I Know I Should Move On

[freeoxme]

Hey guys. Been a member of this site for quite some time and always enjoy reading the advice that’s given. I guess I’m using this post as a means to vent some frustration with my current situation. It’s my only source of outlet to communicate with others about the gay aspect of my life. My career doesn’t allow me to be open and honest and I have to be discrete.

Anyway, back to the initial purpose of this post, I recently met a guy online who is in the same profession as I am. We decided to exchange numbers and meet up after only a couple hours of chatting; a first for me since it usually takes a few days to give out my number yet alone meet someone off online. Guess I decided to step out of my comfort zone. So we met up over a dinner and had an awesome conversation, no awkward silence or visible nervousness between the two of us. After dinner we walked around downtown and went to a bar for a few drinks. Overall, it was a good time and we both acknowledge to enjoying each other’s company.

He’s currently in training and doesn’t have much free time which I completely understand. The problem is whenever I send him a text; I rarely get a response back. I took that as a hint and decided I wasn’t going to initiate conversation and leave it up to him. He has sent a few texts within the last couple of weeks. And I reply back. Well he sends me a text last week telling me he was going to get back to my city soon and asking how I was doing; I replied back and yet again I got no response. I decided to give it a few days and called and left a message, again no response. I see him online this weekend and send him a message saying hi, he doesn’t reply back to my message which I know he read.

Why send me a text telling me your coming back to visit soon and asking how I’m doing, yet you ignore me when I attempt to converse with you? This is beyond frustrating I will point out that all I’ve been looking for was friendship out of this. When we departed ways that night, we both said how we can use a new friend. We had a lot in common and it was finally nice to meet someone who has shared similar experiences in life. I’m really trying to come out of my shell but situations like this make it very difficult.

I know I should just move on and count it as a loss, but it’s hard. My feelings are a little hurt. And this just doesn’t make any sense to me.

Thanks for listening

 

[altlover85]

I'm sorry that this happened to you.

Hey guys. Been a member of this site for quite some time and always enjoy reading the advice that’s given. I guess I’m using this post as a means to vent some frustration with my current situation. It’s my only source of outlet to communicate with others about the gay aspect of my life. My career doesn’t allow me to be open and honest and I have to be discrete.

Do you have friends or family that you can talk to?

As far as this guy goes, I'm not sure why he acted the way he did, but at least now you know he's not worth wasting time on. Guys can be really strange and sometimes either they don't know what they want or they know what they want, but don't want to tell you.

 

[freeoxme]

Thanks altlover85...Majority of my friends are straight and are in the same profession as I am. I probably need to enlarge my circle of friends, I know.

I can’t really talk to my family about it due to the conservative upbringing and disapproval I know I will hear from them. I was actually pretty depressed this weekend because I didn’t have anyone who I felt I could turn to.

 

[altlover85]

Thanks altlover85...Majority of my friends are straight and are in the same profession as I am. I probably need to enlarge my circle of friends, I know.

I can’t really talk to my family about it due to the conservative upbringing and disapproval I know I will hear from them. I was actually pretty depressed this weekend because I didn’t have anyone who I felt I could turn to.

You're welcome, freeoxme.

Now you know you what you need to work on next. Expanding your friend circle, which may also help you find a boyfriend. I know that's easier said than done, but I think it will help you a lot.

 

[freeoxme]

Yea, that's what I thought I was doing here and look where it got me.

 

[SteveyBoyLA]

Hmm. I wouldn't give up on him just yet. Looks like a lot of your friends are straight, so expanding your friends to include gay men who understand you and (as you say) "turn to" is something I can relate to. However, establishing new gay friends is probably going to take some time because this is new to you. Slow down and take your time. Since you had an awesome conversation with your on-line buddy, he may be worth the wait. Friendships can take months to develop, so don't presume this is over. If he is new to this "gay relationship" thing like you, it may take him some time to be a buddy.

By the way, good for you and him for not jumping in the sack right off the bat. Sex partners are easy to find, friends are not.

 

[Atzesp]

I'm also sorry that this happened to you.

But try not to take it too personal. In my gay life, I have met many, many guys who acted like this - I still don't know what's the point for some of them. Some have told me that they were afraid to fall in love and not be reciprocated; Some alleged only too much work - which time proved to be true, since things got along fine later; some others were simply jerks, indeed.

But it caught my attention that one of the first things you told was that he is at the same profession as you. Can't it be possible that he shares the same fears you have? Maybe he is afraid that both of you might have some friend in common or something like that. Maybe he is afraid that people may see you together for some times and then start wondering about whether you are gay or not. It's hard to tell, as you see: as long as he doesn't say anything to you, we all are in the possibilities field. We can't assure anything.

Anyway, was also the fact that you two have the same professions determinant for this friendship? I mean, did you get interested in befriending him only due to this? Do you think that a guy with some other profession wouldn't be able to understand you as good as he possibly would?

So, take some time and see what it will turn out to be. Don't put too much pressure on the whole thing, although I know that you might be feeling hurt. In the end, this too shall pass.

 

[HunterM]

From my experience in making friends in a new city, there are plenty of indecisive people out there...straights and gays, men and women. Good friends are hard to find...period. Keep making new friends.

Think of your friends like your portfolio of stock investment. If you only own one stock and that stock is going down in price, then you will be heartbroken. However, if you own 5 stocks and 2 went down in price while the other 3 are going up in price, then you wouldn't take the loss that personal.

If he does text you back, then reply back to him. But take it at face value and don't read too much into it. When you guys meet up face to face the next time, you could bring up this topic and ask, "Is everything ok with you?" with the focus on him and that you are converned for his well being. Give him a chance to explain his side of the story. There may be a family tragedy on his side...or he is in a relationship with someone else...or whatever.

In the meantime, keep making new friends and build up that portfolio!

 

[altlover85]

Yea, that's what I thought I was doing here and look where it got me.

As others have said, just because it didn't work with this guy, doesn't mean you can't try and be friends with someone ele. I'm pretty sure thing will work out with time.

 

[freeoxme]

I'm also sorry that this happened to you.

But try not to take it too personal. In my gay life, I have met many, many guys who acted like this - I still don't know what's the point for some of them. Some have told me that they were afraid to fall in love and not be reciprocated; Some alleged only too much work - which time proved to be true, since things got along fine later; some others were simply jerks, indeed.

But it caught my attention that one of the first things you told was that he is at the same profession as you. Can't it be possible that he shares the same fears you have? Maybe he is afraid that both of you might have some friend in common or something like that. Maybe he is afraid that people may see you together for some times and then start wondering about whether you are gay or not. It's hard to tell, as you see: as long as he doesn't say anything to you, we all are in the possibilities field. We can't assure anything.

Anyway, was also the fact that you two have the same professions determinant for this friendship? I mean, did you get interested in befriending him only due to this? Do you think that a guy with some other profession wouldn't be able to understand you as good as he possibly would?

So, take some time and see what it will turn out to be. Don't put too much pressure on the whole thing, although I know that you might be feeling hurt. In the end, this too shall pass.

Thanks for the reply. I don’t think we share any fears. We openly discussed past relationships we had with guys over dinner and during our walk around the city. I’m sure he initiated conversation with me online because he saw I had a similar background / profession (i.e. military). That is how the conversation started and it just when from there. He said he felt comfortable exchanging numbers and meeting another military officer and if you couldn’t trust another officer, who could you trust. We talked about our similar experiences being in the military and learned with had other similar interest outside the military as well. I think since we do share a similar background, there is the sense of understanding there. And maybe that’s why I was looking forward to getting to know him.

 

[Georgiadude]

I've had this happen a couple of times. I've decided if it happens again I'm just going to cut my losses early and not bother with it. I only end up getting hurt and depressed. My advice is to give him a taste of his own medicine. Next time he texts don't reply or if you do, don't do it right away. respond later in the day or even the next day. Let him see how it feels to be treated like that. The guy sounds like a jerk and probably doesn't know what he wants. He's probably struggling with the idea of being gay or getting too close. who knows?

Like others have said. expand your circle of friends. there are plenty of guys out there. You came across someone that is either playing games with people or doesn't know what he wants. Either way I'd cut him loose and move on. Your only going to waist your time and get hurt more.

sorry this has happened to you. Like I said. I've had it happen a couple of times and it hurts. It's confusing and happens to a lot of guys. Your not alone. Just don't let it continue. You will find someone that will make you happy. It takes time and effort. Nothing good comes easy.

I wish you nothing but the best.

Steven.

 

[freeoxme]

I guess it's only right for me to provide an update to my previous thread

Well the guy I met online who I thought was ignoring me invited me out to dinner tonight since he was in town from returning a friend to the airport. A few weeks back, I sent him a message letting him know the whole situation was puzzling to me and wasn’t understanding why he was ignoring me. He replied back telling me that he is super busy and doesn’t have much time for himself yet alone someone else. He also told me he was notoriously bad for keeping up communication with other people. I replied back with a simple “It’s cool. Hope all is well with you”.

So I received a text this evening from him letting me know he was in town and asking if I wanted to grab dinner. A part of me wanted to just ignore the text and another part wanted me to reply back. I chose the latter. He comes by the house to pick me up and we go to one of the local restaurants. I think the conversation picked up from where it left off last time. And we seemed to enjoy each other’s company…I like to think so at least. I know I enjoyed his company.

He’s currently undergoing intense training and doesn’t get much free time off. The time he does get off (on weekends) is usually spent studying. He told me how he is starting to feeling lonely and would like to find someone who he finds attractive to spend some quality time with; someone more than just a friend. I told him I know exactly what he means. I think he’s an attractive guy and is like my ideal guy from what I know of him. Unfortunately I’m not the most forward type and I can’t remember the last time I made the first move. I don’t know if he finds me attractive either. So I don’t want to deal with the rejection or the awkwardness.

He did say the next time he was in town, he would let me know and we would hang out. So I guess we will see what happens.

BTW, I feel like I am overanalyzing the entire situation again as I did last time. I really need to just relax and go with the flow. I just don’t know how to do that

 

[Georgiadude]

I don't want to rain on your parade but I guess I'm going to. Don't get your hopes up too high. The "I'm really busy and don't have time to reply" is the oldest excuse in the book. Other than "it's not you, it's me" that is. it takes 30 seconds to reply to a txt. He has time. trust me. He knows he has you on the back burner and I'm afraid that is where your going to stay. I could be wrong but experience is telling me I'm right.

you may get a message when he's coming to town but otherwise he's going to ignore you again. he may reply in the beginning but it's going to be less and less. I don't want to come across as being mean. Actually I'm trying to help keep you from getting hurt.

I stand by my original advice. Cut him loose, ignore him and move on. he knows where you are and how to reach you when it's good for him. otherwise your just bothering him. I promise your going to end up getting hurt and I really dont want that to happen to you. cut him loose.

Steven.

 

[TX-Beau]

There are more options than bestest buddy forever and cut him loose.

If he texts, respond, if he doesn't, it's fine to contact him now and again, while hanging out with other people.

You only have a problem if you are giving yourself unrealistic expectations about what is going on.