I freaked out on my boyfriend

[mopehaus]

My boyfriend and I have been together for 3 years and have recently started living together. However, he hasn't had a job for several months and he is constantly at our (very tiny) apartment. Even on the weekends, he is home and rarely goes out with his friends. He is looking for a job and I know the job market is terrible right now, so I'm not holding his unemployment against him. It's just that he is constantly home and I need some space. I teach all day, then come home to do freelance writing work so I'm taxed with stress and don't always have the "relationship part" of my brain ready to be turned on.

Today is my one day off from teaching this week and I had planned to stay at home writing because he told me he would be doing some construction work for a friend. However this morning he told me that he would be home again all day because the construction work was canceled. I freaked out!

I told him he needed to, somehow, get out the house until 6pm so I could have some space to work in. He accused me of not being supportive of his own stress of not having a job. It turned into a heated argument and now I feel guilty.

Has anyone else had a similar problem of living with a boyfriend? If so, how can I resolve this? I love him and want to work things out, but at this point I'm starting to resent him.

 

[altlover85]

My boyfriend and I have been together for 3 years and have recently started living together. However, he hasn't had a job for several months and he is constantly at our (very tiny) apartment. Even on the weekends, he is home and rarely goes out with his friends. He is looking for a job and I know the job market is terrible right now, so I'm not holding his unemployment against him. It's just that he is constantly home and I need some space. I teach all day, then come home to do freelance writing work so I'm taxed with stress and don't always have the "relationship part" of my brain ready to be turned on.

Today is my one day off from teaching this week and I had planned to stay at home writing because he told me he would be doing some construction work for a friend. However this morning he told me that he would be home again all day because the construction work was canceled. I freaked out!

I told him he needed to, somehow, get out the house until 6pm so I could have some space to work in. He accused me of not being supportive of his own stress of not having a job. It turned into a heated argument and now I feel guilty.

Has anyone else had a similar problem of living with a boyfriend? If so, how can I resolve this? I love him and want to work things out, but at this point I'm starting to resent him.

What happened after the argument? Did he leave?

I would tell him something like "This is about me needing some space from you. It's not that I don't want to be around you, but sometimes I need some space to wind down."

If it's not about him not having a job, then tell him that as well.

He probably misses you and wants to spend time together, but I've learned that people need their space. My boyfriend works and then will usually check email and take a nap. I know he loves me and I don't take it personally most of the time. Even if it bothers me, I recognize that those are my feelings and don't have anything to do with him.

Good luck and keep us posted. I hope you guys get through this as painlessly as possible.

 

[PATMAN]

I can kind of relate - but moreso from his end,...

I work a compressed schedule, which means I work extra hours every day, and get days off in lieu. So I have almost every Monday off. So I get a bunch of alone time on my Mondays off (my bf and I have been together 8 years, by the way). The problem is, he doesn't get nearly the same amount of alone time that I do. Now I know that having space is VERY important, and having alone time is important. I know that because I value my own. So anytime he asks for it, I don't hesitate to give him all the space he needs.

Now the difference is that for me it's one day a week - for your boyfriend, it's literally every day. So perhaps he doesn't VALUE the alone time he already gets because it's so much, and he's used to it. So perhaps since he may not value it, he doesn't understand how important it is...

Just my thoughts. Have a talk with him to tell him that space and alone time are important, and that he gets it all the time, and you never do. Keep it a calm discussion and he should understand.

 

[Molitor69]

Relationships are a two way street so I agree with both responders. You both need space and he should recognize that. The delivery is the most important method. If he is hyper-sensitive since he has been out of work for a while, then you need to be conscious of that. Sit down with him and have a one-on-one adult conversation about your concerns without fighting.

Another piece of advice that has worked for my boyfriend and I (6 years April 17) don't fight over the phone or text. Only in person and don't go to bed angry.
I for one will make a mountain out of an ant hill the next day so I do my best to resolve all arguments the day they happen. Even if I am wrong, the next day I'm right. It's not a good thing, but I am aware of it, lol. Space is very important in a relationship. If you don't have a chance to miss each other then you will resent each other. The financial aspect will only make things worse.

Now, is he lazy as well or just bad luck? Has he had a problem keeping jobs throughout your 3 year relationship? If so, then there is another issue here and the resentment is valid.

 

[bankside]

You're being fair to him about the job market. You're also making a reasonable request for some alone time that you need to work, which is important for both of you. But in a moment of losing your cool, you dumped this request on him in a shitty way at the last moment when it was difficult for him to do anything helpful about it.

Apologize to him for that. This is an "I'm so sorry I sprang that on you like that. I had no right to do it. I understand why you'd be upset. If I need some quiet time to work, there was no need for me to be an ass about it."

Assuming he's as good a boyfriend as you are, he will kindly accept your apology, and then maybe you can both put your brains in relationship mode and go out for a nice dinner or something.

If it comes up again, I always believe you can ask your partner for almost anything, as long as it is a sincere and respectful request, and something they can actually do something about. Saying "You know, sometime this week would you mind if I had 5 hours to myself in this place? I've got to get a writing project done..." That's easy to say yes to because it gives someone a chance to do something about it (make other plans in advance) and in a way that is obviously respectful. You're going to have to make the extra effort the next time you have a request like this though, because it will be easy for him to misinterpret.

 

[altlover85]

You're being fair to him about the job market. You're also making a reasonable request for some alone time that you need to work, which is important for both of you. But in a moment of losing your cool, you dumped this request on him in a shitty way at the last moment when it was difficult for him to do anything helpful about it.

Apologize to him for that. This is an "I'm so sorry I sprang that on you like that. I had no right to do it. I understand why you'd be upset. If I need some quiet time to work, there was no need for me to be an ass about it."

Assuming he's as good a boyfriend as you are, he will kindly accept your apology, and then maybe you can both put your brains in relationship mode and go out for a nice dinner or something.

If it comes up again, I always believe you can ask your partner for almost anything, as long as it is a sincere and respectful request, and something they can actually do something about. Saying "You know, sometime this week would you mind if I had 5 hours to myself in this place? I've got to get a writing project done..." That's easy to say yes to because it gives someone a chance to do something about it (make other plans in advance) and in a way that is obviously respectful. You're going to have to make the extra effort the next time you have a request like this though, because it will be easy for him to misinterpret.

Excellent advice!

 

[evanrick]

your not being unreasonable and i think you are being supportive. your feelings are natural and completely understandable. it sounds like a rather small thing to be upset about, but i could see how over time it could be annoying.

but its kinda clear he is going to need help finding something to do with his time, even tho he is unemployed.
he should be doing everything he can to not cause you stress, and that means giving you alone time.

help him find a job, anything, even if its one day a week, leave him at relatives house or something to that effect. give him chores to do etc.

enroll him in school against his will if u have to lol...

 

[palemale]

My boyfriend and I have been together for 3 years and have recently started living together. However, he hasn't had a job for several months and he is constantly at our (very tiny) apartment. Even on the weekends, he is home and rarely goes out with his friends. He is looking for a job and I know the job market is terrible right now, so I'm not holding his unemployment against him. It's just that he is constantly home and I need some space. I teach all day, then come home to do freelance writing work so I'm taxed with stress and don't always have the "relationship part" of my brain ready to be turned on.

Today is my one day off from teaching this week and I had planned to stay at home writing because he told me he would be doing some construction work for a friend. However this morning he told me that he would be home again all day because the construction work was canceled. I freaked out!

I told him he needed to, somehow, get out the house until 6pm so I could have some space to work in. He accused me of not being supportive of his own stress of not having a job. It turned into a heated argument and now I feel guilty.

Has anyone else had a similar problem of living with a boyfriend? If so, how can I resolve this? I love him and want to work things out, but at this point I'm starting to resent him.

I agree with your bf. Unemployment is very hard on a person's morale, saps their confidence and can be depressing. Where exactly do you expect him to go? He probably has little money to engage in any recreational activities and is ashamed to ask you to pay for it. He may not go out with friends as much precisely because he does not have the money to spend for drinks, a meal, or to go bowling. Instead, he sits home while you are working, feeling lonely and isolated, wondering if his job search will lead to more dead ends.

So, unless you had a work deadline and had to absolutely finish that writing project, you were being selfish and insensitive and not a very caring bf.

 

[Seasoned]

The mistake you made was stuffing your feelings and not taking care of this in a calm moment. Another definition for relationship, I have learned, is constant communication. Talk about everything. Be honest, but don't be cruel. My partner of almost 28 tears and I fight all the time. It only gets nasty when we stuff things and have resentments.

Living together takes a lot of adjustment. "Honey, I can get my project done faster if I'm home alone. Can you clear out for three hours? I'll meet you for lunch. You pick the spot." Isn't that a bit more civilized? Also, about half the time, you could clear out since you are the one requiring space. A bookstore or library would be ideal.

As for him, temp agencies and part time work may be in order.

 

[Georgiadude]

I was unemployed for well over a year. It get's very depressing and kills your self confidence. The days get long and are boring as hell. He was probably a little depressed that the construction thing fell through as it would have given him something to do and some money. I understand you need alone time. Nearly everyone does at some point or another. However your blowing up at him was insensitive and kind of mean tbh. If you work as much as you say you do, do you think he may have been excited to spend the day with you? He finally had someone to talk to during the day instead of being home by himself. I think you owe him a huge apology and an explanation for your actions. Telling him not to come home until 6 was ridiculous. It's his home just as much as it is yours. How would you feel if he said something like that to you? You did a very selfish thing and need to let him know your sorry. Talk it out in a calm, rational way. Yelling and fighting only makes it worse. He will understand you need some private time but you need to see that what he's going through is not easy.

Steven.

 

[joeG23]

I agree it's home for both of you - that's part of the price of a relationship. You need to talk and recognise where each of you is coming from. I suspect there is resentment in you that you are carrying the burden of being the breadwinner. That's natural, recognise it and try and contain the feelings. Even in a small flat there must be ways of 'creating space' for you. A no-go zone if you are writing perhaps - bedroom/kitchen. Invest in a pair of noise cancelling headphones and withdraw into your own 'private' space. Or get out to write - it's the most portable exercise you can do. Go to a library to write, the corner of a coffee bar (with a constant supply of hot coffee and hot barristas it's not a bad option). And if the flat is oppressive - both of you get out, to a movie, a meal, a walk. It sounds like in your busy life you need some time for love/relationships too. It's a cliche but true - no-one has ever said on their deathbed 'I wish I'd spent more time in the office'. You might think he's the problem, but I suspect it's maybe more with you. You need to sort out your priorities, decide what is important for you, and do that. Good luck to you both

 

[future_retro]

Sorry, but you can't tell your b/f when to be home and when not to be home - it's his home too, and he has the right to be there whenever he wants. If you need your space so much perhaps you should be living alone.

 

[chance1]

I totally understand .......... both you and your bf

you lashed out at him - you were frustrated - sure you could've handled it better - it happens

your need for space once in a while is reasonable

good advice above - talk about it - why you were frustrated - be supportive - all the good things a bf does - you could be him so imagine you are him and how you would/he does feel

all good

good luck