I know my cousin is gay...

[jhonny1234]

OK,

So this is a very strange/long story. I came out about two years ago and while there were some bumps along the way, I could not be happier about it now. My parents took it a little hard at first but ultimately said they knew (don't they all?) and that they were fine with it. I come from a very large family however, my dad is one of 9 kids. His whole side of the family is very religious and very conservative. I received a lot of flack from them, mostly behind my back. When I confronted one of them, my dad's sister, she told me I was going to hell, that if she was my parent, she would send me to a straight camp, and if I am ever dating someone, that I am not allowed to bring them to her house. She also blamed the fact that I am gay on the fact that I had a gay friend in highschool and that I "caught it" from them. My parents got into arguments with her over this and while things are for the most part OK between us, I am still not her biggest fan and I am sure vis versa. The most ironic thing about this is the fact that there are a lot of people who speculate that her son, my cousin is gay. He is about 3 years younger than me and when we were little we used to be friends. We didn't talk or see each other outside of family functions for about 12-13 years I would say. Then this past summer I talked him into working at the same resort town I work at and he did. We hung out maybe 3 or 4 times over the summer but nothing really beyond that. He has never has dated anyone, but is "straight" and never has mentioned anything about being gay, but he has a lot of gay tendencies. Now that the summer is over, we are both back at college (the same one) and we haven't seen much of each other. This is where the story gets interesting.

There is a website for my school that has prof ratings, people can sell books, and personal ads as well and it is only for people that go to my school (email verification). My friend and I were joking around that no one ever is looking for a boyfriend on the site so we did a test. I posted a picture of a really hot guy with a lame write up that said nothing really more than, "just looking to hang out." He posted one of a decent looking guy with a really in depth write up saying that he was looking for a boyfriend. Well, the results of the test was me getting around 30 replies and him getting about 3. As I was going through the mail, I came across a name that caught my attention. It was my cousins last name with his first initial and and a number, so for example: John Smith, smithj1. I thought that it was weird and I clicked on his profile and it was a perfect description of my cousin. I went to Facebook and checked his email and it was the exact same as his screen name on the other site. So, long story short it was my cousin contacting a gay guy on a dating site. I am not one to spread rumors so I have not said anything to family or friends because I know what it is like to be in that situation. What this means is, my aunt who was the most vocal about me being gay, has a son who is also gay. I feel awful that when/if my cousin does decide to come out, he has to deal with that situation, which will probably involve being ostracized from his family and cut off on tuition and what not, or worse, being forced to go to a straight camp. I also know that given my aunts prior knowledge of how "gay" is caught from other gays will put me under fire for "making him come work in the same place as me and teaching him gay." (Sorry for all the quotes)

What I am getting at with this post is that, I now know for sure my cousin is gay, but he doesn't know I know, and I could never tell him how I found it. I also know that coming out is a very personal thing that everyone has to do for themselves and you are ready when you are ready. But I want to let him know that there are people out there who care for him regardless of his orientation and that if he ever needs someone to talk to that I am here for him. Should I just wait for him to come out and then offer this advice to him? When I think back, I wish I had had someone to confide in because I think I would have been ready to come out sooner and get on with my life. I know this is long and maybe a bit confusing, but any suggestions would be welcome.

 

[Seasoned]

I'm not a fan of what you did with the bogus cyber ad. I'd think more highly of it if it hadn't been restricted to just your school. And now you know your cousin is in a serious situation because of his mother and you feel like you can't help. You don't have to confront him, but you could offer support and tell him you are there for him if he ever needs to talk. Poor guy must be awfully scared.

 

[jhonny1234]

I guess I didn't think about the fact that what I didn't probably wasn't very high on a list of moral actions. But I do understand now how that probably isn't one of my proudest moments. But that aside, he doesn't know I know and no one else does either. That being said, do I offer him support and tell him I am there for him now, or down the road? I couldn't very well offer him support now without him being suspicious that I think he is gay. I don't think he would have suicidal thoughts, but you never know. But I do know that when I wasn't ready to come out I felt like I was at the end of my rope all the time and when anyone would say things to me that had even 1/1000 of a chance of referring to my sexuality, I would get panicky and think that I needed to distance myself from them. I don't know if I was alone with those feelings or other closeted gay people felt the same. The reason I suggested that he should work where I did is because I met the most amazing people and it was because of them that I was able to come out because I knew I had a support system that would be there for me if my family fell through. Thanks for the input though!

 

[KaraBulut]

If your cousin knows that you are gay, then he has had the opportunity to approach you but has chosen not to. If that is the case, then you should respect his privacy... especially since the way that you obtained this information was not particularly ethical.

If your cousin doesn't know that you're gay, then come out to him and let him make the choice as to whether he wishes to come out to you.

 

[TX-Beau]

Well, I wouldn't call it privacy, but I agree that if he hasn't come and talked to you yet, he's not going to admit it if you ask, even though you have the best of intentions and stand to be a huge help to him.

We all remember the closet, we all know we were in it ultimately because we didn't want to admit we were gay.

How close are you? I have cousins that I know like brothers, and some I'd like to chuck under the nearest convenient bus.

You could start by just including him in your circle of friends as much as possible.

 

[thanol]

Your aunt was probably mean to you, because she's in denial that she has a gay son.

 

[spunk-junky]

I agree with some of these other responders: if he knows you are gay, then the ball is in his court. He's got to know his mother's radical, religious beliefs on the matter and consequently has to stay closeted until he is no longer dependent on her financially, he graduates from college, etc. However, you can still reach out to him as a friend/cousin and let him know in various ways you are always available to lend an ear, help out etc. Then, when he is ready, hopefully he will approach you for support.

 

[looseliam]

"Hey cuz. I know we don't spend a lot of time together. I just wanted to let you know that if you need to talk about anything, I'm here for you."

 

[jhonny1234]

Thanks for all the help, I am going to just try to invite him to join my groups of friends when we do things and hope that he becomes comfortable with us. We aren't particularly close, but there is no bad blood between us. I am from a family of about 30 cousins on just one side, him included, so it is hard to have close relationships with all of them, even when they live in the same town, which they do. We go to the same college now and live about a 5 minute bike ride from each other. He is only 19, and I was 20 when I came out, and I know I would not have been ready before that. I am sure he just needs more time, but I will try to let him know in subtle ways that he always has a friend close by. I am not going to lie though, it will make me very happy when he does come out, not only for his sake, but I am hoping that there is strength in numbers in my family and I won't be the black sheep at family events anymore.

 

[kguy3387]

Here's a more direct thought. Just brainstorming here...

in a few weeks(so he won't connect you with your fake ad) send him an email/note that says something like, "you probably know i came out to our family a few years ago. that had it's ups and downs, but ultimately i'm glad i did come out.

i don't claim to have great "gaydar" or anything, but since we've been hanging out more i've gotten this vibe that maybe you might be gay too. if so, i just want you to know that we're family and if you ever need someone to talk to, i'm here.

of course, you're probably straight, so i'm probably just making an ass of myself. but hey, either way i guess i'm just sayin.. i'm here if you need to talk about anything no matter what topic.

Peace!"

 

[kguy3387]

I guess I didn't think about the fact that what I didn't probably wasn't very high on a list of moral actions. But I do understand now how that probably isn't one of my proudest moments.

Well what's done is done. Sounds like you have a big school and were posting an ad on lark not expecting to know any of the respondents or cause any ill will. Besides, however you got the information, I think it's better that you know so you can be there to support him if he ever asks.

So.. Chill ya'll.

 

[racer2438]

JUst be supportive and dont tell him you know.

At lest it seems as you are trying to help( if thats what your doing) and let be on his time not yours. If he is around more of your friends then maybe that will ease his way.

 

[Reprobate]

OK,


I also know that coming out is a very personal thing that everyone has to do for themselves and you are ready when you are ready.

I am gay, we all know my oldest son is gay, he knows we know. It is like this huge secret that we are all pretending to believe is secret but the bottom line is that it is his choice to decide when he wants to talk about it. There is absolutely nothing you can do for for your cousin other than being his friend, be yourself and let him see that he can be safe around you.

I would advise him to NOT come out to his parents or family until he is in a place in his life where he is not dependent on them. Despite what many feel it is not neccesary to come out to everyone and in fact sometimes it is best that certain people remain willfully and blissfully ignorant.

I will never come out to my dad, would serve no purpose whatsoever other than destroying what relationship we do have. My dad once got kicked out of a Denny's Restaurant for telling a woman with an interracial child to "get your little mistake out of my site".

I know I am rambling but the point is you can't force him out but you can be his friend. If the worse happens with his family, you and your parents can hopefully be there for him (just don't YOU tell your parents).

 

[Payton]

I have a cousin who I'm fairly certain is gay. I will probably never approach him about it as he is quite young, and when I was that age, the last thing I wanted was people questioning me on something I wasn't ready to talk about.

There have been times that I've seen him get uncomfortable when his older brothers make homophobic remarks. Although they're joking, it could effect his confidence in coming out some day.
I try to be subtle about my support without putting emphasis or focus on him when little comments are made. It'll only make him feel the need to push away if he feels someone's on to him.

If a gay topic arises around him, I act completely neutral towards any opinion, (whilst expressing a positive one) just so he knows that I'm accepting, and that the idea of homosexuality doesn't phase me in the slightest. If any jokes are made, I try not to laugh, as again, I don't want him to feel like a target amongst his family at that age.

I know many might feel that I should take a more forceful approach in addressing my acceptance, but I try to be a person I would've wanted around me when I went through this stage. One who doesn't make judgement, or see this as anything more than just another preference.
Whether or not he wishes to confide in me first, I just want him to think of my attitude towards gay people, (rather than the negative ones) when he does decide to come out. He will see that not everyone will change their perception on him.

 

[spencer]

Peyton, I'm assuming your cousins know you're gay. If they make a comment and you reply with, hey what's with the gay comments, I don't think it would direct being gay to your in closet cousin. I think it'll show you that you defend yourself and being gay. That strength will help your cousin when he needs it for when he comes out. Just a thought tho.

To the OP, when you see him out in gay public, then you mention it. Finding out the way you did will not only scare him, but it might make him hide deep deep into the closet further.

 

[Payton]

Peyton, I'm assuming your cousins know you're gay. If they make a comment and you reply with, hey what's with the gay comments, I don't think it would direct being gay to your in closet cousin. I think it'll show you that you defend yourself and being gay. That strength will help your cousin when he needs it for when he comes out. Just a thought tho.

Honestly, I'm not too sure that they completely understand me.

I've never hid that I've gone to gay clubs, and they know that I'm accepting of the gay culture, but I feel that they might just think I'm extremely comfortable, rather than categorising me as gay.

I don't mind that though, as that's how I run my life anyway. I'm not one to put emphasis on it, as I don't see any reasoning to. I just don't see the big deal. I wouldn't hide it though if they were to ask. As long as they, and my cousin can look at my attitude towards gay men, they'll see that it's not a big issue when he decides to come out.

 

[spencer]

In that case all the reason to "defend" against gay statements. They know you're at least gay friendly, by sticking up for gays, it'll help your cousin.