I need help....

[shy-bi-guy]

Hello everyone. I pretty much only come to these forums when I need help, and in the past I've posted under the "bisexual" forum, without realizing there is a "no flame forum" here for people needing help. So, here I am again, needing help, and not sure what to do about my life.

You're welcome to look up my past posts to see how crazy / stupid I may or may not be. But just to explain anew, here's my situation:

I'm a bisexual man who got married about a year ago. I've always known I was bisexual, but I was perfectly fine with being in a monogamous relationship for years and years, and I was happy that way. Then, for reasons I don't even fully understand myself, I decided to experiment with guys AFTER getting married, which has not only NOT made it easier to cope with my bisexuality, but has actually led to a downward spiral effect in a number of ways in my life.

I find that I'm plunging deeper and deeper into pretty severe depression, and I've been seeking "comfort" and "help" in all the wrong ways, because I'm totally at a loss for how to move forward with my life. I'm ashamed about my bisexuality in a way I never was when I hadn't explored it. I'm wracked with guilt over having been unfaithful to my wife (my high school sweetheart). I'm in an uncomfortable situation at work with another married man who I tried to initiate an affair with before backing out and going batshit crazy on him. I keep trying to find gay/bi men in my area that I can meet and become friends with, but they all either lose interest when they learn I'm not all about TEH SECKS, or I cave in half-heartedly to sexually-charged behavior and then they lose interest anyway. I don't have the resources to seek counseling, but I don't think I'm on a healthy path in life.

I'm feeling so tormented by the total lack of guidance, friendship, or support I have in my situation that I simply don't know where to turn, how to seek help, or what might happen to me if I don't.

I'm not really looking for feedback on this thread, unless you know of any particularly good online resources for seeking help. I'd like to have someone out there, maybe more than one someone, who would be willing to email me and just lend me a sympathetic ear and give me some wisdom about dealing with this stuff.

I don't want someone who wants to tell me what I should do, I'd like someone who will listen to what I've experienced and help me realize how I'd like to move forward. And I don't want someone who is at all interested in sexing me up... no pics, no stats, no webcam chats. I've been taken advantage by so many guys (well, really, not THAT many, but it hurts as much as a lot) who tell me they're there to help me and listen to me, only to abandon me flat when they realize I'm genuinely interested in a friendship, not a fuck buddy.

Thanks so much for your help, guys. PM me if you think you can help.

 

[bananagoof]

I'm not interested in having sex with you, but I can't devote time to being your email therapist either. I'm not saying that in a rude way mind you - I'm just being honest. Here, you'll definitely find a place to share your fears and concerns, but you can't really customize the response you'll get. It may be a no-flame zone, but that doesn't make it a no-suggestion zone either.

I can tell you're frustrated with yourself. I haven't reread all your past posts (are you the guy going to Afghanistan? We had one of those), but I'd like to applaud you for at least recognizing that your patterns are all about temporarily nursing deep wounds. Most people can't wrap their heads around that even when a therapist or counsellor tries to explain it to them.

I do think you'd really benefit from having one of those since you're basically asking for one already. More than anything, you need time and perspective to figure out this marriage you're in. I'd suggest ending all hook-ups and flirting, and focusing on getting back into a healthy pattern. If there are guys you're still in the midst of flirting with, end it with them politely and apologetically. You're clearly not in a place right now where you could be a good partner.

The truth is bud - this is all in your hands. You are the one at the wheel. You decide what does happen and what doesn't. If you want to be proud of your bisexuality, I think you need to let your wife in on it. You'll only be proud of yourself if you stop hurting and lying to her. So that's something for you to think about in the coming weeks, months and years as you plot your course.

If it helps you understand your behavior, I think a lot of guys feel "safe" once they're married because they've lived up to what society expects of a man. And that's when trouble can start. So for now, stop the dangerous behavior, give yourself some time and do absolutely get tested, man. Make sure you haven't passed anything on to your wife.

But don't beat yourself up. Negativity isn't going to help you right now. Hope that helps!

 

[shy-bi-guy]

Thanks for a dose of reality. Truth be told, I'm pretty aware that some of what I'm asking is pretty unrealistic, and I think I am going to have to break down and go to therapy whether I can afford it or not, but earlier tonight I was feeling pretty suicidal, and I turned to the only place I knew to turn to stop myself. I had looked for some kind of internet chatline for either suicidal people or for LGBT help, but there wasn't anything 24 hr, and I wasn't in a position to make a phone call. So I came here and typed... a cry for help.

I've come down from a heightened depressive mood, and I can see that begging for an email therapist is probably silly, but I just feel so terribly alone... and, frankly, I'm not certain that paying someone to listen to me for a half-hour at a time, with no other form of friendly emotional support, is going to be enough to make the loneliness go away. I do still need people I can talk about things with in some way, even though I know I can't expect a cure-all through some internet pen pal.

But thanks again for the words of encouragement. I've gotten to such a low point that even a few kind words from a stranger who seems to care can be a huge relief.

 

[TX-Beau]

You’ll have to isolate what your issues are before you can deal with them. So here’s the big one, are you actually bi or are you straight up gay. The big hairy scary question.

Thousands upon thousands of gay men got married and thought that meant they weren’t gay. Think about it. You don’t have to answer that in here, but you need to start finding some reasons before you can find solutions.

Whatever you do, the cheating isn’t helping, the lying isn’t helping, and the knowledge that you have to tell your wife that you aren’t the guy she thought you were isn’t going to be easy.

But you know, honesty is the only way out of this, however hard that is.

You’re not alone, you certainly aren’t the first guy to be in your situation, and you certainly won’t be the last.

Dealing with your own issues about same sex attraction isn’t going to be easy, but you aren’t the first guy to deal with that either.

If you want help, we can try, but you’re the only person who can change your life for the better.

Whatever you decide, you can talk to us in here.

 

[KaraBulut]

We have quite a few married or formerly married guys on the forum. Most of them will tell you that they had the best of intentions when they got married (and in some cases, fathered chlidren). But the best of intentions didn't change the truth of the situation- that they were in a situation where someone was going to get hurt.

Right now, you're the person who is hurting. And while we're hear to listen and offer insight/advice based upon our own experiences, we aren't the resource you need.

Your first stop is your family physician for a physical to make sure your depression doesn't have a physical cause.

The next stop is a therapist. Many companies offer employee referral programs for counseling. And if you have health insurance, it may be covered by your policy. Just to be clear- you don't need an expensive psychiatrist, you just need a trained counselor to listen and help you sort the situation out. It will probably cost you about $50-75 a week. While that may seem like an obstacle, it's going to be a worthwhile investment.

While there's a compulsion aspect to all of this, the bottom line is that while you probably love your wife, you're not doing either of you any favors in lying to yourself, to your wife and being unfaithful to your marriage. As the saying goes, "Bad news goesn't get better with age". This process is not going to be fun for you or your wife, it's not going to be any less painful tomorrow, next month, next year or at any point in the future.

 

[Seasoned]

I was married to a woman for 14 years and have two children. I cheated the last 5-6 years of my marriage. I did find a therapist and even did some group therapy.

When in pain whether emotional or physical we seek relief and sometimes self medicate with inappropriate substances or behaviors. These methods if taken to the extreme exacerbate the original problem and can lead to despair and suicide.

You've dealt with the issue alone and it's time to get the help you deserve. The fact that you're in pain means you've already made some progress. If you face the pain there's away through it. Skirting it will suck the life out of you.

I've been exactly where you are and I'm telling you that there is a world beyond your imagination waiting for you.

 

[evanrick]

oh theres some good advice here - but this is why i tread carefully when married men or uncertain guys approach me as i see them becoming hostile if they see something in me they dont like in themselves.

its kinda like they only treat you like a friend when you are alone together, but in front of a group they will stonewall you if you try and be yourself around them, not very fun.