I dug myself into a very deep hole.[Long fucking read]

[ElMmSM]

Ok So where to begin....

Ok so I met my friend in the 7th grade. I think I became friends with him because he was the only person who wanted to be my partner in science. So anyways He was also in 2 of my other classes so we became really fast friends. At our school it was only 7th and 8th grade so we were there for 2 years then high school started.

But I had a problem. I apparently lived too far away and so I had to go to my designated High school on the other side of town, so I missed out on Freshmen year at the school I wanted to go. But as soon as Freshmen year ended I applied for the High school I wanted and was allowed to go because now I lived close enough .

So first day of my Sophomore year I was like really freaked out. I knew no one and the people I did know I had not seen in a year. But during PE I walked into the Gym and I heard someone call my name and I looked up at the bleachers and saw my friends from Middle school. I was really happy to see a familiar face that I was happy to see.

Oh wait but before i go on, I have to also add that before that year int he summer was when I think I first started questioning who I was and stuff. I don't think I ever like resented those thoughts or anything of being bi or gay, I just kinda thought to myself, I probably shouldn't mention this to anyone because I am kinda of deathly afraid of coming out to my family.

But anyways, I'll call my friend Kyle for all intents and purposes because I dont want to use real names. Google is advancing too damn fast.

So anyways I was really happy to see Kyle and from then on we like became best friends. We went to movies hung out played video games all that regular Teen stuff.

So then Summer of 04 I believe or maybe 05, I dunno I'm horrible at remembering dates, but anyways the summer after sophomore year, I had one of those dreams. The sex ones. You know what i mean a sexual dream with someone you know that you end up waking up in the middle of the night wondering wtf kind of mind fuck that just was.

The dream involved him and all that sexual stuff. When I woke from it I wondered to myself I wonder if I can duplicate that dream for tomorrow night..... And I think from then on it wasn't so much a crush that developed from that dream as it was Lust. So I kinda secretly lusted for him afterwards. So then Middle of the summer he would spend the night at my house and stuff. And I had one bed, pretty big because my parents spoil me so I there was plenty of room. So he would do that a lot, come over and spend the night. The middle of Junior year, maybe the middle I kinda started jokingly doing gay things such as um, bending over to tie my shoes while I was walking infront of him. Saying things suck as maybe later, when he would say fuck you or I would also say, Where and When? Also I would nag him about sex constantly like I was some 1000 year old woman who hadn't been laid since the 1800s. So yea that increased that lust to a whole new level.

So the cycle for my junior year were invite over, get into bed, try to seduce, never worked

And then Summer after that our little group of 3, me kyle and another girl we knew, who shall be named er, Peach because I'm looking at my Mario Background, So me Peach and kyle were great friends that summer, and during that time we knew this one guy who I shall name Gary. So Gary was pretty quiet never seemed to go out, and then I made the brilliant suggestion of inviting him with us to places. now here is something I never bothered to remember. Gary went to middle school with Kyle and me and Kyle saw Gary more than I did and since Kyle and Gary did not have the same lunch as the rest of our group Junior year, they knew each other really well. And I really didn't think much of it. But then, beginning of Senior year which was last year, Kyle, Peach and Gary hung out alot more. Like they would go out to places like movies and stuff and I wouldn't know about it until ike days later. And it kinda pissed me off. They wouldn't invite me and Gary and kyle were becoming too good of friends. And then I realized um, I'm jealous and that I was developing feelings for kyle. And I just freaked out when I did. I mean it became obvious to me I really liked him. My sexual advances had increased and such and I was like really falling for him.

I was like oh shit.

After that realization I had confronted the little trio about how they exclusion of me had been rubbing me the wrong way and from then on I hated Gary. I despised him because I hated the fact he was becoming to good of friends with Kyle, who was pretty much my best friend at that time. And so I kinda like forbid Gary to coming anywhere near a 10 foot radius of me.

And so that was around Mid october or end of it when i came to the realization of my attracion to Kyle and the whole ordeal with me hating Gary now.

So then november I thought more about the whole Kyle and me thing. Would it ever happen? I knew he was straight and liked girls and everything but I kinda had this feeling that maybe some curioustiy was in there, because due to all of my sexual advances, it had made him into some Gay innuendo monster who constantly made some sexual advance jokingly to Gary earlier in the year. And also I too would hit on gary before i hated him. But anyways I really didn't know wtf to think.

I spent like a weekend by myself and thought about it. What should I do? tell him? But I thought about that but I decided against it because I wasnt ready to come out and we were still in school, and I swear stuff like that spreads like wild fire as you will find out later on. And then I thought of one thing which I saw as the only way to like solve it.

End the friendship. But it was there that thigns got difficult. He had been my best friend since the 7th grade. We had already made plans to move in to a house togheter the threee of us, Peach, Kyle and myself. We were really cool at that point and I really didnt know if ending the friendship was the right way to go. That was mid November and from then on up until maybe the end of december I thought about it. I thought about it long and hard. I think so far in my life it was the hardest thing for me to do.

Beginning of January of this year i decided it had to be done. I really had no choice. I wasnt ready to come out to him although I did make mention of it once but I really doubt he was listening when I did it. And I also knew that he was striahgt and that it would never happen and i was basically living in some fantasy when I thought about me and him toghether and what not.

So I decided that I would have to end it when the opportunity arised. I don't think I ever really formulated aplan such as talking to him about it and ending it right there and then as like a conversation. I just had decided to end it but I had to do it maturely and not be an asshole about it later one because thats a big problem I have. I'm a huge asshole.

Around Mid january we were in line for Our graduation slot picking thing. He was inline with some people from his last class and I kept calling him to come voer because he was ahead of us. He kept looking at me and saying "I cant" with this weird expression. I was like WTF is this about. and upon closer inspection I saw he was holding someones hand. I that point I thought to myself, I swear if its a guy I'll be so happy, I'll knock the fucker out we'll skip through a rainbow infested field together.

But no, It was a girl. When I saw it. My heart dropped. Like if my heart was at the top of the Empire State building in the elevator and someone cut the cable and sent it plunging down into the basment to some fiery inferno.

And the really weird thing about all of this was that I had a dream about those 2 once like in december and had been dying to tell someone about it, but I didnt want anyone to like say I was weird or anything because I was dreaming of that girl who I had never met before in my life but had seen and knew her name.

So I stood there inline with like this feeling like someone had ripped my heart out and thrown it into a fire.

After the line was over, we were supposed to hangout afterwards but I kinda didnt want to. His friends from his other class wanted to go watch a movie somwhere but he really wanted to go hangout with me. But I told him to go with him. but he didnt want to go and he ended up hanging out with me that day. So Ont he car ride to pay my phone and pick up a video game I felt like Bursting into to tears, btu I didnt. And I think the thing that pissed me off that day was that the fucking radio decided it wanted to play all these fucking romantic songs. I think the one that kinda made me a bit happy was some song about beating some btich up for hitting on her man.

So we went back to my house to play the game, we had fun and what not and he left a few hours later.

So after he left. I cried. boy did I cry. I dont think I cried that hard since I was like 12 when I realized I didnt get a Gameboy for Christmas. It was just so fucking heart breaking for me I felt like shit and I really didnt even want to go to school tomorrow because I swore to myself if I see that bitch I'll kill her. Just for stealing him

So about a week afterwards I decided you know what, this is a perfect time to kidna do what I was going to do because He had a girlfriend now and it was going to be so hard on me and He would probably spend more time with her than me and so I kinda like stopped talking to him.

But thats when I kinda went wrong. instead of doing it maturely like I had planned. I fucked it up. I was an asshole to him. Like seriously. I pushed him as far away as I could by being an asshole. And so After Janurary I think I made his life a living hell. I kinda turned his friends against him. Like Peach. Me and her were friends, but not great friends. And she got stuck in the middle of my little "fued", I gues you can call it. She tried to like amend the situation by making us friends again, but everytime she said he wanted tot alk, I told her if he came near me I'd laugh in his face.

Also, In the beginning of the year I had made other friends Who I also grew really close to. I shall name them Bob and Marcos. Bob had the same math as Kyle and I kinda made Bob say shit to him. Along with everyone else in the class.

I also kindaturned Peach against Kyle by telling her somethings that kyle had told me about her that annoyed him.

I also kinda made sure to have a friend constantly mock him.


So basicly between the time he got his first girlfriend and the end of the year, I was a dick. A total dick. it was towards the end of the year where I kinda stopped. But everyone else was used ot it and kept on being pricks to him.

And also at that time I kinda thought ot myself. WTF have I done? I regreted it and I felt horrible. I thought that by edning the friendship I wouldnt have feeling for him and crap, but I still did. It didnt make things better, it made it worse for me after I stopped being an asshole to him. I missed him and I really had no one to talk to.

But to enlight you guys on how I have buried myself in a deep hole, Peach and I became really great friends. I think she hated having to chose between me and Kyle but I think she finally coped with it and hung out with both of us at diffrent times.

once I made a comment to her that I kinda wish I was still friends with Kyle. And she basicly said to me "If you ever fucking become friends with him again I swear I'll never fucking talk to you again" But I amde sure she kenw I was joking about it, although inside I wasnt and really wish I still was friends with him.

So About a month or so ago. I did something pretty stupid.

Whil we were on the subject of Kyle, Peach brought up he had pretty much changed. He did drugs now I think and he also kinda now was um, gay. Now only think this from what Peach has told me such as him and his new friends being really gay. Like really gay.

And when she told me that I kinda felt horrible. and my other friend Marcos, did the wonderful job of saying "You were holding him back"

Afer hearing everything that was happening in his life form Peach, I made the very fucking stupid move of saying "I kinda have something to tell you"

"What is it? Whos it About? Kyle? Me?"

I kinda told them it had to do with Kyle and Me and what I had done. Peach was very persistent on finding out wtf i was talking about that night. But after I realized hat I had said, I fucking freaked out and though, huh no, maybe later. Like, after we like decompose or something.

Now, ever sicne then Marcos and Peach keep asking me about it. What I did that involves me and Kyle. Now in order for me to tell them what I did I need to come out to them. I think that the easier part than me telling them what I did and why. Simply because both Marcos and Peach are smart. I'm sure they know and me telling them would only be me pointing out the obvious.

So right now I really don't know wtf to do. Along with having to explain to my 2 new best friends Marcos and Peach what I just wrote up there, I also have another dilemna.

I really do Miss being friends with Kyle. Peach has made mention that sometimes when Kyle does something gay to Gary, and Gary resists, Kyle says "Mario would do it"

It kidna makes me feel like he still cares or soemthing. But I dunno. So I dont know what to do there. Try and be friends again after kinda getting over him and losing my friend Peach who says she will never talk to me ever again if I do become friends with him again. Or should I just forget the whole idea and just move on with my life?

I really do need help. Not to mention i still need help on coming out to family who I really dont want to come out to since They're mexican and I dont they'll be as acepting as I hope they'll be. And I really dont want to be excluded and shunnded from my family such as cousins becaus eI really do love them.

I'm on the verge of wanting to run away and hiding in a ditch

And sorry that its such a long read. I really have told any of this to someone because I know no one who is gay or anything and I really dont think they can help. It really sucks.

And sorry for spelling mistakes. I kidna have been reluctant to post this here since I registered

BTW: I know I sound like a total prick and I probably am. But i think thats just how i ended up after like being hurt by alot of people in life.

 

[HartfordGuy]

Sigh.... yeah. That is alot of drama. But it was like that for alot of us in school.

There is nothing you can do. The rules of attraction are simple. There are none. Even if your buddy Kyle told you he was gay back years earlier, he wouldn't necessarily have been attracted to you. And that would have hurt just as much. Been there, done that!

Tell Peach that you are gay and had a wicked huge crush on Kyle. That'll get it off your chest. It wont fix things, but at lest one person will know why you behaved as you fid.

Once you all graduate things willl change. People move on. They go away to College. Friends separate. Most of us make new friends after school because we never see the old ones ever again. This will be you chance to make a clean break of it.

Go rent the movie "The Rules of Attraction" You will see that this kind of drama is common.

 

[RicanDAB]

You definitely got my head spinning on this one ...

Before you can even start resolving issues with anyone, you have to begin with yourself. You can't go telling people you're gay and that you had feelings for someone until you're confident in accepting yourself and ready to face the consequences of your revelations. Sounds to me like you still have a lot to work out on your own. That's not a bad thing, because we have all been there. It takes time and don't expect it to happen overnight. For now, actively try to remove yourself from all this drama because it's not helping you emotionally.

Now that you're moving on from high school, you're either moving on to college, the workforce or the military. Any path you choose is bound to bring you new experiences and new people into your life. Eventually, high school will seem like a blur. Be open to welcome those new aspects into your life and make them help you enjoy life more. Try not to look back and look forward. We cannot always hang on to everything in our past. Letting go is often the beginning of healing and maturity.

As for coming out to your family, there will be a right time for that too. You'll know when that is and it may not be for years. If they truly love you the fact that you are gay is not going to be a major thorn in their side. They may need time to adjust to the realization but eventually their love for you will shine through. This is the ideal, and you never know if it will happen with your family until you take that chance. As you get older it gets harder to stay closeted, and eventually they often start to get the message on their own. Hopefully during that time you'll have mustered enough courage to accept the truth and the fact that they know the truth also.

Good luck buddy

 

[SilverRRCloud]

Start working out strategies of being a straight shooter as opposed to being a dick and a monumental asshole. (Please, pardon my French!) You know, what's right. And you only need to do it. Like in: stop being manipulative and cool off this whole drama experience a bit.

You have maneuvered yourself into a complex situation and the only way out is to keep the mouth shut and deal with other players strictly on 1:1 basis.

You do not want to go announcing that you are gay to Peach and all the others, who do not really need to know now.

Grow up and invite Kyle over to your place under the condition of secrecy. Spill out your beans and apologize. Show the guts and the maturity.

See what his reaction may be and pick it up from there.

No matter what you do, apply 'need to know basis only' and exclude the others from the business that is not theirs in the first place.

SC

 

[ElMmSM]

Well Kyle is straight but his gay actions with his other firends do raise some questions.

I really am comfortable with who I am now. I know Marcos probably wouldnt care. But I think its Peach who would go insane if I told her simply because She did have a curhs on Kyle a summer or 2 ago.

And I know I'm an asshole. And I really have tried to like not be that way but its really hard. I used ot be made fun of as a kid and so I think it grew from there. After awhile I got sick of it and became a total dick to whoever so much as looked as me funny.

And do you think I should try to be friends with Kyle again? I really want to but both marcos and Peach have said they'll be mad if I did after going through all that.

And wouldnt it be weird if I did? I mean kinda did put him through hell so it would be I dont know weird for me to just out of the blue come up and say Let's talk.

 

[Philia]

I was amused with your wit up until you started to fuck with him. I mean geez, you're mad at him and you ended up treating him like shit and he has no clue why.

If you really value your friendship with Kyle, then the least you can do is tell him the truth. To hell with what Peach and Marcos say. If they're really your "best friends" then what does it matter? If they try to pull that crap about "never speaking to you again" then you're gonna have to explain to them why you went through all that trouble to screw with him cause right now, I'm assuming they're still under the impression that Kyle's the ass you made him out to be.

 

[probeteam1]

Okay, now I have to ask myself... why did you do all this? I honestly don't understand your motivations here. I mean, I've had my share of crushes on unattainable men (several in middle school and high school), but never a Drama of this magnitude.

While I'm quoting you, I'm going to be cutting a lot out to keep things brief and readable. I trust you'll tell me if I'm quoting oyu out of context.

I spent like a weekend by myself and thought about it. What should I do? tell him? But I thought about that but I decided against it because I wasnt ready to come out and we were still in school, and I swear stuff like that spreads like wild fire as you will find out later on. And then I thought of one thing which I saw as the only way to like solve it.

End the friendship. But it was there that thigns got difficult. He had been my best friend since the 7th grade. We had already made plans to move in to a house togheter the threee of us, Peach, Kyle and myself. We were really cool at that point and I really didnt know if ending the friendship was the right way to go. That was mid November and from then on up until maybe the end of december I thought about it. I thought about it long and hard. I think so far in my life it was the hardest thing for me to do.

Beginning of January of this year i decided it had to be done. I really had no choice. I wasnt ready to come out to him although I did make mention of it once but I really doubt he was listening when I did it. And I also knew that he was striahgt and that it would never happen and i was basically living in some fantasy when I thought about me and him toghether and what not.

So I decided that I would have to end it when the opportunity arised. I don't think I ever really formulated aplan such as talking to him about it and ending it right there and then as like a conversation. I just had decided to end it but I had to do it maturely and not be an asshole about it later one because thats a big problem I have. I'm a huge asshole.

You go on and on about having to end your friendship with this guy, but I'm not sure why you had to. I mean, can't you be his friend and have a crush on him? All the times I've heard this presented as a solution to the "straight friend crush," I've only rarely understood the reasons behind it.

So about a week afterwards I decided you know what, this is a perfect time to kidna do what I was going to do because He had a girlfriend now and it was going to be so hard on me and He would probably spend more time with her than me and so I kinda like stopped talking to him.

See? Even this is less "why" and more "why now".

But thats when I kinda went wrong. instead of doing it maturely like I had planned. I fucked it up. I was an asshole to him. Like seriously. I pushed him as far away as I could by being an asshole. And so After Janurary I think I made his life a living hell. I kinda turned his friends against him. Like Peach. Me and her were friends, but not great friends. And she got stuck in the middle of my little "fued", I gues you can call it. She tried to like amend the situation by making us friends again, but everytime she said he wanted tot alk, I told her if he came near me I'd laugh in his face.

So, to start you cut him off entirely for no real reason, while acting as if he's killed your dog? Were you angry at him, or were you just trying to keep him away?

Also, In the beginning of the year I had made other friends Who I also grew really close to. I shall name them Bob and Marcos. Bob had the same math as Kyle and I kinda made Bob say shit to him. Along with everyone else in the class.

How did you "kinda" make people say shit to Kyle? Did you pressure Bob into doing it or just give him the ammunition?

I also kindaturned Peach against Kyle by telling her somethings that kyle had told me about her that annoyed him.

...aaand we have added "betrayed confidences" to the list of tools in your arsenal. I thought the point was to get him away from you - why did you continue exspending time and energy in his direction? Did you want to hurt him?

I also kinda made sure to have a friend constantly mock him.

Again, how did you do this?

So basicly between the time he got his first girlfriend and the end of the year, I was a dick. A total dick. it was towards the end of the year where I kinda stopped. But everyone else was used ot it and kept on being pricks to him.

Well, if they kept on without your encouragement maybe they would have anyway? I've seen lots of people turn on a guy once he started dating, without the need for a ringleader of any sort.

And also at that time I kinda thought ot myself. WTF have I done? I regreted it and I felt horrible. I thought that by edning the friendship I wouldnt have feeling for him and crap, but I still did.

Why would ending the friendship make your feelings go away? More to the point, how did any of this help you get over your crush? Did you still have feelings for him while you were busy hating him? If not, then maybe you should go back to that?

It didnt make things better, it made it worse for me after I stopped being an asshole to him. I missed him and I really had no one to talk to.

So why not try to mend fences, and maybe get something of that old friendship back? Better to have a friend but not a lover than to have neither, right?

But to enlight you guys on how I have buried myself in a deep hole, Peach and I became really great friends. I think she hated having to chose between me and Kyle but I think she finally coped with it and hung out with both of us at diffrent times.

Well, that's good at least. On the topic, why does Peach think your friendship ended?

once I made a comment to her that I kinda wish I was still friends with Kyle. And she basicly said to me "If you ever fucking become friends with him again I swear I'll never fucking talk to you again" But I amde sure she kenw I was joking about it, although inside I wasnt and really wish I still was friends with him.

Wait ... she's your friend and Kyle's friend, but doesn't want the two of you to be friends again? Or has she fallen out with him now? Or is it just that she does't want to get caught between you again?

So About a month or so ago. I did something pretty stupid.

Whil we were on the subject of Kyle, Peach brought up he had pretty much changed. He did drugs now I think and he also kinda now was um, gay. Now only think this from what Peach has told me such as him and his new friends being really gay. Like really gay.

So maybe your cause wasn't as lost as you'd thought. Congratulations! Now all you have to do is make good with him again.

And when she told me that I kinda felt horrible. and my other friend Marcos, did the wonderful job of saying "You were holding him back"

Why did you feel horrible? Other than the "holding hiom back" line, which I'm going to just ignore at the moment.

Afer hearing everything that was happening in his life form Peach, I made the very fucking stupid move of saying "I kinda have something to tell you"

Maybe it wasn't that stupid. If you tell the truth Peach might change her opinion about trying to renew your friendship with him. It might simplify a l ot of things.

I kinda told them it had to do with Kyle and Me and what I had done. Peach was very persistent on finding out wtf i was talking about that night. But after I realized hat I had said, I fucking freaked out and though, huh no, maybe later. Like, after we like decompose or something.

Why not tell? Really, what do you have to lose?

Now, ever sicne then Marcos and Peach keep asking me about it. What I did that involves me and Kyle.

Okay, now I think you have to tell them, because if you don't they might start making shit up. They'll take the clues they have and they'll try to infer the rest, and who knows what they'll come up with?

Now in order for me to tell them what I did I need to come out to them. I think that the easier part than me telling them what I did and why. Simply because both Marcos and Peach are smart. I'm sure they know and me telling them would only be me pointing out the obvious.

Well, so long s you trust them to keep your confidence, why not? If they already know, you don't stand to lose much.

So right now I really don't know wtf to do. Along with having to explain to my 2 new best friends Marcos and Peach what I just wrote up there, I also have another dilemna.

Personally, I think they're part of one bigger dilemma.

I really do Miss being friends with Kyle. Peach has made mention that sometimes when Kyle does something gay to Gary, and Gary resists, Kyle says "Mario would do it"

Okay, that elevates this whole situation to a whole new level of weird. If he's pressuring his new friend into sex acts due to some bizarre sense of competition with you, do you really still want to hang around this guy? As you've said, he changed. Even if you start hanging aound with him again, do you really think it will be just like old times? That he'll just be the same old Kyle only a little more eager to experiment with man-on-man affection?[/quote]It kidna makes me feel like he still cares or soemthing. But I dunno. So I dont know what to do there. Try and be friends again after kinda getting over him and losing my friend Peach who says she will never talk to me ever again if I do become friends with him again. Or should I just forget the whole idea and just move on with my life?[/quote] I don't think there's a "right thing" to do here; it sounds like it's already all gone horribly wrong and you need to find your way out of it with as little further damage as possible. You can't go back to the time when the two of you were good friends and none of the Drama or mindgames occurred.
So you have to ask yourself if there's anything of your friendship with this guy that you can salvage.
If so, is it worth how it will affect your relationship with Peach? Would Peach really stop talking to you completely?
If you start hanging out with him again and still don't get any, will it end any better than it did last time?
Do you really still miss him, or just wish you'd succeeded in getting into his pants?
Do you know anything tangible about how he feels toward you?

I really do need help. Not to mention i still need help on coming out to family who I really dont want to come out to since They're mexican and I dont they'll be as acepting as I hope they'll be. And I really dont want to be excluded and shunnded from my family such as cousins becaus eI really do love them.

I can't help you there. I can't advise you on how to come out to your family, especially as you haven't told us very much about your family situation up to this point.

BTW: I know I sound like a total prick and I probably am. But i think thats just how i ended up after like being hurt by alot of people in life.

Who's hurt you in your life? Also, no matter who has, does that really excuse anything?

When all is said and done, I think you probably at least owe Kyle an apology. I can't say if you should try and rebuild your friendship with him or any of that, but I think you should at least come clean, tell your side and put forth at least a token effort to make up for ditching him for no reason, and then apparently devoting yourself to a campaign of dumping shit on him that managed to keep running even after you stopped fueling the fires. However great or small your participation in all that was, you should probably at least take responsibility or your part in it, and if he hasn't figured out why you did it you might want to clue him in.

But this isn't entirely advice for making your life easier. If you want it to be easy then you should never speak to him again and accept that your feelings for him will always be just fantasies. But I am enough of a judgmental prick to think that I know a little about doing what's right. And that being the case, you should at least go ou of your way to be decent to him. Do you and your friends talk shit about him? If so, stop it. Try saying something nice to or about him once in a while. Try to figure out what it is Peach has against the idea of a renewed friendship between you and Kyle. Make an effort to like Gary. Cut everyone some slack now and again.

But I still have to ask... why did you do all this? Not only is it kinda dickish (which is okay in the proper time and place), it' s a Hell of a lot of work. It takes passion to ride someone in the way you described. Did you just try to push him away and end up pushing too hard? Or did you just find that once you started, you couldn't stop?
I won't dispute that you've been hurt, and I won't dispute that you are as you are because people made fun of you when you were little. But there are several steps between that and the specific choices you made here. So, why?

 

[ElMmSM]

Wow, that was a very big post. So let me address as best i can. I'll answer it as I read down.

-In my mind, I felt that I could not be friends with and still have this like attraction to him. It was obvious it wasn't going to happen ever. Also, what was I going to do if he started dating? He was with someone else and here I am wanting him? It wouldn't have been good for me to be his friend and have a crush. It would just hurt too much.

- I was really trying to just keep him away

- Ok, Bob is also an asshole. But not to my extent. He had a class with Kyle among with a few others I knew. I would walk with Bob to his math class and on the way there I would see Kyle. Bob would make a comment like "Aww did you 2 break up?" Or other crap to him. And thats how it started with small not to be taken seriously comments that I began to fuel.

-And thats where I fucked up, Like I just wanted to like ignore him but I escalated it into something more. Everything I did that hurt him, I thought was funny. I really didn't mean to hurt and I guess now when I think about it it comes across that way.

-We had plenty of Mutual friends and I would kinda say things about Kyle that would make them laugh, not personal things, but kind of jabs here and there, childish taunting is more like it and they kind kept doing it when I was not around.

- They're continuing mockery of him after I had stopped was the result of a completely different dramatic affair that happened.

- I really thought by not being friends with him anymore I would not like him anymore. Sounds crazy yet but I thought it would help, not having to see him. I don't think it really did help me get completely over him, it kinda just minimized the crush and I still do miss him but in the more friendship way then crush.

- I'm thinking about it but I don't know if its a good idea. I mean, If I did everything I did to Kyle to you, and I came to you months later and said, Oh hey, I liked you and I did these things to kinda push you away and forget you but fucked it up by being a dick. So you wanna be friends again? I'm sure you would say fuck you, but not before punching me in the face.

-Peach thinks we just were like meeting new friends. That and I hated one of his friends. I had invited everyone over the friday of the week I had found out about Kyle's girlfriend, and His friend, Alex, who I just despised tagged along. I really hated him. He came with Peach and I had told her when we were alone, Why the fuck did you bring him? She said she ran into him at the store and he just followed her to her car and to my house. That day Kyle and Alex were like by them selves in the living room while the rest of us were PLaying video-games in my room. He came in once, but he kinda freaked out on me when i reset the game. BTW, when I play video-games with friends we always like rest when were losing and just laugh it off. But uh, Kyle kinda freaked out when I did it. And I think Peach thought thats what started it.

-Yes, Peach is Our mutual friend. And i think she doesn't want us to be friends again because to much fucking drama came from it that affected her. Like once Me and Kyle stopped hanging out, And I went to hangout with other people, Peach would come with my group to wherever we went and she would get shit from kyle about it. And I do think she wouldn't want to get caught between us again because When me and Kyle were still friends, Me and her weren't that great of friends. we talked but we never like knew anything about each other until after Me and kyle stopped being friends.

- Now I'll just combine your comments on what i did not being a lost cause and the holding back line. It probably wasn't a lost cause, but I felt horrible because I thought after everything that had happened to him at the end of they year and what i did, I kinda drove him to like do drugs. Like weed only not the heavy crap. And I don't know if you meant like congratulations to him maybe being gay or not, but I don't know if he's gay or not, I just assume he is because Peach did say something once about blow job and one of his other friends, but I don't know if she was joking and I never really asked about it. And when I thought about what Peach had said that night I also felt horrible that if he was fucking gay maybe I should have just told him how I felt and crap. And the Holding him back line, Marcos is always like that, he tends to tell me things that kinda make me want to take bat to his face, but in a friend way if that makes sense. He meant that Kyle had always wanted to do drugs and I was just holding him back when we were friends.

- I'm very pessimistic and I think that by telling Peach she'll like hate me for putting everyone through that shit. But when I do tell her and Marcos I hope they understand and everything. Although That night she drove me home and I kinda told a very simple outline I had thought about not being friends with Kyle anymore since like NOvember and every excuse I had given about our friendship ending was a lie.

- Why not tell? I thought that the night I had made a comment about what I had done. Since then I've had time to think and I do intend of telling them but I really am scared to but I know I should.

- I know i do have to tell them. And im like 99% percent sure they know Im bi or at-least gay. Because I have hinted at it lately to try and make me telling them easier on my part. But when I do tell them I do intend on asking them why they thought i had stopped being friends with Kyle.

- I trust both of them a lot. Peach because she does sometimes say means things about Kyle, and when Kyle would make comments about me and my friends, She would defend us more. And Marcos because we did something that got someone else in trouble and We kinda got to trust each other a lot during that time. Also we both come from Mexican families so we basically have the same trust issues. But thats another story altogether also.

- No those sex acts are like jokes to them. Not full on " let me put your dick in my mouth" acts, put more of like acting like doing it. Really, everyone in our school acted gay. Like let me give you a massage dude, or Moaning while doing it. Just really gay acts. And I don't think he does them as a weird sense of competition, he just said that I would do it, in a joking way. And yea I do realize that even if we do become friends again It wont be the same.

- I know that I cant like everything that happened go away. And right now I think we have like stopped the whole hate except Bob, who I still am good friends with, Really hates one of Kyle's friends and can't stand to see him. Occasionally we bump into Kyle and a friend of his here and there and It just pisses me off. Not so much to see him, but I really hate his friends.

And you brought up something I never once thought about. do I miss him or do I just wish I had been in his pants. Now I like need to think about that because i seriously have not thought about that at all.

And I have nothing to my knowledge how he feels, except one comment Peach told he had made that he does miss being friends with me.

- My family is Mexican and I don't really know how they feel about Homosexuality except My Aunt did date a guy who everyone told her was gay but never believed until she caught him with another man. I don't know how they feel about it and I never really have asked and I have no intentions of doing so because my mother is really smart. She has like this 6th sense about things. Which I'm hoping has already pinpointed that I'm bi.

- I've been hurt by family. My father has been in prison, a drunk. Uncles are drunks. So Much drama in my family. Constantly beatings that I really never saw justification for, but they were never extreme beatings. Also As I said I was made fun of as a kid. I felt really alone and people always did something to hurt me such as kicking me or punching me. Also I never really kept friends were very long as a kid. I lived on a Block with only 2 houses and no one else around. So I never really had people to talk to or play with. Also my mother is very outspoken. I wont say she's a bitch although she can be at times, and I really don't want anyone to think that about her cause i love her, but she can be mean to people, and I think since I was raised by her while my dad was in Prison at times I would just begin to pick up on what she did along with My aunts since my mother came from a family composed of Women with few men here and there. And they were all very tough women. They never showed their emotions to others except like their sisters and they all would just beat the crap out of anyone who did anything bad to anyone in our family. So I became very isolated, I would do mean things to family members since I was never really close to my cousins at an early age. After I went to middle school,I wanted to start standing up for myself.

I have taken responsibility for what I did. TO him anyways and I do feel bad for it. I ended up trying to push him away, like you said, and ended up pushing to hard and fucking it up along the way.

Hopefully I did explain why I did clearly enough. But I really am weird in the things I do.

I should also probably add, I do have the tendency to push people away. Family and people who have tried to be friends with me but I end up disliking in some way. And by saying that I probably seem like an even bigger Dick.

 

[texan_slant]

Holy smokes! That is huge drama that I thankfully have never had in my lifetime.

In order to mend things...

You have to tell the truth - now how much of the truth you want to tell Kyle is up to you (i.e. coming out or not, your feelings for him, etc.).

If you still want to be friends with Kyle, you have to own up to your actions and show that you have integrity, and aplogize for being a prick (which you own up to here in this thread). Then - the ball is in his court as to whether or not he wants to remain friends, however, at least you would've known that you did what you could to mend your friendship - with no regrets.

If you wanted to tell Kyle that you had feelings for him - well, I'm not sure that it would add value at this point unless he professes the same thing for you. I think you gotta suck it up.

...and as for Peach, true friends don't tell their friends who/who-not to hang out with.

Those are my "two cents"...