I kind of hate my relationship..

[wastedtime]

You need to TALK to him. Tell him everything you put in this post. Find out why he is not making the moves in his life that you thought he would. Were these things you had discussed together?

If you feel you are busting your ass and he is waiting for you to take care of him, then do not move in together. You say you fear he will drop everything and come to you, but it doesn't sound like he has a lot to drop.

Again, talk to him. Let him know that for this to work you need to see some effort from him.

 

[rareboy]

You're not happy.

If you're not happy, ain't nobody gonna be happy.

End it.

Deal with the hurt.

Tell him to do the same.

Move on.

 

[bankside]

You've been stuck in this feeling for a while...i remember you posting about it before....sorry it hasn't turned around already.

The thing is, it sounds like you can see how to fix everything and love your relationship, but everything idea you come up with is somehow just out of reach.

Having faith in someone for seven months isn't too much to ask in a serious relationship, but faith in him isn't enough to be honest. He can't plan to just stay in a small town far away from you with no prospects and hope that something changes.

Also, I don't think you can necessarily hold back because of his anxiety or depression. Managing that kind of stuff can be a lifelong effort, so having a life means dealing with life anyway.

If you need him to be near you in order to have a clean shot at a happy relationship, and if it makes more sense for him to move near you than the other way around, then tell him. He has to figure out a way to make it happen. If he doesn't know how, he can ask you about it. He can count on your help to make it happen, but he has to figure it out. That's the only thing I can think of that will unblock the situation.

 

[wastedtime]

Problem is we've talked it out. I don't tell him my frustrations too much (though I do let him know I'm frustrated and unhappy) because like me, he's had problems with really bad depression and anxiety.. and there's not much he can do at the moment. I don't want to make his situation even worse by complaining.
Yet you are willing to make your own situation worse. This doesn't set a real good precident for a relationship.
He told me he's trying and applying to every job. He lives in a very small town where I'm guessing there are hardly any job opportunities. So I think the effort is there...You did not mention this in your first post. I would counter with seven months is a LONG time. Even if there are few opportunities there, it still sounds like he is waiting for you to "help" him. Again not a good precident.

I would love him to drop everything and come to me if I had a place.. but I'm in a dorm right now. And then i'm moving back with my parents in New Jersey until I have a stable job.
He only asks that I have faith in him.. but with him no closer to being here than he was 7 months ago, that's a really hard task. What makes it harder is that he tells me I'm the only bright spot in his life right now.. I feel like that puts me in an even harder spot

This is not helping himself, it is manipulation (maybe not intentional on his part but still manipulation). You are responsible for your own happiness as he is his. Putting the weight of his issues on you is not fair to either of you. He needs to deal with his issues, before he can be in a fair relationship with someone else. I think you see that, but your feelings for him are holding you back from pushing him. And in the meantime you are sacrificing your own happiness.

 

[altlover85]

The plan (i thought at first) was that he would save up enough money to move back to New York..and then we could move in together after i finished school. Turns out the plan was actually to wait until I finish this spring semester and then he'll move to New York/New Jersey with me once we find a place.
However, it's almost April and he has no money whatsoever.... I feel a lot of pressure that I have to get a job and get an apartment so he can move here.. and I'm not even sure I want to move in together at this point until we prove we can coexist.

Why did the plan change?

 

[altlover85]

Problem is we've talked it out. I don't tell him my frustrations too much (though I do let him know I'm frustrated and unhappy) because like me, he's had problems with really bad depression and anxiety.. and there's not much he can do at the moment. I don't want to make his situation even worse by complaining.

If you're going to be living together you need to be able to talk to each other, regardless of his depression.

He told me he's trying and applying to every job. He lives in a very small town where I'm guessing there are hardly any job opportunities. So I think the effort is there...

Is he looking for a job in New York? Can he do an internship?

I would love him to drop everything and come to me if I had a place.. but I'm in a dorm right now. And then i'm moving back with my parents in New Jersey until I have a stable job.
He only asks that I have faith in him.. but with him no closer to being here than he was 7 months ago, that's a really hard task. What makes it harder is that he tells me I'm the only bright spot in his life right now.. I feel like that puts me in an even harder spot

Is he updating his resume? Changing it (even slightly) for every job he applies to? Has he had anyone look over his resume? Your resume and cover letter play a big part in whether or not you get jobs. It's not just about applying everyday, but applying in a quality way. It's quality, not just quantity.

 

[Seasoned]

The truth of the matter is that he is not trying really hard. He may be depressed, but he needs to sort out his life, meaning aspirations and the means of making that happen. As it is now you are enabling him and that is one reason why he grows less attractive to you. You do not want to be in the position of subsidizing and being his sole emotional support for the long term. A relationship is not missionary work, nor is it a half-way house. I know that sounds cold but our first responsibility is to ourselves. You're doing yourself a disservice if you are setting yourself up for continued unhappiness.

Right now he has little incentive seeing he has a roof over his head, food, occasional trips to the city, sex and a boyfriend. What is going to change that will be incentive for him to be a contributor? Once he moves in with you you will have signed on to be his caretaker.

I wish you both well.

 

[NineOfClubs]

I agree with soreknees and so many of the others.

It just seems to me that if he really wanted to be with you, he'd work a lot harder, on his own, to make that happen.

Why does all the effort have to come from your direction?

 

[bankside]

It sometimes helps to imagine a future without someone in order to make clear to yourself what you need to enjoy the future with someone.

Don't feel bad or disloyal or anything from having these thoughts in your head. It's helping you to understand what your relationship has to look like in order for you to be at peace with it and enjoy it. You have a few clear ideas, and they are all things he can do something about if he tries over the next few months.

That means you're not asking anything unfair. You both get to find your way forward, and you've left hope that it will be together.

 

[altlover85]

But I try not to judge and I know everyone isn't the same. He kept making the point last night that he's doing everything he can.. and he said that effort should be worth something. It was almost like he was defending himself.

Do you know what kind of jobs he's applying to? What are his skills?

But everything you guys are saying is like everything I have been thinking in the back of my head. It's easy for him in the middle of nowhere to have someone in the city. First, there's not many dating (or sexual) prospects there.. and without a car, you're kind of stuck anyway.
Meanwhile, I'm in New York City.. yet I'm deprived of the sexual, physical and emotional connection that I'd like to have with me more than twice a month.

Did you mean it's not easy for him in the middle of nowhere to have someone in the city?

Ugh.. needed to vent. So I think if I can.. I will wait until I move out of dorms in May back to New Jersey. I'll stop paying for his trips to see me (yes, I've been paying his train and subway fares the last few times since he has no income) and I'll see what he does to make this relationship work. If it's not working by then, i'll just have to make a clean break and move on with my life.

How is he supporting himself now?

 

[altlover85]

Ah, I got it. I misunderstood the whole city thing.

Where do you think he should live? Does he know anyone besides you in the city?

Is he getting any income in at all?

I can't imagine many people are clamoring to hire someone with some college but no degree. Perhaps he'd be better off leaving it off his resume.

When was the last time he worked? How old is he?

 

[altlover85]

he's 26, and yea he has some friends here. He is getting zero income although he was doing some work for his dad during the fall and a bit during the winter and he got some income that way.

And yea, he's not applying for an office job or anything.. he just has to take what he can get.

Last official job he had was last spring in New York.

I can't do a long-distance relationship long-term and he knows that. So I would like for him to live somewhere that would allow me to see him whenever I wanted.
If he was currently working and saving to move to New York or New Jersey with me, I think i'd be okay. He could also pay to visit me. But he hasn't gotten a job and it's almost April. Realistically, it's hard for me to believe he'll find a job and everything will be A-OK, but I'm trying to keep the faith. Actually trying not to think about it too much lol

Well if he has some reasonably close friends there, then he should try and get in touch with them. Are they mutual friends of yours?

I'm assuming you've told him you are near breaking point. If not, sit him down, have a talk, tell him you're going to walk soon if he doesn't find a way to make it NYC. People live on credit cards and things like that, so if he has to do that to make it work, then so be it.

You've done what you can.

Good luck and I hope it works out well for you two, but more importantly, for you either way.

 

[Seasoned]

The thing is.. how do I know he's not trying really hard? I really want to believe that he is trying.

On the other hand, I have some friends who managed to move to New York with little to no money, couch surfing or staying with friends here or there until they scraped together enough.
I'm the kind of person who.. if I want something to happen, I'm not going to wait for it, I'm going to do whatever possible to make it happen.

Another thing is when I plan on applying for jobs, I don't plan on waiting around for an answer.. I feel like I should be enriching myself somehow.. whether it's reading, following news, doing volunteer work, working out.. and he's kind of doing nothing. I think that is another reason he's becoming less attractive... I can't relate to staying at home every day watching tv. I know he hates it.. but he hasn't changed it.

But I try not to judge and I know everyone isn't the same. He kept making the point last night that he's doing everything he can.. and he said that effort should be worth something. It was almost like he was defending himself.

But everything you guys are saying is like everything I have been thinking in the back of my head. It's easy for him in the middle of nowhere to have someone in the city. First, there's not many dating (or sexual) prospects there.. and without a car, you're kind of stuck anyway.
Meanwhile, I'm in New York City.. yet I'm deprived of the sexual, physical and emotional connection that I'd like to have with me more than twice a month.

Ugh.. needed to vent. So I think if I can.. I will wait until I move out of dorms in May back to New Jersey. I'll stop paying for his trips to see me (yes, I've been paying his train and subway fares the last few times since he has no income) and I'll see what he does to make this relationship work. If it's not working by then, i'll just have to make a clean break and move on with my life.

Please don't lose sight of what you wrote here. Feeling sorry for someone shouldn't be a chronic condition unless it's the man or lady down the block with no legs. The minute that man or lady is a loved one the feeling sorry part ought to be short-lived. Pity does not a relationship make. It sets one person up as victim and dependent and the other as whole, complete and superior. When it comes to the lady down the block, I'd call occasionally and bring her things occasionally and even tell her to call if she needed anything. In all likelihood, she call very infrequently or not at all. Make that same lady a loved one we are living with and make her the same offer. What happens? Eventually, we end up with no life and nothing to look forward to except death, theirs or ours.

Now, I'm not saying to be cruel or neglectful, but if the only thing a person is capable of doing is lifting a spoon to their mouth we have no business doing it for them even if they ask or beg. Tough love is named that because it is tough on us.

Now, if you want to subsidize him while he is in school, provided he stays in school and gets any ole shit part time job that may be another story, but there has to be a clear understanding that it's good-bye if he doesn't follow through.

You are a good, kind man and you're in a pickle. The last thing you need is to hunch your shoulders more and to smile less with each passing day.

 

[KaraBulut]

I do love him.. but I really can't stand this situation. Not only that, but he's becoming less attractive in my eyes with every week.. he's not in as good shape as he was.. which would be fine, but every time he visit for a few days, we get into a little argument at some point and after a few days I can't wait for him to leave. i guess my point with that is that I'm finding these annoying little qualities about him that are tarnishing his image... and I'm beginning to question his drive and motivation. I believe he's trying really hard.. but I think it's natural to get frustrated when I'm busting my ass trying to finish college with 19 credits this semester while he is hanging out at his brother's place with nothing to do.

I wanted to show you something that you may have forgotten:

http://www.justusboys.com/forum/showthread.php?t=291332

Around this time last year, you were going through a period of feeling low and the situation with your boyfriend wasn't satisfying your need for companionship, sex and... well, just time together.

Part of this is probably your own ups and downs and the stress of college, living in the big city and just being you.

But it's been a year. The economy has gotten better. Your boyfriend's situation hasn't gotten better.

If, a year later, you were posting that your boyfriend had gotten a great job in Connecticut, had his life together, had paid off his debts and wanted you to move to Connecticut, we would probably be telling you to follow your heart.

But since you are posting that the situation hasn't gotten better, he's still unemployed and he hasn't made significant progress on getting his shit together, then it's time to begin following your head.

Your boyfriend isn't doing much to create a future for himself. And until he has a future for himself, there won't be a future for the two of you.

It's a cruel reality but once you graduate, you may begin to resent him more and more because his inability to get his act together is going to hold you back. At some point, you're going to have to make a decision whether you want to be with someone who won't or can't get it together... and someone who very well may prevent you from acheiving the things that you want to acheive.

 

[bankside]

All I can say is think about 3 or 4 months from now. You're not willing to keep being stuck in this holding pattern, and I don't think it would be healthy or necessary. So let's assume that's out of the question.

So, which gives you a bigger sigh of relief? Letting him go with a free heart for you each to separately explore the paths that your futures hold? Or picturing yourself at his side as he cashes his first paycheque and puts a deposit down on an apartment near you?

You don't have to answer that until you know the answer, but I think those are the choices.

 

[mpdan]

You have only six weeks of school left. Six weeks and 19 hard credits and you will reach a well deserved and hard fought milestone. This is the only thing you should be concentrating on. Put him in the far corner of your mind and when you start thinking of him slam the imaginary door shut.

Upon graduation enjoy the party with your friends and family. Hopefully he will join you, that is if (and only if) he is excited and proud of you.

Finally, when you return to mom's, pull out all your lists: where to live, where to work, who to live with and where. Then you can open the door to the relationship; scribble it onto your list and decide what is best for YOU.

Now focus on that degree and don't look back. We're rootin' for you.

 

[altlover85]

I think a break makes sense to take a break. If you two get back together, I would ask him why he didn't take your advice when you'd suggested it before. Do it in a nice way though. I think it's important to know why he rejected your advice.

I know I would want to know.

 

[MarquisOrias]

he told me that his friend found a job he can apply for in NYC and that if he gets an interview he can stay with her for a bit or possibly stay with his cousin in the city until he gets on his feet.

This should be good news right? Instead I felt VERY upset. Of course I tried to hide it, but inside I was burning. First, I suggested such an idea to him MONTHS ago and brought it up several times. I asked him if he could apply for a job in the city and if there was anyone he could stay with. Each time he rejected the idea. Secondly, I feel like this puts me in limbo for more weeks.. maybe even months.

Congratulations! You have gained a valuable life lesson : Many people in this world can only learn from conjuring the idea up all on their own.

I sadly have many people in my life like this, my uncles, my boss, my sister. Anything I suggest to them is immediately dismissed, only for them to somehow do it on their own because they got an idea (always they don't know how they got the idea) and it's so great!

Many times I'd argue with people at that point, but here is actually the time where you must swallow your pride and say "Wow that's very cool of you ". Yes, allow them to think they thought of that idea on their own rather than them subconciously remembering what you said. The end result is the same, you just don't get the satisfaction of directly helping, worthy tradeoff!

So I think it's clear now. I think I owe it to myself to take a "break" or just break up. Unexpectedly I'm kind of doing shitty in school right now and I don't want this hanging over my head either. I deserve to just focus on myself

Nah you don't need to break up dude. Go drive somewhere remote and just scream your lungs out. Do something wild, let off steam. What's happening to you is you're feeling pressure to be the Alpha of this relationship. Keep this up without letting steam off and you will just start imploding. Find some friends, hang with them, talk to someone in real life on how you're feeling, just get it off your chest and once your boyfriend starts his life up again you'll remember exactly why you loved him.

Let go of control, and be happy

 

[bankside]

Sorry to hear the news, but I hope it provides some peace of mind and clarity.

 

[asu1117]

It sounds like he's a leach and you'll be much better off without him. And that last stuff he was saying.. Sounds like he was doing anything he could to make you feel bad.



I hope you feel better soon and find a guy worth your time.