I need some best friend advice

[Andi]

Just for some background: I'm 30 years old. My best friend and I have been together for 15 years. We are very close and live together. My family is very small. I'm an only child, one cousin. In October 2011 my mom passed away and the only real wise influence left in my life is my best friend's mom.

Last weekend (one week today) my bestie went on a date with a new boy. Well the date went well and she ended up staying at his house all night. Sunday afternoon she came back home long enough to get dressed and drive with me to my new company's Christmas party (that she had known about for a month). From the moment she sat down when she got home she was saying things like "I should never have left him..." She was checking her phone incessantly to see if he messaged her. We got to my company Christmas party and I was trying to introduce her to my co-workers and each time she deigned to pick her head up and give a non-committal grunt. We sat down and after 5 minutes I leaned over and asked if she wanted to leave so she could go back to his house, to which she replied: Yes. So I took her home and off she went.

Monday she took off from work and ended up staying there for 2 straight days with him. When she got home Monday night of course she came and gushed about this man to me while sitting on my bed. So, here's the deal: I'm coming into a new stage in my life where exciting things are happening. I'm quickly losing weight (60lbs down now), fitting into cuter clothes and starting to get noticed. I'm actively trying to make adult decisions and live my life in a 'grown up' manner. I decided that it would be nice if I tried to start dating too.

Every night this week after work she has come in my room, parked herself on my bed and has gone on hour + gushing sprees about this new boy of hers. She goes into some pretty deep detail, which is not unusual, we've been besties for 15 years. It f-ing kills me inside. I couldn't be happier for her. I think we should all grab every bit of happy we can while we're on this side of the dirt. I don't think it's a jealous feeling that I have because I don't think this boy is cute at all, like, at all. If anything it's a "I want that for myself." feeling. Whatever the hell it is - it hurts like hell. Wednesday night it got so bad I had to get up from my own room and go make a pot of coffee so I could stand in front of the sink and cry.

I feel terribly trapped. It seems like I have nobody to talk to. I cant talk to her about it because I don't want to quell her long-deserved happiness. I can't talk to my mom (some say I can, just talk, she'll hear you. Malarkey) for obvious reasons. I tried talking to her Mom who is the coolest chick ever. She offered solace at her house which is far enough away to be a safe distance but close enough I could sleep there.

Should I tell my best-friend how I feel? If so, how can I word it? She's a very fickle person, very easy to irritate. She gets home earlier than I do and I told her if she comes home with this boy to our apartment to please let me know so I can detour and allow them privacy. She didn't take it well and I ended up backpedaling for half an hour. I love to hear about how happy she is but she's very unabashed about giving nice little details of loving things he does that I'd like to experience for myself. It hurts very much bad. It inspires many deep, deep feelings. It makes me want to pick up the phone and call my mom just so I can hear her mom-like reassurances which in turn causes me to re-open fresh wounds on that front.

Please bear in mind that my best friend is my heart. She has pulled me through the hardest parts of my life and I intend to show her and her new found relationship the highest respect. I'm faced with a terrible decision: Talk to her about how I feel and run the risk of driving her away or sit in silence and experience a nightly roller coaster of emotions.

Help?

 

[aaggii]

You´re very attached to your friend, that´s for sure, so my guess is that you don´t want to lose her or your place in her heart. Things like this happen, when one starts a relationship. Maybe deep down, you know that in the future that boy might become more important to her than you are at the moment. It´s sad, but it happens.

Don´t be sad over her happiness. Talk to her and tell her what you fear of, I´m sure she´ll understand, from what you wrote here. You´ll feel better after she´ll reassure you that you´re still gonna be her best friend, even if that means less time together, or a new family for her.

Cheers!

 

[Rolyo85]

Well, I don't think you actually need that much help. You said it yourself, your life is taking a turn for the better, you're losing weight, about to start dating, and all that jazz. Focus on yourself, not on what your best friend has gotten a bit ahead of you.

1. You owe her your support, and to listen and be appreciative. Things will come your way much quicker if you aren't wracked by jealousy and self-pity.

2. You will not lose her as a friend, even if your relationship changes. People come into our loved ones' lives, and they have less time for us, but it doesn't really kill what the essence of the friendship is. We seek our own happiness and learn not to depend on others for it.

 

[Andi]

Well, I don't think you actually need that much help. You said it yourself, your life is taking a turn for the better, you're losing weight, about to start dating, and all that jazz. Focus on yourself, not on what your best friend has gotten a bit ahead of you.

1. You owe her your support, and to listen and be appreciative. Things will come your way much quicker if you aren't wracked by jealousy and self-pity.

See, that's what I need. These are brand new feelings for me. I closed them off for years on end because they weren't worth the trouble. I don't think that I'm jealous of HER or HIM but more of their fortunate situation. I do owe her support and appreciation absolutely but I also feel like I'm owed some respect as well. It's really not rational what I'm feeling - and I recognize that when I'm clear minded but it's so hard to see and understand when she's going on and on.

Should I put some respectful distance temporarily between us? Our friendship will endure, I'm not worried about that at all.

 

[Callum]

Heya! So, I've actually been in the SAME boat before! Ironically the guy is now one of my best friends now as well as the gal too! I was jealous at first because, well, I wanted what she had. Not the whole heterosexual romance or anything. Just someone to be with, possess my thoughts 24/7 and a guy that I could gush over and tell my friend anything and everything about. I honestly still haven't found that guy yet. But I will! Eventually! And I know in my heart she'll listen to me rant and rave about how awesome he is.

So, I coped with the situation by thinking about what she would do if I just happened to be in her lucky shoes. And I know she'd be just as happy!

 

[eastofeden]

Can I ask about the backpeddling? Do you have to do that often?

It is true about he jealousy and self pity. Also remember...you are there at the beginning of this relationship. Everything is wonderful and over the top...at the moment...as it unfolds you may find that you aren't as envious as you are now. You may even cross the spectrum and be thanking God it wasn't you.

The nice thing about your post IMO...you are brilliantly in touch with your feelings and honest about them which is really the optimal state to be in. It is refreshing. I think your feelings are normal and to be expected. Take a little time if you need to distance yourself but also don't be too hard on yourself because all or nothing situations are not the norm. It is OK to be happy for someone and still have some envy.

I think a great trick is to change the channel (on any problem) For instance...instead of her gushing being a painful reminder.. look at it as a message of hope instead. You can always look at the same situation in a multitude of ways....especially when you feel stuck.

Good Luck to you!

 

[Seasoned]

I don't see you as envious. I see you as a human being who's friend is either away with her boyfriend, away from her boyfriend and acting out because she misses him, or away from her boyfriend talking non-stop about him. Your common interests and activities are taking a back seat, which is understandable, but, nonetheless, a big change has occurred.

From what and how you wrote I'm wondering how much she's been in control of your friendship. I'm also wondering if you're worried about losing a roommate.

It's too bad that you have to be careful how you phrase things with her. Is that also how she behaves with you?

You will probably always be friends, but I think you've gotten a wake up call. It's time to expand your horizons and make more friends. Is there some type of LGBT organization or social/activity group you could join?

I think it's time to celebrate the new you.

 

[Rolyo85]

See, that's what I need. These are brand new feelings for me. I closed them off for years on end because they weren't worth the trouble. I don't think that I'm jealous of HER or HIM but more of their fortunate situation. I do owe her support and appreciation absolutely but I also feel like I'm owed some respect as well. It's really not rational what I'm feeling - and I recognize that when I'm clear minded but it's so hard to see and understand when she's going on and on.

Should I put some respectful distance temporarily between us? Our friendship will endure, I'm not worried about that at all.

I absolutely have been there. I know how it feels. There is only one solution ,and that's never forgetting that you don't have a right to these feelings (or rather, you do, but they are strictly negative and destructive), and focusing on the stuff that makes you happy. If perhaps some distance is required, then go for it, but it's usually enough to just follow the above advice.