I need some words of wisdom...

[flamingbunny3606]

I'm 19 yrs old, I came out last year and my mother took it surprisingly well(she was born and raised hardcore catholic) well today I found out she didn't accept it at all. She actually thinks my dead father's side of the family brainwashed me into being gay to spite her. She refuses to accept that I'm not confused, she literally can't say that I'm gay the closest she can say is that I think I'm gay. I'm moving out in 2 months anyways, out of state. I guess I don't so much have a question but I'm losing my head right now. I really just need some input or something, anything would be helpful, I live in a small town so there aren't many people I can go to.

 

[backpacker]

There are many stages of acceptance that parents go through. I would say that initially she thought it was just a phase. Now that the phase has gone for a year, she has decided that "somebody influenced you". This isn't uncommon, especially for very religious parents. She probably feels that she made a mistake by initially being accepting and that she must take some action to stop your behavior. Parents seem to move toward acceptance at different paces and I would say your mother will probably take longer than average.

What can you do? Hold your ground and let her know that this isn't a phase and that nobody corrupted you. You were born gay and that's the way you will be until you die. Don't say anything that would give her the least bit of hope that you may not be gay. Refuse to accept any anti-gay remarks she makes, but do it in a respectful manner (she is still your mother). You can always say something like, "That remark is hurtful. I wish you would just love me for who I am." Maybe if she sees how much her non-acceptance hurts you, she will start to come around.

Some parents will never be accepting, but I think there is hope for your mother. The fact that she didn't initially freak out shows that she isn't completely closed minded. Even if you do the things I say, it will still take time. It's almost as though some parents need to grieve for the loss of the life they dreamed for their child. Keep in mind that a lot of people think that being gay means you lead some deviant lifestyle. They don't realize that you can still have all the same things as straight people (other than marriage depending on where you are).

If she is the least bit willing to learn more, she would probably benefit by attending PFLAG meetings.

Good luck! I think everything will be OK in the long run.

 

[Absolut]

^ Very good advice, backpacker.

I patiently await Lex's input as well.

Rabbit is good, rabbit is wise.

I was also raised in a very Catholic family (even with a lesbian aunt, who brought her "friend" around) and my parents still have yet to accept it. Well, I should take that back - I've told both of them, yet they haven't brought it up but twice between the two of them since I came out.

I'm lucky to have the support of my two sisters, several cousins, and friends to fall back on. I hope you have that same sounding board.

Lots of good juju coming your way!

 

[flamingbunny3606]

Thanks, I've been standing my ground, but I haven't been nice about it. It just hurts to hear your mother say things like being gay is an abomination against god, or I think one day your gonna stop thinking you're "that", she's even told me once that she wishes she had got AIDS instead of getting pregnant with me. It's just hard to feel like you've been living with the enemy your whole life. I can honestly say I don't know what love feels like, which in the long run will probably be a blessing in disguise cuz some of the best performers had horrible family lives(I'm going to music college as a vocal major, I also act, dance, and come up with so many jokes I should probably try and be a comedian instead of a singer, lol). It just sucks, ya know? I never show my emotions, so it's nice to be able to vent.

 

[flamingbunny3606]

[QUOTE
I'm lucky to have the support of my two sisters, several cousins, and friends to fall back on.QUOTE]

I'm an only child, and I haven't had much contact with my family on my mother's or my father's side. I do have a tight group of close mates, I guess that's the real reason I needed advice, I'm moving to L.A. in 2 months to go to The Musicians Institute, so I'm gonna be by myself and I guess I've been kinda freaking out about that a bit, and this just sort of brought the fact that my support network is gonna be gone. I'm not worried because of being gay, anyone who knows me knows I'm not ashamed of pretty much anything, though I don't show my emotions, people know me as the hyper, cock-loving, music major who's always happy. I only have 2 people who I've known for so long that they understand the way I am and I'm scared to lose them too.

 

[Miss Ruby]

The sun shines and warms and lights us and we have no curiosity to know why this is so; but we ask the reason of all evil, of pain, and hunger, and mosquitoes and silly people.

~Ralph Waldo Emerson



I wish you much strength

And about your mom...maybe time will be a healer...if not...she failed. It`s easy to become a mom, it`s hard to be a good one.

 

[KaraBulut]

Denial.
Anger.
Bargaining.
Depression.
Acceptance.

Your mother is stuck in denial ("he think he's gay") and anger ("it's an abomination").

This may be where she stays for a while. In the meantime, you have to live your life. You will accept yourself. You will fall in love. You will have relationships.

Eventually, your mother may come around. But at this point, it's mostly her issue to deal with.

 

[G-Lexington]

About the only wisdom I can give you is this. Your mother would rather picture you deluded than homosexual. And, frankly, there's nothing you can do to convince her otherwise. No matter how many guys you lust after or have sex with, she can cling to the belief that you simply THINK you're gay, but, y'know, you're not.

So what can you do? Let her. Tell her, "If that's how you'd like to look at it, I won't argue the point." Then let it drop.

Lex

 

[conrad]

My questions would be: Why come out to anyone? Your sex life ought to be personal and private. No one, including your parents, IMHO , can really change what you are discovering about your own sexuality.. They are on more solid grounds if they support you as a person and respect your rights to be what you are even if what you are leaves them with lots of questions. You, on your part, have to be as open about your relationships as you can be. If your parents are like most parents, they will want to meet your friends. Young people are wise to be open about their friends. Let your folks get to know your friends. If they know and like your boyfriend they are more likely to accept him as a person of value just like their own son, and they would be more likely to accept the possibility that there might be a sexual connection between you and your friend than if you simply announce that you think you are, or even if you declare that you are, gay in the way of a solemn announcement.

 

[Luka]

My questions would be: Why come out to anyone? Your sex life ought to be personal and private. No one, including your parents, IMHO , can really change what you are discovering about your own sexuality.. They are on more solid grounds if they support you as a person and respect your rights to be what you are even if what you are leaves them with lots of questions. You, on your part, have to be as open about your relationships as you can be. If your parents are like most parents, they will want to meet your friends. Young people are wise to be open about their friends. Let your folks get to know your friends. If they know and like your boyfriend they are more likely to accept him as a person of value just like their own son, and they would be more likely to accept the possibility that there might be a sexual connection between you and your friend than if you simply announce that you think you are, or even if you declare that you are, gay in the way of a solemn announcement.

I think if you are gay everyone should know, becasue then you can find out who really loves you. Also sex life should be expressed its an amazing thing. I personally dont believe so much in privacy, why does everything have to be so private. I men things like SSN and stuff ya but not sex life and ur beliefs on topics. Express yourself!

 

[Lube]

I know I won't win any awards for my subtlety, but here's what I'd do:

Nothing impresses--or scares--people as much as someone who speaks with conviction (think televangelist). She thinks she has the higher ground because of the bible/religion.

But next time turn things around, and speak forcefully and with conviction.

When she tells you you're an abomination, turn to her and say, "No, Mom, the only person in this family who's an abomination is you! Any Christian who would reject her son because he's happy with who he is, is a true abomination in my book. You're the one who's going to rot in hell."

Like I said, many people will disagree with me. But I think that's the only language she understands.

Hopefully you only have to do that once, and she'll get quiet and think. It might take a few applications, though.

Once she starts coming around, that's when you have talks about love vs. sex, and what great friends you have, and introduce her to other gay men. But right now she needs tough love.

 

[Luka]

I know I won't win any awards for my subtlety, but here's what I'd do:

Nothing impresses--or scares--people as much as someone who speaks with conviction (think televangelist). She thinks she has the higher ground because of the bible/religion.

But next time turn things around, and speak forcefully and with conviction.

When she tells you you're an abomination, turn to her and say, "No, Mom, the only person in this family who's an abomination is you! Any Christian who would reject her son because he's happy with who he is, is a true abomination in my book. You're the one who's going to rot in hell."

Like I said, many people will disagree with me. But I think that's the only language she understands.

Hopefully you only have to do that once, and she'll get quiet and think. It might take a few applications, though.

Once she starts coming around, that's when you have talks about love vs. sex, and what great friends you have, and introduce her to other gay men. But right now she needs tough love.

hahaah OMFG i love it

 

[Tizinsane]

LOL! Me too!!!