I need help, been in love with a straight friend for over 3 years

[jexxsay]

Hi, I decided to look for help here, seeing as how therapy hasn't changed me much and my anti depressants have helped me calmed down a little but I'm still hung up on this guy and I feel like I'm slowly dying inside.

I met him through Facebook on a gaming page, we never talked for about a year until I started watching his live streaming and chatting with him on Skype. It started as a crush and when I told him he said he was aware and that can't give or want anything more and didn't wanna lose me.

As time passed, I felt like maybe he was confused, shy, insecure and secretly liked me back, due to very small things like him telling me "I really enjoy what we have right now" or falling asleep on Skype call while I was still on. I know it didn't mean anything but I was infatuated, and took it the wrong way. When I asked him what he meant by what we have, he said friends, etc. I felt so stupid and embarassed I overdosed on pills, the first time wasn't too dangerous as I was still conscious but I was still taken to the hospital.

Afterwards, I apologized to him and we kept talking, I tried hard to act normal around him but I couldn't. I asked him if he wanted me to stop talking to him he said "I think it's better for you" and I stopped talking for about 2 months maybe, when i did try to reach out again, I asked if we're ok, he didn't reply and I had a panic attack, shaking, body turned hot, throat was dry, I didn't know how to relax or what to do so I overdosed again, but this time was really bad. I called a friend and he came over to check on me, while my mom came home, then they both took me to the hospital and I lost consciousness by then, woke up throwing up and getting a tube up my nose in the hospital.

After I got back home, I blocked him from social media, but for a year, I felt a lot of hatred, lust, regret, kept crying, dreaming about him. Until I took a small course on how to prepare for a job hunt and interviews, I was able to relax. I reached out to him again, and as scared as I was, he replied to me. And slowly, eventually added him back on Facebook. I got my first job in June last year, and started buying him gifts, figurines, games, sending him money. We started talking more and felt like things returned back to normal but I still have feelings and he knew.

A few weeks ago, I couldn't hold it anymore, I told him I love him, he said he was aware. The morning after he messaged me saying he hopes I wasn't beating myself up. I've asked him things like "Is it ok if I say nice things to you?" he says yeah, so I tell him he's the best, the most amazing guy, that he's beautiful, that I'd do anything for him and more.

With all that, he rarely sends me a <3 on chat, even though I know he doesn't love me, it makes me wonder. I've also asked him if he wants me to go away and he said no, I asked him if it's ok for me to make him happy even if he gets married in the future he said yes. I asked to see him smile and he sent me a picture of himself smiling for me. I told him I'm ok being in the friendzone as long as I can make him happy. 2 days ago, he was showing pictures of a pomenarian puppy, and I think he accidently sent me a picture of this woman holding the puppy and immediately removed it, it made me wonder. I asked if he had a gf and he said yes, I felt so stupid, I started crying. He's told me before that everything will be ok, but I'm always scared, I fear losing him.

I feel like even if I cut him off my life it will only hurt me more, seeing as the year not talking to him didn't help at all. I'm still hung up on him, and he still lets me be his friend, buy him things, say nice things to him. I'm dying for him. I don't know what else to do, please, someone help.

Deep down, I've been hoping that he's a straight man who marries a woman and has kids but down the road will eventually come out as gay like I know many men have, I'm really pathetic for all this and to even hope for that. I'm a failure, I hate myself and only devote myself to him, it doesn't make sense. Please help

 

[KaraBulut]

Here's the plain truth: this is not "love", it's addiction. If you read through your thread, this sounds like someone who has a dependence on something, who "quits" for short periods of time and then returns to the thing that they are addicted to because they feel powerless to stop.

If you are in therapy, fire your therapist and get one who has a plan for dealing with this addiction and the self-destructiveness that is behind the addictive behaviors.

 

[Benvolio]

His behavior is as unusual as yours is. It is hard for us to guess what he is thinking since we have only heresay information. It sounds as though you have never met him in person, right? I suggest you tell him you would like to see him in person. If it happens he will seem like a different person, and probably break the spell. As it is, there is no chance it is going anywhere. If he agrees to meet, perhaps he is gay and something will develop. If he will not meet, you need to break off and find actual friends. It is cruel for him to string you along, and it is making you unhappy.

 

[TX-Beau]

Yeah, that's not love. The moment suicide attempts come into the picture, we are no longer qualified to help.

If you don't like your therapist get another one. If you are just ignoring your therapist, there is nothing we can do for you.

 

[Seasoned]

How honest have you been with your therapist?

Do check out Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous (SLAA) online.

 

[Alabaster]

I noticed there were no "I feel you" responses, and although everyone thus far has been correct in their advice or wisdom, I felt like sharing that I've had a couple relationships similar to yours would help in its own way. You're not unique or alone in this sort of entanglement, believe me.

I know there's a huge appeal to finding someone you really connect with, especially if they excel at turning your emotions back toward you. Like, his answer being it might be best for you when asked if you should end the friendship. Or letting things slip, such as a photo of his gf, then quickly removing it without explanation, prompting you to bring it up, you to have the issue, you to have the negative emotional reaction. And the occasional <3 is what I like to call a non-comm. It communicates nothing specific, only that you've done something he's happy with. "Good boy," essentially, and that's kinda my segue at this point.

Everyone enjoys being complimented, fawned over to a degree, crushed on, loved even. It's entirely possible that a gay man can make an entirely straight man happy in that way without a romantic element involved, so much (and so comfortable) that he can fall asleep peacefully mid-Skype. But, for the segue's sake, I've realized once or twice that there are straight guys you'll come across that (most likely without them even realizing) will behave toward you as if you're their pet, the noble lifter of spirits, the faithful but inferior companion, and so forth. Do not, however, and this from personal experience, confront him regarding the idea of him treating you as a pet. Whether he knows he's doing it or not, he has a mountain of emotional control and can do some serious damage if he feels like he's been caught out or wrongly accused.

Sadly, the only thing that has ever worked for me in the past is to be entirely honest regarding my own feelings for them - via email or some wall of text through which you can fully express yourself (calmly and eloquently without anger or attitude or expectations) - and then take it upon yourself to cease communication altogether. I think the reason you had such a negative holdover emotionally during your first attempt to cut ties was thanks to that "best for you" statement. It was his decision, but your shortcoming that prompted it, AND you lost him and any comfort he could've provided (and should've as a friend) but - as I worded it deliberately just now - he made it clear it'd be best to end the relationship, but only because you weren't able to handle it, and he was just looking out for you or some such nonsense.

Consciously or not, people will try to control those around them, especially if they get a positive boost from someone in particular. Sadly again, that's a two-way street, and I'm as guilty of trying to control my straight crushes in the past as it seems you may be in this instance. But I want to stress that's normal, typical, but just not healthy and something we have to overcome and avoid in the future.

I'll end this particular wall of text with things I find unacceptable under any circumstances, though these are subjective opinions, grain of salt territory, etc.

If you've had a major depressive episode and a major panic/anxiety episode involving him, he needs to stop dangling that carrot and stick it in his eye, in my opinion. That sorta makes me think he's aware of what he's doing, and that sorta makes him a bit (or just plain) dangerous.

Any relationship - gay, straight, both, platonic or romantic or somewhere in between - predicated on one half telling the other "if you feel good making me feel good, go for it" is a nuke on a short fuse. I feel ill when someone with romantic feelings buys me gifts or sends money, and the second they do I match them in return. Then it's made clear it shouldn't happen again, because no lasting good will come of it, ever. If he needs money, write up a 100 year loan agreement at zero interest. Put a tongue-in-cheek step between your cash and his hand. And any physical gifts will feel like trophies he gets to keep if you have a falling out, as well. Again, these are subjective, but I've been there more than once. Maybe that's enough to make all this suspect or void altogether, but I hope it helps to hear what worked for me, and I hope it helps to know you aren't the only one who's going or been through it.

Good luck and take care of yourself no matter what.

 

[mcbrion]

Kara Bulut's response remains the most accurate. Too many guys call something love, when it has nothing to do with love. There is an old book, called, "Is It Love or Is It Addiction?"
Too many of the posts on here about I'm-in-love-with-a-straight-guy come directly out of not liking oneself very much, no matter how much denial you are in. Picking someone who is 180 degrees away from you in terms of sexual orientation is very unhealthy. But it does have a payoff: you never have to face that you might not be capable of forming not just a "healthy" connection, but a deeply loving one. And as the old chestnut goes, De-Nile (denial) is a river in Egypt. Ridding oneself of denial is an imperative for advancing into the arms of self-esteem. And there is no such thing as "Love" when you have no self-esteem. It is a hard, hard lesson to learn (and I have a friend going thru that now, and he masked all his craziness until he was 57, and then a family member committed suicide and he came completely unraveled). His path back is long and hard, but I trust he'll make it.
If you are gay, stay the hell away from these straight guys that you make your "friend" when your true motive is to immolate yourself in pain. A healthy person is not going to do that to him/herself (okay, maybe, possibly, ONCE. and ONLY ONCE). Any more frequently than that? You are a person who SEEKS pain. Unpleasant fact, but unassailable truth.

 

[eastofeden]

I think you should revisit your therapist or find another one. Seriously......

You need to understand and come to terms with the circumstances that led you to this place.

I promise you..there is nothing at all good about the place you are in with this guy. I suspect the dynamics or the man or both represent something else in your life....and though it feels like love...it really isn't love at all. You will need the help of a therapist to sort it out...please reconsider and find yourself a good therapist who can help you.

 

[charmedones_p3]

This type of situation is never healthy for you. I have been there and done that, the whole nine yards. I eventually came to the conclusion that he could only have the affect on me that i allowed him too. I loved him and i made the hardest decision in my life and i viciously ripped him out of my life. It was difficult but you can do it you just have to stay strong and know that you deserve someone that loves you in the same way that you love them.

 

[Benvolio]

Again. Meet him and you may not like him at all.

 

[Georgiadude]

You're infatuated with this guy. Trying to buy his attention and affection will never work. Of course he said it was ok to send him gifts and money. Someone that truly cared for you would have said no. A friend wouldn't need gifts to stick around. Especially after you told him you have feelings for him. He's using you. Plain and simple. Waiting around on the hopes he's gay is silly. He has a gf that he didn't even tell you about. Why was he hiding her? I agree you should find a new therapist and keep looking for someone more deserving of your affection. You'll find someone that'll actually care about you and not about what you can give them. You didn't say how old you are but you're just wasting time waiting around for him. He's never going to return your affection. If it were going to happen it would have happened by now. Stop sending him gifts and money. Stop spending time on internet games and actually get out in the real world and find someone that'll actually be able to give you the attention you're seeking. It's best to cut ties with him. You obviously can't control yourself when it cones down to him. He's straight and will never be able to love you the way you deserve. Its just not going to happen.

Steven

 

[cloudblade70]

I was in love with one of my straight best friends/roommates for a long time, and it was not healthy for either of us. The thing was, I'm pretty sure he knew I had a crush on him, and we fed off each other, spending almost all of our time together 24/7, at the expense of our other friends. We became jealous when we hung out with other people. I kept holding out hope that he would eventually turn around and confess undying love; reading some journals I kept during this time makes me cringe. We moved apart eventually both physically and emotionally and still keep in touch, in a much healthier completely platonic friendship.