I need Help

[rc0026]

I need help

About 6 months ago met a guy online he is married with kids. We have met up numerous times online and in person and sex was involved. He is worried about our age difference 20 years. I recently told him I want to move down so I can see him more often, but made it clear I was not going to make him chose between his family and myself.

He told me before his relationship with his wife is more of a friendship but he says the his relationship with me is very stressful but he has never felt this way with anyone before. ( I guess because it sort of a lie) The other night we talked on the phone about things and he doesn't think it will work out (mainly because he thinks I am giving up to much by wanting him since he has so much in his life) but I keep telling him that not having him in my life is what I don't want.

I love him so much but I don't know what else to say to convince him so, I need your help guys please.

 

[rc0026]

Re: I need help

I am sorry for you as I feel he is back-pedalling furiously. He is threatened by your strength of feeling - despite your protestations of not making him choose, I am pretty sure he feels that having oyu in the same town or city is just too close.

The only thing you can do is back off. He knows your feelings and time for reflection may lead him to believe that he has a better future with you than with his wife. But you can't force this. It is difficult to hold back but in these circumstances any pro-active behaviour on your part is likely only to lead to him panicking and dumping you.

Thanks for your reply. He has a high profile position(job) I doubt he will ever make it known that he is gay. I don't see him leaving his wife or kids anytime soon nor do I want him to. I guess all I want him to know is that I want to be a part of his life, but not just friends because we all know where that will lead anyways.

 

[4older]

Sorry you're dealing with this. I had a boyfriend that was around the same age, married with kids. It was really fun at first and we got very close and for about a year I was cool with the whole thing. Eventually the reality that I had a part-time boyfriend got a bit old and it ran it's course.

As painful as this situation seems right now it may be fore th best. Down the road as you get closer it would also be painful to be very connected to someone that really can't give you all of their attention.

I have seen this sort of situation work with two married guys. It ends up being convenient and both guys are on the same page. But I don't feel it works with a single gay guy and a married guy. I was warned about it by others, and have seen it run it's course several times with over the years in similar relationships.

 

[hylas]

im sorry your heart is breaking, but its obviously for the best. he sais that youre giving up too much, and hes right. dont be so selfless. you deserve way better than a guy who will never stand by you, who will never be willing to fully commit to you.

 

[KaraBulut]

He's trying to gently tell you that he wants you far away where he can have fun when he wants and when he can sneak around on his family.

If you move closer and see each other more often, then that's not going to be as much fun, he won't have as much control over the situation and it increases the risk that you're going to shatter the safe little world he has built for himself as a married but closeted gay man.

You may be willing to settle for being the piece on the side today. But he's smart enough to know that people change.

If you want this relationship, then you have to accept it on his terms. The "other man" or "other woman" always has to, unfortunately.

 

[TX-Beau]

Well, I don't think I'm going to try and help you maintain an adulterous affair that's going to end badly.

Alrighty. Let’s look at this in the harsh light of reality. You are not having a mystical love affair with a tender soul. You are having a furtive liaison with a cheating liar. No matter what he says to you, no matter what the justifications you want to make, he’s cheating on his wife with you, and you’re complicit because you know this, and don’t end it. You have no right to poach on her territory, no matter what you feel, he has no mitigation for his lying and cheating no matter how deep his closet.

And the sad fact of it – for you at least, is that this is all conducted under his terms. You will never get a say in how this goes, and when you get too close to his big lie, he’ll drop you like a poisonous snake and find someone else to cheat with.

I don’t know why anyone would want to involve themselves in a relationship that isn’t equal, never will be, and will never give you what you want. He is not your boyfriend, he isn’t even your friend, he’s someone else's husband, someone else's father, and you’re his bit on the side.

Stand up guys do not break the promises they make, they clean up their messes before involving other people – and stand up guys do not become party to causing hurt to someone else. That’s both of you, neither of your emotions are justification for dishonesty and deceit.

I’m very sorry for the situation you put yourself in, but in the end, your choices got you into this, your choices are going to have to get you out; and either you will choose to push the issue forcing him to end it, or you’ll salvage your pride and walk away from a toxic situation. Or, you can choose to be his ass on the side, and sweep up any crumbs he drops for you, but if you do that, you’ll have to accept that’s all you’ll ever get – and really, is that the life you want for yourself?

The only help I can give you is to encourage you to pick up your dignity and walk away. Find a guy who's not committed to someone else, someone for whom you're not a dirty little secret. Take control of the situation and make the choice that's best for you. Walk. Of your own free will, without consulting him, without regard to him.

Yes that's hard, but take heart, we've all had to walk away from feeling for the sake of sanity before, and it can be done.

 

[rc0026]

We had a very nice conversation today. I basically told him that maybe things were moving to fast and I am going to move down when I do get a job offer. (which he agreed with, he didn't want me moving down without a job). He does want to take things slower.

I don't think he is treating me like some piece of ass on the side otherwise he would just dump me right away. Of course he has the right to be worried about losing his wife and kids they are important to him as well.

He told me that he would love to see me with another man my age or even a women getting married someday and he be at my wedding. I told him that he is the only person I want to be with and I knew that the first moment I kissed him. He is a great guy who has a highly stressful job and now a second relationship that's a lot to take in.

Love is give and take, right now I may just have give and for him to me its definitely worth it.

Thanks for everyone who posted I appreciate your concern and guidance

 

[TX-Beau]

We had a very nice conversation today. I basically told him that maybe things were moving to fast and I am going to move down when I do get a job offer. (which he agreed with, he didn't want me moving down without a job). He does want to take things slower.

I don't think he is treating me like some piece of ass on the side otherwise he would just dump me right away. Of course he has the right to be worried about losing his wife and kids they are important to him as well.

He told me that he would love to see me with another man my age or even a women getting married someday and he be at my wedding. I told him that he is the only person I want to be with and I knew that the first moment I kissed him. He is a great guy who has a highly stressful job and now a second relationship that's a lot to take in.

Love is give and take, right now I may just have give and for him to me its definitely worth it.

Thanks for everyone who posted I appreciate your concern and guidance

Right, and where in any of this is any kind of concern for his wife's feelings, and kids?

You're just fine with doing to her what would devastate you if the shoe was on the other foot.

That's not right.

 

[rc0026]

Right, and where in any of this is any kind of concern for his wife's feelings, and kids?

You're just fine with doing to her what would devastate you if the shoe was on the other foot.

That's not right.

.
He told me he feels extremely guilty about it and that's where the stress comes in. When we first met he explained his relationship with his wife as more of a partnership in raising their children. They loved each other because of that connection but had lost their sexual connection.

I don't think she would be devastated he does a lot for her and the kids and is basically their dependent. This is the main reason I am willing to be the one who gives in this relationship. I don't want him to abandon his wife or kids because of how important he is to them.

 

[TX-Beau]

...I don't think he is treating me like some piece of ass on the side otherwise he would just dump me right away. Of course he has the right to be worried about losing his wife and kids they are important to him as well...

Let's see, you threatened to move to town, he started to end it, you postponed your move, and now he's just peachy keen?

It's not his wife he's worried about losing, it's his closet. You can choose to see that or not, make excuses for that or not, it's your choice, and the consequences will be your responsibility.

 

[TX-Beau]

.
He told me he feels extremely guilty about it and that's where the stress comes in. When we first met he explained his relationship with his wife as more of a partnership in raising their children. They loved each other because of that connection but had lost their sexual connection.

I don't think she would be devastated he does a lot for her and the kids and is basically their dependent. This is the main reason I am willing to be the one who gives in this relationship. I don't want him to abandon his wife or kids because of how important he is to them.

You know all this how? Because he's such an honest guy? He's so honest with her he's feeling all this guilt? He knows she'd be fine with you so he's dealing with huge stresses over it? It's just a freindship, right, so why the guilt, why the stress? Sure. What makes you think he's honest with you?

Closet cases lie, it's what they do, they lie to themselves, they lie to others, they attach all kinds of justifications to it, all kinds of reasons it's necessary, all kinds of excuses. But in the end, it's lies. No matter how they justify it to themselves, or pretend they do it for the good of others.

Have you talked to her? Did she give you the green light? Of course not. Forget what he's saying and use your mind. Does this really make any sense at all?

 

[3nipples]

Re: I need help

About 6 months ago met a guy online he is married with kids. We have met up numerous times online and in person and sex was involved. He is worried about our age difference 20 years. I recently told him I want to move down so I can see him more often, but made it clear I was not going to make him chose between his family and myself.

He told me before his relationship with his wife is more of a friendship but he says the his relationship with me is very stressful but he has never felt this way with anyone before. ( I guess because it sort of a lie) The other night we talked on the phone about things and he doesn't think it will work out (mainly because he thinks I am giving up to much by wanting him since he has so much in his life) but I keep telling him that not having him in my life is what I don't want.

I love him so much but I don't know what else to say to convince him so, I need your help guys please.

Sounds very noble, but I think you're lying to yourself. What is the outcome you hope for in your fantasies??

 

[hotatlboi]

Re: I need help

Sounds very noble, but I think you're lying to yourself.

Either that, or you don't place your self worth very highly.

You deserve better imo.

 

[hotatlboi]

I don't think he is treating me like some piece of ass on the side otherwise he would just dump me right away.

I got to disagree with this man.

There's nothing better to a closeted married guy than having piece of ass on call anytime he wants when things aren't working out at home, and who doesn't want anything more than that.

You moving closer would make that more available.

I"m not saying that this is his reasoning necessarily, just that your conclusion here is flawed.

You said it yourself, he isn't going to come out or leave his family. So the prospects of you being anything but the piece of ass on the side are pretty low imo.

 

[rareboy]

I suppose if you like being used as an easy piece of fuck-meat, you have a perfect set-up.

But what makes you think you're the only piece he has on the side?

If he's already cheating on his wife, why not on you?

 

[aijalon18]

I suppose if you like being used as an easy piece of fuck-meat, you have a perfect set-up.

But what makes you think you're the only piece he has on the side?

If he's already cheating on his wife, why not on you?

Havent you been paying attention? The 20 years older married guy loves him. He and the wife are just friends who happen to live together and have kids. i wonder if she thinks she is just friends. She is prolly wondering where the spark has gone and blaming herself for not being attractive enough for her man. She's prolly miserable.

 

[KaraBulut]

Just a reminder guys- CO&R is not a back-and-forth debate forum. Address your comments and advice to the OP and avoid debating with others who have offered advice.

...I don't think he is treating me like some piece of ass on the side otherwise he would just dump me right away. Of course he has the right to be worried about losing his wife and kids they are important to him as well...

What some of the older members, myself included, are trying to point out to you is that while you may have feelings for this guy and you may believe that he has feelings for you, the prospect of a future is important. It may not be important to you today but it will become increasingly important as you get older.

There will be talk about leaving the wife. But it will always come down to "..when the kids are old enough to understand..." or "....when the kids turn 18..." or "...when the kids graduate from college..." or "...when the kids are married and settled..".

You will always be #2 or #3 (after the wife and the kids). You will spend a lot of time alone waiting for him to call. You will pass up on relationships with people your age who have a lot to offer while you wait for those calls. You will plan your life around a future that will probably never exist.

You are young. You have much better options.

 

[hylas]

I told him that he is the only person I want to be with and I knew that the first moment I kissed him.

i dont know how old you are but it sounds like you are very young. please listen to the ones that are a little older, because weve all been there, or at least seen it happen to friends. life is not a disney princess fairy tale. tx might be a little judgemental, but the thing is, hes right. listen to him and kara (and me). end this now, and open yourself up to new, better opportunities.

 

[bankside]

I think this is going to end badly, and as some people only seem to learn by doing, I'm okay with that.

Good luck to his wife and kids. If I knew how to reach her, I would let her know that she's actually in an open relationship, because I doubt this guy has told her. And if he is that treasonous with the mother of his kids, imagine how easy it will be for him to show the same disloyalty to you.

Anyway, good luck to his wife and kids.