I just had another earth shattering realization about myself

[Dominus]

Ever since I was a child, I have always been uncomfortable with the question "where are you from"? I never really knew why. Even as an adult in a professional setting, whenever someone asked "where are you from?", I always locked up for a moment before very uncomfortably say out loud my country of origin. I never knew why... until now.

So, a couple nights ago, I was playing overwatch with a bunch of gays. We were on a winning streak in silver shooting for gold placement. During one of the waiting time for a match, one of the guys said he noticed I had an accent and asked me where I was from? I locked up and unable to function. After a long pause, I forced myself to say my country of origin. I was stuttering and such. I guess I sounded uncomfortable enough because he said he was sorry he didn't mean anything by that.

Anyway, it forced me to really dig into my psyche to figure out what programmed me to act this way. And I finally figured it out!

So, my family immigrated here to the US as political refugees back in the early 90s. None of us spoke a single word of English. They threw me into an all English speaking school and I was forced to learn English on my own without any guidance or interpretation. Anyway, when I was finally able to communicate... let's back up for a moment. I was bullied endlessly by everybody. Even the nerds and other unpopular kids bullied me because I was the easiest target. I never fought back and I couldn't talk back. One way to get easy popularity points was to run up to me and punched me. Then run to the teacher or principal and told them I was punching and kicking other kids. Their friends would verify this. And since I couldn't say anything, I was automatically the kid that was punching and kicking other kids.

So, once I was able to communicate at any level, there was a new way to hurt me. They would ask me where are you from and as soon as I answered they would yell out hey everybody this guy is from XYZ! Everyone would break out in laughter pointing at me. In other words, the bullying had now evolved beyond physical. It was now psychological.

No, there was nothing wrong with where I was coming from. But I guess they had confided with each other to make me think there was something wrong with where I came from. And it worked, for a long time I really thought there was something horribly wrong about my answer. I know it sounds silly to you now, but at the time it affected me psychologically enough that now as a professional adult, a businessman, landlord, engineer, etc. I still struggle with this very simple question. Those goddamn bastards inadvertently programmed me to lock up and stutter with fear whenever someone asks this harmless question.

Anyway, now that I know the root cause of why I still struggle with this simple question, I guess I can work on not locking up and feel extremely uncomfortable with this question. I have an obvious Asian accent and I live in a red state red neck central. So this question comes up quite often.

 

[Peloso]

Good for you. But I'd say you still have a little ways to go. If you've come to terms with speaking aloud your heritage, why do you refer to it as "country of origin" and "XYZ" in your post?

I know firsthand the psychological damage bullying can do, and also about having issues with how you connect to your heritage. My birth parents were both Italian. They divorced when I was four and my mother married a Jew. She changed my name. She changed my name every time she remarried. I grew up in a bigoted neighborhood and at school the kids were all "Oh so you're a Jew now?"

Kids can be cruel, but that same kind of bigotry stings more when you're an adult amongst other adults who should know better.

 

[backagain]

Ever since I was a child, I have always been uncomfortable with the question "where are you from"? I never really knew why. Even as an adult in a professional setting, whenever someone asked "where are you from?", I always locked up for a moment before very uncomfortably say out loud my country of origin. I never knew why... until now.

So, a couple nights ago, I was playing overwatch with a bunch of gays. We were on a winning streak in silver shooting for gold placement. During one of the waiting time for a match, one of the guys said he noticed I had an accent and asked me where I was from? I locked up and unable to function. After a long pause, I forced myself to say my country of origin. I was stuttering and such. I guess I sounded uncomfortable enough because he said he was sorry he didn't mean anything by that.

Anyway, it forced me to really dig into my psyche to figure out what programmed me to act this way. And I finally figured it out!

So, my family immigrated here to the US as political refugees back in the early 90s. None of us spoke a single word of English. They threw me into an all English speaking school and I was forced to learn English on my own without any guidance or interpretation. Anyway, when I was finally able to communicate... let's back up for a moment. I was bullied endlessly by everybody. Even the nerds and other unpopular kids bullied me because I was the easiest target. I never fought back and I couldn't talk back. One way to get easy popularity points was to run up to me and punched me. Then run to the teacher or principal and told them I was punching and kicking other kids. Their friends would verify this. And since I couldn't say anything, I was automatically the kid that was punching and kicking other kids.

So, once I was able to communicate at any level, there was a new way to hurt me. They would ask me where are you from and as soon as I answered they would yell out hey everybody this guy is from XYZ! Everyone would break out in laughter pointing at me. In other words, the bullying had now evolved beyond physical. It was now psychological.

No, there was nothing wrong with where I was coming from. But I guess they had confided with each other to make me think there was something wrong with where I came from. And it worked, for a long time I really thought there was something horribly wrong about my answer. I know it sounds silly to you now, but at the time it affected me psychologically enough that now as a professional adult, a businessman, landlord, engineer, etc. I still struggle with this very simple question. Those goddamn bastards inadvertently programmed me to lock up and stutter with fear whenever someone asks this harmless question.

Anyway, now that I know the root cause of why I still struggle with this simple question, I guess I can work on not locking up and feel extremely uncomfortable with this question. I have an obvious Asian accent and I live in a red state red neck central. So this question comes up quite often.

You seem to have overcome that. You cannot live in the past. Don't let it haunt you.

 

[Dominus]

Good for you. But I'd say you still have a little ways to go. If you've come to terms with speaking aloud your heritage, why do you refer to it as "country of origin" and "XYZ" in your post?

I know firsthand the psychological damage bullying can do, and also about having issues with how you connect to your heritage. My birth parents were both Italian. They divorced when I was four and my mother married a Jew. She changed my name. She changed my name every time she remarried. I grew up in a bigoted neighborhood and at school the kids were all "Oh so you're a Jew now?"

Kids can be cruel, but that same kind of bigotry stings more when you're an adult amongst other adults who should know better.

Damn it. Why is it so hard to even type it out?

 

[backagain]

Damn it. Why is it so hard to even type it out?

It is deeply personal and painful. I am sorry to hear that you went through it alone.

 

[Peloso]

Damn it. Why is it so hard to even type it out?

I sometimes used to not correct people when they assumed I was Jewish because what I took away from my upbringing was that Italians are racist, fat, loudmouth, obnoxious boors. It's up to you to discover what it is that's holding you back.

For me, it was time. The older I got the more distanced I felt from the past, and the less of an issue it became. In fact, when I moved back to New York, after a disastrous stint at a LES apartment, I found a cheap one in Brooklyn only 12 blocks from where I grew up!

Bensonhurst is no longer predominantly Italian. There are still a lot of them, but it is mostly Asian now.

 

[backagain]

Damn it. Why is it so hard to even type it out?

Dominus

Don't miss the starting gun.

 

[EddMarkStarr]

Hey Dominus,

The "where are you from?", question has been a fixture my entire life - even to this day!
Like you, I was bullied as a child for my features and skin color. But after shooting past 6ft in height by middle school, that question became a source of entertainment for me.

"Are you: Arab, Indian, Mexican, Italian, and sometimes, Jewish?"!

There have been times when I was rollin' with laughter at the puzzled questions people have thrown at me.
Dad was born in Mississippi and Mom from South Carolina. Put them together and the son is an orthodox rabbi.

My physical size turned bullying into a lifetime of laughs.
However, it would be great to see people evolve. Too many centuries pass with people thinking like barnyard animals.

 

[Vannie]

Can someone please sum up this thread in a few sentences for me so don't have to read the entire thing. Thank you.

 

[unloadonme]

I apologise in advance for sounding like fab in this reply, but there can definitely be a racist angle to the question "Where are you from?". When someone asks me that (I'm white), I say "Birmingham". That can sometimes lead to a follow up question about where I was born or have lived previously on the basis that I don't sound like I'm from Birmingham, but generally nothing more is said. I've heard that black and brown people, often second or third generation British, when they answer the same question with "Birmingham" or whatever get asked much more often "No, where are you really from?" by which they mean which country. I don't know whether people who ask that question are being deliberately offensive or have a genuine interest in the person's antecedents. I imagine that must be even more common in the USA which is a nation of immigrants.

 

[rareboy]

I would answer Mars. Because men are from Mars.

 

[fabulouslyghetto]

I apologise in advance for sounding like fab

Don't apologize, it's a vast improvement from your usual babble.

 

[cabinfever]

Forgive me if I am missing something obvious but I don't understand or maybe am not familiar with any Asian country or nationality that would bring about shame or name calling. I do understand that kids will pick on anyone that is different if they are inclined to be bullies.

I do remember in the last couple of years there has been violence toward some Asians BECAUSE they are Asian but I again missed the "why?" factor or I just assumed it had something to do with the trump train since pitting people against each other is one of his favorite pastimes.

IMO - take it back and change the narrative so maybe you can heal from the experiences you have had. There is NOTHING "wrong" with where you or anyone else came from. Maybe start telling people before they even ask in conversation where you came from. If anyone has a problem with it or shames you that is about who they are and has nothing to do with you at all. In the end - if you aren't Native American all of our families and ancestors are immigrants anyway.

 

[Peloso]

I apologise in advance for sounding like fab in this reply, but there can definitely be a racist angle to the question "Where are you from?". When someone asks me that (I'm white), I say "Birmingham". That can sometimes lead to a follow up question about where I was born or have lived previously on the basis that I don't sound like I'm from Birmingham, but generally nothing more is said. I've heard that black and brown people, often second or third generation British, when they answer the same question with "Birmingham" or whatever get asked much more often "No, where are you really from?" by which they mean which country. I don't know whether people who ask that question are being deliberately offensive or have a genuine interest in the person's antecedents. I imagine that must be even more common in the USA which is a nation of immigrants.

Over here, "Where are you from?" is either friendly getting to know you banter or code for "We don't like your kind in these here parts."

 

[Kahaih]

It has been [only] my observation that 'Where are you from' is nothing more than an introduction to the asker rambling on about themselves and the crap they have discovered on ancestry dot bullshit.

It's like Monday morning 'How was your weekend'. They don't really give a shit, and they're not even listening to your reply, they're just bringing up the topic so they can go on about themselves.