I Hurt So Much (I'm Sorry It's So Long)

[breatheH20]

This last year has been horrible for me, in every sort of way. Outside of my wonderful relationship with my boyfriend, it's been nothing but turmoil, mostly due to the relationship with my dad.

To give a little back story, I grew up in Germany, I'm half German and half black, and my dad was in the military. Yeah, so he's definitely a hard ass when it comes to things. I always thought otherwise until my mom passed away. I swear, he cried the last drop of emotion he had left out that day, because from then on, it was all to hell.

He then pulled a 180* and went to town on me and my brother, physically, mentally, and especially emotionally. He would constantly be on our case. Say things like "It seems like you get dumber as you get older" and things of that nature.

The moment I figured it out, that he wasn't the lovable guy I thought he was, that he had changed, was when I took Tae Kwon Do. I had ranked up in belts (white -> yellow), which means the test was a fight, and breaking a board in half with my hand. I did it..! Yay! After my test was over, and I received my belt, my dad told me something that broke my heart forever. He said "Boards don't hit back."

It crushed me, I was so proud of myself, and he managed to take 2 months of work and crush it into dust in 5 seconds.

From then on, there were similar things, constant bickering between him and my stepmother, him wailing on me, throwing me on back of a car once, punching my face 20 times in one evening, and even an instance where I fought him off of his gun, because he was saying he was going to shoot himself.

Then, I got out of high school, went on to college. And he still managed to get to me then.. So, last summer, I got hurt on the job, and I just casually told him about it in a conversation, not looking for sympathy or anything, and he just goes off on me, saying "Didn't I always tell you to get in shape? You lazy, you a fat-ass, and don't do nothing!" (which is ironic I should even care, since he's 300 lbs. himself).

It hurt, he always jumped on my case like that, managing to make my situations worse. If I was down about something, and coulda use a spirit lift, he would be right there to make me feel worse. Anyway, that day I decided to not take it anymore.

We talked on and off until August, and then I was trying to bury the hatchet and start fresh, he went off on me, so for once in my life I went off on him. I told him everything I felt for the last 8 years, how unappreciated I felt, for being by his side since my mother passed away, and how he's a complete fuckin' idiot for doing the things he does. It was harsh. He deserved it.

We didn't talk for 10 months.

In that time, my family managed to wiggle their way in and make things worse, telling me it was my fault and I had it coming to me (which at first they didn't, but as time went by, they changed their story). So, all they've been saying lately is apologize.

Well, my sophomore year of college just ended, I have a 2.6 GPA, I lost all my scholarships, and the only way I could continue college is I get loans and a couple other things. But I need a copy of his 1040 to do it.

So, I braved up, and called him this morning, carried a conversation, and told him I was sorry for how I said the things I said, but not for the actual things I said. They were true. This apology was supposed to benefit me, but I feel so horrible right now it's ridiculous.

He cried for about 10 seconds, and then persisted to do the things he always did, telling me what I need to do, telling me i need to get my shit together, and things of that sort..

Here's where he broke my heart again. He asked me did I have a girlfriend, I told him I was seeing someone, and then he yells at me for about a minute saying "I raised you better than that; you'll never bring another man in my house."

What's funny is his girlfriend's daughter is a lesbian, but he doesn't give a damn about her anyway.

So it cut me deep when he said that. I got off the phone with him, felt like things would be different. But they weren't. I told him I loved him, he said "Yup"..

I feel awful.. I did it so I could possibly stay in school, but I see now it wasn't worth it. I'm hurting so much now. Why would he do this to his own kid? Why would he want to treat the last remnants of his wife like this?

The stories can get longer but, I'll stop here... I just needed to vent... I would appreciate some comments.

I cut him off for 10 months because he was causing me extra stress, and now I let him back in.. I'm just hurting so much right now.... I haven't cried like this since my mom died.

 

[aceinwonderland]

Wow man, this is horrid. But when your in college it seems really hard to see life without incorrporating your partents into it. but I can tell you that they don't have to be there with you or even support you. There are many ways to survive and get by, even though they are really hard to do, like getting three or four jobs. I have been in a similar sitution, however I finally told my parents that I was seeing a guy and didn't talk or see them for a LOOOOONG time. Since that moment i have been supporting myself, but I did have to work around the clock to support myself.
But what helped me the most was my boyfriend. He was always by my side and made my situation funny with constant jokes and playfulness.
So my suggestion is to try and find a friend who is going to be there for you, it doesn't have to be a boyfriend, and do what you feel you can handle. Dad's can suck sometime or all the time. But it is usually in retaliation off how they are upset with their own life.
Keep strong man!

 

[Horschallen]

Certainly not a pleasant situation for you. There are options you can consider and select, and there are lots of resources available to see you through college and after. Best of luck and have a better life... for yourself.

 

[3nipples]

He sounds like a sad bastard. It's easy for me to tell you to drop him, because no matter what you do he will always find a way to berate you, but I know it's never that easy. There will always be some part of you that wants to try to make things work and to get his approval.

You don't mention your relationship with your brother except to suggest that he has suffered the same abuse. I hope you're both there for each other.

As for getting the 1040... I presume its a tax thing that tells the loans people that your Dad can't afford to pay your way... you won't be the only guy that isn't able to produce one. If you explain the situation I'm sure there's a way around it that doesn't require his cooperation. Good luck!

 

[breatheH20]

My brother's trying his best to hang in there too. He's in town visiting, so I'm gonna see him and hang out with him soon.

And you guys are right, he's miserable, sounded semi-suicidal... very much so actually.

I did drop him, and I probably wouldn't have called him had I not needed that form. I went to the IRS and talked to the Financial Office til I was blue in the face for months. There was nothing they could do. The IRS would have just sent the form to his house, and the FAO told me my circumstance isn't considered extreme. He would have had to died, been in jail, or in rehab for me to bypass their system.

It was my last resort, and as I was talking to him, I genuinely wanted to make things right again, but it didn't turn out that way. I feel a bit better, cried all I could, so my well is dry.


I just really wanted an honest relationship with him, where I could tell him everything, whether he liked it or not.. I don't know, that's the last time I say anything.

 

[bluedragon4]

That has to be the worst feeling in the world! I fought with my dad only once in my 34 years. He's only 20 years older than me so he's made a lot of mistakes but he always told me he loved me and he was proud of me and has always helped me out with money. I don't think I ever paid for a dinner or outing. My mom and dad are still together and actually live across the street from me and my bf. My parents have met and welcomed every bf I have had. And I have been around the block-lol. I really feel for you. It has to be so hard and you must feel so lost. Keep your chin up!

 

[3nipples]

This is not about having a fight with Dad. We're talking about a guy who has been mentally/emotionally abusing his kids for years.

Is there an advisor in your college that you could talk to about your financial situation? I still think there must be a way around a parent that refuses to cooperate.

This may not be on your immediate priority list, but at some point you should consider some counselling to help you understand/deal with the relationship with your Dad... depression, lack of self esteem and problems studying are typical results of the abuse you describe. If you think this could be your case, then take action.

 

[breatheH20]

Well, that's exactly what I'm going thru right now. You hit the nail on the head. Definitely depressed, can't stand myself, and my grades have taken a plunge. I was never the type to seek help, makes me feel uncomfortable, makes me think I'm crazy, or I'm seeking a solution to something I can solve myself.

Anyway, I talked to my dad yesterday (as noted), he's supposed to be sending me that form in the mail this week. We talked again today, for 50 minutes, and all he wanted to know was whether or not I had a girlfriend.

Luckily I had fabricated something with one of my friends (she already told me she was fine with saying we were dating) and he just went on and on and on and wanted to know everything. That's all he wanted to know, did I have a girlfriend? I was trying to talk to him about other stuff, how I learned how to play guitar, the major I decided on, but he would just change the subject back.

*sigh*.. I feel like a shitty boyfriend... I feel like I'm doing my boyfriend wrong :-(

 

[Horschallen]

Maybe he will be happier if you tell him that, in addition to having a girl friend, you major in gynecology? Or would that distract his attention to other subjects?

 

[KennyD]

I went thru a similar thing with my Father as I won't call him a "Dad" ... like they say .. any "Man" can be a "Father" ; BUT it takes a Special Man to be a "Dad".
I had not spoken to my Father in over 20 years when he died . I did not go to the funeral , nor did I cry . The world and I were better off without him ... No more physical and emotional abuse .
I truly sorry that you are going thru this ; but you seem to be a strong guy and I am sure that you will do very well without him ...

 

[BlueLantern]

Would you be offended if I said that I want your father to die of anal cancer?

Anyway, don't feel bad about him, you maybe feel bad that you don't have a good relationship with him, but it is all his fault not yours, I would say to use the guy when convenient and that is it. Don't feel bad because of your boyfriend either (I actually think it is kinda ridiculous), you wouldn't be the first gay guy to do something like this, and unfortunaly will not be the last.

 

[luminum]

It's because he's your dad that you keep letting you back in. It's because you're his son that he keeps acting like such an asshole.

Just give him time. He does care about you, sicne your apology meant a lot to him. But sadly, a child being gay isn't something that many peopel handle well or gracefully.

Give him some time to come around. He didn't disown you, he just said that you could never bring a guy home, meaning he doesn't want to aknowledge your sexuality. That's different than him not wanting to interact with you at all. To me, that says that he still loves you, thinks of you as his son,e tc., but is having a lot of trouble dealing with your sexuality.

It wasn't a happy coming out story, but I think it could have been much worse. This isn't any reason, in my opinion, for you to drop out of school. Call him back later and request the 1040. This will also give him an opportunity (one of many in the future, I advise) to talk to you and communicate since it seems like taking the intiative to resolve his relationship problems isn't his strong point.