I have no clue what to do....

[TBinGwood]

I have been reading These for a while. I just never thought I would be posting and asking for help.

I know that I'm gay. I'm happy to be gay. I wouldnt cange it for anything in the world.

My problem is that I cant come out. I have tried so many times, but at the last second, i stop. I want to tell my friends, my family, my co-workers. I dont try and hide who i am. I am who i am, and i dont think that i should act different. But when someone asks me if i am, i cant find the courage to actually say "Yes, I'm Gay." I dont know why.

If the people cant tell, then they are blind. I dont mean that in a bad why.

I'm sure that my mom knows. She has caught me looking at guys before, but she has never said anything. I still live with her, i help take care of her becuase she cant really take care of her self. I guess that i am scared of what will happen. What if i tell her and she kicks me out. I cant afford a place on my own. Not where i work. So i think that when i do decide to tell her, i will do it when i move out.

With telling my friends. Im not sure how they feel about gay guys. They are the ones that i will be getting a house with. So what if i tell them and they hate me after. Then im in the same boat as before. I guess i will never know what will happen until it happens.

What do you think i should do? There is a guy that i work with that gay and out. We talk alot and i would say ok friends.

Another reason that im scared to come out is im not comfortable with myself. I cant say that i think im HOT. i dont think that im ugly. I know that im not skinny. And i know why. I am trying to find a way to work on it. So maybe when or if that happens, i can be comfortable with myself.



I want to thank you all for reading this a letting me get this off my chest.
And i want to say thank you in advance for an advice that you have.

 

[KaraBulut]

There are different ways of coming out.

For some people, the sound of the closet door being blown open can be heard for miles. They're the ones making announcements, wearing the t-shirts, waving the big rainbow-colored flags and doing everything possible to announce that they are gay.

Others just stop lying and changing genders. It's casual and matter of fact, "I'm having dinner with my ex-boyfriend", "I have a date. He's taking me to a movie", "I'm spending the night at my boyfriend's house"... in a single sentence, it says everything that needs to be said.

Another reason that im scared to come out is im not comfortable with myself. I cant say that i think im HOT. i dont think that im ugly. I know that im not skinny. And i know why. I am trying to find a way to work on it. So maybe when or if that happens, i can be comfortable with myself.

Don't live your life putting "if" and "when" qualifiers on things.

"I'll start dating when I get back in shape"
"If I get a nose job then I'll feel better about myself"
"If I lose the weight, then I'll go on vacation to the beach"

Live your life. Find happiness. Things like looking good and feeling better about yourself start from the inside. And somehow, the act of being honest, out and who you are seems to make it easier to get rid of all the reasons why you can't do the things that you want to do.

 

[Nomenclature]

My problem is that I cant come out. I have tried so many times, but at the last second, i stop. I want to tell my friends, my family, my co-workers. I dont try and hide who i am. I am who i am, and i dont think that i should act different. But when someone asks me if i am, i cant find the courage to actually say "Yes, I'm Gay." I dont know why.

If the people cant tell, then they are blind. I dont mean that in a bad why.

We all go through it; You just freeze with fear and can't say it until the ice is broken, so to speak. You're terrified of all the unknowns: "What if I lose my friends?", "What if I lose my family?", etc etc.


As far as your friends go: You really need to ask yourself "Would they accept me if they knew I was gay?" if they answer is unsure, or a solid "No", then you don't need to tell them right now. But for all you know, they've probably already figured it out a long time ago and are just waiting for you to finally admit it.

I'm sure that my mom knows. She has caught me looking at guys before, but she has never said anything. I still live with her, i help take care of her becuase she cant really take care of her self. I guess that i am scared of what will happen. What if i tell her and she kicks me out. I cant afford a place on my own. Not where i work. So i think that when i do decide to tell her, i will do it when i move out.

Honestly, the best thing for you would be to move out and become independent before you come out to your straight friends or your family. That way, even if it does go bad, it won't be nearly as devastating to you.

Another reason that im scared to come out is im not comfortable with myself. [...] I am trying to find a way to work on it. So maybe when or if that happens, i can be comfortable with myself.

Coming out is way more than just telling people that you're gay; It's an entire process that can take a long period of time for you to finally accept yourself for who you are. The reason you're unhappy with your body right now is most likely because you're unhappy with yourself.


You're learning now that you need to need to put a LOT of thought into this whole "coming out" thing.

 

[G-Lexington]

Welcome to JUB!

If it's the word that scares you, don't bother saying it now. For some people, the best plan of attack for coming out is to act like everybody already knows. And perhaps that tactic would be a good one for you. But that's only true if you can do as KB suggests. If you can say "I'm looking for a boyfriend" or "I think (actor) is hot" in lieu of "I'm gay". If you don't think you can do that, either, then you need to work harder on your self-esteem.

Homosexuals aren't just hot, muscular, fashionable, self-confident folks. There's tons of average gays, flabby gays, short gays, fashion-backwards gays, shy gays, and hard-on-themselves gays. And being any and all of these things doesn't preclude you from being gay. Or from being openly gay. Or from having a great life. Or (yes) from getting laid.

You might benefit from spending some time here on JUB. Read a bunch of threads, post some more, interact with us. Once you get more used to the variety that gay is, you might feel better about yourself and your place.

Lex

 

[jaysizzles]

Perhaps coming out to your friend/coworker would be the easiest route to take. It's a baby step...but a step in the right direction. He's been through the process...maybe he'll be able to give you the support you need. Once you tell one person...each time after it gets easier...builds up your confidence.

You say you think your Mom knows...but you fear she'll kick you out if you admit it to her? Really...would she? You take care of her...she must appreciate and love you for that...most likely she loves you just because you are her son. I guess you have your reasons to feel this way...but sometimes we have to trust that love is strong enough to overcome any differences in views.

 

[racer2438]

You need to take of your self, believe in your self. If yuor not ready, then your not. Only you know it is time. And only you can make that decision. Be who you are, be happy, live life to the fullest. You cant be thinking What if's the rest of your life. Today is now, tomorrow is not here yet, yesterday is gone and you cant get it back.

But you do have control of your future.

If you think your mom knows then just leave it alone. Moms always know there kids, and she needs you to help her. So always tell her you love her. And that will go a long way.

But most of all be who you are, If you dont what to be a fem, then dont. But the point is you are who you are . JUst live life to the fullest, life is to short....

 

[TBinGwood]

Thank you so much everyone. I really cant thank you enough.

, i took your idea. I was planning on telling my co-worker then day that you said that. But i didnt end up doing that. Instead i had another co-worker ask me if i was gay. I didnt answer her right away. I told her that i had to ask her a question when i clocked off. I went up up her later and asked her why she thought i was gay. I just wanted to know what she saw. She said that she never heard me talking about girls, or looking at any that walked through the front door.

When we went back into the kitchen she asked me one more time if i was gay. I looked at her right in the eye and said "Yes I am". And what did she do? she went and and told everyone else that was working that night. I knew that everyone there would be fine with it, just because of the other gay guy that works there. Everyone there last night told me that they already knew, which didnt surprise me. I didnt make any attempt to hide it.

When I went to work today, my manager told me that she doesnt believe that I'm gay. Then i told everyone that I am to start some drama. I told her what ever, I think I know if im gay or not. and i dont give a shit if she believes me or not. It got a little annoying today when she went around telling people not to believe me and to not let me bullshit them. She doesnt have a problem with gay people she just doesnt think that I am.


Now i know that me coming out at work went pretty smooth, but i still think that on the Home front, It will take longer. I still want to be out of the house when i tell my mom. I really dont talk to my dad, so i dont see the point in telling him at all.

Again i want to thank you all for advice and the kind worlds.

 

[Nomenclature]

When I went to work today, my manager told me that she doesnt believe that I'm gay..

I knew a guy up in Canada that was actually forced to come out at work after a female co-worker accused him of sexual harassment. He had to come out to keep his job and his boss didn't believe him at all. "You can't be gay; You don't even ACT like you're gay."

Glad everything went smoothly, but apparently bosses never believe their co-workers are gay.

 

[Lube]

See? No one was surprised. (Well no one except your dumb-ass manager. Does she have a crush on you maybe?)

Your mom won't be surprised.

Your taking care of her, for gods sakes. She'll never throw you out. There is nothing to be afraid of here.

 

[TBinGwood]

Hey guys. It has been a while. I thought that I would update you about what i as been happening.

Well everything at work is still going great. I'm have been going out more with my gay friend there. It has been alot of fun.

A few weeks ago was his brithday and we all got wasted at his house. For some reason, when I woke up the next day, I had a friends name in my head that I hadnt talked to since the day he graduated from highschool. He was the only gay friend that i had in school. But I was not out. He didnt know. So I decided to find him on facebook and see how he was doing. When i found him, i saw that he still lived near me. I send him a message on FB, telling him that I came out at work and that im starting to cahnge the way I live. He was shocked to find out that I was gay.

So last weekend We went to The Max, which is a gay club near where we live. We had alot of fun. I told him that I had the biggest crush on him in school. He told me that if i had come out in school, we might have had a chance. "damnit" lol. But that is cool, im still happy to be his friend. Then maybe someday.....

Ok today, I was getting ready to leave my house to do some shopping. I was talking to my mom before i got in the shower. We were talking about how great she thought i looked. I have been trying to lose some weight, she was telling me that i was doing a great job. Then she asked me why I had decided to lose the weight. I told her that I was tired of looking the way i did. She asked me if i was seeing anyone. I told her no. She asked me if i was interested in someone. I said yeah. Then she said something that totally through me off guard. She said " You know you dont have to hide anything from me. If you are interest in another guy, that is great. I just want you to be happy." I was like ok.

I was totally not prepared for her say that. The last time we had talked about anything like that, she told me that she would be really really heart broken and disappointed if I or either of my two brothers are gay.


Ok now i want to ask you all something and tell me what you think.

Im thinking about telling my friends. I have no clue how they feel about homosexuality at all. But now that I that work doesnt care, my mom doesnt care, I want to know if my friends care. I really think it is time that i tell them. That way i dont have to hide who i am around them. I would be willing to keep everything to a minimum around them, but im tired of living the lie that i am living right now with them. I want to be who I am without worrying about who sees me.

So my question for you is, What would be the best way to tell them. Could i just change the interested in stuff on FB, and let them ask me. Or do i tell them; either by email, text, message, call, or in person.

Let me know what you think.

 

[Eagle653]

First of all, congratulations on all you've done. You did what you wanted, when you wanted.

Second, your friends probably already know. When someone asks you, they've 99% figured it out; they're asking because they want it to be out in the open and honest between the two of you. (It's more polite to ask someone if they're gay, instead of just saying to them "I know you're gay, so....")

Third, tell your friends in the way that's most comfortable for you. Changing your status to "Interested in" on FB is certainly one way. Many doubtlessly already know, so again, it brings it out in the open and they can ask questions that interested friends do.

I had one friend go a step further and change his status to "engaged." He wasn't of course, but he posted a picture of himself and his flame du jour with that change of status. LOL. Even the most dense friend got the point.

Good luck to you! Tell us what you decide to do.

 

[movieguy22]

Well, first I must preface this comment by stating that I came out to my closest friend just about two months ago. While he was the second person I told, it was the most difficult as he was the first person I told that wasn't bi. And only just the other week I told another of my straight friends.

Both were really cool about it all. The first friend, he kinda knew already and was just unsure how to bring it up (I kinda had a crush on him. The guy looks like a CF model so could ya blame me? lol!) And the second guy had no clue that I was bi at all.

So what was it that brought me to do this? I came to the realization that my true friends really won't give a damn. That is to say, it won't bother them at all. Which is exactly what's happening. My friends have had a "That's cool." kinda attitude.

And for those who do have a problem with it? Well, they don't really deserve my time. Chances are they are all people I don't particularly care about anyway.

That's basically how I've approached it so far. And yes. I've only told about 4 people, but even then, it has taken a weight of my shoulders and has made me much more comfortable around my friends at college. Including those who don't know.

My advice is to start off by telling those friends closest to you. Chances are good they either do already suspect something and are just to shy to bring it up (like my friend) or they just simply have no clue and won't have a problem anyway. The third possibility is the least attractive and perhaps the most frightening because it would mean losing a friend. However, I find that people hang out with other like-minded people. Which means chances are good that your friends share similar ideals as you which in turn means they probably are not bothered by homosexuality. Especially those closest to you. This is something I've discovered to be true almost across the board.

Now that I've rambled on and on, I hope that helps a little at least.

 

[TBinGwood]

My friends have not asked me if i was or anything. They dont bring it up much. Yeah we joke around with it. What im worried about is that once i tell them, they might not think that im joking. Not to put them down or anything, but they are not my type at all and i wouldnt even consider being with them.

But i think that you guys are right. As close friends, they must see it. I know that i have let my cover slip some. So i hope that when I do tell them, they wont care and support me. And if they dont, then they are nota real friend. Yeah it will hurt if they dont support me, but i wont want to hang out with someone that doesnt like or respect who I am.

I really do Thank you guys. And as soon as I figure out how I will tell them, I will let you know. Im thinking that I will do the FB thing. Those are the only people that i really hang out with anyway.

 

[G-Lexington]

My only issue with the FB method is that it's...well, I want to say "passive-aggressive", but that's not the right term. Basically, I get the vague feeling that you want them to do the work. And it's a common feeling for closeted guys. "If somebody asks, I'll tell them." But very few people do ask. Your mother apparently decided to take matters into her own hands, and perhaps that's telling. Maybe she knew that if she waited for you to do say something, she'd never hear it, so she cut to the chase.

Let's say you do change your status on FB. And none of your friends says anything at all. Positive, negative, neutral. So, as far as you know, none of them even read it. Then what? Are you cool with that?

Lex

 

[KaraBulut]

Maybe the compromise is to for you to talk with your friends individually and say, "Just so you know- I'm going to be changing my FB page in the next couple of weeks and I wanted to talk to you about it before you saw it...".

It's a chance to bring the subject up and let your friends know that it's important enough that you want to talk with them about it beforehand.

 

[TBinGwood]

I understand what you are saying. It does kind of seem like I trying to make them do all the work. In a way, if i do chose that I am. I have decided that Im not going to hide it from them anymore. I just dont care if they know it. But it is one thing for me to come out at work. There they have to deal with it. My co-workers really dont have a choice. MY friends do, and they mean ALOT to me. I have alot of people telling me that, they wont care becuase they are a true friend. ANd if they do care then they arent a real friend of mine. I do know that. But i have been friends with some of these guys and girls for 10+ years. We laughed, cried, and even bled together. I dont know if i can take it if one of them doesnt like me or want to hang out with me after i tell them. That is the thing that scares me the most. I rely on them to take my mind off the crap that is happening in my life. I need them to make me laugh and listen when i need a ear to talk to. My family is not one to do that.

I went to lunch with my brother today, and we started talking about HRC ( Human Rights Campaign ). He seemed to listen until I mentiond "Dont ask, Dont tell". he seemed to toon me out of that. I dont ever talk to him about this stuff. I guess that was my way of trying to tell him that Im gay without acutally saying the words. But when i saw how he reacted, i changed the subject.

Today my aunt posted on my facebook. I posted this "Wondering what to do, What to do when you are not sure about the reaction of others?" yesturday. Today see responded with this " The reaction may not be what you think. Be yourself no matter who you are we love you for you." Im starting to realise that i didnt hide this from my family as well as i would have liked. But it is still good to know that even she will still love me. That is unless she has no clue what im talking about. lol.

Anyway, it is 1:16am here. And i have work in the morning. HUHOT sucks. lol.

 

[TBinGwood]

I have told one friend that im gay. She was alrady wondering if i was just by some of the posts that i have been putting on facebook. She told me that i should tell my close friends face to face, i have gotten that same thing from a couple other people that im out to. The only thing is that im not sure how or when. I dont have alot of self confindence. Im afraid of how they will take it.

 

[TBinGwood]

I have sent another friend a text, telling him that I really need to talk to him. I plan on meeting him for lunch tomorrow, when he gets out of class. He is one of the few people that i consider a close friend. So i need to tell him person. Im going to do it where I work. I feel more comfortable telling him in a place where people already know that im gay. I just really hope that he takes it well.

 

[TimWhite07]

That is great dude. Hope everything goes well. I sent you a link to a video that has some great advice on it.

I will call you later, havent talked in a while.

 

[TBinGwood]

OK in about 40 minutes, Im telling one of my cloest friends. IM meeting him for lunch. IM really nervous. My stomach is in knots. I didnt sleep well last night.

But I need to do this, not for enyone else, but for myself. I tired of the lies. SO then after I tell him, i have the post for facebook all set up and ready to go. All i have to do is copy and paste it in. It pretty much says, im gay, if you dont like it then you do need to be my friend.

Well i need to head to the resurant. Thanks for all the help you guys, I will post laster to tell you all how it went.