I miss my friend

[jusluv]

So I made a post last year about coming out to my best friend. When I came out to him I was all nerves. He was the first person I ever told. But I did it, and to my surprise...he came out to me. Automatically, I felt we became closer...But here is where it gets messy. I had feelings for him and it was tearing me up inside because I HAD to tell him, I felt like I was gonna go crazy if I didnt. Now, it wasnt something that he didnt already know. We spent EVERY moment we had together. We did everything together, if you saw me then you saw him. We were as close as close can get. We made each other better people and our relationship was a very natural one. He was my best friend in the world. I never expected to be with him when I decided to tell him everything. B/c I knew he wasnt comfortable with himself at all. But I told him and he pretty much completely cut me off. Now, this was devistating b/c he was somebody that was always there, ALWAYS. I tried so hard to figure out why he cut me off, he could never tell me. I asked if it was b/c I told him I had feelings for him, he said maybe a little. But I knew that couldnt be all of it...he told me to just give him time. He said he had problems being close to people and he wanted me to do whatever I needed to to protect myself.

Now a lot has happened. We did not communicate for about 3 months. I and well as he, went through a horrible few months of depression. Not happy at all. But he said he needed time to figure out who he was and what he wanted. A few months ago we started working together and for the first time I would see him smile again. I feel like he's coming to his old self again and people say its b/c he feels better about our state. He has surrounded himself with terrible people who dont really care about him and suck the life out of him. They tell him I hate him. All of these horrible things. Deep down inside, I dont think he believes it. But it hurts me so much b/c he tries to make these bad people good in his head.

Now just a couple days ago, we spent the whole day together and it was wondeful. We laughed and talked just like we used to. I was helping him write a paper. I have always been there for him and I couldnt hurt him even if I wanted to. It just felt so right. And it made me miss him so much. I MISS MY FRIEND SO MUCH! I feel so lonely sometimes, b/c he understood me and he was there for me. I feel like he's fighting me for whatever reason. In my heart, I know it wont always be this way. But I dont know what to do. If he needs me, I'm gonna be there. And if I need him, he's there. But its so different b/c sometimes all I want to do is talk to kim and I feel like I cant. He told me if would be hard to be friends with me b/c of who his friends are now.

What should I do? Should I cut him off like i did before? I miss him. And I know that it's more than just the fact that I had feelings for him b/c he's maintained close friendships with people that's liked him before. But it feels like a terrible break up...Seriously. I just dont know how to cope with not having my friend.

 

[drgr86]

I think you did the right thing in giving him some space, as hard as I know it was for you both. It sounds like he does still want your friendship and that he needs to know that you are always there for him in that capacity. Maybe you should take the risk and talk to him.

 

[rareboy]

He told me if would be hard to be friends with me b/c of who his friends are now.

His choice. He actually sounds like an immature asshole.

I'd look for new friends.

 

[tallguy297]

Well, RB may have been a little harsh in his response but your friend does seem like hes more than a little selfish at best and fickle at worst.

You deserve friends who feel the same about you as you about them. They are people you trust, you value and that you'd do anything for. They're not people who are your companions when it suits.

You can do better mate. Yes you had a great connection with this guy, but you can build that with others. And those friends will at least give back more than just when it suits them.

 

[KaraBulut]

What will be, will be.

You can be someone's friend. You can't make someone be your friend.

While this friendship has a lot of value for you, it doesn't have the same value for him. While that is a bitter pill to swallow, it is something that you need to think about before you waste more time and energy on someone who just doesn't place the same value on friendship.

There's plenty of people out there who want friends and understand the importance of friendship. Go find them and don't look back.

 

[TX-Beau]

Ball's in his court. If he wants to hang with you, he will.

 

[rareboy]

So someone has indicated they don't think my advice was compassionate.

They're wrong. My compassion is for the injured, not some shallow dipshit who treats their 'friends' like dirt.

You can waste a life making excuses for the bad behaviour of others and let them use you like a doormat, but surely you have more self-worth than that.

 

[tallguy297]

So someone has indicated they don't think my advice was compassionate.

Actually, no they didnt.

I simply stated that the way you put it was harsh.

Believe it or not, its not all about you

 

[rareboy]

^ And....wait for it.... believe it or not, it isn't all about you either.... I wasn't referring to your post, but to another Jubber's observations. I actually had even missed your reply until today....

 

[tallguy297]

^ OK good.

And you were right to call me on this... it was off topic.

Jusluv, I apologize and assure you this off topic conversation ends here. Sorry.

TG

 

[jusluv]

Hey guys...Just an UPDATE

So we hung out this weekend a little. Just talking and laughing like old times. But when we dont hang out I really dont hear from him. I know this is dumb but we were both on AIM and we were on there for a long time and he never chatted me. I dont expect him to chat me like he used to or anything, but it's times like that where I wonder if he even thinks about me, ya know. A friend of mine said that he doesnt know how to even approach me b/c he messed up with me so bad. I dont think I mentioned before that he has emotional and attachment issues. This came from his mouth. The friendships he is in now arent really healty at all, they are a bunch of leeches who are kinda obsessed with him. Very surface type of relationships.

I'm not gonna force myself on him anymore and Im not gonna go out of my way. But I feel like any relationship thats meaningful has its ups and downs and tests. I really feel like this was a test for me. And a test for him so he can see what a true friend is. Becuase I know his world is gonna come crashing down on him. And he is gonna need someone. I know you guys may think Im crazy. But honestly...tell me what you think I should do?

 

[StlKj]

It's possible your friend feels unworthy of your love. He has surrounded himself with bad people because they reflect how he feels about himself. He's drowning himself in them, and he knows you're a life preserver, but he can't reach out for it. I suspect he thinks that he'll ruin you, and he'd rather keep you safe and at arm's length than pull you tightly to him and take you down with him.

What can you do? Fight for him. You're already losing him by being passive, so if you push him farther away, what have you lost? You owe it to the the friendship and the love you feel for him to at least try. And if it doesn't work, you have to let him drown if that's what he wants. And you need to swim.


Or, of course, you can just keep the status quo, and keep on hurting and longing for something with him that's not happening.

 

[jusluv]

Thanks for the reply!

It sucks that I care this much about him but I cant help it. He was and still is an amazing person deep down inside. I dont think he was ready for how real it got b/t us. He told me that it was scary that I might not always be there. He said he needed time to figure himself out. But its like he's searching for something he's always had. But I have been more than willing to fight for us...but, in the end, I cant make him see...he has too

It's possible your friend feels unworthy of your love. He has surrounded himself with bad people because they reflect how he feels about himself. He's drowning himself in them, and he knows you're a life preserver, but he can't reach out for it. I suspect he thinks that he'll ruin you, and he'd rather keep you safe and at arm's length than pull you tightly to him and take you down with him.

What can you do? Fight for him. You're already losing him by being passive, so if you push him farther away, what have you lost? You owe it to the the friendship and the love you feel for him to at least try. And if it doesn't work, you have to let him drown if that's what he wants. And you need to swim.


Or, of course, you can just keep the status quo, and keep on hurting and longing for something with him that's not happening.

 

[StlKj]

You're exactly right. He knows where to find you. He's the who is lost. That sucks, but all you can do is take care of you. And move on. Hopefully he'll be okay.

 

[rareboy]

You're exactly right. He knows where to find you. He's the who is lost. That sucks, but all you can do is take care of you. And move on. Hopefully he'll be okay.

yup............

 

[TX-Beau]

Thanks for the reply!

It sucks that I care this much about him but I cant help it. He was and still is an amazing person deep down inside. I dont think he was ready for how real it got b/t us. He told me that it was scary that I might not always be there. He said he needed time to figure himself out. But its like he's searching for something he's always had. But I have been more than willing to fight for us...but, in the end, I cant make him see...he has too

(Fair warning, immanent deployment of a “Sugar.”)

Sugar, it sucks to like someone who doesn’t return the favor. We’ve all been there too, so here’s what you need to do. Don’t try and contact him at all. Period. If he wants to contact you that’s fine, but don’t contact him. The best way to see his interest for what it is, and to help yourself back into reality about this guy, is to see clearly just how much motivation he actually has to associate with you.

YOU can’t MAKE him see a damn thing, he sees what he sees and you’re assuming that what you see is what is, and what he sees is mistaken, that’s a value judgment that’s gonna get you into trouble. People aren’t solely “who they are deep down,” - I don't really know what that means anyway. If someone treats you like shit, but deep down they regret it, you're still being treated like shit - and frankly THAT is who the guy is. It’s the bad boy fallacy. Bad boys may have hearts of gold – but then they’ll still steal your car, because they’re bad boys, and that's what bad boys do.

What he does and the choices he makes are a part of who he is, and that’s not very attractive about him is it? Mayhap you’re really in love with the idea of loving him, and not looking objectively at the guy in front of you?

You can complain about his friends until the stars fall, but that doesn’t mean you have any leverage over who he hangs out with – even if he were dating you, you don’t have a right to tell him who he can and can’t associate with.

...I know this is dumb but we were both on AIM and we were on there for a long time and he never chatted me. I dont expect him to chat me like he used to or anything, but it's times like that where I wonder if he even thinks about me, ya know…

I'm a bit tired of this whole:

"...he was on AIM for sOOOOOOOOOO lOOOOOONg and never messaged me...."

You message me while I'm in the middle of something and I'm not going to message you back. It has nothing to do with how I feel about you.

Those little message blocks are conversational extortion, they just pop up, and demand you pay attention, while promising that if you don't, someone's going to be pissed off.

I refuse to play that game. I'm not gonna care if someone gets their panties in a twist because I don't message them every time I'm on the computer. Especially when I'm at work. They can just see me on there and wonder their little hearts out.

Liberate yourself, get off the damn computer and go meet real guys who are out there looking to meet you. Stop placing your heart at the mercy of some pixels! Deny the Box!!!!


........FREEEEEEEDOOOOOOOM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!........
(Gratuitous Braveheart reference) (grin)