I need to save my marriage!!

[NickCole]

Your English is fine.

You're right about couples counseling but fighting about his resistance will only create another problem. I think you should put that aside for now.

There are issues you have on your own that you will be smart to address in counseling, so my advice is begin counseling on your own. Tell your husband that you're doing it, in a way that's as non-threatening to his fears as possible. It's scary to him not only because he's embarrassed about airing private laundry but also because it will mean change -- as difficult as your current atmosphere is, it's familiar to him and he feels he knows how to function in it.

 

[gotdimples77]

it sounds to me like you have a couple issues right out there in the open to work on...you need to not bully him with your money and he needs to not bully you with his fists. Sounds like you have trust issues or something. get one of Dr. Phil's books they are pretty good: that life management secrets one is pretty good.

 

[Eagle653]

Your English is great.

NickCole is right. If he won't go to counseling, go on your own. You might find him less resistant to counseling after you've gone a few times. Especially if you like the therapist and feel he or she is helping you. In fact, I wouldn't be surprised if he's more eager to go if only to tell his side of the story too. Tell him he can go alone a few times at first too (the therapist may request that also).

Good luck. I admire how much effort you're putting into strengthening your relationship.

 

[Roland00]

Forcing him to go to therapy will make the situation worse. He needs to want to go there of his own accord.

Making him feel less due to your greater salary, his past actions if he has changed (not excusing what he did with violence in anyway), or just the fact you are hurting will cause resentment and will make the situation worse.

Talking to him or a counselor will help you, you will find more productive ways of saying feelings, more productive outlets instead of passive aggressive tactics.

Note your recent fight, you got really angry at your husband over a little things. You have allowed your anger of how society, biology, and people have treated you to build up so much, and then you blamed all of this anger, hate, and pain on your husband even though your husband has no control over those things. You blamed him, even though your husband wasn't the one hurting you in that way, it was society and fate that was doing those cruel things.

I seriously recommend getting some help for you to find more productive outlets, it sounds like your husband also needs help, but you can't force him, he has to do it of his own accord.

Good luck.

 

[Roland00]

Oh your English is also fine, and we have similar sayings in English I don't believe anything was lost in translation

 

[biravatch]

"... don't air our dirty laundry in public." I think that's what you're looking for.

 

[looseliam]

I feel he is reacting a such because he's essentially backed into a corner.

He comes to a home you provide. He goes to school which you provide. And then to top it off you rub it in his face. If you offered to do these things, then shame on you.

It would be in your best interest to see a counselor and discuss why it is you feel the need to rub things like that in his face. OK, so he hit you. You've dealt with it and moved on. Why bring it up???

Once you have your issues sorted, you can better equip yourself for mending what's been hurt.

 

[rareboy]

Oh, oh, oh......................I must say that I feel sorry for both of you now. I think you both have a lot of growing and growing up to do and obviously there has been a lot of damage done to what appears to be a very fragile relationship when you dig a little deeper. I also recommend going to seek counselling on your own. If he sees you are happier and more adjusted because of this, he may feel more inclined to join. Even if he does not participate, I think you are going to learn a lot of coping skills and better ways of dealing with stresses in your relationship.

It may not help you save your relationship in the long term, but i think it is going to help you tremendously.

Best of luck.

 

[looseliam]

<snip>
What nice thing I can do to let him know I love him? you know, I really do love him very much. I fear that if we go on vacation, or something that involves money, he will feel humiliated, I don´t know...

A nice simple romatic evening. Cook something. Go for a walk. Or just snuggle next to him for hours and tell him what an amazing person he is.

 

[MindBlast]

Thank you, but we are not breaking up. After all we have been trough, FAR from it. But I think, that we need to address this ¨issues¨ now, not later, if we want to have a family. Specially me, since I am the one who has been such a bitch....

Think of what a manipulative and bossy person might do to the well being of some child???? As much as it shames me, I will immediately go into counseling to stop being this immature and spoiled.

But you know, it is makes sad to know that I have been making him feel this way.
What nice thing I can do to let him know I love him? you know, I really do love him very much. I fear that if we go on vacation, or something that involves money, he will feel humiliated, I don´t know...

Then do something that doesn't cost anything. You're his EQUAL. The best way to show that is to act it. Go for a walk around the water together.

What might make him feel better is if he gets to teach you something. What's something that he likes to do that you're not very good at? A boyfriend of mine taught me how to rock climb a while back. It was the sweetest thing ever.

 

[Roland00]

First your marriage doesn't need saving, it isn't in a "crisis"

Yes the foundations aren't as strong as they should be, you can fix that. To fix that though you have to examine what when wrong, and then learn on how to reinforce them. Calling the construction company without a plan will just make it worse

But you know, it is makes sad to know that I have been making him feel this way.
What nice thing I can do to let him know I love him? you know, I really do love him very much. I fear that if we go on vacation, or something that involves money, he will feel humiliated, I don´t know...

Buying his love won't work.

Talking to him, and being honest will. Yes being honest sometimes makes you vulnerable and uncomfortable. A lot of guys don't like doing it for exactly that reason. But your husband will realize that you are being honest even though it makes you feel wierd, if he has any empathy he will understand and that will help the relationship.

Then do something that doesn't cost anything. You're his EQUAL. The best way to show that is to act it. Go for a walk around the water together.

What might make him feel better is if he gets to teach you something. What's something that he likes to do that you're not very good at? A boyfriend of mine taught me how to rock climb a while back. It was the sweetest thing ever.

Very good ideas, Mindblast got anymore ideas to help jsnsessions. You give good advice.

 

[Roland00]

A nice simple romatic evening. Cook something. Go for a walk. Or just snuggle next to him for hours and tell him what an amazing person he is.

More good advice

 

[looseliam]

Baby steps, hun. Finding and sharing one's emotions can be an up hill battle at times. But it's a battle worth fighting.

Bored? Pfft! That's what we're here for!

 

[Roland00]

WOW guys, this support in this blog is amazing. Thank you.

You know, for me is difficult to express this feelins to my friends and family. Our country, even though is a beautiful place and has an amazing open minded government (we were the third country to legalize gay marriage), is still very much ¨machista¨ ( I don´t know the word in English, is like men don´t have to show their feelins, let alone cry).

To some degree or another, we are both this way. Even at our wedding, I didn´t let show my emotions, I wanted to cry and hold him for ever, and I think he felt the same way, but we just gave each other a little kiss and we fought so hard our tears back... And the other night, when we made peace, he just cried soo much, like a little boy, I was so heartbroken to make him feel that way (even then I didn´t cry)...

You all must feel bored by all of this, but you know, I am just unnable to share this thoughts with people I know...

And that is the part of the reason why your relationship has gotten like this. You have learn non effective outlets for emotions, emotions are natural, you can't get rid of them, and if you suppress them they will reappear but in destructive ways.

I understand Machismo (also known as macho in english, but I don't prefer this spelling for there is a huge amount of cultural differences/extremes of the word.) It is often very common in certain areas of the US. (I live in houston, texas where there is a huge amount of Mexican/Hispanic culture, it may be slightly different, but its similar). I understand you have been taught not to show emotion. First even if you can't show emotion/cry in public, there is no reason what so ever you can't show emotion/cry infront of your husband. You married him, its till death parts you two not before, thus its okay to show emotion.

Sometimes when you first relearn to show emotion it comes out all at once, and it scares you. It is okay, showing emotion isn't always like that, its just that you are new to this and thus inexperienced. Don't stop just because the first experience scared you, you will learn it and perfect it.

Being Macho doesn't mean you have to give up all feelings after all

 

[spreadeagle]

I think you need to be very careful here. It's fair to say there are some difficulties in your relationship that need to be resolved.

You've said a couple of times that you've been together since school as if this justifies your failure to do the work required for maintaining the relationship. Falling in love is fine, but it doesn't last forever and it doesn't keep the wheels oiled.

If Spanish law is lin line with other European law - and I imagine it's at least moving in that direction - then the fact that you contribute 80% of the finances is irrelevenat. If you break up he'll be entitled to 50% of everything and quite possibly, if he has a good lawyer, you'll need to pay him alimony as well. It seems that the financial aspect of the relationship is just one more on the list of things you failed to discuss because you were too busy wearing your rose-tinted glasses.

 

[looseliam]

<snip>
Like MIndBlast brilliantly advised, I will ask him to teach me something: Oh shit, he likes to HUNT

As long as he's not our Vice President, I think you'll be O.K. =]

 

[tallguy297]

Hey jsn,

The easiest simplest way to show him that you care is to do what you've had the courage to do here...be completely bluntly honest. Tell him what you told us, the way you told us.

Be prepared to fight tooth and nail for your marriage but be humble enough to admit your mistakes. I get your sincerity and your determination from your posts...thats something to be proud of mate. And I also get that you feel you have been less than the perfect partner. Still it takes two for a situation to deteriorate like this...so both of you need to accept some portion of the responsibility. For one of you to try and accept the sole problem or burden the other with that load is unfair and doomed to failure.

And so is trying to pinpoint the exact cause.

Its likely that you have simply stopped trying the way you did when you first met, and you've started taking each other for granted.

The lesson for both of you here is this. You have choices. You have made choices. They are choices that affect how you think feel and relate to each other. If those choices were selfish, unjust or less than fair, then only you can decide. They are as simple as the choice to say hello in the morning and mean it lovingly or to just go through the motions. They are as simple as an unexpected phone call or to assume the other knows you care.

Your actions are your truth. Rekindle that desire to be happy together now that you know the penalty for not trying and not giving the way you did. Thats all it will take. Treat each other with love respect admiration and most of all equality.

I admire you jsn. Youre prepared to say I was wrong. Thats the biggest hurdle overcome. But you're telling the wrong people... your partner is the one who needs to hear your sincerity and determination, not us. But I can see you desire to work as this and make it right. Thats a huge thing and a value thats worth respect.

Good luck to you jsn. Nothing is broken that cant be fixed... respect and honesty. Every time you go to open your mouth think of those 2 words...

Now its up to both of you to make this right! Good luck mate...with the determination you've showed here, this will be just a valuable lesson learnt when you looked back.

And if the rest of us are smart we will learn it with you.