I feel very friendless and lonely lately

[Ally1980]

Dear JUB-ers,

I am writing this post as I need to get some things off my chest, but might also draw insights from people who have experienced/are experiencing the same.

I am a 27 year old young professional, who is gay and part of a South Asian family. Living on my own since half a year. Gay but not out due to not being accepted by my dad.

I have had to deal with with a number of situations since a young age. Lost my mother on the age of 9, was kind of abondoned by my brother in the time I really needed him, my dad being there for me uncinditinally and taking the utmost care of me but his approval and support does not come unconditionally. Both things created unfulfilled needs and me looking to fill these elsewhere with other people.

As a consequence I tuned myself on the survival modus since I was 9 years old. This expressed itself in utmost focus on studies and career in order to grow out of these situations and make something of my life. The flip side was I didnt work on my social life (i.e. making friends, mates etc). Each new stage in life, be it high school or colleage I sought out new people to mingle with and as soon as high school or college ended that contact also withered away. Apart from that I know since I was 14 or 15 that I was gay. A secret I walked around with till I was 25 before telling it to my sister, brother in law and best friend. They support me.

Finally around the age of 25 when I had reeled in my first promotion at work I finally felt at peace and really felt for the first time that the era of survival is over, lets enjoy life! Work and careerwise I am really blessed and I am thankful for that.

But when I look now I see that I am pretty much alone on a friend level. I have one best friend (who lives on a 2hr drive) and one sister who is my BFF and all time support. But I cant lean on both of them all the time i think at least. I have like 3 friends from college but we are not that close and meet up like every half year. This has the result that even in my home town where I lived all my life I have no friends to hang out with.

When I look back at the last 18 years with the knowledge I have now, I see that:
- I never worked on discovering my own feelings, intersts and hobbies that enable me to connect with others.
- I have been negligant at making friends and keeping the contact during my teens and college years. Never took part in activities that shape friendships in teen years such as partying, drinking and clubbing.
- I have (had) a very 'screw you, I dont need you' attitude when my efforts are/were not reciprocated. Be it a defense mechanism to prevent from getting hurt, but it hasnt helped me in making friends.
- Making friends at my age is much much harder as majority of my peers have had their phase where they make Friends and make bonds for the rest of their life. My sister once said that she read somewhere: "you define the basic foundations (incl. friends) till the age of 25 on which you live the rest of your life".
I do see this in practice, I do know and talk and mingle with certain people, but they are not friends. The know the 'me' in the context of work, hobbies and interests, which is like 50% of me. And I know this is not going to grow.
- The fact that I was gay and in the closet could not help me to fully open up to people.

The result of the things mentioned above is that majority of the weekends I am alone. In some cases, this is no issue. With 50+ hour workweeks some free weekends are nice, but I do see that I am basically a loner. All different things that people normally do in groups (outings, movies, concerts, shows etc) I do alone. Also due to this things I like such as clubbing, partying etc are not accessible to me when you are alone. I also travel in the so called group trips for vacations as I dont have anyone to backpack or to city trips with. For now I see my colleagues as my somewhat friends but I know that is not going to sustain if I for instance change jobs.
I almost made a real friend at work, he was a bit older than me but over the course of years we opened up to each other. But recently he abruptly broke this off by moving away without even telling me. So again i kinda felt deceived.


Ok so I thought of looking up friends in the gay circle, as that may be a more logical step. So i went on the usual apps, and found some guys I could connect with but mostly it resulted in some casual chatting and sometimes the guys becoming evasive when I asked to meet up for a drink. If there is a plan, it sometimes falls through last minute and me bouncing back in my screw you attitude, completely lashing out.

Or majority of the time its just plain sex ending with a 'I dont feel the click to continue this'-tag, with me not being out one of the reasons. I even got dumped once for being smart and a quick thinker. So no luck here either.

What further intensifies the feeling of being a loner is that all my three friends from college have bfs/gfs and I am literally the only one single. And sometimes it again hits me that I am alone when during clubbing or parties etc they are all over each other. I feel like the fifth wheel.

The things I mention might direct in the need for a partner or relationship, but I dont feel that way. I am looking for a few guy friends with whom I can fully be myself, hang out and are on reachable distance and available.
I just have no idea how to deal with this situation but it hurts.

Is there any of you that experienced the same or similar situation? Thanks!

 

[KaraBulut]

One of the problems with the analysis approach to psychotherapy is that a lot of the effort is spent on explaining the past, at the detriment of changing the present or the future.

When I look back at the last 18 years with the knowledge I have now, I see that:

While it might be helpful to blame some of your past on your sexuality and your lack of openness about it, your sexuality is not something that will change. On the other hand, the question of whether you or an openly gay man is something that you can change today and it is something that will change your future.

Bottom line: if you are unhappy with your life, change it. The question really is "How do you go about that?". The answer is that you take risks with the acceptance that there's no single answer and no guarantees that every choice you make will be a perfect choice. No one learns to ride a bicycle without falling down a few times and skinning a few knees.

You might want to work with a therapist to figure out how to make those changes, but I want to caution you to not get caught up in past mistakes- you can't undo your past. If you get into therapy, you should always remember that you can only change the present and the future, so your efforts are better focused there.

 

[Harke the Boeotarch]

Where do you live, Ally1980?

Are you near a place that has a lot of LGBT activity?

 

[checkinthingsout]

Dear JUB-ers,

I am writing this post as I need to get some things off my chest, but might also draw insights from people who have experienced/are experiencing the same.

I am a 27 year old young professional, who is gay and part of a South Asian family. Living on my own since half a year. Gay but not out due to not being accepted by my dad.

I have had to deal with with a number of situations since a young age. Lost my mother on the age of 9, was kind of abondoned by my brother in the time I really needed him, my dad being there for me uncinditinally and taking the utmost care of me but his approval and support does not come unconditionally. Both things created unfulfilled needs and me looking to fill these elsewhere with other people.

As a consequence I tuned myself on the survival modus since I was 9 years old. This expressed itself in utmost focus on studies and career in order to grow out of these situations and make something of my life. The flip side was I didnt work on my social life (i.e. making friends, mates etc). Each new stage in life, be it high school or colleage I sought out new people to mingle with and as soon as high school or college ended that contact also withered away. Apart from that I know since I was 14 or 15 that I was gay. A secret I walked around with till I was 25 before telling it to my sister, brother in law and best friend. They support me.

Finally around the age of 25 when I had reeled in my first promotion at work I finally felt at peace and really felt for the first time that the era of survival is over, lets enjoy life! Work and careerwise I am really blessed and I am thankful for that.

But when I look now I see that I am pretty much alone on a friend level. I have one best friend (who lives on a 2hr drive) and one sister who is my BFF and all time support. But I cant lean on both of them all the time i think at least. I have like 3 friends from college but we are not that close and meet up like every half year. This has the result that even in my home town where I lived all my life I have no friends to hang out with.

When I look back at the last 18 years with the knowledge I have now, I see that:
- I never worked on discovering my own feelings, intersts and hobbies that enable me to connect with others.
- I have been negligant at making friends and keeping the contact during my teens and college years. Never took part in activities that shape friendships in teen years such as partying, drinking and clubbing.
- I have (had) a very 'screw you, I dont need you' attitude when my efforts are/were not reciprocated. Be it a defense mechanism to prevent from getting hurt, but it hasnt helped me in making friends.
- Making friends at my age is much much harder as majority of my peers have had their phase where they make Friends and make bonds for the rest of their life. My sister once said that she read somewhere: "you define the basic foundations (incl. friends) till the age of 25 on which you live the rest of your life".
I do see this in practice, I do know and talk and mingle with certain people, but they are not friends. The know the 'me' in the context of work, hobbies and interests, which is like 50% of me. And I know this is not going to grow.
- The fact that I was gay and in the closet could not help me to fully open up to people.

The result of the things mentioned above is that majority of the weekends I am alone. In some cases, this is no issue. With 50+ hour workweeks some free weekends are nice, but I do see that I am basically a loner. All different things that people normally do in groups (outings, movies, concerts, shows etc) I do alone. Also due to this things I like such as clubbing, partying etc are not accessible to me when you are alone. I also travel in the so called group trips for vacations as I dont have anyone to backpack or to city trips with. For now I see my colleagues as my somewhat friends but I know that is not going to sustain if I for instance change jobs.
I almost made a real friend at work, he was a bit older than me but over the course of years we opened up to each other. But recently he abruptly broke this off by moving away without even telling me. So again i kinda felt deceived.


Ok so I thought of looking up friends in the gay circle, as that may be a more logical step. So i went on the usual apps, and found some guys I could connect with but mostly it resulted in some casual chatting and sometimes the guys becoming evasive when I asked to meet up for a drink. If there is a plan, it sometimes falls through last minute and me bouncing back in my screw you attitude, completely lashing out.

Or majority of the time its just plain sex ending with a 'I dont feel the click to continue this'-tag, with me not being out one of the reasons. I even got dumped once for being smart and a quick thinker. So no luck here either.

What further intensifies the feeling of being a loner is that all my three friends from college have bfs/gfs and I am literally the only one single. And sometimes it again hits me that I am alone when during clubbing or parties etc they are all over each other. I feel like the fifth wheel.

The things I mention might direct in the need for a partner or relationship, but I dont feel that way. I am looking for a few guy friends with whom I can fully be myself, hang out and are on reachable distance and available.
I just have no idea how to deal with this situation but it hurts.

Is there any of you that experienced the same or similar situation? Thanks!

Join a sports team for young professionals. Or better yet, join a sports team for young GAY professionals. I played kickball in one last November. We won 0 games, but that wasn't the point. Everyone is in those leagues to make friends. I don't see why it wouldn't work for you.

You can also try going to Meetups that are likely to have gay people in them (i.e. many things arts related).

Also, how can you work 50+ hours a week and have no work friends?! are you working every minute of that 50+ hours? Is no one else working those hours with you? If you are at work that much, you should be friends with the people there. After a long day, suggest if someone from your team wants to grab a bite or a drink. They may not be gay, but if you get to know them, chances are they know someone in their sphere of people that is gay.

I think you haven't really exhausted your options to make friends.

 

[Ally1980]

One of the problems with the analysis approach to psychotherapy is that a lot of the effort is spent on explaining the past, at the detriment of changing the present or the future.


While it might be helpful to blame some of your past on your sexuality and your lack of openness about it, your sexuality is not something that will change. On the other hand, the question of whether you or an openly gay man is something that you can change today and it is something that will change your future.

Bottom line: if you are unhappy with your life, change it. The question really is "How do you go about that?". The answer is that you take risks with the acceptance that there's no single answer and no guarantees that every choice you make will be a perfect choice. No one learns to ride a bicycle without falling down a few times and skinning a few knees.

You might want to work with a therapist to figure out how to make those changes, but I want to caution you to not get caught up in past mistakes- you can't undo your past. If you get into therapy, you should always remember that you can only change the present and the future, so your efforts are better focused there.

THanks for the words regarding the working on the future. Althouggh I can change the way I live and live as a open gay man, is not an option really. At least not for now.

Where do you live, Ally1980?

Are you near a place that has a lot of LGBT activity?

I live in a city in The Netherlands, so basically a lot of gay activity. But not being out it's unfortunately kinda irrelevant.

Join a sports team for young professionals. Or better yet, join a sports team for young GAY professionals. I played kickball in one last November. We won 0 games, but that wasn't the point. Everyone is in those leagues to make friends. I don't see why it wouldn't work for you.

You can also try going to Meetups that are likely to have gay people in them (i.e. many things arts related).

Also, how can you work 50+ hours a week and have no work friends?! are you working every minute of that 50+ hours? Is no one else working those hours with you? If you are at work that much, you should be friends with the people there. After a long day, suggest if someone from your team wants to grab a bite or a drink. They may not be gay, but if you get to know them, chances are they know someone in their sphere of people that is gay.

I think you haven't really exhausted your options to make friends.

You have a point, maybe not a sports team for gay young professionals (as i am not ready to get out of the closet), but a regular sports team thing would work.

Maybe I didnt point that out that well, but my colleagues are pretty much the friends I have now, but then again the friendship is and stays limited to work as they have their own network of friends outside work. I am tryign to break the pattern with a few but it takes time. I even have a gay guy in my department but try to stay on guard with him though.

I appreciate the ideas a lot from you guys, but any advice on how to deal with it keeping the fact in mind that I am in the closet? Be on the lookout for gay friends, would not be coherent with my personality to the world and raise questions. I hope you guys understand my viewpoint.

 

[checkinthingsout]

You have a point, maybe not a sports team for gay young professionals (as i am not ready to get out of the closet), but a regular sports team thing would work.

Maybe I didnt point that out that well, but my colleagues are pretty much the friends I have now, but then again the friendship is and stays limited to work as they have their own network of friends outside work. I am tryign to break the pattern with a few but it takes time. I even have a gay guy in my department but try to stay on guard with him though.

I appreciate the ideas a lot from you guys, but any advice on how to deal with it keeping the fact in mind that I am in the closet? Be on the lookout for gay friends, would not be coherent with my personality to the world and raise questions. I hope you guys understand my viewpoint.

What is your apprehension to being out in any capacity in your personal life? There are different degrees of being out; it is not binary. If coming out to anyone else is what is keeping you from having friends, it seems like you are choosing the "security" of the closet, over developing real friends and real relationships. You should consider if the closet is still worth what is at stake, especially since you live and work in a liberal society already.

Get in their networks!!! There is no reason that you cannot extend those work friendships to real friendships. They sound like self-imposed limits.

 

[Seasoned]

Getting involved with other gay people means coming out to at least some people. Let go of some of your fear and join political or social gay organizations.

 

[tarallucci]

It's never too late to make friends, learn new things and develop hobbies. Especially today that everything is available on the Internet. I'm a loner as well and kind of have the same careless attitude oftentimes, but if you try to pay attention to people or situation you might find boring it's possible that they will somehow fill moments of your life. An uninterested chat when you go buy your groceries or if you like pets and see someone with a puppy, ask them something. Everything teaches us a lesson. The longer you're not alone the easier is to become social and outgoing.

Keep looking in the gay community. Take part to activities you enjoy. You will slowly find your balance.

Good luck and be positive

 

[KaraBulut]

- The fact that I was gay and in the closet could not help me to fully open up to people.
...I am looking for a few guy friends with whom I can fully be myself, hang out and are on reachable distance and available.

Althouggh I can change the way I live and live as a open gay man, is not an option really. At least not for now.

I appreciate the ideas a lot from you guys, but any advice on how to deal with it keeping the fact in mind that I am in the closet? Be on the lookout for gay friends, would not be coherent with my personality to the world and raise questions. I hope you guys understand my viewpoint.

Putting two of your posts together to contrast what you're wanting and the way that you're falling back into the same patterns that are preventing you from getting what you want.

The norm for most gay men is to live on a "need-to-know" basis. That means different things to different people but in general, it means having a private life in which you can be yourself without evasions, without the lies, not having to change genders in sentences or the other pretenses that come with the closet.

Being "out" doesn't mean that every part of your life is "gay" or that everyone in your life knows your personal business. Being out does not mean that everyone you know needs to know everything about you- including who you sleep with. Since you refer to yourself as "South Asian" that probably means you're from a culture that is pressuring you to be straight, get married and produce children. You may choose to be closeted with your family to avoid the issue but that does not mean that every part of your life has to be stuffed into that closet.

It is almost next to impossible to have a relationship with close friends or with lovers without having that part of your life where you can be yourself and live openly. As long as you cannot find that space to be yourself, you will be less than happy and you will fall back into the same patterns that you are wanting to avoid.

 

[Harke the Boeotarch]

I live in a city in The Netherlands, so basically a lot of gay activity. But not being out it's unfortunately kinda irrelevant.

The best thing I ever did in the Netherlands in terms of LGBT was move to Amsterdam.

Sadly, I don´t live there now.

 

[Ally1980]

What is your apprehension to being out in any capacity in your personal life? There are different degrees of being out; it is not binary. If coming out to anyone else is what is keeping you from having friends, it seems like you are choosing the "security" of the closet, over developing real friends and real relationships. You should consider if the closet is still worth what is at stake, especially since you live and work in a liberal society already.

Get in their networks!!! There is no reason that you cannot extend those work friendships to real friendships. They sound like self-imposed limits.

Well the apprehension in being out in my personal life, lies in the fact at what is at stake. too many people knowing about me and the fact becoming public. Potential gay friends should be able to keep this a secret from the wider world. If the wider world know then there is always a risk that the word will travel and someone tells my dad (even in a normal converation rather than telling on me) and boom the problems start. I want to tell something like this myself to my dad rather than he hears it from a third person. I can tell specific people but I will have to be careful in choosing those. Also even if I have gay friends I cant tell my dad or any other family/acquaintences who doesnt know about me being gay for that matter openly about it as it will always pose questions.

I coudl work on the colleagues part though.

Getting involved with other gay people means coming out to at least some people. Let go of some of your fear and join political or social gay organizations.

Coming out to some people might be something I could so but they will have to be well selected. Joining a gay organization would be too much exposure for me so thats a no go.

It's never too late to make friends, learn new things and develop hobbies. Especially today that everything is available on the Internet. I'm a loner as well and kind of have the same careless attitude oftentimes, but if you try to pay attention to people or situation you might find boring it's possible that they will somehow fill moments of your life. An uninterested chat when you go buy your groceries or if you like pets and see someone with a puppy, ask them something. Everything teaches us a lesson. The longer you're not alone the easier is to become social and outgoing.

Keep looking in the gay community. Take part to activities you enjoy. You will slowly find your balance.

Good luck and be positive

Thanks for the advice! I will try to pay more attention to people in general to become less of a loner.

Putting two of your posts together to contrast what you're wanting and the way that you're falling back into the same patterns that are preventing you from getting what you want.

The norm for most gay men is to live on a "need-to-know" basis. That means different things to different people but in general, it means having a private life in which you can be yourself without evasions, without the lies, not having to change genders in sentences or the other pretenses that come with the closet.

Being "out" doesn't mean that every part of your life is "gay" or that everyone in your life knows your personal business. Being out does not mean that everyone you know needs to know everything about you- including who you sleep with. Since you refer to yourself as "South Asian" that probably means you're from a culture that is pressuring you to be straight, get married and produce children. You may choose to be closeted with your family to avoid the issue but that does not mean that every part of your life has to be stuffed into that closet.

It is almost next to impossible to have a relationship with close friends or with lovers without having that part of your life where you can be yourself and live openly. As long as you cannot find that space to be yourself, you will be less than happy and you will fall back into the same patterns that you are wanting to avoid.

Ok, I get your point. Indeed you index the people in boxes for what they need to know about you per your own reasons. I dont tell everyone who I sleep with, so I get that. But the case with friends is again that there is something at stake. I dont want word to travel. You could say that each keeps to his own in this case, but its harder for me.

To give you an example. Last year I went for a drink with a straight guy from the gym to a normal bar. Somehow my cousin was also at the bar. As the nosey person he is, without even saying hi to me there he called my dad the other day and told him that he saw me in the bar with some guy and that my dad should know. Next on my dad aks me whats up, I refered to the talk I had with my dad about me going for a drink with a guy from the gym. He then remembered. And this has happened to me before too. In this case the damage was non-existent, but in the worst case it could lead to issues. So I hope you understand why I am this cautious. In my situation being out to people to a degree to make friends always carries the risk that my dad and family finds out and contact with them is severed. Then I am seriously left with nothing.

But its not that I am not open to try, the guy I mentioned with whom I clicked who recently moved to another country out of nothing, I trusted him this much that I was about to come out to him the next time we would meet. So I am able to open up to certain people but not right away.

 

[checkinthingsout]

Well the apprehension in being out in my personal life, lies in the fact at what is at stake. too many people knowing about me and the fact becoming public. Potential gay friends should be able to keep this a secret from the wider world. If the wider world know then there is always a risk that the word will travel and someone tells my dad (even in a normal converation rather than telling on me) and boom the problems start. I want to tell something like this myself to my dad rather than he hears it from a third person. I can tell specific people but I will have to be careful in choosing those. Also even if I have gay friends I cant tell my dad or any other family/acquaintences who doesnt know about me being gay for that matter openly about it as it will always pose questions.

I coudl work on the colleagues part though.



Coming out to some people might be something I could so but they will have to be well selected. Joining a gay organization would be too much exposure for me so thats a no go.




Thanks for the advice! I will try to pay more attention to people in general to become less of a loner.



Ok, I get your point. Indeed you index the people in boxes for what they need to know about you per your own reasons. I dont tell everyone who I sleep with, so I get that. But the case with friends is again that there is something at stake. I dont want word to travel. You could say that each keeps to his own in this case, but its harder for me.

To give you an example. Last year I went for a drink with a straight guy from the gym to a normal bar. Somehow my cousin was also at the bar. As the nosey person he is, without even saying hi to me there he called my dad the other day and told him that he saw me in the bar with some guy and that my dad should know. Next on my dad aks me whats up, I refered to the talk I had with my dad about me going for a drink with a guy from the gym. He then remembered. And this has happened to me before too. In this case the damage was non-existent, but in the worst case it could lead to issues. So I hope you understand why I am this cautious. In my situation being out to people to a degree to make friends always carries the risk that my dad and family finds out and contact with them is severed. Then I am seriously left with nothing.

But its not that I am not open to try, the guy I mentioned with whom I clicked who recently moved to another country out of nothing, I trusted him this much that I was about to come out to him the next time we would meet. So I am able to open up to certain people but not right away.

In this instance, it has nothing to do with the friend, and everything to do with nosey family members.
Would your cousin have sen you if you were in a GAY bar? My guess is probably not since he himself is not gay. See my point? Instead of viewing gay spaces as a risk, view them as a haven for you to be yourself.

Also, it seems like you fear losing contact with your family. Do you have a really good relationship with them anyways? What does losing contact with your family mean to you? From the outside, you have a father who you dont live with and cant be yourself around, and a cousin who wont even talk to you in a public place...I think meeting and growing personally is worth the risk of upsetting familial relationships that aren't doing much for you right now.