I made a mistake

[NaNaNaNa]

On Friday me and my boyfriend had a fight before he went away to visit his parents down south. We left it on bad terms and I was pretty upset bout the whole thing.

Anyway on Saturday night I went to drop my son off at my ex-girlfriends house and she could see I wasn't too good and invited me in for a drink and a chat. We both drank a lot and the next thing you know we end up in bed together. I woke up Sunday morning feeling worse then I did before and I dunno what to do, me and him made up when he returned on Sunday night and apoligised.

My ex-girlfriend says I shouldn't say anything as it will only make him upset and ruin our relationship, she also said that if I did choose to tell him I should not mention her because it will affect the situation regarding my son and our relationship with my ex. Is she right? and should I tell him?

It is out of character for me, but I'd still feel guilty about it.

 

[Lube]

Yes, sleeping with your ex (gf or bf) is dumb.

Her sleeping with you was even dumber (when she knows you have a bf). And you guys have a kid together?

I think you both need counseling.

Are you & your bf in a monogamous relationship or not?

 

[NaNaNaNa]

How strong is your relationship with him? How long have you been together?

Pretty strong, we've been together over 2 years, after taking a year break to find what we wanted. We met at boarding school (was a bit of a twat as a teenager and got sent there so I could sort myself out) and he's the only lads I've ever looked at in a sexual way.

Yes, sleeping with your ex (gf or bf) is dumb.

Her sleeping with you was even dumber (when she knows you have a bf). And you guys have a kid together??

Yeah, like I said was a bit of a twat in my youth and became a father at 15. I've just recently turned 22 and my son has also recently turned 7. He spends a few nights a week at mine and Craigs and the rest at his mam's house.

I know it was stupid, it was basically the fact I'd drank quite a bit, felt lonely and she was there.

 

[joeG23]

You made a mistake. It's cost you your peace of mind. Don't try and assuage your guilt by dumping on your boyfriend. Don't tell him. Live, learn and don't do it again. Best of luck mate.

 

[NaNaNaNa]

When you say 'after a break for a year' what do you mean? We need to know how strong your relationship is - were you together as teens? Were you in a relationship with him before that year and then spent two years together?

Ok, here is the not very brief history:

At 14 get my girlfriend pregnant, mam and dad react by sending me to boarding school. At boarding school I meet Craig and we become best mates.
The next year at school me and Craig share a room. Then he wants to become wankbuddies but I at first decline (I've always considered myself as straight and thought it was weird). However after getting bored (you have no idea how sexually bored you get at an all-boys boarding school) I agreed to it and we did it a few times.
Then during one of these wankbuddy sessions he began to suck my cock. This caught me off guard and being straight I said "wtf are you doing?" and pushed him off me. This as you can expect meant things were weird between us for a bit. But we got over that.
Later on that year we snook out to go clubbing and got completely rat-arsed which made getting back in without being spotted impossible. We got a bollocking and escorted back to the room. Well one thing led to another and he kissed me, I still remember like yesterday that it felt right, then he gave me the best blow job I've ever had. Anyways as time progressed we became fuck buddies, and without expecting it I fell in love with him and our relationship took a different direction.

Anyways we left boarding school and kept in touch. I went to uni and wanted to experience the single uni life being a fresher. However the Summer after that we met up and ended up getting together. He went to Newcastle Uni and I went to Edinborough Uni which meant the next 2 years were a long distance thing, but my family live near Newcastle so I was visiting often enough. Now we have just moved into an apartment together in Newcastle whilst he finishes his course and I've got a job here.

tried to keep it brief, the longer story is in another thread : here

You never answered about what type of person your ex is - will she use this as leverage?

naa she's a canny lass. She's been really good friend to me over the years after we split up. She's one of the nicest girls you'll meet, she'd never do anything to split me and Craig up.

 

[Lube]

seem to be 'adjusting' in your relationship (as happens in healthy relationships IMO)

I don't see anything healthy in any of his relationships.

Nananana, you also need to accept yourself for being gay/bi. You talk about your relationship with your guy almost as if you were dragged into it. You weren't. It was your choice. As was fucking your girlfriend unprotected. As was fucking your ex-girlfriend while dating your boyfriend.

I really have nothing else to say.

 

[NaNaNaNa]

I don't see anything healthy in any of his relationships.

Nananana, you also need to accept yourself for being gay/bi. You talk about your relationship with your guy almost as if you were dragged into it. You weren't. It was your choice. As was fucking your girlfriend unprotected. As was fucking your ex-girlfriend while dating your boyfriend.

I really have nothing else to say.

It was my choice to go into a relationship with him, and I'm very happy with my choice. I made lots of mistakes in my youth but I've learned from them and overall I feel I'm a better person for making the mistakes. "While one person hesitates because he feels inferior, the other is busy making mistakes and becoming superior."

I love Craig, even when we didn't see each other for 3 and a 1/2 months I didn't even think about seeing anyone else. Sleeping with her was out of charachter, but by no-means is that an excuse.

I've had a lot of problems over the last few months, I've "came out" and been met with some bad reactions from various members of friends and family, but I don't regret it. I'm sorry I'm not in a perfect gay relationship.

I think you should tell him .. you owe it to him to be honest. If you found out he was with someone while you both were together and he lied about it how would you feel? .. and if that answer is along the lines of " I wouldn't care" then ask yourself how strong is your relationship really?

Its not okay to cheat, not even just once, your excuse for being lonely wouldn't cut it in my books ...

I would care alot. But is it worth hurting him, in order to stay truthful. It may be a fact that if I tell him, I am easing my guilt however making him miserable and ruining a good thing.

 

[tallguy297]

I would care alot. But is it worth hurting him, in order to stay truthful. It may be a fact that if I tell him, I am easing my guilt however making him miserable and ruining a good thing.

Yeah mate thats true. As is the fact that using this ^ is a good excuse not to tell him too...

Look... the one thing that binds relationships together is honesty... when things are good... and when things suck. Secrets are weights that eventually wear you down and in the end are nearly always found out.

Ask yourself this... is it better he hears it from you... or someone else?

The trick is usually this... if its not something that you just want to tell him then its probably something you SHOULD tell him. Let him decide if hes going to be miserable... let him decide if it ruins a good thing... he deserves that right.

Honestly mate... you made a mistake. And by the sounds of your realtionship he'll see it that way too. But he deserves to know... and yes you deserve to be able to lose the guilt once its out in the open, because its clearly wieghing on you too (which is a good sign ironically!)

To answer your question mate... and I suspect you already know the answer... yes its worth remaining truthful. Because the last thing a great relationship like yours needs is suspicion and guilt to hold it back. You'll work this out... and when you do it will add strength... to both of you.

 

[Lube]

^ Lube if you read the other thread that the OP linked to you would see that he came out to his family last June/July and went through the whole turmoil of being rejected by his father and losing a close friend for being a 'queer'. What age were you when you came out? How long had you being living a lie before you came out? I was 41 when I came out with a failed marriage after decades of lying to myself and everyone around me.

I dunno; that thread sounded awfully positive:

My immediate family have all seemed to have got their head around it completely and treat Craig like any other partner i've had.

Yeah, he lost a friend, but the "friend" really wasn't one, so it's no real loss. His father is still in the process of accepting it, but that's hardly unique or unexpected.

It is perfectly normal in a healthy relationship (especially when they only moved in together a few weeks ago) to have periods of adjustment and I would be worried if it was all plain sailing. The guy sounds like he's making a real effort to get his life in order and has admitted that he's made some bad mistakes in the past which is a really big deal to admit.

I would suggest some couple counselling just to help undo some of the bad influences of your past and to help you guys establish yourselves - even hanging out with an older gay couple would be useful.

I agree with the counseling and hanging out with a successful gay couple. But it seems like Nananana is continuing to make mistakes. Is he really learning from them? Sleeping with the mother of his child 7 years after they broke up?

The first few weeks you move in together should be some of the best times. It's still so new. If things don't go well right away, that's a bad sign to me. Sure, 6 months later (and on and off for the rest of your lives) you'll have some bad times. But it shouldn't be right away. I'm concerned about that.

 

[Lube]

It was my choice to go into a relationship with him, and I'm very happy with my choice.

But yet look at the way you phrase what happened. As KaraBulut said in your other thread, you self-identify as straight, and all the action verbs that brought you into the relationship were actions by Craig, not you. You sound so passive:

The next year at school me and Craig share a room. Then he wants to become wankbuddies but I at first decline (I've always considered myself as straight and thought it was weird). However after getting bored (you have no idea how sexually bored you get at an all-boys boarding school) I agreed to it and we did it a few times.
Then during one of these wankbuddy sessions he began to suck my cock. This caught me off guard and being straight I said "wtf are you doing?" and pushed him off me. This as you can expect meant things were weird between us for a bit. But we got over that.
Later on that year we snook out to go clubbing and got completely rat-arsed which made getting back in without being spotted impossible. We got a bollocking and escorted back to the room. Well one thing led to another and he kissed me, I still remember like yesterday that it felt right, then he gave me the best blow job I've ever had. Anyways as time progressed we became fuck buddies, and without expecting it I fell in love with him and our relationship took a different direction.

Nowhere in there is a description of what you did to him. It's like you think he "converted" you. Think about that.

naa she's a canny lass. She's been really good friend to me over the years after we split up. She's one of the nicest girls you'll meet, she'd never do anything to split me and Craig up.

Except sleep with you when you're at your most vulnerable? Did she encourage you, or do you take some responsibility for your actions, too? What exactly happened that night?

I've had a lot of problems over the last few months, I've "came out" and been met with some bad reactions from various members of friends and family, but I don't regret it. I'm sorry I'm not in a perfect gay relationship.

I'm not expecting you to be perfect. God knows I'm not. You had a few bad experiences coming out, but it didn't sound that bad over all.

You haven't finished coming out to yourself. It's great that you can call Craig your boyfriend, but again, that's putting the onus on him; it's almost like you're saying, "This is Craig, my gay boyfriend" as if you are not gay. You are gay. You need to say that out loud. And not be ashamed of it. Regardless of what your father thinks. Being comfortable in your gayness doesn't happen overnight (as Noelie noted, it took us a loooooooong time), but you do need to go through that process.

 

[mishima75]

question - if your roles were reversed, would you want him to tell you?

and is he entitled, as your partner, to know the truth when it comes to issues that affect your partnership?

 

[backpacker]

You know him pretty well, therefore you should be able to answer this question. Would he want to know? If it were me, I would want to know. I have friends who wouldn't want to know. Remember, only confess if it's the best thing for him and your relationship.

I generally believe getting things out in the open is the best, but some people are the type that can never get over things. If your bf is that type, you really need to think hard about telling him. Telling him may make you feel better, but remember it's all about him.

 

[NaNaNaNa]

Except sleep with you when you're at your most vulnerable? Did she encourage you, or do you take some responsibility for your actions, too? What exactly happened that night?

Basically dropped my son off at her house. She saw I wasn't my usual self and asked me what was wrong. I told her and she invited me in to talk about it. So she offered me some lager and she began drinking wine, we talked for a long time then just watched TV. She said that I'm in no fit state to drive so I can sleep on her sofa, we drunk a bit more and I can't remember too much after, think I kissed her goodnight and thanked her for listening and it went further.

You haven't finished coming out to yourself. It's great that you can call Craig your boyfriend, but again, that's putting the onus on him; it's almost like you're saying, "This is Craig, my gay boyfriend" as if you are not gay. You are gay. You need to say that out loud. And not be ashamed of it. Regardless of what your father thinks. Being comfortable in your gayness doesn't happen overnight (as Noelie noted, it took us a loooooooong time), but you do need to go through that process.

I admit that yes, I do find it hard to call myself gay. I don't hang out with any gay people, and my general world is very heterosexual. I'm trying to adjust believe me, but finding it difficult at the same time.

-------------------------------

Suppose I'm going to have to tell him, don't think I should mention who it was because I don't want him to have any ill-feeling about the situation with my son if he does forgive me.

 

[mojoe54]

Yeah mate thats true. As is the fact that using this ^ is a good excuse not to tell him too...

Look... the one thing that binds relationships together is honesty... when things are good... and when things suck. Secrets are weights that eventually wear you down and in the end are nearly always found out.

Ask yourself this... is it better he hears it from you... or someone else?

The trick is usually this... if its not something that you just want to tell him then its probably something you SHOULD tell him. Let him decide if hes going to be miserable... let him decide if it ruins a good thing... he deserves that right.

Honestly mate... you made a mistake. And by the sounds of your realtionship he'll see it that way too. But he deserves to know... and yes you deserve to be able to lose the guilt once its out in the open, because its clearly wieghing on you too (which is a good sign ironically!)

To answer your question mate... and I suspect you already know the answer... yes its worth remaining truthful. Because the last thing a great relationship like yours needs is suspicion and guilt to hold it back. You'll work this out... and when you do it will add strength... to both of you.

Tallguy speaks the truth--if you see yourself and Craig in a long-term relationship, you should tell him now, because eventually it will come out and Craig will be much more upset that you didn't tell him than he would be if you just told him about it now and apologized for fucking up. He may be mad at you for a while, but if he loves you as much as you do him, he will get over it and you will continue on as a couple. But this is the kind of thing that can really test a relationship. Hopefully it won't happen again, and I really hope you used protection when you hooked up with your ex.
Good Luck!
bb

 

[NaNaNaNa]

Tallguy speaks the truth--if you see yourself and Craig in a long-term relationship, you should tell him now, because eventually it will come out and Craig will be much more upset that you didn't tell him than he would be if you just told him about it now and apologized for fucking up. He may be mad at you for a while, but if he loves you as much as you do him, he will get over it and you will continue on as a couple. But this is the kind of thing that can really test a relationship. Hopefully it won't happen again, and I really hope you used protection when you hooked up with your ex.
Good Luck!
bb

Told him last night, there was a little bit of shouting after a long silence. He's gone back to his parents to "think things over", dunno if this is a good thing or not.

 

[mojoe54]

I would give him a little time to think things over. Then call him and tell him you really love him and would like to make your relationship work. Take Noelie's advice and suggest couples counseling. It may take awhile for him to get over it and be able to trust you again. Many years ago my partner strayed once and I was upset for quite awhile, but I did get over it. It is important that you let him know that he is still the most important person to you. Tell him that often as he is probably feeling insecure about your relationship right now. I hope things work out for the two of you. Good luck!
bb

 

[NaNaNaNa]

we've had minimal contact since he went away, mainly just texts and a few phone calls. But he's coming back tomorrow night (well later tonight being that it has just past 12) and we're, as far as I am aware, going to work on our relationship.

Want to do something for him tomorrow night, would it be better to go out or to cook him his favourite meal at home??

Atm I'm thinking it'll be better to just stay in, as it'll give us better space to talk without people at other tables looking on. Plus cooking for him is a bigger gesture imo then going out somewhere and he loves my cooking.

 

[Eagle653]

Telling him would be a huge mistake. In general, I think truthfulness is a good policy, except when the truth unnecessarily hurts someone for no reason.

You titled your thread "I made a mistake." Chock it up as just that. Learn from it and move on.

Good luck to all of you.

 

[tallguy297]

He's already told him guys... and its something that took a lot of courage...

By now he's probably home nananana... I hope its all going well and that you guys are talking and sorting things... you'll come through it ok... just talk and be honest... mistakes happen, we are humans after all. And love is a pretty powerful beast...

Good luck mate.

 

[NaNaNaNa]

He's already told him guys... and its something that took a lot of courage...

By now he's probably home nananana... I hope its all going well and that you guys are talking and sorting things... you'll come through it ok... just talk and be honest... mistakes happen, we are humans after all. And love is a pretty powerful beast...

Good luck mate.

Aye he came back Saturday night, we had a meal and talked a lot then fell asleep watching a film on the sofa.

We've worked through a lot of things over last few days, so I hope we are going to make it through. I suggested couple counselling as many suggested on here and he thought it was a good idea, I managed to get an appointment later this week so it's not going too badly.