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I need advice after a hurtful break-up

D

demolay

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Hey guys,

I have so many mixed emotions about my recent break up with my bf of a year. We had from what i saw a great healthy relationship. we had our fights and arguments but we always resolved our issues. I come home from work last Wednesday to a letter on the dinner table and the mail key. basically the letter said that he was too young to be in the type of relationship that we had and that time was passing him by. so he up and left and has decided to move to San Diego to have a new start and a better life. I'm not looking for attention, i just need some advice on how to handle it.

thanx,
dom
 
demolay said:
Hey guys,

I have so many mixed emotions about my recent break up with my bf of a year. We had from what i saw a great healthy relationship. we had our fights and arguments but we always resolved our issues. I come home from work last Wednesday to a letter on the dinner table and the mail key. basically the letter said that he was too young to be in the type of relationship that we had and that time was passing him by. so he up and left and has decided to move to San Diego to have a new start and a better life. I'm not looking for attention, i just need some advice on how to handle it.

thanx,
dom
Click to expand...
no doubt it sucks man. but i say give it some time. Do things that take your mind off him and the relationship. If you dwell on it, you'll only wonder what happened, where it went wrong, who's fault it was, and none of that is productive at all.

I'd say just go your normal routine. Maybe instead of coming straight home, spend a little time at the gym or go to a park just to relax and work off some stress and steam.

I hate to be cliche, but i really think that time at least scabs over, if not heals the wound. It sucks, no doubt about that, but you can function by yourself too man.

Best-
hollisterman
 
Thanks Hollisterman,

I have been trying to keep myself occupied, but so many things remind me of him and I find it so hard to not think about him. This break up is the hardest one i ever went through, I truly loved him and we shared so much. He was my best friend and i loved everything about him.

Thanks for your advice.
 
Been there done that. It does not matter what age you are when something like this happens. I was in a 'relationship' for almost 6 years, and then I get an email saying it is over! (Not even a phone call, or a letter!)

I was pissed off for 3 months and I decided after that time to stop being pissed, and make up my mind that I still have something to offer someone "better than him".

Two months later I found the man I should have been with....

Yes, it will hurt for a time, but remember this is not your fault. You have a lot to offer someone else who will appreciate who you are....

Good luck and be well mate!
 
I really feel for you. Sounds like this blindsided you. As much as the reason he gave hurts, it's a perfectly valid reason. At your age, some people want a serious relationship and others don't. That's often an issue that leads to break ups. When was 21, I had no desire for a serious relationship. This really has more to do with him than anything about you. If he wanted a serious relationship, sounds like things would have worked out with the two of you.

The best thing you can do at this time is keep busy. Surround yourself with friends and take a little time before you start dating again.
 
Smile. Keep your mind off of the hurt, and think of things that make you happy.

Just keep at it, and it'll get easier not to think of it. It's what brings all of us past hard times of all sorts. That, and time, will heal almost any wound.

Cheers! :)
 
Take time out to grieve, to punch the pillow, cry, yell "Why?". Get it out.

Then start remembering how much more this would suck had he tried to do this after you intertwined your lives so much that he COULDN'T just leave a note and a key. So there'd be lawsuits and fights and cattiness and hatred and venom and whatnot.

Then wish him well, and get on with your life. Stay busy. Put in extra shifts at work, volunteer, take a night class, join a bowling league. And stay positive. :)

Lex
 
Just a thought here, but you said that so many things remind you of him... I'd say invite some friends over to have a "painting party" with you, re-paint some rooms, change the way you have things organized - just make changes in the home so that you don't look at it the same. If you have items that keep reminding you of him change their location or remove them if they just bring too much pain.
 
All great advice to cope.

The only thing I can say is this takes time. There is no way to stop the pain. It just has to run its course. You'll feel sad, lose your appetite, enjoy nothing that used to entertain you.

But then one day, you'll wake up, and suddenly feel that everything is going to be all right.
 
Throw a dinner party and learn how to cook at least three new things. Invite everyone who hated him and then let them tell you what they reaallllly thought of the immature little prick.
 
rareboy said:
Throw a dinner party and learn how to cook at least three new things. Invite everyone who hated him and then let them tell you what they reaallllly thought of the immature little prick.
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I actually went to one of these one time. It was so much fun--caddy as could be, but so much fun, nevertheless. It was so cathartic to have that much commotion about someone everyone hated. The dumped partner ended up laughing and really enjoying himself.

Anyhow, demolay, I'm sorry this happened to you. Leaving a note on the table with keys runs up there pretty high in cowardness, in my opinion. He didn't have enough maturity, or respect for you, to talk to you in person? Unbelievable.

It's too trite to say you're better off without him, even though that might be true. It's also very difficult to believe at the moment.

I agree with most of the advice above...taking time, distractions, and looking forward to the future knowing that there are worthy guys out there to be had. Nothing does substitute, though, for time. Scream if you want, and grieve if you want. Those things are necessary and helpful. With that, though, have faith that your best days are ahead, not behind.

Sorry, again, that this happened. You deserved better.

(*8*)
 
Resist the temptation to beat yourself up over this.

So long as you've always been open and honest with him, so long as you've been true to him, your friendship with him, and in your relationship with him, then you did nothing wrong. [-X

Maybe he just needs time away to know what he had. Maybe he'll come back, maybe he won't.

The important thing for you to recognize is that he made a choice, and unfortunately he didn't choose you.

That hurts all kinds of bad, but you'll get through this.

Leaving you a note shows lack of character on his part for not having the courage to tell you face to face. Let him go.

You've received some great advice here. I hope that you'll take it. (*8*)
 
Everybody goes through this and it is really hard. Feel what you need to feel to move on. 21 is young and guys are trying to find themselves. I am 34 and can't imagine still being with my 1st 3 long term boyfriends. I needed to go through that when I was young so I could see who I was and what kind of guy was good for me. It really is a learning experience that will take you to the next level. Keep your chin up.
 
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