I have been inside the closet for so long

[Anurhati]

Now I don't know how to come out of it. Its almost terrifying really. Been here so long I honestly don't know how to proceed.

I knew I was gay since quite young. Middle school most likely. My friends would stand around checking out girls, but I just kept checking out the guys playing basketball down at the court.

Of course I had to keep this all a secret. Guys suspected of being gay were ostracized, ridiculed and psychologically abused. I saw to many times and it seeded within me a deep fear of being known as gay and losing my friends. I live in latin america and gays had little support even from teachers and parents. Men and women both make jokes about homosexuality and think of it as a defect.

I was in a very loose relationship with this 23 year old woman/girl when I was 22. I knew i was just using her as a cover and I felt miserable. Despite my indifference to her she always kept pursuing me. I broke it off as gently as I could, but never told her the real reason.

Fast foward to the present and I am 28 years old and I am so used to being in the closet that its just become my way of life. Of course this is killing me, I know it is. I recently went back to college to finish my degree and its hard not to notice all the beautiful men around me. While I worked it was easy not to think about this part of my life, but now, back in school its not.

Still my fear lingers after such a long time. My family hate gays. That adds to my anxiety. I want to move on and explore this part of my repressed life, but every time I try to talk to a guy I falter. It leads to very awkward moment and I just walk away. I also fear the whole he is not gay after all situation. I am still in latin america and even know the whole homophobia lingers even in college, albeit not as marked as it used to be.

Even people who I know are gay, for some reason, I can't tell them that I am. The words stuck in my throat.

I am glad I wrote this, it helps me feel better, but its not enough. I have grown very unhappy lately and I know its because of this. As I get older maybe it gets harder to come out and meet someone I like. I already miss so much and I feel no other guy will take interest in someone who has lived with such a fear for such a long time.

I hope what i wrote makes sense and its not hard to read.
Thanks to any who read this and I welcome any tips to break out of this cocoon I am in.

 

[Charmander]

I started messing around with guys just for sex, I'm looking for intimacy now. Maybe I have it backwards though lol.

 

[hermanding]

You DO need a gay friend in person. If you live in a city, there must be some JUBbers on here who would gladly induct you into their circles. Hang in there, Charmander. When you walk in the sun as you really are, all this will go away.

 

[Seasoned]

Welcome to JUB and this forum. The change has already begun within you just stating your dissatisfaction with how the closet has made you feel. I think that you will continue to benefit by being around younger people and seeing that while things are far from perfect they are better than they were. It's never too late to be your true self.

Your family may have a difficult time with homosexuality but they may not have a difficult time with you. Some people separate the specific from the general.

My advice would be to try to get close to the guys you know to be gay. This is where you will potentially be able to find supportive people, some of whom will identify with your struggle.

Good luck to you.

 

[Rolyo85]

I know how that feels :/ I felt more or less the same way before coming out. All I can say is, you'll change so quickly after you come out, you can't even begin to imagine how much better you'll feel

The way I overcame my horror of coming out was, I did it online, with my best friend on Skype. I am sure you also have those friends who deep down you know will never shun you. Talk to one of them online. Tell them. The more people you tell, the easier it gets.

 

[Telstra]

Now I don't know how to come out of it. Its almost terrifying really. Been here so long I honestly don't know how to proceed.

I knew I was gay since quite young. Middle school most likely. My friends would stand around checking out girls, but I just kept checking out the guys playing basketball down at the court.

Of course I had to keep this all a secret. Guys suspected of being gay were ostracized, ridiculed and psychologically abused. I saw to many times and it seeded within me a deep fear of being known as gay and losing my friends. I live in latin america and gays had little support even from teachers and parents. Men and women both make jokes about homosexuality and think of it as a defect.

I was in a very loose relationship with this 23 year old woman/girl when I was 22. I knew i was just using her as a cover and I felt miserable. Despite my indifference to her she always kept pursuing me. I broke it off as gently as I could, but never told her the real reason.

Fast foward to the present and I am 28 years old and I am so used to being in the closet that its just become my way of life. Of course this is killing me, I know it is. I recently went back to college to finish my degree and its hard not to notice all the beautiful men around me. While I worked it was easy not to think about this part of my life, but now, back in school its not.

Still my fear lingers after such a long time. My family hate gays. That adds to my anxiety. I want to move on and explore this part of my repressed life, but every time I try to talk to a guy I falter. It leads to very awkward moment and I just walk away. I also fear the whole he is not gay after all situation. I am still in latin america and even know the whole homophobia lingers even in college, albeit not as marked as it used to be.

Even people who I know are gay, for some reason, I can't tell them that I am. The words stuck in my throat.

I am glad I wrote this, it helps me feel better, but its not enough. I have grown very unhappy lately and I know its because of this. As I get older maybe it gets harder to come out and meet someone I like. I already miss so much and I feel no other guy will take interest in someone who has lived with such a fear for such a long time.

I hope what i wrote makes sense and its not hard to read.
Thanks to any who read this and I welcome any tips to break out of this cocoon I am in.

If you can't communicate truthfully with your family, they are not really your family anymore. Try not to spend too much time with them. Find new people that you can tell your true feelings.

 

[hermanding]

Telstra came to the point here. If your family cannot accept you, really, truly, honestly, YOU would be better off without them. You can have family that loves and nurtures you, in which no one is related to you by biological accident.