I have weird friends...

[Lightsage]

Warning: This topic covers friends, family and potential relationships.
Edit: It posted before I finished writing... My computer hiccuped...

Well after I found this site again around mid-July this year I decided to come out to my friends and anyone who asked/cared/etc.

I must say that the reactions were pretty funny for some of my friends...

The first one I told yelled out, "FINALLY!" when I told her. Not that I was trying to hide it from anyone.

Another one, which was downright rude, said, "I told you so." What the hell can someone say to that? The way it was said basically was, "I told you that you were gay so now you are." Makes me glad I don't talk to her much.

Anyways, they've all otherwise been very supportive and happy that I finally admitted it.

I'm not telling my family yet because of various internal issues that are out of my control. It's just not a good time to tell them despite my having a gay cousin once-removed on one side that is well recieved by everyone else. I'd rather not add onto everything going on right now.

As far as coming out goes I'm doing just fine except for my closest male friend. He's a good enough friend that in the past I talked him out of suicide on two occassions and he might as well be a brother to me. The problem is that I don't really know how he'll react to it. We've never talked about or even thought of anything having to do with it before. It just never came up. I know he'd warm up to the idea after a while.

He does know more about me and my past than anyone else in my life (family included). I've also been in the room when he was having sex with his now ex-fiance and seen them both naked. Which shouldn't be much of an issue... Another reservation is that I met him while I was still coming to terms with myself and I, rather gracelessly, asked him if he was gay. He acted like he was at the time. Other than that, the last issue is that he lives in another state now and I don't really know how to come out to him over the phone.

Any advice on telling him would be helpful. I already tried to do it, but stumbled around and just couldn't.

Lastly, the relationship part:

There's this guy in my acting class. I really like him and I'm pretty sure he's gay (mannerisms, clothing, hygiene, etc.). The problem is that I'm not totally 100% sure without asking him. He hasn't said anything either way and he might just be EXTREMELY metro or at the least bi. He's basically a perfect match for me so I, at the least, have him as a friend. I don't really want to ask him straight out and it being an acting class doesn't help with finding out either. That class is overly perverted... Mostly in the homosexual sense on perversion.

I was hoping to get him as a partner for scenes so I could talk with him more, but I'm not that lucky. Ideas?

I'll give you guys more to go on if you want to get more specific. That's about it for now.

 

[jimm04]

Let's go win your partner chest !

 

[Lightsage]

Let's go win your partner chest !

I umm... I don't get it...

I should probably get some sleep... My brain isn't working correctly now...

Esplain me please? (I'm from El Paso. I picked up some quirky behavior. So sue me.)

 

[954dude]

The reaction of your closest male friend isn't your responsibility - in fact anyone's reaction to you being gay isn't your responsibility (unless of course you're wearing a tu tu and being shagged and singing Somewhere Over the Rainbow while telling them). My first thought about your closest male friend is that he might have been suicidal in the past because he himself is gay - it is very often the cause for depression and attempted suicide and very often even best friends have no idea. I'd tell him.

As for your acting friend - just drop hints - that's what I do. Say something like 'Oh I saw this really cute guy...' or say straight out to him 'You're so cute' - sideway hints always work best for me where you get a chance to insert some comment about your sexuality in a roundabout way so as to 'enlighten' the other person without slamdunking it.

@ Lightsage

Spoken like a pro! Sometimes, the answers are right in front of you.

 

[Lightsage]

The reaction of your closest male friend isn't your responsibility - in fact anyone's reaction to you being gay isn't your responsibility (unless of course you're wearing a tu tu and being shagged and singing Somewhere Over the Rainbow while telling them). My first thought about your closest male friend is that he might have been suicidal in the past because he himself is gay - it is very often the cause for depression and attempted suicide and very often even best friends have no idea. I'd tell him.

As for your acting friend - just drop hints - that's what I do. Say something like 'Oh I saw this really cute guy...' or say straight out to him 'You're so cute' - sideway hints always work best for me where you get a chance to insert some comment about your sexuality in a roundabout way so as to 'enlighten' the other person without slamdunking it.

@ Lightsage

Thanks. I'm not worried about other people's reactions. I just find some of them funny.

I'm not really worried about my his reaction so much because I'm relatively sure he'll be fine with it. I am worried that if he is gay then he might push me away because of it. He's prone to doing that when faced with problems. I really wish I could tell him to his face because I know he deserves that much. I can't do that though so I'm stuck with doing it over the phone. I don't really know how to go about doing that because of the subject matter that we always talk about on the phone. He won't even talk to me about his break-up with his ex that way.

My delimma with him is finding a way to tell him without it being a totally out there statement. I hate having to work around the subject matter...

For the acting friend... There was time in class that we were doing improv and I was lending my keys to a friend who wanted to go pick up my ex from the airport. I said, "Why is he coming back?" but it was at the end of class and not even my partner noticed. Luckily it's an acting class and perverted situations are abundant. There was even talk of "asswombs" in the last meeting...

I'm sure many more opportunities will arise this next week. I hate waiting games though... I'm [__] this close to jumping him next time he walks his torn jeans into class.

Thank you, noelie. It's good to get outside opinions every once in a while. At least I know that my own brain is on the right track at the moment.

Now to find a good time to call my friend... I would've today, but I had company.

 

[Lightsage]

Well class today was okay. I didn't have has much time to talk with the theatre guy (let's call him... Bob) as I wanted though.

We got free time to work on our open-scenes for the last hour of class though and it was just him, two girls, my partner and I. Very interesting conversations took place.

"Bob" and his partner were thinking of ideas for their open-scene and one of them was someone calling a psychic hotline. He was joking around acting like the psychic and said, very seriously, multiple times that he'd willingly dress in drag again. Well now... All I need to do is find out for sure if he's gay or not.

Another interesting thing... I had jumped off the stage to get my bag from my seat when we were all leaving. He jumped off right behind and I had already moved out of the way. If I knew he did that I wouldn't have moved so soon...

I'm going to try and call my friend later on when I'm sure he isn't at work. Wish me luck!

 

[Lightsage]

Okay. So I forgot to call my friend yesterday. I went to a class and totally forgot about it.

Luckily, I got an email from him saying that he wasn't working for the next two days and that I could call him anytime.

I would have called after I read it but I wasn't in a place where talking was viable.

I'll be calling him tomorrow and hopefully I can tell him.

I'll give an update tomorrow night despite it looking like no one cares about my plight.

 

[martin6]

Nah I care-- I've just been silently stalking ya!

 

[Lightsage]

Nah I care-- I've just been silently stalking ya!

Another one?!?!

Yeah... I've had too many stalkers in the past...

If they hadn't gone away to different colleges though I might actually have a BF right now.

At least someone cares.

 

[Jerry]

Well good luck man. I guess I just don't see the urgency in telling your friend though. Do you guys ever see each other anymore? Like does he come to visit you or family or something?
I mean if that's what you feel you need to do then by all means go for it, but I don't get it. Why not just wait until you see him again and tell him in person?

I know I have a friend here and we've spent a few nights hanging out and talking until like 5am about anything and everything. I've thought about telling him that I'm bi, but I haven't done it yet. I may never tell him. But my situation is very different from yours, so I digress. I guess the point is if I was going to tell him, it'd be face to face on one of those nights where neither of us has anything to do but sit and talk to each other for hours, ya know?

You said you wanted to tell him in person, so why not?



As for the acting guy, I don't know what to tell you man. Seems to me like you're reaching a bit. Or a lot. I hang out with alot of straight guys and we make gay jokes (like acting like we're gay, not ripping on gays) all the time. I've seen totally straight guys dry hump in their underwear. Yeah, it happens.
I think you need to drop some hints and try to get some alone time with this guy to kind of feel him out more. Not only to see if he's gay, but to see if you really want to be with him.

 

[Lightsage]

Well good luck man. I guess I just don't see the urgency in telling your friend though. Do you guys ever see each other anymore? Like does he come to visit you or family or something?
I mean if that's what you feel you need to do then by all means go for it, but I don't get it. Why not just wait until you see him again and tell him in person?

I know I have a friend here and we've spent a few nights hanging out and talking until like 5am about anything and everything. I've thought about telling him that I'm bi, but I haven't done it yet. I may never tell him. But my situation is very different from yours, so I digress. I guess the point is if I was going to tell him, it'd be face to face on one of those nights where neither of us has anything to do but sit and talk to each other for hours, ya know?

You said you wanted to tell him in person, so why not?



As for the acting guy, I don't know what to tell you man. Seems to me like you're reaching a bit. Or a lot. I hang out with alot of straight guys and we make gay jokes (like acting like we're gay, not ripping on gays) all the time. I've seen totally straight guys dry hump in their underwear. Yeah, it happens.
I think you need to drop some hints and try to get some alone time with this guy to kind of feel him out more. Not only to see if he's gay, but to see if you really want to be with him.

The problem with my friend is that I don't know when the next time I'll see him in person will be. I haven't seen him for a year and a half now. He's like a brother to me, as I said before, and I think he deserves to know more than anyone else. I can't just wait until I see him again to tell him though. I don't want to have to wait another year or so to tell him. His work schedule is too busy for him to come back and visit anytime soon. I can't get up to him either without serious reprocussions. My theatre schedule doesn't allow for much free time even on weekends.

I can't put off telling him just because I want to say it to his face. It'll eat away at me too much. Especially since I talk to him on the phone as much as I do.

The acting guy? We're both theatre majors in a class with other theatre majors. Gay jokes are going to happen. Not a big deal. I grew up around psychology so reading people comes very easily to me. It really has nothing to do with stereotyping or general theatre cliché. It's based on psycho-analitical reasoning.

I have another chance to talk to him tomorrow in class. His shedule doesn't work with mine so getting alone time is sort of hard. Opportunities present themselves over and over. Theatre is a comfort zone for us so it's hard to not get to know him even around other people. I'll drop hints, he'll drop hints. We might not get anywhere for a while. Like you, I'd at least want him as a friend. I'm okay with working through it slowly whether I like that idea or not. Good things come to those who wait, right? If not sooner, then later. We have good on-stage chemistry so I'm likely to get paired with him when we get our scenes for finals.

Despite what I respond to any of you or what I bring up myself, I do appreciate the feedback. It really helps me think from different points of view. If I only thought one way I wouldn't get anything done.

 

[martin6]

The phrase "good things come to those who wait" is a cliche for a reason. Because it often works.

But in my experience, waiting for something to happen when instead you really need to take action to make it happen leads to nothing ever happening.

^Read that sentence twice, it makes sense after a couple run-throughs!

 

[Lightsage]

Well clichés aside...

I understood what the sentence meant the first time. I know that pushing things has never worked for me. It always goes horribly wrong.

That's why I'm taking a more subtle and relaxed approach. One good thing about theatre is that the material I need pops up continually. He sits right in front of me and when we take a break during class he always turns around and talks to me and the guy sitting next to me. Or I'll start the conversation with him depending.

I have a lot of patience so I can wait for the sure sign that he's gay.

But if he gets on stage and looks directly at me again like he has been doing the past few weeks I'm afraid my heart may not start again.

It would probably help if I there wasn't another person with my name in the class... Figures he'd be gay too... Dance major, talks about and to his bf before, after, and during class.

Not the point though. I ranted a bit there... I guess I'm just tired.

 

[Lightsage]

Lightsage - you're a scream. I love your style of posting and explaining yourself.

That's what I get for being a writer and theatre tech with extensive knowledge of psychology.

I get a kick out of myself too.

 

[Lightsage]

Gah! So I called my friend about three hours ago and he was busy watching a movie. He told me he'd call back and he hasn't yet.

I don't know if I should wait longer or call him again...

 

[Lightsage]

^^^ Any particular reason? Other than the obvious...

 

[Lightsage]

Good thoughts. Thanks. I wasn't planning on calling him back anyways. I've never called him back when he's done this before and I don't plan to change.

My mind's in too many places right now. I'm having trouble thinking as analytically and logically as I normally do. I blame mid-terms. They've got me a bit stressed.

 

[Lightsage]

I forgot about this...

Anyways, I'm tired of Bob so I decided to give up on dense little him.

Still haven't told the friend though.

All's right with the world for now. I think I'm going to hang around the student union tomorrow in between classes and see what happens.

Maybe I'll get lucky and not look like a serial killer waiting for my next victim...

 

[Lightsage]

Well I thought I'd revive this little thread seeing as how I've decided I want to come out to my family before Thanksgiving.

The only problem: How.

 

[Lightsage]

So I came out to my dad today (Thank you politics). And so far he's fine with it. They'll probably be something there later on though but, I'm sure we can work through it.

He did tell me that it's probably not a good idea to come out to the rest of the family just yet for previously stated reasons. He also showed concern for my health and well-being too. Still... That slightly ackward tension is annoying yet amusing at the same time.

I can start breathing again.