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I Need Help And Advice

M

MorrisseyX

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Okay here is the story I have known a guy for a long time over years it wasn't until like over a month ago we started dating. We were very close friends prior to dating. In fact, he confided in me all his problems he had with his friends, co workers, and his internal struggles. A part of me feels like he takes me for granted that he thinks I will always be there for him. I feel like I have been put on hold and he has all the control. I want to regain control and deal with this issue.

However, he has told me he doesn't want a "committed relationship." I asked him what that means he said "committed" to him means monogamy. I am no saint here I don't believe even I could just be with one man "forever" sexually. I never asked him for "monogamy" in terms of having sex with different men because I feel like I most likely would do that as well.

I just feel like he's not being totally honest with me about his feelings. I believe he has feelings for this other guy and also for me. I feel like I don't want to be with someone that is "into" me and also "into" someone else. It appears to me he wants to have his cake and eat it too. I should also point out I have issues with social anxiety and I don't have a lot of friends. I think my fear is of being alone because I have isolated myself from the world.

I still have feelings for the guy I am going out with but I just have this feeling things aren't right.

In the past year I have lost a ton of weight, through hard exercise and eating right. I will be starting a new job soon and I am rebuiding my life. I am trying to stay focused and help myself.

I feel like I should maybe split and just end the relationship now? Now, I will be honest, I don't mind if he had sex with other men but I would have a problem if he had an emotional attachment to another man. I know what I want I want a man that is into me that loves me. He says he believes people can be in love with more then one person. When I asked him if he's into someone else he said no. I am thinking we are finished because there is another guy that is very interested in my boyfriend.

The other guy's Facebook profile has a picture of the guy I am dating and him dancing at a dance. This other guy is really going after my boyfriend. In fact, they share a culture, they are the same race, and they speak another language besides English. In fact, the other guy and my guy are close they talk a lot. In fact, when I have gone out on dates to the movies or whatever with my boyfriend he always has his cell phone on him and I have seen text messages from this other guy. Even when I visited my boyfriend's house this guy called him. He says this guy and him are friends but I wonder? Also, I need to point out the guy I am dating is closeted and he and this other guy are a part of a group at the university. Is the writing on the wall here? Am I just prolonging the inevitable?

Yes, I did ask the boyfriend if there is anything going on between him and this guy he said no. But now, I think maybe I should just split. I know it will be painful but I also know I will survive this. What should I do?
 
I'd just level with him. Say you like him, you think a relationship would be fun, but you're in a bit of a state of flux right now. As such, you're not sure you can handle an open and/or "non-exclusive" relationship right now. That'd be just a bit too much on your plate at this time. So if he's not able to commit to "just you", then you'd rather go back to "just being friends" for the time being.

I can't imagine him having any issues with that. You're not pressuring him here - just letting him know what you're willing to do.

Lex
 
But here is the thing a part of me is angry and I am not even sure if I would "want" to be his friend anymore. I feel like I don't even want to be "friends" with him anymore because I feel he is being so dishonest to me about his feelings.

I feel like as though he just wants me to be "a part" of his life so even if we were just friends again this would mean he's getting what he wants. And I feel for my feelings I would need to terminate the relationship completely forever because why should I give him what he wants but he won't give me what I want?

Why lie to me about having feelings for someone else? Why not be up front and honest with me? He talks to this guy a lot on the phone. I feel like if he wants to be with this other guy he should be with him.
I can't stop him anyway he will do whatever he wants. However, I also feel I have been betrayed and I feel like I need to block him out completely out of my life forever.
 
If he was truly being dishonest, he wouldn't bother bringing up the whole "committed relationship" thing. He would've just screwed whoever he wanted on the side, and either hoped you wouldn't find out, or just dealt with that once you did. ("Hey, I never said I'd be exclusive with you.") He's at least been up front enough to say that he's not willing to commit to an exclusive relationship. It may be that nothing has really happened with him and this other guy YET, but he foresees that changing. In which case, he was smart to say something now rather than trying to hide it from you.

You already sound really jealous of this third guy, and the relationship/friendship he has with your boyfriend-not-boyfriend. I think you definitely do need to take at least two steps back and re-evaluate everything. It sounds like he and this other guy are, if nothing else, quite good friends, and I foresee you feeling the jealousy everytime he stops by or calls. In which case, perhaps it's best to cut it clean. But there's no reason to start heaping the blame at his feet with claims of dishonesty. Just leave it as "right now, he and you in a relationship would not be a good idea".

Lex
 
Yes you are right about the part about taking step back and think about everything I will definitely do that for sure. I guess I am just a bit in a flux right now and emotional. I don`t feel he is being fair or genuine because I feel he is playing with my emotions and playing games with me.

My view is he is trying to appear as though he is being `noble` and fair by saying he doesn`t want a `committed`relationship. Well why can`t he be upfront and honest about this other guy. Well why see me at all then why bother at all while making me feel we could have something special together. I do think he is being dishonest because he's not giving me an honest straight answer about this other guy. In my mind this is being dishonest. I specifically asked him if something was going on between him and this guy. I think I should of been more specific. What I should of asked is "do you have feelings for him?" that is what I want to know. I will definitely ask him this question and if he does then I will just bounce and split completely.

I definitely feel he is being dishonest because when I asked him where do you see us heading he said " I want to see where this relationship goes and it is heading somewhere."
I feel he is leading me on to a certain extent making me feel he will "committ" down the road. My belief is that he just wants me around and I can't handle that.

I definitely do see what you are saying. However, why does he continue to call me, want to see me. do things with me? It is not fair to me and my feelings and emotions. I just want frank honest answers.
 
If someone truly wants to be in a "committed" relationship, it seems to me that monogamy for a year is not too much to ask. Then you could renegotiate. This would help you with your intimacy issues with regard to this relationship. If he is not willing to make that minor commitment--he's not for you.
 
I have made up my mind your statement makes a lot of sense and I have my answer. I know exactly what I have to do I just have to end this relationship ASAP.
 
You've pretty much decided you want an exclusive relationship or nothing.

He's pretty much decided he wants an non-exclusive relationship or nothing.

Looks like it's nothing.

Lex
 
G-Lexington said:
Looks like it's nothing.
Click to expand...

I agree with Lex. So many mixed messages here.

There's little point in being in a relationship if you aren't sure what you want from it. And if you believe that your partner can have sexual involvement outside your relationship without the risk of emotional involvement- you're kidding yourself.

Before you get involved in another relationship, give some thought to exactly what you want from the relationship. Relationships are hard enough without all of these mixed messages.
 
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