I need help with my relationship

[alexvyas]

So as I was finishing up my first year at the University of Washington, I was feeling a little lonely and sad about going back home to Los Angeles for the summer. I love it in Seattle. The night before my flight I hooked up with this guy. We didn't go all the way. The clothes came off, but the only thing we did was making out, oral and cuddling. We ended up cuddling up together and falling asleep until morning. It was amazing. The next day I left Seattle for the summer.

The next day, the guy texts me saying we should hang out again when I get back home to Seattle. I reply saying it would be fun to see him again. After that we had this text/online relationship. We got to know each other during that time. We did this for about two months. During that time he told me that he liked me. He did this on two separate occasions. I liked him, too. The biggest twist though is that he's in ROTC and going into the Navy after he graduates, so he isn't out. I'm fine with that, but it sort of limits certain things.

Then in August, I went back up for a week to settle some school-related things. We made plans to actually hang out while I was up there. The couple of weeks before that I made sure to have actual conversations with him over the phone so that things weren't awkward when we hung out. I come up and we hang out. It was basically our first date. It was great and we ended up fooling around in the back seat of my car. Once again, it felt so right. The rest of the week we saw each other every night. He would come over and stay the night.

Then towards the end of the week, before I went back and he left for a sailing trip, he told me he loves me. He was looking at me in this adorable way that he never did before. And I could tell something was on his mind. He then tells me, "I think I love you." I was a little surprised. No one has ever said that to me in a romantic way before. At first I didn't say anything because I didn't know how to react. He took that as me not feeling the same way. Then he went on to tell me that he doesn't want me to wait for him while he's in the Navy and that he wants me to just move on because it's unfair to me that he cannot be open about this. I started crying. After that we went to bed. I obviously couldn't sleep and was up thinking about how I felt about him. I realized that I love him, also and I got over my fear and told him that I love him. That was the night before he left for his sailing trip. Before he left for his trip he came by and we watched a movie and he gave me one of his shirts so that I would have something of his to sleep with. Then he left. The next day I went back to Los Angeles.

For the next two weeks, we didn't talk. He couldn't use his phone on the trip. It was with his ROTC group. This gave us both a lot of time to think about things. During that time I realized that I would not be able to just let him go. I would rather have him with restrictions than not have him at all. When he came back I told him how I felt. He agreed. We decided to give this a shot and now we are boyfriends.

So school is starting back up and I'm taking this upcoming quarter off and coming back up to Seattle in January. I'm going to be visiting so I will get to see him a few times over that time period. We feel that this will be good so that it gives us more time to develop a stronger emotional connection before jumping into the physical part of the relationship. We already know it will work on that level.

One thing that is a problem is that he needs to be a little careful when texting and talking to me around his friends. He's from a small town and hangs out with the same people he's known since the sixth grade. His friends are very close-knit. They would be suspicious if he started talking and texting some random person, especially since up until this point in his life he's hung out/texted/talked to the same people. And he needs to be careful about who knows due to his going into the Navy.

So today I called him and suggested that we set up a time to talk. So that we have a regular time that we can both count on. He didn't want to do that and we decided instead to just call each other and if the other was busy would call later.

Here is my question. He tells me that he cannot be out because if the wrong person knew about him and they decided to tell the ROTC/Navy it could mean he would be kicked out and have to drop out of school since they are paying for his education. However, I don't think that telling his closest friends would be a mistake. The way I see it is that if he told his close friends that he is gay and also explained to them why they had to keep it secret they would understand. I can't imagine anyone's friends who would purposely try to make trouble for them like that. He says he's okay with telling everyone but that it's just not a good time because of the Navy. He's planning to tell his mom and his brother sometime this year.

Is it really the Navy that's preventing him from coming out or maybe is he just not ready and is using that as a reason why he can't tell anyone? He tells me that when he does tell everyone, he knows they will be okay with it.

The second question I have is sometimes I feel like I call and text him a lot more than he does me. I feel like I initiate it more than he does. I understand that he can't call and text too much around his friends (He lives with his best friends also). How do I get him to initiate the calling/texting more often so that I feel like it's more balanced? Should I just be direct with him? Or will that be a mistake?

Thank you for reading all of this and thanks for your input.

 

[KaraBulut]

Congrats on finding someone and having the feelings be mutual.

Is it really the Navy that's preventing him from coming out or maybe is he just not ready and is using that as a reason why he can't tell anyone? He tells me that when he does tell everyone, he knows they will be okay with it.

It really is the Navy. If he's in ROTC, he's going in as an officer and he doesn't want to rock the boat (so to speak).

Ironically, there are a lot of Navy guys who are gay even though the Navy is the least tolerant of the services when it comes to the "don't ask, don't tell" (DADT) issue.

There have been instances where an ROTC member came out and not only was he kicked out, he was also expected to repay all of the loans that he had received from ROTC programs. This was done in spite of his willingness to serve.

In the US, the Congress is pushing to repeal DADT. And recruiting for all services is down. Increasingly, services are beginning to look the other way on the private lives of their members. And I hear from several friends serving in Iraq that they have openly gay members serving in their platoon.

The second question I have is sometimes I feel like I call and text him a lot more than he does me. I feel like I initiate it more than he does. I understand that he can't call and text too much around his friends (He lives with his best friends also). How do I get him to initiate the calling/texting more often so that I feel like it's more balanced? Should I just be direct with him? Or will that be a mistake?

If you are in love with this guy, this is part of the deal. Accept it. Learn to live with it. It's not going to change any time soon. And it will get worse when he goes on active duty.

Once he as a .mil address, assume that every thing he writes is being filtered or read. And even on private messages like texting and chat, keep in mind that someone else could have the opportunity to read everything that is written.

What the two of you need to do is figure out a code of how to communicate via email, text and voice when he's unable to speak openly. So, instead of the word "gay" you learn to substitute words like "kewl", for example.

 

[btiger]

First, I wouldn't pressure him to come out. Keep in mind that as a service person he has a lot to lose. Yes, it would be nice if he did/could but it's really up to him. You have him and you two have the rest of your lives. He's not likely to stay in the closet forever so be patient.

Second, I would worry too much about him not initiating texts. Keep in mind where he is etc. If you feel like you're sort of chasing his affections then give him a little space maybe (petty, I know). Remember he told you he loved you first. That must count for something.

I agree with not pressuring him to come out. Regardless of being in the service, he needs to do this when he's ready. He was the first to say he loves you and it sounds like he really does. It'll just take him some time to be ready to tell others. I know it sucks having to be careful and feeling like you can't have a 'regular' relationship but I think if you pressure him it would cause more harm than good. Since he said he plans to tell his mom and brother it sounds like he eventually go through with it. Just let him do it on his time table.

 

[alexvyas]

Thanks for all your responses. :]

I never thought about pressuring him, but if the reason he isn't telling people was because he himself isn't ready then I want to be there for him to help him deal with that. I feel like it's so much easier to come out when he has someone there helping him through it.

I'm not really familiar with how the Navy works, so I never really understood the severity of the consequences. I don't want to cause any harm or trouble for him. Hopefully policy changes.

 

[Persian89]

You're story is really cute
Made me all warm inside actually ^^ thanks, needed it.

 

[swarley]

This reminds me of that grey's anatomy episode about the 2 gay soldiers who have to hide it and then they finally get caught kissing in his hospital room and his dad finally accepts their love... and then the soldier dies in the operating room. These kind of relationships are kind of sweet and sad at the same time. Sweet because the 2 people are fighting to be together even though they have to hide it and sad because it usually comes out sooner or later which is usually painful for the soldier

 

[ytnes87]

I have been in almost the exact situation as you. It happened a couple years ago. It was the summer before my sophomore year in college. I had been home over the summer, and one of my really close friends and I started hooking up. He was a gorgeous guy with the perfect body type and everything. It was a great summer and i'll never ever forget the times we had.

During the beginning of the school year he came to visit me a couple times and even told me he loved me. I was head over heels for him. Problem? He was in the closet, and I had just come out. Everything was ok when both of us were in the closet and we both had to hide ourselves from everyone else. Once I became comfortable at school with my new friends, i realized i didn't have to hide anymore. He didn't (and still doesn't) feel the same way. We slowly but surely grew apart, and our clandestine meetings at his house in the middle of the night became few and far between. He told me he couldn't be out of the closet because of his friends, and because he was going into the marines. I got bitchy and jealous that he was hanging out with his 'girlfriend' (if you could call her that... the bitch looks like a fuckin troll), and told my close friends at home that we had been hooking up. That was a huge mistake.

We talk occasionally these days, only via text message, and the last time i hooked up with him was over the summer while he was home. But everything between us has changed. It all feels so fake. I've become so uncomfortable physically with him that i can't even perform around him. I decided that i would stop this charade with him before both of us get hurt more.

For a long time i sat around wondering why things just couldn't work out between us. We had been such good friends and gotten so close. I always texted him and called him way more than he communicated with me, etc. I will tell you this: it's not going to be the same as it was when it first started, but it gets better. After awhile, I realized that i'll always have our first summer together, and i'll always have the memories of the way things were when we genuinely enjoyed each other's company. If you have that, you have a lot. I love thinking about him now; he's far away in the marines and at college, in fact i think he's going to iraq next year. And even though he's far away and doesn't want to remember what we had, he can't take the memories from me. And deep down i think he cherishes what we had too... he's just not in the position to really come out or feel good about himself in that way. And that's his problem, not mine. You have to get yourself in that mindset, and you'll begin to feel better.