I feel miserable...

[Artisticboy89]

I'm 19 gay and a junior in college. I have not once been in a relationship and I'm still a virgin. All my friends have moved away leaving me pretty much alone. I just had to move back in with my parents making it impossible to do anything without coming out to them (trust me I'm going to do it but my mom just has surgery and it would just be bad timing). I don't make friends easy, and I seem to fly under the gaydar so no one even has a idea that I'm gay unless they are really looking for it.

I know I'm attractive but no one ever seems to hit on me which makes me feel horrible about my personality... there were a few guys I met online that i scared off because I had a bad day and had a paranoid moment where I thought they were ignoring me.

I am the youngest of 3 brothers. My oldest brother is gay (a bottom, who has a preference for African Americans... that did not make my mom happy... shes a bit of a racist) he is out to everyone and is obviously gay... my middle brother is so physical with all his male friends and cant ever seem to date a girl for more then a week, and there are rumors that he stopped being friends with his best friend because his friend found out he was gay (we aren't actually sure if that is true, or if he is even gay, but my parents think he is). This leaves me the last hope of grandchildren for my parents, who blame the hormonal treatments as the reason their children are gay.

The only people who know I'm gay are my oldest brother (who had no idea despite the fact he is also gay and has known me my entire life) a few online friends and 1 gay couple... or and a guy who really wanted to have sex with me and I had to tell him, "yes I'm gay and no I don't like you"

Just to finish this rant, I'm very shy in groups, and very selfconcious about friendships (like I can never tell if someone is actually friends with me or not). I'm a loner, not by choice, and a gamer... I'm fairly mature for my age but I have a childish/sadistic/satirical/cynical sense of humor. I have IBS(Irritable Bowel Syndrome), which more then likely means that no one can have rough anal sex, and I also have a tight foreskin... which means I cant have rough anal sex with anyone... (though the idea of slow passionate sex sounds good in my head I get the feeling that its a turnoff for people that they cant get lost in the moment with me...)

Oh and I've never kissed anyone ever, I'm not even sure I know how to... and I'm not much of a hugger either...

Thanks for reading I kind of just had to vent suddenly, btw any comments or suggestions are wholly welcome... I could really use the attention right about now...

(Just a side note; but I've never actually been able to write my situation clearly before, I'm actually kind of glad I could legibly get it all out!)

 

[nfgsd87]

You can still be gay and give your parents grandchildren. im 21 and im still a virgin and im also not that experienced with kissing either. Im kind of like you actually, i don't have too many friends and i dont really know if people consider me their friend either lol. But just be hopeful that you will eventually meet someone nice.

 

[G-Lexington]

A bunch to say here.

As others have pointed out, you don't owe your parents grandchildren. If you want to play the "my parents deserve grandchildren" game, why not come out of the closet now, and lay the burden at the feet of your middle brother? Why should this be your "responsibility", where the others don't have to deal with it?

You've clearly identified the obstacles in your way when it comes to getting into a relationship. Your next goal should be getting beyond those obstacles. Because shy guys get laid, guys with IBS have great sex lives, and smartasses get boyfriends. No, it probably won't be easy. But how bad do you want it?

Lex

 

[Artisticboy89]

I can feel your pain about the shyness.


But you've gotta stop thinking about "being the last hope to give your parents grandchildren" I don't mean to be an ass about this but you are not responsible for your parent's happiness, yours and yours alone is all.

That was my idea of a joke... All i meant by it is I am their last hope for a 'normal' child

 

[yourally]

I would find an excuse to talk to someone.

You sound a lot like me and if it's so hard for you to make friends, try something like asking the hot guy who sits next to you in class when the test was.

Or if he knows how to do a problem.

Or go to a meeting of a club that focuses on something you're interested in.

If I were you, I'd focus more on making friends, than finding someone gay.

You sound like you need a living, breathing, caring, there for you friend. Try not to be clingy(asking if you can come over and creepy stuff), but make yourself available.

You really expect me to believe there are no hot guys who don't seem like jerks in any of your classes?

Bump into someone if you have to.
Try something like this:
"Are you ready for the exam?
"Do you know what the exam is going to cover?"
"Do you when the professor's office hours are?"
"Do you get this (topic you don't get)?"

or simply, "Can I borrow a pencil or pen?" and work introducing yourself into it.

Chances are the people in your classes by junior year have the same major, so if they're in more than one class, you have a reason to talk to them.

"Wasn't (class you had together boring)?" or "Did you get the hand out?"

Find ANY excuse to talk to people, because I've noticed unless people know someone from a clique or high school, they take notes and leave class and most people have an exclusive small group of friends who after class they're going to hang with in their dorms.

And judging by what time of year it is, time is running out. But that could work to your advantage.

"Are you doing any internships this summer?"
"do you know of any internship opportunities"
"Do you anyplace around here that is hiring for a summer jon?"
"Do you know of any good concerts coming to campus or town this summer?"
"Do you know about any jobs on campus this summer?"

Heck, go to the cafeteria and buy a bag of chips. When you're in line, ask someone where a certain food is and how much it costs.

Or even better, go into the cafeteria and look for the loners. The guy who sits by himself. I wouldn't just go up to anyone alone and ask to sit there. But someone who looks like they're lonely.

And you say you're a gamer. Look for someone who's playing games on their laptop and ask what the game is. Ask if you can sit down.

Just randomly say "Hi" to guys you think are hot.

SOMEONE will respond back and you can work from there. And don't worry about being shy. Be yourself. Most people will read into that and be more accommodating.

And DON'T GIVE UP! Just because someone cuts off a conversation or gives you a weird look, don't feel down. Just realize not everyone is going to tune into the awesomeness that is you. They're kinda like stuffy, racist, conservative freaks: they don't know what they're missing out on if they'd just drop their inhibitions.

I really hope this helps

And as for coming out. I'd hold off.

If you don't get the reaction you want(which it sounds like), you're going to need someone to fall back on and you need friends for that.

So try some of the stuff above okay?

Good luck and make sure you update.

 

[Artisticboy89]

allyigator thanks for the reply but I'm not sure how useful these scenarios are, I've basically done all that and its the step afterword that gets awkward. Especially with art classes where everyone is pretty much separated and unable to move/talk and then when class is over, everyone bolts

 

[yourally]

haha, it sounds like you're trying to find excuses. Just kidding. I know what you mean.

But the fact that they're art students(sigh, I guess I'm reading into a stereotype) might mean they won't be as open and more isolated/independent.

SO, go after somebody and compliment them on what they were working on. People love to be flattered and talk about themselves. Ask what inspired them, and if they have a huffy, "I gotta go to class" thingy, just go to class earlier the next it meets and catch them then.

 

[Eagle653]

Hi artisticboy89--I'm glad you've been able to write this down, especially if it's the first time you've been able to do so.

Allyigator gives some good, practical first-step suggestions in breaking the ice with acquaintances and starting a conversation. There are others, of course, but you get the idea. Start with baby steps and work your way up as you get experience and confidence.

I know I'm attractive but no one ever seems to hit on me which makes me feel horrible about my personality... there were a few guys I met online that i scared off because I had a bad day and had a paranoid moment where I thought they were ignoring me.

One reason guys haven't hit on you is that they may assume you're straight (in another part of your post you mention that you're not obvious), or may assume--even if they have doubts about you--that you're not interested. Your shyness may be confused, in their minds, with aloofness. It was that way with me until it was pointed out to me in a pretty convincing way.

Anyway, short of wearing a button that proclaims "I'm gay" just be friendly, engaging, and sociable. People tend to be attracted to people who are friendly, engaging, and interested in the world around them.

As an aside--what's this about that paranoid moment? You scared some guys off because you thought they were ignoring you? Not that it's any of our business (it isn't), but did you go ballistic on them? Is that an issue that's also lurking there somewhere that's problematic?

 

[Artisticboy89]

I actually managed to work it out, but I had made plans to hang out with him and we hadn't set up a time beforehand, I tried calling/texting but didn't get a response so i figured he was ignoring me so i left a angry message... Turns out he was at a party and didn't get any of the messages until the big angry one.... or that's at least how i understand it went down... I'm assuming a few events on his end.

 

[rareboy]

OK. First things first.

See your doc about the Phimosis and get that tended to.

Spend more time on your diet and identify and remove the triggers for IBS, although I suspect that nerves are partly responsible.

Talk to your bro and explain that you're having trouble connecting with any guys; get him to introduce you to his circle of friends or take you out to a few places and get you more comfortable with socializing.

Decide whether you want sex or just excuses why you shouldn't have it. If phimosis and IBS, or any other problems that would prevent you from having world shattering sex are hanging heavy on your mind, try to get them all worked out. I think that you are building barriers for yourself.

At 19, you don't need to be in a 'relationship'. Get more comfortable in your own skin first.

Don't worry about your mother's reaction. If she's more worried about your bro fucking black dudes than his being gay, she's resilient enough.

Don't worry about your middle bro. He's also either gay or not yet ready to settle down.

Don't worry about all hopes being pinned on you for grandchildren. You don't owe the world any progeny. Either one of the three of you breed, or you don't. It isn't an obligation you have to your family or to the planet.