I don't want to feel like this...any advice?

[ncc72134]

Hey guys...I'm going to vent for a while. If you get to the end and have any advice, I'd be eternally grateful. I'm 29 and I decided to go back to a local university to finish my Bachelor's in Music Education. I thought going in I could hunker down, avoid all the "college" pitfalls and just get the degree. As it turns out, that's impossible no matter how old you are.

I play the trumpet and last year when I started back there was an incoming Freshmen, 10 years younger than me, who also plays trumpet. We'll call him Josh. We had some of the same classes but we didn't hang out or anything. He's a nice guy and I find him mighty attractive. I wasn't out last year as I was still getting to know my way around the students and instructors. He was living with his girlfriend and they'd been dating for two years, I think. Well, last Spring we had more of the same classes together and we starting hanging out in between classes. We were both tapped to join the music fraternity and we were really good friends by the end of the semester.

When it came to sign up for classes for this semester we picked all the same classes. Why not? It's always good to have at least one friend to study with, right? We didn't spend a lot of time together over the summer. I was way busy with summer classes and work. When the audition material for the top band was announced we started practicing together. When this semester finally started, everything was cool. I was working like crazy, he found a job at a gas station and we really only saw each other in class.

A few weeks into the semester, he dropped a bomb and told me his GF broke up with him. Just said she needed time to figure her shit out and wanted some space. Well, you would have thought the world was exploding. I did what every good friend does, though, and I consoled him. Having been in a couple serious relationships I dispensed my sage advice that he'll get over her and find someone who won't treat him like shit. Turns out she was seeing other guys and spending the nights at their places toward the end of their relationship.

Josh and I both live about an hour from school. He was living with his GF about two minutes from the university but he had to move out. Flashback moment: I came out to a couple people last year, Josh was not one of them. Turns out, one of the people I came out to told Josh. I had no idea he knew and he never let on. Well, the weekend of our local Pride festival there was a big party with all the people from the (co-ed, BTW) fraternity and I wasn't sure if I was going. Pride is a pretty big deal hear, being in such a small city. I decided to go and wear my Pride garb. I was coming out to the people who had become my friends and I knew they would accept me. It was fantastic party and, as it turns out, no one gives a shit who's gay and who's not. It felt so good to just be myself.

So, because Josh had to move back home and I was working less this semester, we were spending a ton of time together. He's still only in love with this bitch and he's not getting any better. He told me a few weeks ago he still cries himself to sleep and his only solace is Glee. It's kind of strange how attached he is to Glee and the fact that he only listens to Glee music in his car, at a very high volume...anyway. I finally got him to come to a get-together my friends outside of school were having. He's never met them. Most of my friends are gay/lesbian because we all have to stick together here . Josh didn't have any gay friends before me. I don't even think he knew any gay kids from high school. So, I've been introducing him to queer society since we've been spending so much time together.

Turns out, some of my friends think he's gay. He has some mannerisms and tendencies that may lean that way. I've been flirting with him and making a ton of gay jokes and shit like that. He gets really uncomfortable and it's fairly funny to watch. It's all been light and we always have fun together. He admitted to me that he's jealous of the action I get using Grindr and Adam4Adam.

While all of this has been going on this semester, something really terrible happened. While talking with another friend about Josh I came to realize in a rather profound and heartbreaking moment that I have developed feelings for Josh. Something I haven't felt for someone in a very long time. I don't know if love is the right word, but I don't want to feel like this. I can't. Here's what makes this truly terrible: the bitch ex GF called him this week to tell him about some problems she's having. He dropped everything that night, went to her apartment and they supposedly talked until 3 AM.

This is directly from Josh: They cried about the feelings they still have for each other. She admitted to fucking around with several other guys while they were apart and admitted to treating him like shit. They ended up naked and slept together but didn't fuck. He ended up crying in my arms again saying he should hate her for what she's done and shouldn't trust her. She said she wants to get back together but take things slow and see where it goes.

I don't know what to do. He kept asking me for advice and continued to say he should hate her for being a bitch and hurting him. I haven't said a word about my feelings for him. I can't...can I? We still have another two years together in school and I don't want to lose his friendship but I can't give him unbiased advice about this girl. I want to smack in the head with a frying pan and tell him I'd never hurt him like that...but I can't. I don't know what to do.

I'm not a terribly emotional person. I usually keep things under wraps and avoid letting my heart get in the way of things. I haven't felt like this in a long time and I hate it. I don't want these feelings to turn into resentment toward Josh. It's not his fault. He keeps asking me what's wrong, though, and I'm trying to be strong. I haven't slept in two days and I randomly start crying out of what I assume is despair. The last time that happened is when my father died. I've talked with my best friend about it and she says to just keep it to myself, that, in time, these feelings will go away. Winter break is coming up soon and we probably won't see each other for three weeks...I don't know what to do.

If you're still reading, thank you. If you have any advice, I'm all ears and eyes. If you think I'm being ridiculous, tell me that, too. Maybe just writing this will help?

 

[HunterM]

As long as you're still single and hanging out with Josh, you will never get rid of your feelings for him. It's because you're fixated on him and he is not returning your affections. And as long as you're still pining over him, you are probably missing opportunities in meeting someone else to start a relationship with.

He is an adult. He must live his own love life...just as you're an adult and wouldn't want others to tell you whom you could or couldn't date or fuck. You can listen to his stories and give your advice. But that's it. You need to respect his boundary as a straight man or a closeted gay man.

Spend more time apart from him...to allow yourself to find someone else who would reciprocate your affections.

 

[Kyanimal]

^ Excellent advice from Gen_Lafayette!

Also, keep in mind that Your feelings for Josh are not emanating from Him, but rather from within You! He may not feel the same ways, and you have to be prepared to accept, and respect, that as a True Friend would!

However, I must say that in spite of your "Interest" in Josh, you would be doing him a true favor in luring/directing him away from that conniving, deceiving, B*tch!

I'm wishing the Very Best for Both of You! However, the ultimate better outcome may not be loaded in Your favor!

If Josh is Truly Str8, the best for Him would be moving on to another chick! And, if you surely do Care about Him, that is what you should encourage him to do!

However, if there's still a glimmer of a chance ... well ...

In any case ... no matter what ...

Keep smilin'!!
Chaz

(And, still do keep us posted. )

 

[Seasoned]

Are you sure the issue is "not wanting to feel like this," and not, I don't want to confess my feelings and get shot down?

You're in the middle of his relationship because he put you there, but he will do what he thinks is best for himself. The first think a wannabe does is denigrate the friend's partner. That's not your role. He could end up marrying her and asking you to be best man. Repeatedly telling him what you think of someone he continues to see could end your relationship with him.

If you take action be straightforward. He has all the ammunition against her that he needs. Let him know that if he were bi or gay you'd stand in line ready to date him.

 

[Rolyo85]

Why are you even pining after a child?

See, because you asked us to be blunt, let me point this out to you - you should ALWAYS be out, not waiting to get to know people. Out should be your default setting, so everyone knows you're on the market, and so you can actually interact freely with other gay guys.

WhyEVER fixate on a straight kid that can't even drink legally, when you are hitting 30? I am not against age difference, but you're just wasting your time and probably being a bit creepy. Not to mention, he sounds exactly like kids are at that age - immature about relationships and feelings, going after the bitch that treated him like crap, expecting she will magically change because of reasons. This is so childish, I don't even know how you manage to keep a straight face when he is talking to you about it.

And I realize I sound like a douchenozzle right now. When somebody is broken down about someone, they are, and it's real, whatever the reasons. But I wanted to try and jar you into realizing you're acting way under you actual age and the supposed maturity that comes with it. You should not be his best girl-friend that's telling him how evil that bitch is. You should be the friend telling him that he is being ridiculous and obsessed with the relationship, ignoring the actual person it was with and obsessing out of force of habit.

Just my obnoxious 2 cents.

 

[KaraBulut]

The reason that you're feeling this way is that you are trying to be everything- friend, brother, father and lover to a very young, very confused straight guy.

You have to make a choice- what are you going to be here?

If you're going to be a friend, get out of the details of his life. It is his life, and just like you 10 years ago, he has to make his own mistakes, his own screw-ups and he has to learn a lot of really painful lessons about women and relationships. To be his friend, you listen and you support the decisions that he makes, even if you don't always agree with him.

If you can't respect the boundaries of friendship, then for your own mental health, you may need to put some distance between yourself and the situation.

 

[Benvolio]

Is it possible that he is attracted to you, and not as straight as you think? He resents you sucess on adam4 adam? Cries in your arms? Has he ever been flirty with you in other ways?

 

[ncc72134]

Thank you all for all the advice, even the cold, hard truth from Rolyo85 . Josh and I talked, I went slowly so as not to lose him and I told him how I feel. The good news is that he didn't freak out and run out of the room. It being finals week and us not spending a lot of time together has been a good thing. I told him I just needed some time away from him to get over this. He seems to understand that, at least. I did tell him I didn't want to talk about his girlfriend yet, so he's kept quiet about that. I do, however, still want to punch her in the face. As it turns out, as mutual friends have said, they're spending three or four days a week together. He's going to do what he's going to do. Eventually (I hope) I'll be back at the friend zone and things will be back to normal. It never occurred to me that I would or could have these feelings for him and I certainly don't want them. I've read enough posts and stories and seen enough movies to know that falling for the straight guy never ends well. Hopefully our friendship will last and we'll be able to laugh about this one day.

 

[Seasoned]

Best wishes as you move on.

 

[AngolaZee]

Toni Braxton - Let it Flow

 

[MorrisseyX]

I think the OP can still be a good friend to Josh but he needs to focus on his love life and his needs.

Maybe the OP needs some distance from Josh just a little bit of distance so he can see things differently and focus more on his needs and his life and his happiness. Forget about Josh, what does the OP think is going to make him happy?


The OP the age difference is an issue, doesn't the OP want to meet someone already on his own level? Someone that is mature and proud to be gay? Why waste your time pining after some straight kid?

I guess it is natural for the OP to be attracted to Josh often that happens with gay guys we become attracted to male friends. The question for the OP is what does he want to happen with his attraction to Josh? What does the OP think would be the conclusion of this? I think the OP should focus on his own love life and try to meet someone else.