I have never felt more torn in my life, and am in desperate need of legitimate advice

[StrangeLoop]

I really, really, really apologize for the length of this and completely understand if it's too long/obnoxious, but I have nowhere else to go to for advice. I've always read this part of JUB and figure you guys may be able to provide some perspective.

Josh and I had been involved for six months. I met him over facebook the summer before I was to go to college; he had joined the college I now go to's group and I joined it as well. We added each other and started chatting, eventually talking on the phone for hours upon hours at a time and texting like crazy. I decided on a whim to take the train up to New York (where he lived) to see him, meet him, get to know him. What was once a crush turned into, of course, love. I went up to visit him on three occasions, my last visit was four days long. It was positively bliss. Then school started and problems arose. He didn't know how to be a great boyfriend, put simply. He never wanted to show affection in public or go to parties with me because I'm an affectionate drunk. We would argue nearly every day over extremely stupid shit. One night, we decided to separate for a day or two to figure things out; we needed time apart I suppose. It was mostly his decision. So, I decided to out with my friend Liz to a party on campus and just drink away the pain I was feeling. I had three cups of jungle juice, strong shit that night, and Josh showed up at the same party. I of course, being a lightweight and having consumed a fair amount of alcohol, confronted him. He wouldn't talk to me. He wouldn't even look at me, avoided me like crazy. Then I screamed that he was a cunt, a motherfucking cunt, and that I hated him. He told me he would hit me if I didn't stop, so I yelled back that I'd love for him to slap me so everyone would see how much of a pussy he was.

Things were never the same after that night. I guess all the tension had been boiling up for sometime and it all came out full force that night. I cut myself for the first time in three years the morning after and there's still a scar on my wrist that reminds me of it every day that I shower. Another night in December, Josh went out to a party with his friends and came back, and I bitched him out for not asking me to go and he went completely insane. Detached, disconnected from whatever he once felt and told me he didn't love me, that he hoped that I would die from smoking cigarettes, thanks for ruining his night, etc etc. It was basically just on a downward spiral ever after, he apologized like crazy the morning after and kept trying to make it up to me. There were just so many instances like that that made it a terrible relationship. I went away for winter break, for a month, back at home. The distance made things worse and we kept arguing throughout the whole break, but we missed each other so much. When I came back for the second semester in January, I found myself unbelievably happy to see him again for a few weeks, and then I noticed that I just didn't love him anymore. Like that. I detached. I was disgusted with myself for staying with him after what he had done to me. So one night in February I got terribly drunk (starting to think I'm an alcoholic) and confessed to him that I wanted to break up. Many tears, lots of sorrow, etc. I'm sorry this is so long. I feel like you have to understand completely what was going on though to make a good judgment. So anyways, he deduced that we can't be friends because every time he sees me he just wants to flirt, just wants to win me back.

I broke up with him for a few reasons. The main one is that he is a very fucked up kid, a fucked up past, a fucked up family life that contributed to why he is such an angry and fearful person (homophobic I believe). The other reason is that I started having feelings for other boys, and that I didn't find myself to be in love with him like I once was. But damn, we were completely tied to each other and that's why I'm miserable right now. When someone you've loved for so long...when you can't find yourself being with them anymore...when you're not over them sexually either...when that's torn away from you, it's hard to deal with. I miss texting him all the time and cuddling, and his cute faces that he would make. It really rips me up every day. He deleted me from facebook and stopped following me on tumblr, I suppose, in an effort to get over me. I know though, that he would take me back in a heartbeat. As vain as this sounds, I know he will never truly be over me because we were, figuratively speaking, each other's limbs, we depended on each other. He has told me many times that he is still in love with me and always will be, no matter how much time passes. When I broke up with him he begged, practically, for me to come back. Kept telling me that my smoking made no difference to him, etc etc.

So I've been missing him a terrible amount. I feel racked with guilt for breaking his heart completely. I keep seeing little reminders of him everywhere and it just sinks my heart. The new boy that I'm seeing is named Mark, he's a senior English major at my college. Extremely smart, very well-versed in literature and art, and his music tastes are amazing. I've gotten so much good music from him this last month. Ah, yeah, I've been seeing him for a month. A week after I broke up with Josh, I went over to Mark's apartment and (got drunk) ended up just cuddling and sleeping (not fucking) with him. It's so nice too, Mark's a chainsmoker, and it's lovely to be able to smoke cigarettes with a guy that you really like, drink beer, and listen to records in bed. Josh was always extremely judgmental towards my smoking. I love it. It's like a new life. He introduces me to great movies, has told me I'm really cute, is an amazing cuddler and is just a fun person to be with in general. He has told our mutual friend that he really likes me and wants to be in a relationship eventually. But right now I just wish I could choose, because I could see something really great happening with Mark, but I miss Josh's company so much. I feel like no matter what I do, I can never break the grip that the relationship we had, had on me. The other thing to that complicates things with Mark is that we are often too afraid to speak about personal issues such as a relationship with each other, we tiptoe around it in fear of scaring each other off. I feel like that's because it's the fact that it's a new thing, we've only been seeing each other for a month. Regardless. Thanks for listening to me. I never realized how much I had to say about the issue until I typed it all out. Any advice whatsoever?

 

[DonMartino]

hey strangeloop,

welcome to JUB. well, i guess im youre age, dont have too many experiences with realtionships and it sounds like you would act just as emotional when youre drunk as i do (which obviously isnt healthy;-))

having said that, the only thing i have to say about this is:
breaking up is hard. everytime.

simple as that. i dont know if that was your first relationship? if so, youve never gone through that before. you may not have been aware of what to expect. i guess its normal that after an intense realtionship like you two had, you just cant cut him out of your head within a day... ask yourself, do u miss the time with josh so much, that u want to be together again? from what you have written, i would clearly say no. you found that mark guy, he seems to be an amazing boost for you. thats great! as i said, breaking up is hard, but everybody has to deal with it. move on, mark seems to be a good guy to do that step. keep dating, if both of you develop youre feelings, have the guts to tell him;-) (thats what i think, i always like to play with open cards...)

since u think he feels the same way, what do u have to lose?


thats my thoughts...

 

[Tee-Jay]

Before providing my insight into the matter, I must say that self mutilation is never the answer. No matter how extenuating the circumstances may seem, another alternative must come to mind. Having said that I wish you the best in getting the necessary help in dealing with your need to cut. With regard to the relationship, I don't think it's right to place all the blame on your ex. I mean you must accept some level of accountability for the demise of the relationship. While he had no right being emotionally abusive, I don't think you are exempt from blame.Compromise is paramount in any successful relationship and I think you failed in this regard. Maybe cut back on the drinks and don't smoke around him. You have to respect people's boundaries. Also you talked about how upset you were when he didn't invite you out. Obsessing about stuff like that is a sure fire way to extinguish a relationship. We come into relationships being our own person and sometimes we need time to ourselves, otherwise people tend to feel suffocated and that's never a good sign. Also I think you guys gravitated towards each other not out of love, but out of familiarity. Thus you became each other's crotch. Also you said that you moved on only a week after ending your relationship. Of course you are going to have second thoughts because you didn't properly deal with your residual feelings for your ex, instead you jumped into another situation. My recommendation is that you spend some time by yourself to figure out who you truly are, become comfortable with your findings and then look for someone who will compliment you. Hope this helps

 

[lamiejamie]

Hi StrangeLoop, I'm going to try to put some of my thoughts down as I read..

I think I'm starting to learn that even though someone you know is gay, that doesn't mean they are on the same "gay" level as you are. He's not ok with public affection, and if that's a problem that yall have, he's probably not the right one for you.

I am very sorry that you felt the need to cut yourself. It takes being in a verryy low spot and I can relate... Please talk to someone in person that you are close to about this issue so that you don't make another dangerous mistake.

Yes you still love Josh, and I think that is ok. I don't think you have to completely erase a person from your life that you broke up with and made good memories with. Just give mark some time/a chance, and who knows. Neither of you are ready to talk about your past relationships with each other because you aren't over them enough that you can talk about it without getting upset.

A little thing about Josh... I feel like I can relate to him very much. Not everyone has the luxury of coming from accepting backgrounds. The result is, yes, we do get fucked up in the head. We hate ourselves for being what we are, but hate ourselves also if we are living a lie. Try to accept that aspect of him and maybe you can forgive him and start to me on. That's all I got...

 

[Lefty]

Welcome to the mad house.

Now, prepare to get mad but remember I can only go by your information.

1. New young guy meets guy, opens long distance association/friendship.

2. Assumes pursuer position and establishes relationship.

3. Overlooks several weak points in affiliation for sake of 'having' someone and
belonging with someone.
i.e. You and Josh don't have the same taste in music, entertainment, friends, extra-curricular activities to include smoking and quantity of alcohol imbibed. You are a more emotionally needy demonstrator personality and he is more of a conservative and less demonstrative nature.

4. Lifestyle and personal needs conflicts arise. Neither party is actually 200% committed to a relationship or making it work, just to wanting to have a relationship with someone...somewhere...somehow.

5. Instigator of original relationship goes emo, does self inflicted damage. Parties take respite. Original aggressor realizes (internal) that relationship is lacking and has holes/rifts that are not surmountable.

6. Enter new party who is actually a closed meld to Strangeloop on all levels at this time. Potential for valid relationship ensues.

----------------------------------------
Okay dude, don't hate me. This is just an opinion from the sidelines and with $3.00 will get you a starbucks. I think you and Josh should agree to be friends/acquaintences and thats it. Savor the experience you had together, consider it a part of your spiritual/emotional growths and both of you step aside for the other one.

As you indicated your self, Mark is more in step with you and I think you should see where that or a similar path might lead. YOU are young, don't try to tie an anchor to your life now. Experience some life...live..laugh..learn...share and grow.That is not being shallow or unfeeling, that is prepping for "REAL" life which will be knocking at the door soon enough.

Sorry, us old farts get pedantic and love to pontificate when seeing a
and just forget when to shut the fuck up.

Good Luck and be sure to finish this saga for us.

 

[rareboy]

You and 'josh' are not compatible. Neither of you seemed to behave like rational adults in your relationship.

The cutting thing is just stupid and suggests that you need to get some counselling help.

Don't screw up your chances with 'mark' by dwelling on an ex. Take a look at all the mistakes you made the first time around and then make sure you don't repeat them.

 

[aijalon18]

I'm sorry but a lot of this drama you seem to have created on your own. You have a lot of good things going for you and you are making things unnecessarily difficult. You are a young out (i assume) gay guy in college. The world is your oyster. You should be exploring your environment and having fun. Not getting into some intense, turbulent relationship with the first guy you facebook.

 

[G-Lexington]

Welcome to JUB!

I'm going to disagree with rareboy a bit. I think, as it stands now, you're perfectly compatible with Josh. In that you're both rather immature, and you both seem prone to ramping up the drama whenever it arrives on the scene. That doesn't make for a very pleasant relationship, but as one astute JUBber once pointed out, "Better to have TWO messed-up people in a relationship, as it takes them out of the running for the rest of the world."

Ideally, what you SHOULD be doing is working on moving beyond that spot. Where you get over your insecurities and letting your emotions dictate your behavior. At that point, you'll probably not be an ideal partner for Josh, but presumably, you won't want to be Josh's partner by then. Lemme highlight some things here.

>>>He didn't know how to be a great boyfriend, put simply. He never wanted to show affection in public or go to parties with me because I'm an affectionate drunk.

If "not being able to deal with affectionate drunks" equals "not a great boyfriend", then call me a lousy boyfriend, too. I love my partner, and I like it when he shows affection in public. But not drunk. Sorry - don't like drunk guys (even my partner) falling over me, mumbling how much they appreshiate me. If you want to say you care, say you care, and skip the drinking. And my partner doesn't have a problem with that. Generally, he isn't very "affectionate drunk" anyway, but when he gets that way, he just slobbers over other friends (male and female) because "Leksh don't like me shlobberin' over him". It's called "respecting the other person's feelings". My partner doesn't like rock concerts, so I don't drag him to them. I don't feel his disinterest makes him a lousy boyfriend. It just makes him a boyfriend who has other interests.

>>>I of course, being a lightweight and having consumed a fair amount of alcohol, confronted him. He wouldn't talk to me. He wouldn't even look at me, avoided me like crazy. Then I screamed that he was a cunt, a motherfucking cunt, and that I hated him.

Were Josh smart, he would've headed out the second he saw you in the same party. Were he kinda smart, he would've headed out the second you started confronting him. Which is why I think you two are compatible - here was an opportunity to kick things up a notch or seven, and who in their right mind could bypass that?

>>>...starting to think I'm an alcoholic...

Reread your first post, and hypothetically highlight every time you see the words "drink", "drunk" and so forth. Quite a few, huh? And if you're such a "lightweight" when it comes to alcohol, why do you keep going down that route? Alcohol kicks my ass pretty hard too, which is why I simply don't drink that much. But I think it goes beyond that - the term "drink the pain away" sort of suggests that.

Which is why I think that's where your first step should be. Stop drinking. Don't "ease off" or promise to not get quite as drunk next time. Stop completely. See what happens.

Next up, I'd say you need to have a talk with Mark. You basically need to tell him what you've said in your first post. Hell, you can print it out for him if you'd like. Tell him you're fresh from another relationship, it didn't go well, and you think you were to blame for a great chunk of it. And as such, you want to work on getting yourself in a better place so as to ensure that you WILL be a good boyfriend for him.

Lex

 

[terps420]

Oh dude. It's so obviously your first love. Probably gonna sound really insensitive soon but... you'll totally get over it.

It's hard, I know, but we've all been there. It's your first. The first time always hurts the most, 'cause you've never felt that amount of agony and disappointment at the same time before. It'll get better though, 'cause seriously... what gay man honestly starts dating the guy he's gonna be with for the rest of his life as a freshmen in college?

I'm assuming that you guys aren't out from your story, I can tell you that even if you were, these problems would still exist. That's a guarantee from me to you brother. Take my world for it. Go for the Mark guy dude, eat your ice cream before it melts.