I have probably the worst trust issue... HELP!!!

[AEBoy8]

i have a huge trust problem. i've dated quite a few guys - and the trust thing ends everything. i just realized today how bad it was and how much i need help and i have to fix this problem. ok, i have been dating this guy for a little over a month. he is gorgerous he could get plenty of guys. i discovered he was on manhunt. i have been on there i won't lie but i know what it's basically for and that is to hook up but i never did any of that. anyways, so him being on there just added on to the trust issue. i never trusted him in the first place just like i never have trusted anybody else. i would drive by his house every night and make sure he was home and he always was. i began to trust him some but i never fully trusted him. so i took it to extremes. i made a fake screen name and talked to him online for about a week. i have did this before... and i should have learned when i got caught last time bu i didn't. anyways, we talked and i talked about hooking up and sent fake pictures. he never accepted the offer, told me he just wanted to be friends. he even told the fake person that he was talking to somebody and everything like that. anyways, this went on for about a week. i talked to him today on the fake screen name and he was like why did you make a fake screen name. i didn't know what to say and i couldn't confess becasue i would get caught so i played it off. we talked a little bit more he agreed to hook up finally and gave me his address. i felt so bad about doing it that i finally confessed and told him everything. he told me that he just gave me the address because he knew it was me and he was really hurt because i did that to him that he wanted to teach me a lesson. he was right. i fucked up really bad and now he doesn't want to hear from me... and i totally understand. i fucked up a potential relationship and even a friendship. and before anybody goes and starts to judge - i know what i did was wrong and it should have never happened. anyways... that made me realize i have a trust problem that has to be addressed. my trust problem has ruined so many potential relationships and it's ridiculous. I DO NOT KNOW HOW TO TRUST SOMEBODY. i am so afraid of being hurt. i have never been cheated on that i know of so it's not like i have a reason not to trust anybody. i just need to get over this trust thing and i honestly am about to go crazy. i can never be with anbody if i can't trust. i took my trust issues to extremes this time, but i dated a guy for a few months and figured out his myspace password which was the same password he uses for everything so i was constanlty checking his stuff to make sure he was being faithful. that's not only illegal it's just plain wrong. i just don't know what to do anymore about my trust issues... i just really need some advice because it's gotten way too out of hand.

 

[jimm04]

Re: I have probably the worst trust issue... HELP!

I can't believe that the fact you "spied" him is a good reason to teach someone else a "life" lesson. You must try another date.

 

[Horschallen]

Re: I have probably the worst trust issue... HELP!

For many, being able to trust completely is not easy. Try counseling to give you professional guidance as you explore the underlying issues and address them. Change seems to be something you need to make if you want to enter lasting and meaningful relationships with other people. Good luck.

 

[Coffee]

Re: I have probably the worst trust issue... HELP!

I DO NOT KNOW HOW TO TRUST SOMEBODY. i am so afraid of being hurt

It's not judging time, right? You know you were wrong, right? Ok just wait for a while and explain to him (like above), and swear that it'll never happen again (and you try to make sure that don't let it happens again inside your mind). Ask him for a forgiveness. Try to tell the reasons that made you're so skeptical like this. You made him hurt. But now you know your mistake, it's not too late to start fixing it.

 

[tallguy297]

Re: I have probably the worst trust issue... HELP!

Hey Aeboy,

Mate, in most cases trust issues start out from one issue and end up causing others...

My guess is you have self image or self esteem issues... for some reason you just cant bring yourself to beleive or understand that someone might just actually want to be with you or that they might actually care for you.

Ironically that paranoia makes you question thier sincerity and motives, you look for any sign that they are unfaithful, using you or playing games.

And eventually you resort to the crazy things like this.

Mate... you need to find whats troubling you. You need to deal with who or whats hurting you so you can push past it and move on with confidence and a faith in yourself that lets you trust others might see the same.

Its not about ego... its about feeling comfortable with yourself. Everyone of us bring our own unique traits and looks, our own quirks and sensibilities with us to a relationship... its what makes them work. You dont need to be perfect, you dont need to be what YOU THINK your guy wants... you just need to be you.

And when you grow to understand that you're a good guy, a guy with values and talents, your own combination of emotions and foibles, you'll be able to relax and understand that you are worth being happy and that someone can actually love you for just being the guy you are.

 

[bokan800]

Re: I have probably the worst trust issue... HELP!

You need to see a shrink.

Trust issues sprouts from a deeper problem. You need to reflect on what happened in your past that made you unable to easily trust someone.

Ask yourself, "When I was younger, did anything happened to me that was traumatic, that changed my perception of people?"

or

"Why am I so afraid of being left alone?"
"Fear of rejection?"

Trust is very important, as you mentioned. You can't form friendships and relationships without it.

 

[AEBoy8]

Re: I have probably the worst trust issue... HELP!

First of all, thank you all for your advice!

Hey Aeboy,

Mate, in most cases trust issues start out from one issue and end up causing others...

My guess is you have self image or self esteem issues... for some reason you just cant bring yourself to beleive or understand that someone might just actually want to be with you or that they might actually care for you.

Ironically that paranoia makes you question thier sincerity and motives, you look for any sign that they are unfaithful, using you or playing games.

And eventually you resort to the crazy things like this.

Mate... you need to find whats troubling you. You need to deal with who or whats hurting you so you can push past it and move on with confidence and a faith in yourself that lets you trust others might see the same.

Its not about ego... its about feeling comfortable with yourself. Everyone of us bring our own unique traits and looks, our own quirks and sensibilities with us to a relationship... its what makes them work. You dont need to be perfect, you dont need to be what YOU THINK your guy wants... you just need to be you.

And when you grow to understand that you're a good guy, a guy with values and talents, your own combination of emotions and foibles, you'll be able to relax and understand that you are worth being happy and that someone can actually love you for just being the guy you are.

You know, you have a point. It's not that I have self esteem issues... it's that I crave attention. If a guy doesn't show interest in me... I automatically think the worse and that he isn't interested. Maybe that has something to do with it?

You need to see a shrink.

Trust issues sprouts from a deeper problem. You need to reflect on what happened in your past that made you unable to easily trust someone.

Ask yourself, "When I was younger, did anything happened to me that was traumatic, that changed my perception of people?"

or

"Why am I so afraid of being left alone?"
"Fear of rejection?"

Trust is very important, as you mentioned. You can't form friendships and relationships without it.

Good point. I have never been cheated on in the past though, but I just can't stand pain. Thinking of him possibly having sex with someone else, hanging out with another guy, then just leaving me out in the cold. I get attached so easily. I have tried not to get attached to someone, but I just always seem to do it.

First, I want to applaud you for your honesty here. I'm surprised no one has said that to you yet. You took a big step just admitting these very private things here and I think that is something that you should be proud of.

I very much agree with our moderator, tallguy297. Trust issues often stem from self-esteem issues. You project that insecurity onto your significant other and they quickly become the villain when all along it's your own insecurity. Self-esteem is not something you can just go out and get. You have to work toward that. I can relate to you on this. I would suggest focusing on your common interests. Whether you continue to date this guy or it's with your next relationship, make sure they know you offer alot. Nothing will make you feel better than showing them they need to look no further. I have to stress that they need to be real common interests. Don't make things up or be someone you're not. That would never last.

Also, maybe consider pulling back a little. When you start to panic and do these things, you show a lack of confidence, which only repels people even more. Keep cool, keep it casual, and don't panic. And maybe don't date people that you just can't find yourself trusting. Try to find someone based on personality and compatibility.

We're not talking anymore. I sent him an e-mail and I apologized, manned up and told him what I did was very childish and very shady. I told him I understand if he doesn't want to speak to me again... but I told him I would like to gain his trust back. He never responded to the email so I sent him a text and asked him if he read it. He told me he did, and told me not to ever text him again. Hurt alot... and I learned a lesson from it. I know what I did wasn't the right thing to do, and it totally backfired on me. It turns out he was a honest guy and had good intentions. I really screwed this one up bad. I've apologized and that's all I can do and hope he will accept it. I'm not asking him to get back with me, but I don't like ending things on bad terms and I would love a friendship with him because he is an awesome guy. God I don't know what to do.

 

[tallguy297]

Re: I have probably the worst trust issue... HELP!

Hey mate,

First... let me aplogise. Superboy was right... I was remiss in not telling you that you should be proud of this thread, of opening up and of trying to sort this out. You should be... its never easy to ask for help... especially when you've screwed up. So feel good about the fact you want to fix this mate, it took a lot of courage.

I've highlighted a few things you said here...

You know, you have a point. It's not that I have self esteem issues... it's that I crave attention. If a guy doesn't show interest in me... I automatically think the worse and that he isn't interested. Maybe that has something to do with it?

The question you need to ask is why? Why do you need the attention? Whats missing? I'm not going to psycho babble you mate, but in the real world things just cant operate that way. No one can ever give you constant attention... life will always get in the way.

And if you think that constant attention equates to love, which is really easy to do, then you've got to get past that. Being in love and feeling wanted and safe with someone doesnt revolve around attention or texts or calls or emails.

Its an emotion... its a feeling. And its one that should make you smile when you think about your guy not panic. Its the feeling that you KNOW hes thinking about you, that he wants to see you as much as you want to see him.

But its also knowing that that feeling is enough. You dont actually need the contact...

And honestly mate, constant contact is too much hard work. You will drive people away... its demanding and its probably even selfish. Your guy will always have his own life and needs, he will always have his own friends and space, and he will always have his own job or study.

When 2 guys start a realtionship it becomes "our" lives, but you can never take away "his" life or "your" life. If you try you'll most likely end up hurt.

but I just can't stand pain.

He told me he did, and told me not to ever text him again. Hurt alot... and I learned a lesson from it. I know what I did wasn't the right thing to do, and it totally backfired on me.

And heres the rub mate.

Its ultimately your own mistrust that caused the pain you feared in the first place.

And that, while its raw and real, is the best lesson to learn. Its a gut wrenching pain that I'm really really sorry you are going through, no one deserves to suffer through it.

But if the "what could it have been" and the "what ifs" serve any purpose mate its to remind you that you can hurt yourself just as easily as the other guy can hurt you. That you can sabotage your own happiness.

Trust is something you learn. As someone who was abused as a child it took me way too long to learn that... and I wasted too much time in fear. And I hate the thought that you would do the same.

Yes, trust means opening yourself up to getting hurt mate. It means letting someone in, someone who might cause you pain.

But living alone or driving people away will do the same thing... except you will never get the feel the joy of actually feeling so free with someone that life could end at that moment and you wouldn't care.

Everything has an upside and a down Aeboy. And I can promise you that feeling safe and loved and secure with someone is worth 100 times the risk of heartbreak. You've just got to beleive that too.

 

[AEBoy8]

Re: I have probably the worst trust issue... HELP!

Wow... thanks for your help Tallguy... you've cleared alot of things up for me... wow.