I just need some advice on a guy

[Love_chair]

I will try to keep this short as possible. Ok I meet this guy on MySpace about a month ago, and we've been talking through phone, and messages ever since. We both are gay, he's 24 am 22, we both really like each other alot. He said he would like to have a relationship with me, and I told him the same, and btw he lives about a hour away from me, we haven't meet in person yet, we've just seen pictures and stuff....Am really hung up on this guy I really like him alot, and I know a month isn't very long. But we have so much in common, and we have great chemistry, we just clicked I guess. I've never been in a relationship before not ever, so this whole thing is kinda new to me.

But there's this one big fact about him that I just can't get over, and I don't really like. See I consider myself to be a very serious health freak, I don't drink(never been drunk before, and I never will be), and I don't smoke(I hate cigarettes, it's such a disgusting thing). Which brings me to my point this guy I like he drinks, but I don't care about that because am willing to over look that. But he also smokes, which is something that totally turns me off in a guy, and I always told myself that I would never date anyone that smokes. But here comes this guy that I like alot, but the smoking thing is tearing me apart. I told him how I felt, and he even told me that he's willing to try and quit smoking for me, which of course made me happy.

But am still confused I don't know what to do. Should I just continue with it and see how it turns out?, or should I break it off because of his bad unhealthy choices?.....Thanks in advance for all the help.

 

[KaraBulut]

There are a lot of compromises in relationships. This will one for you. Perhaps it will be for him, too.

Give it a shot. If it works out and it becomes serious, tell him about your feelings about smoking- or better yet, try to get him as interested in health and fitness as you are.

 

[Captain53]

I had the same issues in trying to find someone to have a relationship with. My main issue was alcohol. As a recovering alcoholic, I was very concerned with dating someone who was a social drinker, or drank at any level. Fortunately, I have met someone who is in recovery. Also, we are now both trying to kick the tobacco habit. If these issues bother you that much, you may need to take a close look at what you are getting into.

Having said that, I also believe that love can overlook these things.

 

[G-Lexington]

It's too early in the game to decide to keep or dump him. Meet him, talk with him, be in his presence as he smokes, and THEN start forming an opinion.

Lex

 

[ibill1]

You can't possibly make any rational decisions about this guy until you actually meet him. Trying to form opinions about someone through emails, chats, and phone conversations just doesn't do it. Once you guys have spent some time together, you'll be able to decide what direction to proceed. This human one on one contact is vital, in my opinion.

 

[TX-Beau]

Yeah, don't you think it's a little early to be considering a commitment to someone you haven't even met yet?

 

[trikky]

we all have our good and bad points and making compromises cuts both ways. But like one of the other guys said his smoking is something that can change if you click and get him interested in health.

 

[Love_chair]

First, thank you all for the great advice. I think am gonna continue on with this guy, and meet him like most of you suggested, and just see how things turn out. After all it is kinda tricky to know how you would actually feel about someone, until you meet them so I can understand that. I am gonna be completely honest with him about how I feel about his smoking. And that I care a great deal about health, and being healthy in general. I hope like some of you have said that I can get him as interested in health as I am. I just hope that statement he made about quiting smoking was truthful, and that he's actually gonna try. It would be extremely difficult for me to be in a serious relationship with a guy that smokes, I just don't think I could, smoking is a HUGE no no for me. But I guess like they say time will tell all. And am just gonna cross my fingers, and hope for the best.

Thanks.

 

[boiseboy]

Well if you cant hang up on how smoking turns you off, then you probably lost a great guy. Open your mind, he could be doing something a lot worse.

He shouldn't have to quit because of someone he hasnt even met yet. Some other guy with a more open mind will get him instead of you, and that'll be your problem. You obviously dont "like" this guy enough.

 

[LonelyFace]

I feel the same way about people who smoke and/or drink.

He says he'd make an attempt to quit for you. Try getting him to take nicotine gum.
I was at Kaiser the other day getting a Rx refill and I saw a box of nicotine gum on the counter behind the woman who was helping me and (after I asked her what an enema was, cause it was right next to the nicotine gum) I asked her how it worked, cause I didn't get it.
She told me that she didn't really know herself, but her boyfriend had been a tobacco chewer for like 10 years or something and after going through ONE box of nicotine gum, he kicked the habit completely.

I thought that anecdote might help you in some way...

 

[ibill1]

First, thank you all for the great advice. I think am gonna continue on with this guy, and meet him like most of you suggested, and just see how things turn out. After all it is kinda tricky to know how you would actually feel about someone, until you meet them so I can understand that. I am gonna be completely honest with him about how I feel about his smoking. And that I care a great deal about health, and being healthy in general. I hope like some of you have said that I can get him as interested in health as I am. I just hope that statement he made about quiting smoking was truthful, and that he's actually gonna try. It would be extremely difficult for me to be in a serious relationship with a guy that smokes, I just don't think I could, smoking is a HUGE no no for me. But I guess like they say time will tell all. And am just gonna cross my fingers, and hope for the best.

Thanks.

Well, this would be true unless you fall in love with this guy. I'm speaking from my own experience, but we don't usually fall in love because someone does or does not smoke, drink etc. Don't think it can't happen. I fell in love the moment I saw my Steve and I was only 17. I know, people say there is no such thing as love at first sight, believe me, there is. From that moment on, no matter what habits he had that would have have bothered me, it wouldn't have mattered. Nothing, and I mean nothing, would have kept me from him, and it didn't. About 20 yrs into our relationship he put on a considerable amount of weight. My love for him never waivered. It was hard, but we worked hard and he lost the weight. If you can, go into this with an open mind, accepting of his faults with the knowledge that if you decide you really like this guy, it will be well worth the effort to find someone to have a relationship with and possibly fall in love. It's a wonderful thing.

 

[breatheH20]

At this point, it's way too early to be compromising on either end. If he smokes, that's his decision. Can you deal with it is a bigger question?

You obviously like him quite a bit. Save the deep stuff for further down the road. If you two end up forming a relationship, these issues can come up then.

 

[Love_chair]

Well, this would be true unless you fall in love with this guy. I'm speaking from my own experience, but we don't usually fall in love because someone does or does not smoke, drink etc. Don't think it can't happen. I fell in love the moment I saw my Steve and I was only 17. I know, people say there is no such thing as love at first sight, believe me, there is. From that moment on, no matter what habits he had that would have have bothered me, it wouldn't have mattered. Nothing, and I mean nothing, would have kept me from him, and it didn't. About 20 yrs into our relationship he put on a considerable amount of weight. My love for him never waivered. It was hard, but we worked hard and he lost the weight. If you can, go into this with an open mind, accepting of his faults with the knowledge that if you decide you really like this guy, it will be well worth the effort to find someone to have a relationship with and possibly fall in love. It's a wonderful thing.

Hi Bill, thanks for this wonderful story. You make a good point. I guess if there's love nothing else would really matter. I personally wouldn't know what love is, since I've never been in love before. But maybe one of these days I'll get to experience it. Maybe with this guy, or somebody else. Then I guess I would be able to completely understand. But you're right, it does sound like such a wonderful thing.

At this point, it's way too early to be compromising on either end. If he smokes, that's his decision. Can you deal with it is a bigger question?

You obviously like him quite a bit. Save the deep stuff for further down the road. If you two end up forming a relationship, these issues can come up then.

To answer you're question, can I deal with it. Well that is kinda a tricky one, as much as I don't like smoking. I think when we meet face to face and starting hanging out, I guess it will depend on how deep a connection we have. I know I like him alot. But like one of the other posters said one on one contact is vital in determining what direction to proceed. But if I like him enough, then I could probably come to deal with anything he does. But I guess that is kinda a unanswered question, just like there are many unanswered questions LOL. But like you said it is way to early. And better to save the more complicated stuff later, and I will cross those bridges when I get there.

I feel the same way about people who smoke and/or drink.

He says he'd make an attempt to quit for you. Try getting him to take nicotine gum.
I was at Kaiser the other day getting a Rx refill and I saw a box of nicotine gum on the counter behind the woman who was helping me and (after I asked her what an enema was, cause it was right next to the nicotine gum) I asked her how it worked, cause I didn't get it.
She told me that she didn't really know herself, but her boyfriend had been a tobacco chewer for like 10 years or something and after going through ONE box of nicotine gum, he kicked the habit completely.

I thought that anecdote might help you in some way...

It is amazing her boyfriend was able to quit just after one box WOW. But thanks for this little tip, I'll keep it in mind for sure.