't?

Its mainly the reaction I got. I have 2 groups of friends I hang out with. Whenever we had an issue with one another we'd get over it and joke about it and no hard feelings. I thought what would happen is, sure things would be awkward for a bit but that would've been temporary. But things just went all hell.

 

[DonSade]

Honey... being angry because one of you ditched the other at a party... warranted... and possibly with talk it can be solved. Hearing from a very good friend that he has a crush on you... not exactly something easy to deal with or let alone talk about.

He has every right to react the way he did. You just have to live with it. That's your part. I'm never going to do that again if it happens (which i doubt)... I learned my lesson.

Being honest is one of the pillars of friendship but honesty reaches a crossroads when it also has the power to change things for the worst... and that's where the truly wise find the balance in saying what should be said and keeping in what shouldn't. It's not easy but in time you'll find there's things that simply have no reason to reach anyone else's ears. Perhaps you could've gotten help from another friend and told them instead to maybe ease the pressure a little but telling him directly is kind of uncalled for and unwarranted. I'd even say a tad disrespectful because he's your platonic friend and will never see you at the level and could probably never be able to comprehend seeing you at that level either.

You take what you get in that situation because the minute it comes out of your mouth, the ball leaves your court and plays in his. Man up and let him go. You're actually making it worst by trying to fix it and that I say thanks to personal experience. He can and most likely will get the idea that you might be after him because you want some sort of romantic relationship with him. If you give him his space though, he might reconsider and come to his senses if he values your friendship as much as you do. After all, you were honest because you felt you would've been disloyal to him by not letting him know. At least that's what I felt when I told mine. hehe

 

[StlKj]

Look, when I say you were selfish, and still are being selfish, it really isn't meant to be harsh. It simply is what it is--you dropped a bomb on him because you needed to, and you didn't really consider his feelings. He ended up being less together than you thought, and it seemingly sent him into a tailspin. Of course, it's possible there are other things in his life that are going wrong now, and his drug usage doesn't necessarily have anything to do with you.

Some things, when said, simply can't be taken back, and they alter everything after they are uttered. I've had several friendships where the other person loved me more than I could love them--one is still one of my best friends, but the other friendship died quickly and never recovered. When someone bares his or her soul in such a way, the object of the affection can feel tremendous awkwardness thereafter. In some ways, the friendship that was has essentially died for that person. All kinds of emotions could be swirling about--frustration and guilt that the feelings aren't returned, anger that what was a good thing has now been changed forever, depression/grief at the loss of what was, etc.

What happened between the two of you should not prompt you to not trust others. He did not hurt you out of the blue--he merely fell apart and could not handle what you told him. Forgive him for not being strong enough to handle it, learn your lesson, and move on.

 

[spencer]

I would sit him down and call a truce. Tell him we're guys and we're not letting bygones be bygones.

Sometimes things are weird because we act weird and in turn makes the other party weird.

Plus give it more time and try to agonize less about it.