I. Need. Help

[Conflicted]

Well, first I should state that I am so overwhelmed with anxiety right now, it's really difficult for me to post this here and I am wondering if I am not just digging myself into this hole of despair even more.

For the past 3 or 4 months, I've been obsessive over the fact that I might gay/bisexual. This is like a nightmare for me to realize this after 25 years of knowing myself. To think that I'm not who my identity says I am. I've had so many trials and tribulations thus far and to think that I now have to get used to this "new me" while establishing myself in this world at the same time, is really too much.

When I dig deep into my past, I can find nothing that would indicate a gay orientation. My first kiss when I was around the age of 9 or 10 was with a girl and I remember always associating erections with the nude female form. I remember me and my cousin drawing pictures at the kitchen table in the presence of my parents and talking about erections, much to my dad's amusement. I remember saying to my cousin something along the lines of "You know a boner, like when you see a naked girl" and my mom being rather shocked and somewhat disturbed, but my dad laughing a bit. I believe this was long before I knew a whole lot about sex and I cannot recall every having similar feelings in relation to other males.

Anyway, I started masturbating at around 11/12 years old, even though I still wasn't very educated about sex. In elementary school and especially Junior High/High School, I had many "crushes" on female classmates and a lot of my teachers. I have only attempted to get a girlfriend a few times during these years, but failed. Insecurity has been something that still plagues me to this day and there has been times where I felt completely undesirable in the eyes of the opposite sex. One incident that still sticks out in my mind is when I was called ugly by a girl at school. Insecurity, low self-esteem and a lot of contempt for other people. Many gay/bisexual people say "I felt different from an early age". I did too, but no matter how hard I try, I cannot relate it to sexual orientation. I was treated as if I was different and made to feel I was, thus I felt I was and still to this day I do.

During Junior High, I began to use two tools of escapism: drugs and porn. Smoking pot and breaking out the porn and masturbating all night became a regular late night ritual for me. The goal was to escape this world and enter that of one which was total pleasure and where I wasn't hated or found disgusting, but where I was desirable and wanted. I hated conventional society and always had a need to "shock" people and I found an idol in Marilyn Manson in those days (yes, I had bad taste). From that I developed a distaste for organized religion and I was always drawn to that which was shocking, taboo and scary to other people. I began dying my hair, dressing "freaky". This plus the fact I was painfully shy with girls and mostly seen with guy friends got me labeled a faggot, queer and I even had people question me if I was gay. This angered me, especially considering the fact I was dying inside because I wanted nothing more than a girlfriend, but when the time would come I would freeze up with them.

Well, from what I remember thoughts of sex with men didn't come into play until after I began feeling like a "faggot". In my drug-induced fantasies I would have sex with women, men, shemales....everything and everything I saw in my stacks of porn mags. There were no limitation and I was often the object of desire. I never thought much about them really, because outside of that fantasy world - I can honestly say that I've never felt desire for other males and if I would think about it, I can recall feeling disgusted by the thought. It was simply not reality, but since Junior High I've always carried this paranoid, insecure feeling of being looked at as a gay person. Even though in recently I didn't think much about it, especially during my rare periods of confidence.

The fantasies always carried themes though. I remember thinking my dick was too small in those days and always felt scared that a girl would think it was too small and thinking my male friends had bigger ones, which lead to feeling like less-of-a-man and inadiquant. The men I'd engage in sexual activity with were always superior, porn star types. I remember one vivid one where one said "that's not a cock...this is what you need". Though I didn't think hard about it, this seemed like a way to obtain what I lacked. I think also my mind was eroticzing the fear and torment I felt. I'd have sex group sex with masculine men in which I was the main, often submissive focus and some how my brain relates that to those who called me faggot and made me feel like one. This felt good, as these men weren't hating me and mocking me for being a fag, but actually embracing me for it.

Anyway, After 9th grade I was kicked out of school for being a trouble maker. I was transfered to a new one and that is where I met my first girlfriend. I believe I had to be about 16/17 years old. Losing my virginity felt great and I couldn't get enough of sex. Due to insecurity and paranoia, I lost her after being together over a year and a half. I sank into such a deep depression over losing her. I cried my eyes old and it took a long time to get over it.

It wasn't until a few years ago that I got the internet and was exposed to the wonderful web of any kind of porn I wanted to see. For a long time now, I've engaged in cyber sex and sexual conversation with men, women, crossdressers and such in which I claimed to be bisexual and even lied about having multiple sexual experiences with both men and women - none of which were truth. To me, this felt like a role until recently and now I really question where I stand. When I'd have cyber with men, which wasn't as often as with women. I didn't want to see their pics as I did with women, I didn't like showing them my cam when I had one. After it was over, I'd just close the window and forget them.

I can honestly say that I really don't think I ever felt romantic/emotional attraction for me. Even physical attraction. I've never been out at Wal-Mart or walking the streets and saw a guy that caused excitment in me. I never felt anything for a male classmate, but I have had certain male friends I hung out with more than others. To think I might of had a homosexual attraction for them, creates anxiety in me.

Anyway, in october of '06 I had a sexual encounter with another male. Thanks to the internet, I discovered what gloryholes were. I was working in the city at the time and somehow found out that many of the porn shops had them. It felt exicting to think about, but I was very hestitant to do it. I wasn't think about how this could possibility change the way I viewed myself. I don't think it was desire for men either, I think it was an impulse to do something "dirty" and keep in mind, my last sexual encounter was about 4 years before (blowjob from a female who lived close by). I desired girls so badly, looking at them on the street, yet felt I wasn't good enough for them. Anyway, I woke up one day hellbent on doing it. I watched gay porn before I left the house to get in the mood and to make a long story short, I got a quick blowjob. I can't recall "how it felt", as it felt like a dream, as if it took place in my head. I honestly feel that is there wasn't a wall between us, I doubt I could of went through with it. Or, if I thought harder about it. I felt unwanted and felt my desire for women was doomed and since none wanted me, why not just do it? Fuck the world...get sexual release from somebody who will do it.

Anyway, this didn't start to bother me until a year after. After I sank into a deep depression and I've been conflicted about the gay porn, the cyber sex, looking at craigslist ads for encounters with crossdressers, guys and transexuals...

For the past few months, I've researched every damn website on sexuality, which I think has confuses me more. I've talked to gay/bi men. Some told me I was in denial, other's told me I was straight and have nothing to worry about.

I've been using porn now as a "test". I've been looking at images of men and women and trying to see what arouses me and what doesn't.

I recently after being single for 8 years, finally started a relationship with a girl. She lives on the other side of the world, but I've known her for 4 years and she might be moving here in only a few months. We went out on our first real date early this month and I got an erection just from her leg on my knee!

I didn't tell her about the encounter, but I have told her I am conflicted with thoughts I might be gay/bisexual. I told her it's an OCD think, which I believe is rather true. I found out about Homosexual Obsessive Compulsive disorder and my head is very similar to those who have it. She thinks I am wasting my time thinking about it and she is tried of hearing me conflicted over it. Weird think, I've talked to her online about it, but over the phone and in-person, I can't. It just seems crazy when it comes out of my mouth.

I came close to telling her we shouldn't label ourselfs as "in a relationship" yet, but I can't let her go. I have fears maybe I am not attracted to her and just using her as "a beard". Since she lives far, far away I have paranoid fears that it seems like a perfect homosexual excuse.

Since this has being happening, it feels as if women are a million miles away. They were on my mind constantly and now it's like I have no emotion and I am loaded with anxiety.

I hear stories of guys coming out at 25/later in life and I am scared shitless.

One thing that keeps me from labeling myself gay/bi, except for the doubt I have over actually having a face to face encounter with a man and extreme fear of losing the attraction for women and conforming to life with another man - is straightguise.com reading a lot of stuff on this site, makes me relate to it...

Am I a closet case or a really conflicted sexual-starved straight man?

I also want to ask gay men who were married/in relationships with women if they felt depressed over losing a female companion?

 

[StlKj]

First off, welcome to the forums. Congratulations on taking the step of posting this here.

Now, what I have to say is perhaps not very helpful in your eyes, but it really is the best anyone here is going to be able to do. I highly encourage you to find a therapist who specializes in GLBT sexual identity issues. If you are gay, you need a safe place to begin exploring why you are so obsessively negative towards the possibility of it. If you are not gay, you need to figure out what you need to do to establish a healthy heterosexual relationship.

You say nothing about what your family's views are on homosexuality and if that has had any impact on your fear. You also don't mention any former sexual abuse, which can often account for confusion and chaos surrounding the topic of sexual identity. Without more information, and without proper training, anything we can offer you on here is pure speculation, and virtually guaranteed to make you obsess over it more.

This is a very complex issue you have here, and it really needs to be explored by someone with the education and the experience to help you unravel it. Please seriously consider drumming up the courage to find a professional who can help. Again, a GLBT therapist would be best.

The only other advice I could really offer would be to attempt to stop judging yourself for whatever you. You have yourself so terrified of being gay that if you are, you won't even let yourself entertain the idea. It's evident that you are very hard on yourself, and it's also clear that as long as you are, you're not going to ever feel comfortable with who you are. Be kind to yourself. Accept the possibility that you might be gay or bi. Forgive yourself your fear.

 

[G-Lexington]

Welcome to JUB!

First off, just to give you a counter-example, I had no idea I was gay until I was almost out of college. This was mainly because I'm simply not visually atuned. Porn of either stripe tends not to get me that excited. I only realized I was gay when I forced myself to actually LOOK at men in a sexual way. That was like a door opening for me.

But back to you.

Upon reading your story, my gut feeling - and that's all it is - is that you probably AREN'T gay. You appear to have found males sexually exciting because 1. they had what you believed you did not (a large cock), and 2. they could most easily play the role of a dominating figure. You seem less interested in men for their basic maleness than for what they might represent.

I'd second two suggestions of KJ's. Do seek out a therapist to help work you through these issues. And try to lay off the obsession of "defining yourself". Don't be in a rush to hang out a shingle announcing "I am gay" or "I am bisexual" or "THIS is what turns me on." Because sometimes it's tough to define, these definitions can change over time, and there's a tendency to feel that, once the shingle is out, you must live according to what's written on that shingle, rather than whatever it is you're feeling right now.

I remember for a time being obsessed with sex in the shower. When I jerked off, that's what I thought of. When I had a boyfriend, I always wanted to have sex in the shower. Were I forced to define myself at that time, I would've been a "sex-in-the-shower guy". But, just as suddenly as it started, it stopped. I'm not AGAINST sex in the shower, but it's certainly not the first (nor second) thing I think of, nor the first (nor second) place I suggest having sex.

Try not to get hung up on it too much. Sex is supposed to be fun. If, right now, you're getting off to pictures of women, pictures of men, or pictures of skyscrapers, cool - pull up pictures of skyscrapers and jerk off to your heart's content. Don't ask yourself between strokes, "What does this MEAN?!" If it gets you off, it gets you off - go with it.

As for your ladyfriend? You've explained your situation to her, which was extremely admirable on your part. Give it a go. But try to leave your expectations at the door. If it works out, if it doesn't work out, this won't "prove" anything. If it works, it doesn't mean you're not bisexual. If it doesn't, it doesn't mean you're not straight. Just go in, and try to enjoy the relationship, and the sex, for what it is.

Good luck to you!

Lex

 

[Conflicted]

Yes, I suppose I left out a few things.

I'm going on 26 and I still live at home with my parents and have been unemployed for the long time. I rarely leave the house and don't really have any friends offline, at least none that I see on a regular basis.

I have never been sexually abused. If I was, it must be the most remarkable case of repressed memory in the history of psychology.

My family, including myself often make fun of gays and the words "fag", "faggot" and "queer" are thrown around daily. I'm sorry if that offends anyone. However, I'm pretty sure that deep inside there is no real intense hatred for gays. If I am in fact gay/bisexual, I believe they would still love me. My dad would be a bit confused and maybe disappointed, but he's not the type of guy who'd kick me out of the house or anything like that.

Me and my dad laugh and joke with each other, we do go out places from time to time and see each other every damn day. I live with him, but there wasn't a real closeness with him. I'm 25 and I cannot ever remember hugging him. His dad wasn't affectionate with him, so I don't think me or my dad know how to be with each other. There is just an awkwardness there. I'm pretty fine with that too.

As for a therepist, as I said I am unemployed so I can't afford one. I simply have no other outlet.

There are many reasons why I have anxiety about the possibility of me being gay:

One is that a life absent of women (even though I've hardly gotten any and had few relationships in my 25 years) is something that troubles me. I can't get used to the fact the the object of my torment, haha and what I always wanted (or thought I wanted) is something I never really wanted.

Identity is another reason. I'm into heavy metal music, deeply engrossed in it and often credit it as a "saving grace" in life. I'm deeply involved in "the scene" and despite being a male dominate genre, it isn't very open to gay/bisexual men and I feel as if I must chosen between being bisexual/gay or the music I like, the way I want to look/dress and who I associate with. I DO know I can be both and image and taste isn't a reflection of orientation - but to be both is just too conflicting. I feel as if I am slowly becoming unable to relate to all these things that occupied my mind and that I loved for so long.

The thought of being gay/bisexual feels as if it's something I would have to "settle" for and conform too. To me, this doesn't seem right to me.

When I close my eyes and think hard about who I want lying in bed with me, the initial thought is a woman, but the thoughts of men seem intrusive. It's like my brain is telling me I want men, but my emotions and spirit is telling me women. I can watch a gay porno film and maintain an erection if I keep touching myself - but I do have doubt if I could ever do it. To smell a man, hear his voice and actually experience his touch...I think I would run the other way. I have no doubt that I can be intimate with a women, I have...but just lately, I feel very anxious and disconnected. It seems not real....I think this is due to having NO women in my life. Except of course for my GF, but she is untouchable now. When I was kissing her and touching her, it felt great. I said to myself "no fucking way could I do this with a man".

I watch everything I do and question everything I do now. I often wonder if Judas Priest is my favorite band because Halford is gay and is a subconscious hero. I wonder if I wear leather and tight pants and joke about gays as a passive expression of my inner self.


When I go out, it's a nightmare. In my head I hear "everyone knows you're gay" and I look at men just to test myself. It's crazy cause every guy I see, my head is telling me I'm into them. Even gross, old guys who I'd want nothing to do with.

I often wonder if porn has messed up my head, by giving me very false thoughts of reality.

I'm sure for many gay men, the idea of having a loving relationship with a man is a nice one. To me, it's scary. Scary to think it's something I might actually want or find myself doing. What keeps me checking and obsessing is the idea that maybe I do and if I don't, I am just lying to myself and others. Living a life of no integrity.

When I watch TV and I see any guy I hear voices tell me to just blurp out at the table "he's hot", even though I feel nothing for this person.

This doesn't even feel like me typing all of this. I'm like an automatize robot not in touch with reality.

 

[Conflicted]

I should also add, I never told her about cyber sex with men and the encounter. I told her I got a boner while watch a gay porn and I've analyzed my life and question a lot. I told her I looked at gay/bi porn as a test and that I got hard and was able to cum once.

Aside from finding the concept of me being gay/bi she said it's most likely I get off on guilt and shame. She said THAT's where the turn on and compulsiveness stems from. I believe she might of been right.

She knows of my low confidence and self-loathing. She said "maybe you want to be those guys". I couldn't believe it.....I thought this concept FOR YEARS long before I read this article: http://www.jackinworld.com/library/articles/strfant.html (see other factors).

She said "When you break up with me for Bruce, John or Peter", then I'll worry". Until then just shut up about it. Another time she said "So shut up and suck a guy's dick already". I YELLED, BUT I DON'T WANT TO! And she said "then you're not gay or bi".

 

[StlKj]

So now you've painted a picture of a person who is quite probably suffering from an anxiety disorder, and is headed for agoraphobia, if you don't have it already. Perhaps it's time to discuss with your parents that you're suffering from anxiety issues that are affecting how you interact with others, and see if they can help you get to a doctor, if not a therapist. You don't have to talk to them about the issue behind the anxiety, but surely they would not want you to keep carrying around such anxiety without getting help.

Can you collect unemployment? welfare? Do you or your family have some kind of medical insurance that can help?

Your description of feeling like a robot typing here is especially troubling, in light of everything else you've said. You believe you can't afford help; I believe you can't afford not to get help. Look into any possible mental health agencies in your area that provide free or sliding scale help. See your family physician. It sounds like you're spending a dangerous amount of time in your own head, and that could lead to your eventual total withdrawal from everything else.

 

[G-Lexington]

>>>Identity is another reason. I'm into heavy metal music, deeply engrossed in it and often credit it as a "saving grace" in life. I'm deeply involved in "the scene" and despite being a male dominate genre, it isn't very open to gay/bisexual men and I feel as if I must chosen between being bisexual/gay or the music I like, the way I want to look/dress and who I associate with. I DO know I can be both and image and taste isn't a reflection of orientation - but to be both is just too conflicting. I feel as if I am slowly becoming unable to relate to all these things that occupied my mind and that I loved for so long. The thought of being gay/bisexual feels as if it's something I would have to "settle" for and conform too. To me, this doesn't seem right to me.

Yeah, you're gonna have to start letting that go. Being gay means precisely one thing - you like having sex with guys. Coming out doesn't come with a Cher CD and a fabulous new wardrobe. Other than the "sleeping with guys" thing, nothing else is mandatory, or even suggested. I'm still a season ticket holder to a contact sport, still wear T-shirts and jeans whenever possible, and listen to rock music. And yes, I'm gay.

Yes, there are more gay Cher fans than gay Strapping Young Lad fans (at least, not with the caps), but that doesn't mean they don't exist. Hell, take JY here on JUB - he's not only gay and a metal fan, but Black to boot.

It'd be one thing if you were worried your friends would desert you if you came out, but by your own admission, you don't really have many friends. At least, not any in real life. And as Dylan said, "When you got nothing, you got nothing to lose." There's nothing wrong with being gay AND a metalhead.

>>>I watch everything I do and question everything I do now. I often wonder if Judas Priest is my favorite band because Halford is gay and is a subconscious hero. I wonder if I wear leather and tight pants and joke about gays as a passive expression of my inner self.

And that's precisely where the problem lies. You're acting as if you don't have enough information - that if you only weighed THIS bit of information, it would answer your question for you. If anything, you have too MUCH information. Not everything's a clue to your sexuality. Rob Halford may be gay, but you're almost certainly not listening to Judas Priest BECAUSE he's gay. If that were all it took, your metal collection would stop at Judas Priest, and you'd have this huge disco section on your CD rack, as well.

I'd definitely say you're giving this too much thought. I know it's a question that's plaguing you, but it's not a question that can be answered with any more thought than you're already giving it. You really do need to work on letting it go. If you're out and about, and you want to look at a guy, look. Don't look at him hoping that'll "answer it all", because it won't. Look at him because looking at him is enjoyable. Or look at him, shrug, and turn your attention elsewhere.

I'd again second KJ's suggestion for therapy. It's almost always available somewhere, somehow, no matter what your financial situation.

Lex

 

[Conflicted]

Hehe...

I couldn't picture myself at a Metal show ignoring the girls and saying "damn, that dude is hot!" Or fucking a guy to a Death Metal song, haha. It just seems so absurd.

I've known a few gay/bisexual guys who had similar interests and weren't a stereotype, btw.

Spending too much time in my head has a LOT to do with things. I've been told for as long as I can remember by countless people that I think too much and considering the fact I sleep just to stop and want to pull my hair out and beat my own head against the wall, is indeed true.

This secret fantasy stuff that only took place in private never bothered me. I just didn't think about it often, thus it never bothered me and I never quested my orientation.

I think since I've been at work and no longer see or talk to my male co-workers, who were friends with me before - or all the hot women who I lusted for daily - has kind of felt like I've lost touch with myself. Spending so much time away from the things I love and associating myself with them in favor of "researching" and tests and spending time on forums like this and in adult chatroom with porn....it's not wonder I feel I am losing myself. I NEED those things to maintain my identity, remind me who I am and to get in touch with reality.

I no longer want to put on a record and listen to it more. My anxious and anxiety filled states tells me it's "running" and just an attempt to ignore and forget who and what I am. But this stuff is NOT helping and it's pretty clear I refuse to conform to a life of being gay/bisexual......I feel it's not my true nature.

I've read everyone on the straightguise blog and website. I identify more with what is said on that, then I do to coming out stories and with guys who identify as being gay and bi.

Since a gay therepist has come out and said "YES, straight man can and do look at gay porn and engage in sexual behavior and still NOT be of gay/bisexual orientation".

Most people in this world would say NO, that is not possible. I've asked other for an opinion and they have said "yes, it's possible...look at prisons!".

I said to myself. Well, I am thinking about this communication-less, quick anonymous encounters and such but I am NOT in prison! I'm a 25 year old man with freedom.

Then I thought something I always have: Prison isn't always a cell. I believe prison can be a mental and emotional state. Is the straight man in prison who desires sexual release and behavior and engages in it any different than the horny straight man who's imprisoned by thoughts that he's not desirable to women, either for his looks, his financial/living situation or whatever who walks past an adult shop and thinks "I can get sexual release right now, without even seeing or talking to the person and I can just leave after".

I very rarely see mention of men who turn to sexual behavior with other men as a sort of "last resort".

This below is the one thing I can relate to the most and that which makes my anxiety less terrible.

"For straight men who have sex with men, same-sex encounters aren't about romance or sexual attraction and desire, but about sexual and physiological arousal—"getting off" with another who's male and accessible. They don't sexually desire or get aroused by looking at other men, only by the sexual act. But if they don't actively desire other men, how do they get to the point of having sex with them? These men typically want to bond with and get affection from other men. Their behavior may reflect a desire to experiment, to engage in something that's taboo, or to express inner psychological conflicts involving their sexual feelings and desires that have nothing to do with having a gay or bisexual identity.

Straight men who have sex with men do so for a variety of reasons. Some have been sexually abused and are compulsively reenacting childhood sexual trauma by male perpetrators; some find sexual release with another man more accessible; some have sex with men because it's easier and requires fewer social skills than those required to have sex with women; some are "gay for pay" and get financial rewards; some like the attention they receive from other men; some like anal sex, which they're otherwise too ashamed to talk about or engage in with their female partners."

I think our brain stores things that we found pleasurable, even though it's not in our make-up or something natural to the individual. This could be what the compulsive part is due to.

I believe sexual orientation is for the most part innate, but I feel had I had a different life and made different choices ...different circumstances, I wouldn't be typing all of this now.

I HAVE been forcing myself to check out men lately. While I don't find the body of say - a body builder or porn star repulsive, I'm not really turned on either. If I do it out in public, I just feel weird and confused. When I see a women I find attractive, I don't have to think or contemplate about it. I don't pop a instant boner and drool, but I just know I would have no problem having sex with her.

I wonder if thoughout my life is shyness and insecurity was NOT the reason I never approached women, but this isn't true...it can't be due to a homosexual orientation. I doubt it though. It's hard for me to get involved with a women and but once I am past the insecurity and I know SHE WANTS ME, I go right for it and nothing ever felt greater to men than when a girl found me attractive. It was always confidence boost and a ray of hope. I've had men smile at me, gay men in public and my first instant was either to laugh or walk away. Sometimes I'd get paranoid. Like I think all gay/bi men has some sort of ESP that makes them able to identify and read each other's minds.

 

[KaraBulut]

Let's back up for a moment.

First of all- it is purely a fantasy that male sexuality is either heterosexual OR homosexual. The norm is for men to have very complicated feelings about both genders. How they express those feelings varies from guy to guy and it can be anywhere from "man-crushes" to full guy-on-guy romantic love- all of it is perfectly normal whether a guy considers himself "gay" or "straight".

Based upon your description, you are a straight male who has experimented sexually with guys. According to most of the studies of male sexuality, this pretty much puts you into the category of "normal" and "average".

From what you have written, it is very apparent that you are intelligent and have a lot of insight into yourself and into your situation.

You are very anxious about very normal sexual experimentation. There is no need to be.

However, you have other issues that are of concern. You have issues with shyness and insecurity. You have issues with relationships with people. It is time for you to question whether you have a sex and porn addiction.

I have to be honest with you and tell you that I think you would benefit from working with a therapist on some of the real issues here. If you want to have a relationship with other person- probably female in your case- you need to deal with your issues of self-image, your addictions and to work on your ability to relate to other people.

These are the keys to loving and being loved.

Worry less about the fact you have had sex with guys. Start thinking about why you have a compulsion for all sorts of sex and how sex relates to your anxiety and general feelings of inadequacy.

 

[Conflicted]

Let's back up for a moment.

"How they express those feelings varies from guy to guy and it can be anywhere from "man-crushes" to full guy-on-guy romantic love- all of it is perfectly normal whether a guy considers himself "gay" or "straight"."

"I have often wondered if my constant thoughts of certain males, some I've known personally, others I did not; were related to some sort of homosexuality within me. But for every possibility, there is another one that I could come up with, with even less thought then digging for repressed homosexual tendencies.

I have studied images of certain men. But these are do to admiration. I see something in these guys I WANT, I don't want them - although I do value there friendship and think it's cool that I can call them a friend. Often, this comes down to....ME WANTING TO BE APPEALING TO GIRLS! I see a guy who I know or think that the chicks dig, so I take on a bit of them myself. I think all men have idols and most of mine, I think I'd vomit at the thought of being intimate with them...hehe



"Based upon your description, you are a straight male who has experimented sexually with guys. According to most of the studies of male sexuality, this pretty much puts you into the category of "normal" and "average"."

Only recently has it felt like what I am doing is an experiment. Before, the underlining goal was to escape reality and find pleasure, I think. Of course, the more taboo, wild, dirty, kinky and perverse you find something, the more powerful it is, thus it takes you mind off things more. I think this is a MAJOR key...what scares me is how long and seemingly mindlessly I've been doing it. Though I've always been careful to cover my tracks and always taken on different identities when do it...come to think about it, I don't I ever "visualize" ME having sex with men....I have done with women (replace myself with the man fucking them) but not with men. In all the fantasizes, especially very early ones....men were faceless. They had no identity of their own even.

I think this is what also lead to masturbating about same-sex. Now, what gay/bi man thinks of it as those things? Regardless of what society says, I think only a straight man would find the act of anal sex or oral sex between men taboo.


From what you have written, it is very apparent that you are intelligent and have a lot of insight into yourself and into your situation."

This is what drives me nuts. I've always be an over-analyzer, over thinker and always though I was DEAD ON with person philosophy and who I was and what I liked. How could I have tricked myself this severely?


However, you have other issues that are of concern. You have issues with shyness and insecurity. You have issues with relationships with people. It is time for you to question whether you have a sex and porn addiction.

Yes. To give an example of my twisted mind and insecurities. There has been times where I felt mild anxiety and lack of trust when a girl found me attractive and sometimes I grew hostile and angry towards them, because I thought that there HAS to be another reason. Either they were mentally ill or lying.

I've fears maybe they were all lesbians and using ME as a cover up. Why else would a girl want me? I know I could just be "convincing" myself I am gay or bi, because in the past I've convinced myself of many things that were not true.

As for sex addiction. I was just thinking that any man - gay or straight that masturbates and looks as porn as often has me has a problem. I'm not even going to say how much, lol. But I will say it gets in the way of things and I often put off very important things to do it. I've also been getting no thrill from it or any peace of mind.

Somebody said sex should be pleasurable. I agree...I orgasm, but that is it. It's like I do it now only to get rid of anxiety. When I do it to straight porn, I feel good about myself. When I do it to gay/bi I feel like I am degrading myself and regressing. Regardless if it makes me hard and cum. If you touch yourself, you cum. Regardless of what you look at. I also admit and I am sorry, I've masturbated to women engaged in sex acts with a horse! I came to it and got very hard. It's about seeing something I think is dirty, kinky.


The first steps I am taking is to get rid of the porn and take my mind off everything, focus on what I feel good focusing on. Getting more involved with my GF would be much better. I avoid her to save her from this torment and it's not fair to her and creates intense guilt in me.

I'm pretty damn sure one is not going to figure out if he's gay or bisexual by staying in the house for a week and a half without leaving, which I've been doing. Especially when there is such conflicting things on the internet and such misinformation.

Getting out should help. I also wonder if my feelings of having no friends, even when I do have them is also why I am doing what I am doing. Maybe lack of healthy friendships with males are manifesting in my masturbation "sessions". I know there has been many time when I was with my male friends and have sensed that "male pride" and felt 100% heterosexual.


I also want to share enough thing. When I was in that first relationship, I was disturbed by the idea of my GF cheating behind my back....it created such a sick feeling in me. Yet...it also TURNED ME ON! I found it so odd that something can create such extreme emotions equally in me. It made me super hard yet super scared. I would bagger her into confessing to it, even though it was not true. I was so relentless with it, she'd confess just to shut me up. Even though it wasn't true. Hearing her say it, brought me to tears and created extreme violent anger in me. Yet it also made me cum. Afterwards, I was horrified at the thought.

With my new GF, I just told her I am a bisexual. Told her some of the thinks I did, but later told her I was just testing her reaction (which she already thought...she finds the concept of me being scared of being gay/bi funny, but annoying...she said if I am, I'm the best actor on earth). Confessing it made me hard and jacked off to it. After I came, I felt horror, panic yet thought it was humor because after I actually laided it down on the table, it felt absurd. Like when I look at it as being real REALITY, It seems like a joke...an uncomfortable one, but a joke.

Can a person have a fetish just for confessing thinks? Like it seems hot when it's not reality....

I don't know. I am insane....

 

[G-Lexington]

>>>Can a person have a fetish just for confessing thinks? Like it seems hot when it's not reality....

No. Fantasy and reality are utterly separate things. In my fantasies, I've fucked (and been fucked by) men, women, crowds, strangers, dominatrices, submissives, mythical creatures, aliens, statues and cartoon characters. This doesn't make me a hypersexual, bisexual guy with a wide variety of kinks. It just makes me a guy who likes to vary his sexual fantasies a lot. In reality, I've had sex with three guys - that's it. And I don't regret that at all. I don't feel I need to follow through on exploring all these sexual fantasies that I've had. (And it might prove difficult - minotaurs are hard to come by.) In much the same way fantasizing about being a rock star doesn't MAKE you a rock star, fantasizing about having sex with a guy doesn't make you gay. It's just what's getting you off at the moment.

Lex

 

[benlemieux2003]

lol... minotaurs

 

[KaraBulut]

As for sex addiction. I was just thinking that any man - gay or straight that masturbates and looks as porn as often has me has a problem.

Frequency, porn, masturbation... none not the issue here.

I want to point on a few things that you have said or implied about the role of porn in your life:

During Junior High, I began to use two tools of escapism: drugs and porn

When I'd have cyber with men, which wasn't as often as with women. I didn't want to see their pics as I did with women, I didn't like showing them my cam when I had one. After it was over, I'd just close the window and forget them.

discovered what gloryholes were. I was working in the city at the time and somehow found out that many of the porn shops had them.

Anyway, this didn't start to bother me until a year after. After I sank into a deep depression and I've been conflicted about the gay porn, the cyber sex, looking at craigslist ads for encounters with crossdressers, guys and transexuals..

I've been using porn now as a "test"


What I want to point out to you is that sex and porn have become an escape and a compulsion that has become very incorporated into your feelings of inadequacy. The objects of your fantasy are objectified and this fits in very nicely with your fear of being emotionally intimate with other people.

The porn is not the cause. It is just the means to an end.



Can a person have a fetish just for confessing thinks? Like it seems hot when it's not reality....

A person can have a fetish for anything. It could be that there was something erotic in the confession itself. But it seems very much like you are turned on by any emotion- including feeling dirty or anything that makes you feel debased.



I don't know. I am insane....

No. Problems can be like issues of a newspaper that you never get around to reading. They pile up in a corner while you think to yourself, "I can't deal with that problem right now- I'll deal with it later". Pretty soon, like piled up newspapers that occupy the corner, the room, the house... the piles of problems begin to take over your life and it becomes increasingly difficult to find your way out of the mess.

The key here is to stop and deal with some of these issues that have taken over your life. It took a while for all of these problems to build up. It will take a problem for them to work through them.

The key, I suspect for you will be to deal with your feelings of inadequacy and your problems relating to other people. Once you get to the root of these issues, some of the symptoms- the addictions, the compulsions, the irrational thoughts.. will also be dealt with.

 

[G-Lexington]

Hey, minotaurs are hot. The horns make it really easy to steer the head.

Lex

 

[Conflicted]

Thanks.

I've told people I've viewed and masturbated to gay porn and asked them "Am I still straight". They said no. Then I asked them if a gay man watching straight porn makes him not gay. They really don't have an answer to that except for "no".

Bottom line is it causes me upset and if that is the case, I am sure there are better alternatives. Even though the release is a release, it's still a tormenting one. Thus it's not healthy for me.

My issue is complex yes and I know it does at times resemble the stages of "coming out", but as a few gay men have told me. That psychological process can resemble may others.

I am thinking to much and it's kind of a waste to ask others my orientation, as only I can say what that is (though insight and learning helps...despite being confusing at time).

I believe I am a straight man who has a minor problem, yet is making it bigger to mask other ones.

I believe I am straight and will continue living as a straight man, until I find myself sleeping next to gary, bruce, john, pete or tony. If that thought causes me conflict, then I doubt it will ever happen and I SERIOUSLY doubt I'll ever be with a woman I love (or don't) and wish I had any man.

I say that and feel great, but those voices come back "you're gay" or "what if you're gay or bisexual". I just have to shut them out and judge myself based on actions....not what takes place in my head.

I paint fearful scenarios of taking with say, my cousin and taking about girls and having that voice "you're gay", "you're a phony", etc...but I just have to shut them out.

I don't know if the fear of people thinking I am gay is as worse as people thinking it when I KNOW I am not. People have asked if I was gay due to dumb, typical reasoning. I don't read maximum, I never liked Pam Anderson. When it comes to sex, I'd bang any woman, haha. But when it comes to ones I truly desire...it's mostly based on common interests, her personality and I always liked exotic, untypical looks. I like heavily tattoos girls.....

Hmmm... this is interesting. When taking and thinking about what I like about women, I feel a "good" excitement in me. It makes me smile...perhaps I should focus on this and not fears of being gay? What scares me are thoughts of me being dishonest with myself. Like maybe I don't like women? But since I think abou this and the words comes out of my mind and certain one when I think about who is attractive come to mind, I must like them! Though I know gay men can admire a woman's aesthetic beauty.

If I do desire men, I WANT TO KNOW FOR SURE! Most gay people say, well if you're not sure maybe you really don't? Gay/Bi people DO KNOW!

I think our heart are the true indication of our orientation and not our cocks or brains?

 

[G-Lexington]

>>>I believe I am a straight man who has a minor problem, yet is making it bigger to mask other ones. I believe I am straight and will continue living as a straight man, until I find myself sleeping next to gary, bruce, john, pete or tony.

I think you've hit the nail on the head with that. Although I'd warn against sleeping with Bruce - he's a dud in the sack.

You seem pretty preoccupied with what others think. And frankly, it really shouldn't matter. My brother has been mistaken for gay on occasion, and I've been mistaken for straight. If for some reason it's necessary to "set people straight", we'll do so, but otherwise, who cares? I don't care if that guy at the grocery store thinks I'm straight, and my brother couldn't care less if the same guy thought he was gay. Other people's opinions or assessments shouldn't concern you that much.

>>>I think our heart are the true indication of our orientation and not our cocks or brains?

The problem is - they're all connected. The cock gets its marching orders from the brain, and the heart...well, technically, the heart is an organ for pumping blood, but when you're talking emotional attachments and feelings, well, that's the brain, as well.

About ten years ago, had you asked me what my "type" was, I would've said a tall dark long-haired wellbuilt guy. I'm now rapidly closing in on my tenth anniversary with my partner - who fits absolutely none of those characteristics. (Except the "guy" part.) What happened? Easy - I fell in love with the guy. And although he's not my "type", and although guys of HIS type don't turn me on, HE turns me on. Why? Because it's HIM. That's the body he's walking around in, and if that's the case, then that's the body that's gonna make me horny. See, it does all tie together.

Lex

 

[Conflicted]

Thank you, really. I appreciate this and I was very hesitant about posting here. Just the fact I am actually typing on "justusboys.com". It kind of makes me laugh to be honest, because if anyone I knew found out, I think they would be laughing more than they would be shocked.

Anyway. I've seen many points made and things said that this overworked head managed to not think.

Objectifying is an important word. The guy on the other side of the gloryhole wasn't a person, it was an object. Even if I gave him a blowjob, It would of still been an object. This wasn't a person. I didn't want to see him, hear him nor did I want him to know or see me. Same with cyber sex. It's a screen name and it's just words, nothing more. I get my release, close the window and move on until the impulse returns. It's a world I enter and come out of. When I did what I did, I wanted a release and act - not a man. Though I made that element "seem" enjoyable. hey! Adds to the kinky, dirty , luridness of the whole thing. "Yeah, fuck what people say..I am a dirty fag". It seems like a big unreal fantasy.

I've often had cyber with women more than men. Sometimes I grew hostile when guys bothered me online. I'd exaggerate everything and got a kick out of "confessing" I'm this ravenous, "fuck anything" bisexual stud. If they said "that is so hot", I got turned on. WOW! I am turning a girl on....if they reacted with disgust, that's a thrill do. Yeah, "I am more kinky than you".

I never "kept" a male I've had sexual chats with, like added him to my friends list. To me, they were always an object and I never and still today see no unique differences in men, at least the ones I view in gay porn and who pop into my head during fantasie. I have viewed and saved pics of certain girls. Even a few times where I revealed my true self to them and told them most of what I said is a role....would I think could be true. A lot of times it does seem like an experiment, a social experiment.


When I've thought about what the "real me", what I've always longed for. It was a companion. Female sidekick. Somebody by my side who I loved. When I think of engaging what what I play pretend with online, I feel terrible about it and know if I loved her, I could never drag her into such a thing.

When I feel very confident and on a proper path, I feel like I get my "mojo" back and have no desire to do anything compulsive or think I might be gay. My mind is too set on girls, haha.

This gives me peace of mind, which in some way causes more conflict when I think about what I've done. Acted on something against my true nature...that I sunk so low. Not thinking that maybe I would give myself a secret that would cause REAL guilt and shame...one that I would have to keep from my future wife/GF and friends.

One side of me will not allow me to feel better or seek peace. Because I am afraid once I am "OK" with what I do, I will be gay/bisexual.


Now, I don't mean to be offensive if I come off that way. I understand fully that some are innately gay/bisexual and it's a healthy, natural thing for them.

 

[G-Lexington]

Sounds like things are coming in to a bit better focus, which is cool.

One thing I'd add is that when you're looking at cybersex, pretty much EVERYBODY is using EVERYBODY. I don't know of anybody who logs on thinking "I'd like to help a random stranger get off today" - they're in it to get their own rocks off. And as long as everyone's aware of this, I don't see a problem with it. Yes, you're lying to them, and using them. Thing is, they're probably lying to you. And they're definitely using you as well. So don't run the guilt trip too hard. If you told a guy you had a 9" cock, he probably knew you didn't, but he wanted to believe you did, because it helped him get off! And, as the saying goes, half of the women getting off on cybersex are actually gay guys hiding behind female screen names. Cybersex tends to be the fantasy playground where you can play the wellhung self-assured dominate male you've always dreamed of being. And there are a lot of people in cybersex land - male AND female - who are looking for someone to play that role, even if that's not who you are. Guitar Hero for the bedroom, if you will.

Lex

 

[Conflicted]

Well, I didn't want to come back here, but here I am. I told some of my friends on an OCD forum that I came here and they said I needed to stop, because this is compulsive checking.

After all everybody has told me, I felt a little better. Like my old girl obsessed self. But then, that one last reassurance "check" comes back and then I am in the black hole of depression again.

The sticky post on the "emptyclosets" forum in the coming out section gave me a gut wrenching feeling. It scared the hell out of me. I even showed my GF and now I think for the first time she is getting worried and scared herself.

I can't look at any man without my head telling me I want him, even though deep inside I feel I find it a dreadful thought.

I did a check when I had to view craigslist. I just "had" to peek at the m4m section, just to see if I'd get a reaction. I saw one ad, and got an erection with that "oh no, this can't be happening" thought. I ended up masturbating, but tried to focus on thoughts of women and if I focused on the guy, it wasn't mentally or emotional pleasing and very conflicted.

I think I masturbate while I do this research and checking and all this compulsive stuff to relieve anxiety and clear my head. Which isn't good, because I am not sure if I am turned on by it or not. Yes, I've looked at some nasty stuff and sometime tell my self to just jump into the most nasty gay cyber sex and really take it to the max to SEE if I like it...but it makes me feel horror and...just terrible.

Is that indication I am straight (even though erect) or just in denial and afraid to face reality? I feel I am making a clown of myself.....

It's torture. I hear too much conflicting stuff. I don't know if I am in denial or just really, really scared and not into it at all.

I heard gay/bi people are not troubled by thoughts of same sex encounters, they find them pleasing...but may feel guilt.

I heard gay people KNOW they are and never needed google, forums and everything else to know it.

I heard this from gay and straight people alike, but then I hear totally contradicting things. There is always a but or a what if....


I told my GF about that forum post and the reaction i got from the craigslist ad. It's VERY hard to actually admit this stuff, but I need to other wise it kills me...plus my mind will not allow me not too. She's getting worried now....as soon as I see it's upseting her, I feel terrible. On one hand, a side of me says I only open up about it, because when push comes to shove, I know and she knows I'm straight.

She told me SHE should be good enough reason for me knowing I am not gay, which makes sense but also fills me with fear and pain. Having her not here where I can touch, feel, kiss and be with her is only adding to this anxiousness and anxiety.

I know she's a good thing and I can't let her go no matter what I feel. I hope that's a red flag.

 

[G-Lexington]

I can't speak for gays in general - only me.

No, I didn't instinctively KNOW I was gay. I didn't have google or anything back in my day, so that was no help. Instead, even though I was a bit worried, I just let it slide. I thought, "OK, right now I'm turned on by guys. It may be because I'm gay, or it might be some sort of phase. I'll just ride it out for awhile and see what happens." After about a year plus in the same place, I realized that if this were a phase, it was a REALLY long one. At that point, I began deciding that yes, I was gay.

I don't mean to sound judgmental here, but your masturbatory habits sound pretty damn weird. Jerking off isn't supposed to be a clinical trial. It's supposed to be a fun activity. I've never felt the need to test my sexuality by exposing myself to various types of porn, images and words. "Am I horny NOW? How about NOW?" I've jerked off to straight porn, straight erotica, and images of naked women. And it never made me question my homosexuality. I didn't try to think of guys while doing so. I didn't alternate thoughts wondering which one was really getting me off. I didn't worry about what it all meant. Because what it all meant was "this is what's getting me off right now".

At the risk of repeating myself, stop over-analyzing everything. You now have a million and one pieces of data to "prove" your sexuality, and you still don't really have an answer. Getting more data is NOT going to help any. Had the m4m ad NOT done anything for you, would it have proved anything? Of course not. And you'd be in precisely the same spot you're in now. You have all the data you need. The picture won't really get any clearer. If you ask me, you're straight, but do get off on thinking about getting dominated or participating in "dirty" activities, which includes submissive homosexual encounters.

This girl sounds cool. She even sounds cool with you getting off on fantasizing about certain gay activities. I don't think she's not worried about that - she's more worried about your obsession of it. My concern is that you'll hook up with her, have a great time...but still keep looking at gay/bondage/other sex sites, seeing if you're "cured" yet. And you won't be, and thus you're a horrible person for leading her on, and...

No.

You're a metal fan, right? So you've probably daydreamed about being in the band, screaming "Good night, Cleveland!", the whole deal. Does that mean that's what you're meant for? That you'll never truly be happy until that happens? God knows I've daydreamed about it, but that's all it is - a daydream. And, like all daydreams, I only think about the fun stuff. The screaming fans, the sold-out shows, cover of magazines. I don't daydream about the ten-hour bus rides, or yet another crappy fruit plate in the green room, or a sound check that takes forever because the sound guy's a moron. All of this is part and parcel of being in a band, as well, but people don't daydream about those parts. We just imagine the fun parts. And it's fun to do so.

Similarly, I love my partner. He's everything I could want. But I still jerk off on occasion, and when I do, I rarely think of him. It doesn't mean I hate him, or really truly want somebody different. It's just "me playing rock star". Enjoying a fantasy moment with a made-up guy, or girl, or crowd, or (yes) minotaur. I just like imagining other possibilities. It's FUN. My partner's great, but he'll never fulfill absolutely everything I fantasize about. NOBODY can do that.

Lex