I need some advice

[Seasoned]

It is good that you wrote. I grew up very introverted, too, and saw my homosexuality, which I fought, as a giant barrier to life. Of course I was wrong, but it took some active steps on my part to make changes. I feel for you because I understand how alone and sad you must feel at times.

Realize two things immediately, please. You are not alone. It may be cyber, but you are reaching out to real people here. You want to make changes, or you wouldn't have written what you did.

I'm wondering what your living situation is--commuting, living in a dorm?

You are not stuck in shyness. That may be your natural bent, but you can help yourself. It is possible to gradually force yourself to act as if you are not shy, much in the same way as an actor plays a part. I know for a fact that when I act shy I go unnoticed. You must believe that you deserve the same space in this world as the most gregarious person you know.

Make a plan for yourself and work on one characteristic you would like to have. Watch how other people are with that and mimic that behavior until it is comfortable.

Find ways of meeting people. Join or start a study group. Hire a tutor. Get a part time job. Put an add out there saying you are looking for friends. Join a book club. At the same time call a gay help line and get advice about meeting other gays. You have at least two needs, general socialization and gay integration in your life. With work, it can be done. PM me anytime. Hang in there. You are okay.

 

[racer2438]

^^^^ well said.

you made some very good points for him...

 

[G-Lexington]

Two basic (although probably partially related) problems, so lemme tackle 'em one by one.

We do tend to take school for granted. It's forced interaction, and making friends comes fairly easily even for the awkward folks. But once you're out of mandatory school, making friends is something you have to sort of do actively. They no longer fall in your lap.

If there's absolutely no groups in your school, how about in your community? Fun volleyball leagues, or biking clubs, or volunteer organizations? Do some digging around, and see if there's something that sounds like it might be fun.

>>>I know how it must look, and I really need some input. I’m either very very confused with who I am...or...I’m what I think I might be...

Yeah, it looks like "gay" from here. But you're telling this to a group of who is 99% male and 99% gay. In short, virtually everyone here is saying "Yeah, gay porn kicks ass" and "ooh, snuggling with a guy on the couch - yeah, I love that".

What should you do? Give it a try. Go through a day assuming you're gay. Look at guys surreptitiously if you like, look at gay porn and REALLY enjoy it. No regrets, no worries about "what does this mean" - just try it on. It won't answer the question one way or the other, but if you are gay, you can at least find out what it's like.

Lex

 

[G-Lexington]

>>>I’m just having a hard time actually accepting that, it’s one thing to consider being okay with it...another to actually accept it and live that way.

You're looking at gay porn and/or erotica.
You're not really interested in girls.
You're fantasizing about cuddling with guys.

...you already ARE living that way.
Because what you're doing?
That's what being gay IS.

It's not kicking your voice up an octave, or shopping for rainbow short-shorts, or developing a passion for showtunes. I mean, if you're like that, that's totally fine, but it's not a requirement. Being gay means you like guys. That's it. Full stop. And you do. So, y'know, there you go.

Lex

 

[TX-Beau]

Well, I was never very reticent but I was deeply closeted. You’re gay. No equivocation, I remember the symptoms.

And that’s perfectly natural. It’s OK, it’s fine, it’s absolutely appropriate for you.

Look, you’re going to worry about this; you’re going to stress about it. You’ll do this until you can come to terms with being gay. That might take months that might take years. It took me years, and I was never introverted or shy, and I was out for most of that time.

We all deal in our own way, but trust me on one thing, you are not alone, not even where you are, the gay guys are there, you just have to want to find them.

Your sexuality is just as valid as straight people’s and has existed in every place, for all of human history in every culture in every epoch. There have always been gay people, and it’s always been perfectly natural.

It’s hard to accept that about yourself, we all know, but you will, and you should, and you are exactly who you’re meant to be.

 

[crowboy]

You've taken the first step by posting.

There is some good advice to you in this thread so please consider. Also continue to check out the other threads as there may be other things in there you can use too. I know I have.

What you need is some courage to do what you know you need to do. I got courage from reading other threads around here. I thought if he can I can. The more I came across that and thought that eventually I belived it. Do whatever you need to do to get that courage. Here have some from me. It's spread like this.

All the best and keep us posted OK.

 

[KaraBulut]

I really don’t know the best way to start this, I wish there was somebody in my life who I could talk to about this....

Welcome to JUB. Congrats on your post.

In time you will find understanding friends. They're out there. And they want friends to talk to as much as you do.

In the meantime, we're here to listen.

The next step I suppose is to somehow get out of this rut I’m in and meet some people...no idea how I’m going to manage that one though . Sports are out, I’m sure volunteer work is great for some people, but I doubt I’d be any good at that even if there was anything like that in my area, I don’t have faith in “online dating” and there isn’t much to do in my town anyway, to top it off I don’t yet have my P’s so I can’t drive anywhere by myself. Bleh, maybe I should try not thinking of how messed up and lonely I am and just get through each day as it comes.

You're making progress. Give yourself credit for that.

But reread the paragraph above. You're doing what a lot of people do at this point in their coming out process... they set a goal and then they "unsell" that goal by coming up with all the reasons why they can't do it.

We get a lot of posts from guys starting their coming out process and the themes are the same:
"I'm too shy"
"People won't find me attractive"
"I don't think I could be in a romantic relationship with a guy"
"I'm not good at meeting new people"

It is a process but be aware of when you're putting yourself down or finding excuses why you can't meet people. There's really only one reason why you aren't meeting people- because you're not taking that first risk and introducing yourself- and that's all it is.

 

[KingofFaeries]

Just gotta pop this out there if you are unhappy with your physical appearance, ie u have a little pudge around the midsection. Then rather than avoiding all physical activity, get involved in something. It's far easier to get rid of a little pudge at the beginning, than it is to get rid of a lot of fluff 6 years into your couch potato state.

Also you're not in high school anymore, some people may make snide comments about you or how you look but really most people just don't care. Not having that forced interaction is a double edged sword. You aren't forced to make friends, but you also aren't forced to be around stupid people all the time

 

[LonelyFace]

Hey Jubbers

I’m going through a bit of a rough patch at the moment, I’ve read some threads here recently regarding people in a similar circumstance as my own but I didn’t want to hijack their thread, so I’m making my own. I don’t want this to be very long , I could probably easily end up with a gigantic wall of text otherwise.

I really don’t know the best way to start this, I wish there was somebody in my life who I could talk to about this, I think it would be so much easier. I’m a shy introverted eighteen year old university student with no social life and starting to come to terms with the high likely hood that I’m gay and as much as I don’t want to admit it it’s really worrying me.

I can’t honestly say that I’ve ever felt a strong attraction to females in the way straight people appear to, in high school there’d always be talk of how hot certain girls in our grade were, or people like Jessica Alba and I couldn’t understand what was so great about them. As I’m sure everyone has, I started looking at (straight) porn but I didn’t then and to this day haven’t seen what was so great about it. Then somehow, I stumbled on gay porn and that’s all I’ve watched since. I even tried reading some straight “fiction” but ultimately was led to gay ones.

I’ve given it serious thought recently but I don’t think I could be in a romantic relationship with woman. Sure, I can tell if one is “pretty” or not but I don’t want to go out with her. At the same time I’ve been thinking about guys, but not in the ways straight guys would usually. For example I’ve thought about myself snuggled up on a lounge with a guy watching a movie and I don’t see anything wrong with it...I think I could actually want to do that...

I know how it must look, and I really need some input. I’m either very very confused with who I am...or...I’m what I think I might be...

As mentioned earlier, I’m very introverted and keep all this locked away, when meeting people I’m shy it probably shows probably along with some awkwardness and worst of all I have zero friends in my life. Since leaving high school I’ve lost contact with everybody there, I started Uni mid-semester and there’s nobody I’ve ever known there. My campus has no social groups/ clubs/ activities / anything, there is nothing to do there other than go to a cafe and have lunch. I’ve read suggestions like just sitting next to people in lectures, but my lecture theatres are typically half empty and people tend to sit in groups of 3 or more. Should I just try to pass this semester and hope for the best next year when “new” people start?

I know my problems are probably insignificant but I spend so much time during the day thinking about this and I can’t think of a way to improve things. This ended up being longer than I wanted it to be, sorry for the long read, but if there’s any comments, advice...any comments really, I’d really like to hear it.

when i first read this post, I thought to myself, "holy shit I have a twin on the other side of the planet!!!"

You and I sound almost like the same person, I'm not even kidding. It's kinda creeping me out. In a cool way, though, lol.

But yeah, I know exactly how you feel, and it SUCKS, but I know one thing that helps me is hope. Hope that tomorrow will be better. Maybe I'm deluding myself, but it's what keeps me around. Try and think of the positive things in your life, and see if that helps. Make friends with people you sit next to in class; that's what I've been doing. Although I get the feeling maybe I'm creeping people out because I'm so desperate for new friends... Anyway, try that and see what happens. If your school sucks that much, maybe you should see if you can transfer somewhere more social. Just a thought.

Oh, and like KingofFaeries was saying, people in the university world really don't care. It's one of the first things I noticed about being in college, and I thought it was awesome!

If you ever want to talk or you need a friend or anything, don't hesitate to send me a PM or an email or something.