I need some help with some jealousy issues and overall relationship advice.

[kyleintx]

Hello! New here!

Let's see I don't know where to start, but I'll put it straight out there...I have some jealousy issues and I don't want those issues to ruin the relationship I am in now. I have a few other things I need advice on too.


So I recently got out of one relationship and jumped straight into a new one. I'll just talk about the new one: I'm 22 and he's 19 (just starting his sophomore year of college).

We are both good looking men. If fact, he one most attractive at his high school. I won most likely to succeed. So, we both have good social skills and attractability. We're a pretty good match for each other on looks.

I don't understand where my jealousy comes from. He is probably the sweetest person you would ever meet and would do no harm from me, yet the reason I am writing this is because he is wanting to go out to the gay clubs tonight with his gay friends, but I have a test tomorrow and have to stay in and study.

And I don't know why but I just get so jealous about that. I don't know if it's the age issue and I look at him and I get jealous that he has so much ahead of him and I know I'm already basically done with college.

Or, maybe because I've never had a gay friend. I don't know... I've tried but they never seem to work out. I feel like I can never trust a gay guy. I feel like they always want something more than just to hang out. I've always just had girlfriends. So, when I hear he has new gay friends I get jelious too. I don't know if it's because I feel I can't have gay friends (as in it's never worked out) or that I look at it as what happens in the 'straight world'. If a guy and a girl become best friends....then shouldn't they be a couple?? I mean that's how it works in the movie....'childhood friends become lovers as they become older'. I just never understood the point of gay friends, yet here I am asking for help from gay people. I don't know what it is. I hope I'm not offending anyone by this. And sometimes I think I should just give it another try but I'm afraid to be disappointed again.

What's weird is that as I'm writing this, the jealousy issue is lightening up.


Maybe the bottom line with me is I'm just mad that I have to stay in and study while he (and other ppl) can go out and have a good time.


But can someone please help me out with the gay friends thing??? I mean...can you really have a gay friend?? Why can't I? And why do I get upset when I see my bf interacting with other fay men? I mean we are both after all...GAY!! ugh!!! I don't get it. I'm 22. please someone help me understand.

Kyle

 

[Rand]

Kyle,

Glad that you are a part of JUB. but shouldn't you be studying?

I have gay friends and I'm not inclined to want to have sex with them - nor they with me probably! However, I agree with you, it is difficult. Texas is a repressive state as is Oklahoma. We've probably had to hide being gay for much of our lives. As such, we might have had several gay friends and just didn't know it. And, when we found someone gay, there was a lot of suppressed feelings that needed to get out.

So having a friend and being a friend is difficult. To be strong in your relationship, you have to believe in yourself and your partner; you have to trust yourself and your partner and you have to communicate. If possible, be happy for your boy-friend that he has some gay friends. When you have time, make them your friends too.

My best friend is gay, has been in a couple of relationships and I've tried to be friends with his boy-friends and try to help him work through problems he might have with them. Since he is a friend, I want him to be happy, I want him to be loved. I know that I love him, but sex would be wrong, we are too alike.

Let your boy-friend enjoy himself and trust him to be safe and trust him to talk with you. I do hope you can work through your jealousy. Jealousy can be interpreted as being possessive or untrusting. Please don't be either.

hope all works out - do celebrate your life

Rand

 

[kyleintx]

Kyle,

Glad that you are a part of JUB. but shouldn't you be studying?

I have gay friends and I'm not inclined to want to have sex with them - nor they with me probably! However, I agree with you, it is difficult. Texas is a repressive state as is Oklahoma. We've probably had to hide being gay for much of our lives. As such, we might have had several gay friends and just didn't know it. And, when we found someone gay, there was a lot of suppressed feelings that needed to get out.

So having a friend and being a friend is difficult. To be strong in your relationship, you have to believe in yourself and your partner; you have to trust yourself and your partner and you have to communicate. If possible, be happy for your boy-friend that he has some gay friends. When you have time, make them your friends too.

My best friend is gay, has been in a couple of relationships and I've tried to be friends with his boy-friends and try to help him work through problems he might have with them. Since he is a friend, I want him to be happy, I want him to be loved. I know that I love him, but sex would be wrong, we are too alike.

Let your boy-friend enjoy himself and trust him to be safe and trust him to talk with you. I do hope you can work through your jealousy. Jealousy can be interpreted as being possessive or untrusting. Please don't be either.

hope all works out - do celebrate your life

Rand

Thank you Rand!

That actually made me feel a lot better. Man I have some serious issues I need to work on tho. He called me just as I was reading your response. And I know he loves me because he knows that would bother me without me telling him anything so he already told his gay friend that he didn't want to go out because of me. And then I told him the turth "that im prolly just upset that I have to stay in and study while you get to go out and have fun." but i also told him that "I know if the roles were reversed and he had a test, he would have no problem with me going out." (but the gay club issue still bothers me a bit) so I told him to go out and then he said he would invite his girlfriends along with him to make me feel better. AH!! he's so nice, I just don't know how much more he can take of me.

I want to be that boyfriend who doesn't care and who is secure enough in himself to say "yeah! go have fun at the clubs tonight! i'll be waiting for you when you get back"

He's 19 and im 22. I'm sure there's going to be times where he's going to be going to frat parties or something coming up this fall and I'm probably not going to want to go.

By the way Rand I grew up in Austin. And I go to UT. My bf goes to A&M but is thinking about switching to UT. (not for me, just because he KNOWS ( ) its a better school) but, yeah, growing up in Austin wasn't too bad being gay. I can imagine other parts of Texas could be though.

I guess I need to get over this 'phobia' I have of meeting gay friends.

 

[Orlandude]

It is VERY possible to have a gay friend without the sex part. I have 3 close gay friends and anything beyond friendship would be almost laughable. We occasionally go out together, vacation, shop, etc...There is nothing "physical" between us, never was and never will be. We simply love each other as friends. I do think it takes some time to develop good gay friendships. I don't mean bar acquaintances but real friends.

Jealousy can have many roots. You may simply be feeling insecure for some reason. If that is the case, you really have no reason to feel that way. He's only 3 years younger than you. Think about how you felt at 18. You simply have more responsibilities than he does...at the moment... but that will change. Try not to live inside your head on this. Accept and enjoy him and forget about the "what if's". If it is truly meant to last, it will. However, beating yourself up about it will only set yourself up for failure. Jealousy has no rewards. Free yourself of it and enjoy. You're young, have everything going for you and will meet hundreds of new people in your life. Some will be acquaintances, some will be friends but only a very few will be your everything.

 

[MMMonsterBoy]

I can relate. I'll tell you that it is okay to feel slightly jealous, depending on how you handle it.

Ask yourself "why am I jealous?" Do you believe he will find another guy? Dance with another guy? Do you not trust him? Then ask "has he done anything to cause distrust?" Your jealousy appears to be rooted within, and I can relate. Were you hurt/betrayed in the past? If so, remind yourself he is not your past. He is your present. As of now, his agenda is you.

The more you get these "what ifs," the more you will start to see what isn't there. Of course, never ignore a gut feeling...but understand the reality of the situation.

I can get slightly jealous with my man, but it is because I care. Also, because I care, I know not to act irrationally just as I know to believe in him...unless he gives me reason not to. I don't gay club without him because I don't like the scene unless he is there. If he wants to club, I trust him. Do I trust the guys around him? No...but I like to know that he would set them straight.

As for gay friends, hey I relate again! Except I have a ton of gay friends. I have been wasted around them, as they with me. Nothing has happened. Why? Just friends. This is why I am okay with my guys gay friends. Of course there may be a gay friend who likes your boyfriend, but that isn't important. Would your boyfriend respect your relationship is the big question. Just as before, if boils down to trust.

Trust until you get that gut feeling you're being done wrong, because you're probably right.

Good luck with your studies!

 

[TX-Beau]

You seem to have tied gay to predatory and promiscuous in your head. Frankly of you want to jump every gay man you see and are projecting, that's one thing, but I can guarantee you that's not the case with the vast majority of gay men.

As to promiscuous, most MEN are promiscuous to the degree they can get away with usually, and younger men are generally more promiscuous than older, but sugar, that's the male condition and it has nothing to do with being gay or straight. Plus there are plenty of exceptions out there.

If your BF is an Aggie, I strenuously encourage you to encourage him to bail on College Station which is fucking bleak, and hie his faggot ass off to Austin where he'll be far happier.

Also, do not listen to the movies, they lie, they fill your head with unreasonable expectations and they usually end right where the work begins.

The above poster said if it's meant to be it will happen, I disagree, "it" only happens if you commit and put in the fucking work. Real relationships give you equal parts fairy tale, frustration, comfort, annoyance, complacence, and irritation.

Know a guy long enough, I guarantee you he'll do something to piss you off, you know it's love when you want to stick around anyway.

 

[Seasoned]

Hi and welcome. I'm glad you wrote. The antidote to jealousy is trust. That's the easy part, but how do you get there? That's a simple and yet difficult journey that requires positive self-talk, the realization that the only person you can control is yourself, the realization, that each day with a loved one is a gift with absolutely no guaranties, knowing that the harder you hold on to something the sooner you become fatigued and lose your grip and thinking of something simple like Snow White and keeping in mind that pathological jealousy causes ugliness, stalking, and potential violence.

His undergraduate years will fly by as fast as yours. Go to graduate school. Let a little of his friend making skills rub off on you. Watch how he makes friends. Meet his friends. One or two will like you as much as they do him and perhaps have a lot in common with you.

Were either of your parents or any of your grandparents addicted to anything? You might have abandonment issues which need to be addressed. If you have a question or comment or a further issue for me pm me or send me a comment. I try to respond to every posting in this forum and can't get back to each one.

I wish you well.

 

[KaraBulut]

Welcome to JUB.

One very eye-opening revelation about gay people is that they aren't much different than straight people. That means that they can be as nice or as mean, as funny or as serious, as interesting or as boring, as complex or as superficial as their straight counterparts.

If you want gay friends, then don't distinguish between gay and straight as the first priority. Look for friends that you are compatible with as your first priority. Coincidentally, a few of those friends will be gay.

As for your boyfriend situation... if you've talked with him about your feelings about monogamy, then at some point you have to trust him. If he's going to cheat, he's going to cheat. In fact, he might be less likely to cheat if he's told you he's going out to a gay club and he's with his friends... there's certainly more temptation these days when he's home alone on the internet when he doesn't have his friends there to know his business.

But how much of this is about your own insecurity? You're dating a hot guy. There's a lot of guys that would like to get in his pants. Part of this is trusting him. Part of this is being confident about yourself. Part of this is believing that the two of you have something that neither of you would fuck up for a one-night stand with someone else.

Your own insecurity is probably the source of your jealousy. And that's probably what you need to work on the most.

And hopefully he will make a decision to relocate and attend The better university soon.

 

[rjmrjm21]

Just seems odd that someone would want to be in a relationship and still go clubbing. The whole purpose of the club is to hookup or at least see what's out there. Doesn't he have any hobbies?

 

[Rand]

......

(but the gay club issue still bothers me a bit) so I told him to go out and then he said he would invite his girlfriends along with him to make me feel better. AH!! he's so nice, I just don't know how much more he can take of me.

I want to be that boyfriend who doesn't care and who is secure enough in himself to say "yeah! go have fun at the clubs tonight! i'll be waiting for you when you get back"

He's 19 and im 22. I'm sure there's going to be times where he's going to be going to frat parties or something coming up this fall and I'm probably not going to want to go.

By the way Rand I grew up in Austin. And I go to UT. My bf goes to A&M but is thinking about switching to UT. (not for me, just because he KNOWS ( ) its a better school) but, yeah, growing up in Austin wasn't too bad being gay. I can imagine other parts of Texas could be though.

I guess I need to get over this 'phobia' I have of meeting gay friends.

Kyle,

Ok, Austin is a more gay friendly than most of Texas. At least your bf isn't going to Baylor! It is important to find good friends and hopefully have several that are gay. Find organizations that you and your bf have interests and maybe you will find other couples. It is important to grow in your relationship and as a couple have friends together.

And it is never being a bf that "doesn't care" - you always care, it is just that you care for your bf as much as you care for yourself. You trust him and encourage his trust in you through your actions and communication.

I do hope your bf joins you in Austin and that your relationship keeps growing stronger.

best of life to you both!

Rand

 

[biguy562]

Kyle,

Our situations are very similar yet vet very different. I am 25 and my boyfriend is 18. This past week he moved about 55 minutes away to go to school at an Art Institute. I am thinking about the what if's all the time and it's only the 3rd day with him! I feel like we are perfect for each other and are very compatible. He has the most gorgeous smile and eyes. In some ways I have no worries about him being down there but in other ways I am because (after reading the posts) of my own insecurities. My first ever boyfriend and sexual relationship cheated on me.

I have also worried about the gay friends issue as well. I think "What if they try to flirt with him" and stuff like that. My boyfriend told me a few weeks ago, "My stepmom asked me the other week if I loved you, I said yes. She then asked me if I was "in love" with you, I said I didn't now." Him and I were at the beach at the time and he then said "Now, I am falling "in love" with you"

Our 3 month anniversary was July 1st. We have a lot of the same dreams and an extremely good connection. He is definitely not your average 18 year old. I guess I just need to do what someone said earlier is to believe the past is past and to trust more. Thankfully though he is around the type of guys is not attracted to at all so that's a good thing lol

 

[pancuronium]

It is VERY possible to have a gay friend without the sex part. I have 3 close gay friends and anything beyond friendship would be almost laughable. We occasionally go out together, vacation, shop, etc...There is nothing "physical" between us, never was and never will be. We simply love each other as friends. I do think it takes some time to develop good gay friendships. I don't mean bar acquaintances but real friends.

Jealousy can have many roots. You may simply be feeling insecure for some reason. If that is the case, you really have no reason to feel that way. He's only 3 years younger than you. Think about how you felt at 18. You simply have more responsibilities than he does...at the moment... but that will change. Try not to live inside your head on this. Accept and enjoy him and forget about the "what if's". If it is truly meant to last, it will. However, beating yourself up about it will only set yourself up for failure. Jealousy has no rewards. Free yourself of it and enjoy. You're young, have everything going for you and will meet hundreds of new people in your life. Some will be acquaintances, some will be friends but only a very few will be your everything.

I just made an account here on the forums to tell you thanks.. I'm kind of in a similar situation, and that was *exactly* what I needed to hear.