I need to get this off my chest

[hyperion]

Well, I’ve never really done anything like this. I don’t know any of you, which, in a way, makes it easier for me to write this. This will be very long winded, but I need to get this off my chest. For those of you who will read, be warned, this is will be long and may seem to go all over the place.
Where to begin. A little over 10 years ago, I met the man I am still with. We met when I was on a trip to Europe. 2 years latter, he made the move to Canada. He is the man of my life. I know this. He really completes me and I complete him.
I’ve always wanted to be an MD. I did an undergrad in bio, and then completed my grad and post-grad studies in biology as well. Last year, when I turned 39, I decided to put my dream of becoming an MD to rest and apply to med school one last time (I hadn’t applied in many years). Our relationship was not going very well. Not bad, but not great. He cheated on me, which didn’t really bother me cuz I was also thinking about it and, after 10 yeas together, I don’t see one ‘accident’ as enough to through away everything we have.
To my great astonishment, I was accepted to a med school about 250 km away from our home city. I found out he cheated on me on the day I got accepted. After weeks of discussions, and pondering, I decided to go ahead and take the plunge. We struggled and we got to a better place before I left. He decided to stay where we lived.
So, here I am, a now forty-year-old man, surrounded by very young people, in a new city, alone, where I don’t know anyone. Going back to school is not the easiest thing when you have a support system. When you don’t have a support system, and are surrounded by the ‘best and brightest’ (or, at the very least, the ‘very hard working’), it’s even harder. I try and talk to my spouse about my insecurities, but he just doesn’t get it. Mind you, I’m really not the ‘touchy-feely’ type. There is nothing wrong with that; I’m just not one to open up very much, even to my spouse. I usually deal with my own crap by myself. I don’t keep things bottled up either. When I have something to say, I say it. I guess that’s why I don’t feel ‘threatened’ by opening up here, as no one knows me. I know I should talk to him, but I’m not great with ‘deep’ phone discussions. It also does not help that he has not come to visit me once. I feel even more alone.
To make matters worse, I’ve become friendly with a neighbour, who, it turns out, is gay. I honestly had no idea. We went out for diner a few nights ago and that’s when he told me he was gay. He’s the first person I have met here, outside from schoolmates. We kissed at the end of the evening, nothing more. He apologised, as did I. He is a good guy and I think we could be friends. I’d like that. I think I’m confusing ‘friendship’ feelings with my loneliness and simply need to reach out to someone. And he was there, listened to me. We had a great time. I don’t see myself leaving my spouse for anyone. Even after all we’ve been trough, or because all we’ve been through. I really do love my spouse. And that’s what hurts me the most, not being with him and that, after 10 years, he still can’t ‘read’ me.
God, I can’t believe that at 40, I’d feel like I did when I was 15. I feel and sound like a teenage girl.
End of semester is just around the corner and I feel really lost and confused and alone. And I can’t deal with all this plus finals. It’s really just too much. So, I’m ‘coping’ ergo, pushing it all out of my mind until the end of the semester.
Anyways, thanks for ‘listening’. I just needed to get this off my chest. Before I hit rock bottom.

 

[KaraBulut]

Whether you realize it or not, a new chapter of your life is beginning.

And unfortunately, sometimes when something new begins, it also means that something old is ending.

 

[Eagle653]

You're sounding a little depressed, which could be understandable given it's the end of the semester, winter, dark all the time, and so on. The holidays are coming up--what are your plans? I assume you're heading back home to your partner. This would be a good time to either connect on a genuine level, or time to visit with him about where this relationship is.

You have moved on to a new phase of your life and career. Does that excite you, or sadden/threaten you? Do you think there's a possibility your relationship is ending, or over? How do you want to handle that? And, what would be your honest reaction if it was?

Moving to a new city, starting a new venture like med school, are all stressors. It's natural to be down and lonely until you get established, make friends, get to know the place, and start new routines. But, apart from that, I'm wondering if you are really missing what you felt you once had: A stead, reliable and loving partner with whom you shared life. I suspect it's the latter that's really bugging you, and I don't think you're going to get past that until you address it with him--hopefully within the next few weeks.

Good luck. I know this isn't easy.

 

[Echoes]

It's another chapter in your life mate. I know it's hard to move and start a new life somewhere, I did it, it was hard at the beginning but it does get better, just a matter of finding people to hang out with and share some deep conversations every now and then, in other words friends and you sound like you already did.
Regarding your partner, it sounds like you have it pretty figured out. A kiss means nothing, don't over think it.

good luck.

 

[hyperion]

Thanks for the replies and no, it is not easy.
After posting, I decided to 'be a man' and called him and tried to have a 'deep' phone discussion, which is something I try and avoid simply because I always prefer to have these discussions face to face, which is not possible for now. Obviously, we are far from settling things, but I did open doors, some of which he did walk through, some not.
I don’t know if there are any ‘happiness phases’ like there are denial phases, but, the ‘honeymoon’ for med school is over. I was very excited at the beginning, and then a little frightened and overwhelmed at all the work we will have to do, felt like I would not be able to learn all this stuff and perform well enough. Well, my grades are not that bad, not great, but I’m pretty much in the B to B+ area, I’ve gotten through most of the material and starting to connect with some of the older students and some of the younger as well.
I am a person who, normally, adapts well to situations. I guess this is more than just a normal situation and I am surprised at my reaction. I didn’t think it would take me this long to adapt. Mind you, I had to move twice during my 3 months stay here. I had bought a condo (it was cheaper than renting) but it was not ready when school started. So, I had to live with some friends for 2 months before being able to move into my condo. My spouse and I also changed apartments in my home city. We found a new place months before I found out I was accepted. So, that’s 3 moves in 6 months. Another stressor I guess.
Holliday’s are coming up. My final exam is on December 17. We have our Christmas party at school after that exam, which I’ll be attending. So, I’ll be heading back on the 18th for 3 whole weeks. I’d like for us to come to my condo for a few days during Christmas break when he’ll be off. His job is not mon-fri, 9-5, so his weekends are spread out during the week. They take turns having sat-sun off. And he works for a Casino, so they’ll be opened pretty much all the time. He always has 2 day weekends though.
I don’t know where we are headed. I just know that I really love him very much and I do believe that he loves me as well. Somewhere along the way, I think we got disconnected from one another and my being far away does not help. I do miss my ‘old’ life, to some extent. I am really fixated on the end result, i.e. being an MD, treating patients, connecting with them. I just need to not ostracise my friends, my spouse and family in the process.
Thanks for replying. ‘Talking’ about it does make me feel better.

 

[Seasoned]

Wow, your life has changed which all points to your courage. I think you mentioned a couple of times that you "think" your partner loves you. Frankly, that is not good enough and you deserve to know he does. True, you have some history, but are you worried about his loyalty? Why hasn't he visited? Is he younger than you? Do you financially subsidise him? Is your home town condo owned jointly? What are you each doing for sex while you are away?

I have a ton of questions for you. Of our 27 years together 16 of them were spent with me working in another city, some 150 miles away. I'd be happy to write some more if you care to pm me.

You have enough to worry about without the stress of holding your relationship together alone. Did he make any effort to find work where you now live? I'm getting a good vibe regarding you. About him? Not so much.
Take good care of yourself. I hope you have a nice holiday.

PS I got so caught up in your relationship that I forgot to commend you on following your dream. It's wonderful that you are in medical school. Keep plugging away!

 

[Cedric]

First of all, props to you for going back to school. It is not easy for people who've had years of experience doing other things to be back in the classroom again. It sounds like you are doing well in your new program. That's wonderful!

Does your spouse support your decision to go back to school? You said that you found out that he cheated on you the day you got your acceptance. Maybe the fact that you are making some big changes in your life that--as it turns out, are going well--is bothering him.

 

[hyperion]

Wow, your life has changed which all points to your courage. I think you mentioned a couple of times that you "think" your partner loves you. Frankly, that is not good enough and you deserve to know he does. True, you have some history, but are you worried about his loyalty? Why hasn't he visited? Is he younger than you? Do you financially subsidise him? Is your home town condo owned jointly? What are you each doing for sex while you are away?

I have a ton of questions for you. Of our 27 years together 16 of them were spent with me working in another city, some 150 miles away. I'd be happy to write some more if you care to pm me.

You have enough to worry about without the stress of holding your relationship together alone. Did he make any effort to find work where you now live? I'm getting a good vibe regarding you. About him? Not so much.
Take good care of yourself. I hope you have a nice holiday.

PS I got so caught up in your relationship that I forgot to commend you on following your dream. It's wonderful that you are in medical school. Keep plugging away!

Soreknees,
I don’t know if courage describes me, but I’ll take it!
My partner is 8 years younger than I am, which makes him 32. I say ‘think’ he loves me because he does say it, but I must admit that I sometimes find that his actions don’t support what he is saying. I think that I am also not painting an accurate portrait of him. Our history is… complex.
When we moved in my home city, our apartment was not liveable: the bathroom was still being renovated, ergo, not water, no toilet, shower, nothing. So, we had to pack some clothes, get the cats, and spend 3 weeks at my moms. Moving into non-liveable places seems to be a recurring theme this year in my life, but I digress. When we found out that the apartment was not ready, we could have, at that time, broken the lease, as our landlady was not respecting the contractual lease agreement. When we moved, I had already accepted to go to med school and had given my notice at my job the week before. In that regard, there was no going back. We had heated discussions about him moving here with me. At the time, he had a contractual job, which was ending on August 29, the day I was leaving for school. It would have been easy to pack our stuff, store it for a few months and come here, but he did not want to do it. He is not someone who deals well with change. If you can believe, I am better at it then he is!
I am not certain exactly why he will not visit. I have asked him and the excuses are somewhat lame. I am not worried about his loyalty. What happened, happened and I share a measure of responsibility in that. I was thinking about it myself and had the phone # of some guy. I just never went through with it. I don’t think I’m blameless in that at all.
In terms of financial support, I used to support him until this summer. I now live of what I had set aside form myself, a little student loan and, until I get full loans next year, a line of credit. He has since found an 18 month contract at a casino. He mentioned a few weeks ago that he’d like to come here as the job he has now might be opening a branch here. His first reason was financial, which kind of turned me off. I would like him to visit first, to see if he likes it here. I know I’ll be here until at least 2012. Then, during my first year of clerkship, I might be able to move back to my hometown. I’ll have to do my second year here, but I could do my residency anywhere. So, until I’m sure that he wants to come here for us, and for him, I’ll hold off on pressuring him about it.
I used to take car of everything until I left. I showed him how to make a budget, respect it, how to pay the bills by internet, etc. But he is still struggling to find his balance in all that. I guess that’s why he does not want to visit just yet.
Anyways, I like to PM you about your long distance relationship. It might give me a different perspective, especially seeing as though your couple seems to have survived it.
Thanks for the support.

 

[hyperion]

First of all, props to you for going back to school. It is not easy for people who've had years of experience doing other things to be back in the classroom again. It sounds like you are doing well in your new program. That's wonderful!

Does your spouse support your decision to go back to school? You said that you found out that he cheated on you the day you got your acceptance. Maybe the fact that you are making some big changes in your life that--as it turns out, are going well--is bothering him.

Thanks. I must admit that there are days that I feel like just heading back home… but I’ll get through it. I’m doing OK. Far from being 1st, but I guess that’s not what is the most important thing. It’s not easy, but I got to keep my eye on the ‘prize’ so to speak.
My spouse was not thrilled about my being accepted. He was happy for me, but upset for him. This is speculation on my part because I was never able to make him talk to me about it, but I think that he was more upset for himself than happy for me.
I found out that he was cheating on me on the day I got accepted because he had been ill fot the past few days and a clinic doc told him to go to the ER cuz she was worried about some of his symptoms. The treating physician at the ER told him he had all the symptoms of an HIV infection. So, that’s why he told me. It turned out that he was negative and did not have unprotected anal sex with his… whatever you’re supposed to call him. He just had oral sex, without the other cumming in his mouth. I think the ER doc was trying to scare him into telling me and I think the guilt was eating him up. The actual event took place 2 months before I was accepted. Could be that it is still bothering him. It’s not like I didn’t give him the chance to talk about. I was ready to not go to med school if it meant us not being together. I think we’ll have a lot to talk about during the holidays…
Thanks again.