I need help- seriously

[lostone89]

So, when i was a teenager, i attended a small "christian" school. Despite the title christian; i was constantly abused sexually, mentally, physically, and spiritually by guys in the upper grade levels because i thought differently. i can remember many times i would just be walking down the hallway trying to keep to myself, and i would get caught in a group of older guys who would grab me and push me around calling me "queer", and "faggot", even before i realized my own sexual orientation. Yet despite the fact that I was being called gay on a daily basis, they were the ones constantly grabbing my crotch and dry humping me, etc. Several times i went to the prinicpal and other teachers telling them what was happening; and they told me that it was my own fault and that i was going to burn in hell for leading other men into sin. They actually made me apologize to my abusers. after all this finally ended, i graduated (barely) and have lived with these terrible secrets for four years. a few people know that i was abused, but NO ONE knows yet that i am gay. here's my problem- I want so much to date a guy and to have a relationship of some sort, but i have been hurt so much in the past with the abuse that it is almost impossible for me to talk to other guys; much less ask one out. This tears me up every time i consider talking to a guy, and makes it impossible for me to open up. what should i do?? is there any way to change all this, or am i just crazy after all? please help me...

 

[HunterM]

You need to seek professional counseling. You need someone you could talk about these secrets face to face. Based on their training and experiences, they will be able to suggest solutions for you to try.

Meanwhile, try to make friends with guys. Just talking and making new guy friends. The only way to overcome your issues is to face your fears. You already have bad memories stored up. You need to balance that out with good experiences on hanging out with other guys. Make more good memories than the bad ones.

Participate in the Hot Topic forum here (or other forums of your liking). Contribute by posting your opinions and comments on a variety of topics that you're interested in. Hopefully, when you feel comfortable with us (faceless crowd) here, it will prepare you to face people around you.

 

[Benvolio]

Where do you live? Perhaps someone here will meet just to tallk. Does your city have a Metropolitan Community Church? Does alcohol reduce your inhibitions? Gay bars are always a good place to meet.

 

[Rolyo85]

Have you actually been sexually abused? What you described was physical and verbal abuse, not sexual.

And I suggest taking small steps. Go online, talk to people, not with the idea of dating them, but of making friends, maybe even just chatting. It's so much easier to open up to someone online than face to face. Try that and see where it takes you.

But mostly, you should find a trusted friend - never mind gender or orientation - and come out to them. This secret is destructive, and it only adds to your problem.

And I also think you should see someone about this. A professional. They will be able to give you much better advice than anyone here.

 

[evanrick]

sue the school, disenfranchise the school, but don't let them get away with what they did to you.

perhaps you can detail to us specific circumstances this abuse occured

 

[Seasoned]

Welcome to JUB. I am so happy you are beginning to break your silence on the abuse you suffered. I think the school ought to be liable for the harm they allowed. The best way through fear, hurt and shame is acknowledgement followed by sharing. You've begun that process which is great. Therapy could help move this along in a healthful way provided that you find an excellent therapist.

You're not alone and other survivors and the people who've helped them can be excellent resources. Getting in touch with the right professional could lead to finding a support group. Your path is learning to trust and take safe risks when it comes to meeting new people. You're no longer a child and now have the right and responsibility to leave unhealthy, uncomfortable and abusive situations. Let that fact help with any social risk taking you do.

I wish you the very best. There is a rich future ahead. I hope you find all the inner resources to make that happen.

 

[lostone89]

I know it seems difficult to believe my story given all of the recent "revelations" of sexual abuse going on around the country, which is part of the reason i haven't told many people about it. Yes i was sexually abused, but i try not to think about specific events in which it happened because they bring me back great pains. But just so everyone knows the extent of the kinds of abuse that happened, i will tell you one event which is permanently etched into my memory. One day while our 7th grade PE class were playing basketball against the senior guys, one of the seniors knocked me down and i hit my knee really hard on the tile florr of the gymn. He apologized and told the coach he'd help me back to the locker room and get me an ice pack to make sure that i was ok, and the coach was okay with that. After he sat me down on the bench, he asked me if i had ever been with another person before intimately. i told him no and he said good. while i was putting the ice pack on my knee, he put his arm around my shoulder and began whispering filthy comments in my ear. i was still a virgin and had no clue as to my sexual orientation yet, and i was scared out of my mind. i didn't know what to do: i was sitting here a scared little seventh grader, and my voice was gone from fear- what could i do? he got up and locked the doors to the locker room, then came back over and stood in front of me. he pulled out his dick and began slapping it against my face saying 'i bet you want this don't you you little fag." I pleaded with him to stop what he was doing as it was against God's will, but he said "God doesn't care what happens to little fags like you." after that he mad me lie down on the bench while he sat on my chest and masturbated. after he was finished, he told me to get cleaned up and to not tell anyone because no one would believe me, and because God would punish me for making him sin. I was in tears for the rest of the afternoon, but never told anyone what happened. So now you know the kind of things that went on. This is why i need help.

 

[HunterM]

Go get professional counseling! Don't bottle it up anymore. You need emotional healing so you can move on with life. Otherwise, memories of these abuses may keep you from starting intimate relationship with men because you don't know how to cope with them.

 

[Rolyo85]

The problem is the wave of fake stories ON HERE, not outside... But part of the policy of this forum is giving people the benefit of the doubt.

I'll repeat what others have said - if all of this is true, you need therapy, nothing less would help.

 

[palbert]

I concur with the others that you need professional counseling. I myself was a victim of child sexual buse and if there is any way you think I can help please PM me. We don't know where you live which makes it difficult to personalize help, but your area must have a diversity helpline. Look into ALL of the resources available.

 

[epod85]

Yes professional counseling is the only real option here and you should definitely look into it. They will be able to help you work through it, and perhaps when you're ready you may want to look into whether or not legal action is available for you.