I need your help =(

[balls2thawall]

I need help, advice. I'm very confused and stressed out. I ve been in a relationship for over a year. I am very happy sometimes but other times i'm not my boyfriend is 23 years old and i am 28. He is the kindest most wonderful person ever. He has treated me good.
The problem is that we only get to see each other on weekends I usually stay at his place. The other problem i see is that we only see each other on friday saturday and sunday and its usually at night, to go out get drunk and come home and have sex. I know that at my age I should know what to do but I really dont! I dont want to have a relationship where its only sex I want my boyfriend to want to be with me other than when its to go out and have a few drinks and then go have sex. I have given this guy everything and sometimes i feel left out....
now to the 2nd part of this little thing maybe its something in my head but I met some other dude he is beautiful is smart and has a great heart and is closer to my age 26.... well my bf left for Christmas to see his family and well this other dude i asked him out to a party with me he accepted and we went we had an awesome time we went bowling we laughed and talked we went to a lil bar for a lil bit had a few drinks then went on to dance for the longest time. I actually really enjoyed myself. I never get to go out with my boyfriend and go bowling and dancing and stuff. my boyfriend is really possesive too. I dont know whats going on but that night i took this other boy out i realized how much is missing in my relationship, i realized that maybe im not as happy as i think i am, was?
I'm scared. Now this new boy asked me if i was still with my boyfriend and i said yes,--I dont like to lie. he said that he really likes me and that he can give me all of his love and really try to make me happy. I now am confused and its driving me crazy I love my boyfriend he is a really awesome guy and well the sex is great too, I have never had sex with this other guy and i was dying to but i couldnt do that to another person please HELP I need advice from other ppl. I dont want to hurt my boyfriend, but i think i started having feelings for this new guy

 

[spreadeagle]

Chronological age does not necessarily bring maturity. All relationships involve choice; choice involves risk. Learn to assess other people by considering their actions rather than their words. Most of the 'pain' in a relationship is simply fear of change.

Tell your boyfriend what you have written here: that you are unhappy with the situation the way it is. If he is genuinely kind and wonderful he will want what is best for you and for the relationship and will listen to what you have to say.

There are practical questions that need to be resolved to improve the situation: Why only at weekends; why only drunken sex; why only at his place; why can't you do different things together?

The date has helped you realise that the current relationship does not meet all your needs. It has also shown you that the fun-loving guy is still alive and kicking inside and he is very attractive to other men. There are positive aspects to the current relationship but there are negatives too. You owe it to yourself to try and redirect the energies of the relationship so that both of you are having more of your needs met more of the time.

Use the New Year, or the first anniversary of your relationship as an impetus for initiating a state-of-the-relationship talk with the b/f. Be very clear about what you want to change, and be ready with suggestions. You could give him some notice that you want to have a chat about how it's going - don't just spring it on him. He may very well have issues to discuss too.

You have not cheated on your boyfriend. Don't necessarily brush the new guy off, though you might tell him that you enjoyed the date very much. Tell him that you owe a commitment to your current boyfriend but that there are some issues there which you are currently trying to resolve. Be very wary of him telling you on the basis of one date that he can give you all his love. Someone else cannot make you happy - nor should that be his responsibility - utimately you can only do that for yourself.

 

[balls2thawall]

i dont know why its always drunken sex, i dont know why its only at weekends. during the week he will tell me that he is tired and that he has stuff to do. i have always given him his space. I know for a fact that he would never do anything to hurt me, and thats what bothers me that he is a good man but i think im falling out of love with him because the way our relationship has gone. I feel crappy I wouldnt be able to do anything if i knew i hurt him because he is sweet. im very confused why do things like these happen?
the more i think about jacob,the other guy, the more i like him i see his cute sad lil face and i get depressed, he once told me that ever since he saw me that he always wanted to say hi to me and get to know me but he never did because he felt shy- that he didnt have the balls to do it, a few months later i met my current boyfriend and now well i dont know how to bring things up it scares me to hurt someones feelings. I have had many fights with my boyfriend most of them me not trusting him because he loves smoking pot and thats something i dont like,and something he refused to stop. he told me recently that he hasnt done it in forever--and i believe him. i dont know hope that i can do what i think is right....

 

[HartfordGuy]

It sounds like you have already answered your own question.

You were unhappy with the current boyfriend even BEFORE you met this new guy.

Plus you are young. You're going to kiss a few frogs before you meet Prince Charming. This new guy may not be the one either, but you'll just keep kicking yourself later for not trying to find out.

Also, don't look back with doubts. Alot of us look back at ex boyfriends and say "well, he wasn't that bad, I should have stayed". WRONG! We often need to remind ourselves of why we moved on in the first place.

You are too young to settle for someone who you are not happy with.

 

[Just_Believe18]

I don't think you should break up with your boyfriend right away. I think you need to communicate with him and tell him that the both of you need to change your lives so you can be together more. Tell him you're not satisfied with "drunken weekends" anymore and that you want a relationship with more intimacy and closeness.

You really need to give your boyfriend a chance to know your feelings first. If he disagrees and likes things as they are, then perhaps you do need to say good-bye.

But be open, be honest.

 

[spreadeagle]

Guys with relationship issues frequently play the 'I couldn't bear to hurt him card' as an excuse for staying paralysed in an uncomfortable situation. It simply doesn't work that way. We are responsible only for our own feelings.

The way we react to situations we find ourselves in is a matter of choice. Feelings are simply the sensation of energy being released, or held in our body in response to thoughts we are having. When a relationshiup comes to a close Blame or Guilt, Regret or Sadness are choices. There are other options: Gratitude for what you've shared, Excitement about the freedom of the future, Generosity in parting.

"Things like these happen" because Life is a process; it's constantly changing and we need to be flexible and respond to change. Happiness is not like baking a cake - there is no recipe. Happiness is retrospective - behave with honesty, integrity and trust and just let go. What happens to you isn't important, how you respond to it is.

 

[kurtwild]

dont let the age confuse you.
if you like the new guy better ok,but dont think about the age,that he is closer to yours and stuff.
just see with who you have more in common.

 

[NickCole]

You are being dishonest with your boyfriend and unfair to both him and your relationship, and the secretive way you're behaving is ultimately more hurtful than simply being forthright with him. Would you want someone you love to keep these kinds of secrets from you?

Before you do anything else with this new guy, talk to your boyfriend and either try to fix what's wrong or end the relationship. Talk to him and be honest.

 

[M4P]

It sounds to me that what you have in commen most with your current BF is sex. Often, especially in new relationships, we fall in lust instead of love. I think you need to take some time to determine exactly what it is you feel for your curent BF before you make any changes. Also, you need to communicate your feelings with him. Talk to him! Tell him what you've told us (except the part about going out with another guy) and possibly the two of you can make some changes in the relationship. Otherwise it will be doomed. Once the lust wears out there is little to sustain the relationship

Good luck

 

[balls2thawall]

sorry this is long but i have no one else.

im not going to lie and tell you the sex isnt good, the sex is great, the sex is awesome the thing is that its only while drunk. i dont think im being dishonest with him though. i have not cheated on him, i havent said anything about the seeing each other on weekends and all that stuff because i didnt see it before i went on a lil date with someone else.
for me it was just a routine, i got used to it being that way. even though inside i do feel a little lonely sometimes when i see my friends and their partners together all the time. I wont cheat on him, I would feel gross if i did that. I just dont know how to talk to him about it because he'll immediately will think im breaking up with him, hes a little insecure and is very jealous, and possesive. which is not the big deal for me because in a way it makes me seem like he cares but, at the same time he doesnt take care of me like i want to be taken care of, and thats very important to me. i not only want the sex but i also want a man that wants to be with me most of the time. how do i ask? i know i love him and i think its weird because he tells me, "im his everything" my boyfriend made me distance myself from all my old friends and some of them dont talk to me anymore because of him, i dont want to give up on this relationship and its not really the just jacob cuz i dont really know him to say hes going to give me all i want and desire out of a man.
when i was 23 i know i wanted a lot of sex too. i wanted to go get drunk and go party, im not only into that anymore. i am upset with myself i have always told myself that why am i gonna go do something if it aint with the person i love why not just do everything together and be happy i really try to take my bf everywhere i go, invite him and try to include him in my life. maybe its not him, maybe its me. even if you guys dont believe me i really dont want to hurt him!......i think im only gonna give it a little time for now. im going to ask him if hes happy, maybe he'll ask me the same question--and if he does ill be honest with him i want to know whats his plan for the next couple of years.
jacob called today he asked me for a ride home from work tomorrow. i agreed on taking him home, im gonna tell him whats going on maybe he can give me some advice, but since he likes me i dont know. i wont make it a habit either. i just dont want to make mistakes. am i a bad guy?

thanks for your kind advice guys i really listen and, will take every step to try to do the right thing. for now i'm all ears til friday when i see him =(

 

[balls2thawall]

thank you very much O2 and all you guys for talking to me and giving me great advice! i really appreciate it, he is selfish he does look out for himself and has been controlling for a long time now and i did try to much to please him
in every way i will talk to him soon about it and post what happened hope we come to some good conclusion and fix it or end it in a good way....
i talked to jacob today and gave him his ride home, he listened and i told him that i didnt want to leave my boyfriend and jump over to his apt and start dating him. I told him i want to be happy and my boyfriend he made me happy for sometime, now im not and if it couldnt work out that i would call him sometime when i felt i was ready to go out with him. he told me not to worry about it and that he hoped that i really went for what i wanted even if it meant that i wasnt for him. (btw i find it very awesome of him telling me that)
=) have a happy new year guys!

 

[bma1983]

I'm confused. First you say your bf is "...the kindest most wonderful person ever. He has treated me good." Now you say "...he is selfish he does look out for himself and has been controlling for a long time now and i did try to much to please him..." which is it?

I don't mean any harm, but I really don't think your relationship with your bf is gonna last. When you ask another guy out while your bf is out of town, things don't look too good for the relationship. I must ask, does your bf know about Jacob? If you want to try to makes things work with your bf, by all means try. I hope things work out for you two, but it seems obvious, at least to me, that you want to be with Jacob more than you bf.

 

[luminum]

You owe it to your boyfriend to tell him what your concerns are before you go dreaming about this other guy you met. Your boyfriend deserves a good chance to address your concerns and act on them and work them out with you over a guy you met at random on one night while he was away, no matter how charming he is.

Maybe your boyfriend thought you wanted to party and have sex on weekends. Maybe he wants other thngs, too and hasn't voiced them to you like you haven't voiced them to him. Maybe he can give you all of those things you want, he just didn't know that you wanted them and given your limited access to one another, it makes it hard to cover everything.

And if it turns out that he's not ready for that and doesn't want that and you really do, the you'll have to end it soon because you won't last with the two of you wanting different things.

Only then is that other guy an option, IMO, and only after you've given some thought to the whole ordeal with your 'now' ex boyfriend.

 

[balls2thawall]

I not saying he's a bad guy, he's not! he has been a good guy and i have enjoyed myself with him im in no way questioning that. I just know that he doesnt give me all that I want. He is not there for me ALL the time he's only there part-time. SEX, CLUBBING, AND DRINKING. He does not know about Jacob and I chose not to tell him, he's just a friend and there is no reason to tell him about it if I did not do anything inappropriate. I just went and had a good time and thats when I realized that I was not completely happy. I dont know what you dont understand about that. Yes, I will talk to him to find out what he wants, expects, and what he has in mind for OUR future. If its not what I'm looking for I'm not going to be with him. I say hes a good guy because I guess i havent been in many relationships (only one before him) because i like him, i dont know. I was single for a long time and it sucked! I dont want to be alone, I also want to make sure he is the guy i want.
After reading O2's response, it made sense to me, he does only want me around me when its party or sex time. I work as a diesel tech and sometimes my hands get stinky from the fuel or I dont have the time to get all my hands 100% clean and he bitches about it. Not that their dirty but Im a mechanic what do u want its my job!! I saw my old best friend the other night and he was all "lets go to this other club right now and hang out."We agreed and we said yes, that night we had gone out in his car, so my friend hopped in his own car and my bf and I left also, well he told me fuck that we're not hanging out with him and he drove home. Isn't that fucked up? I felt soo bad for my buddy cuz i told him we'd hang, he didnt give a shit about it.
I dont want to be an inconvienice for him and i dont want him to be an inconvience for me. The talk about moving in together came a couple of months ago and he said it was too bad but he didn't want to move together. He wants to buy a home and live seperate with his current roomates. I own my own place.....maybe he wants to be a little independent--but moving in with me wouldnt make him dependent on me he could pay rent just like my cousin that lives with me does.
I hope this clears out that fog a little bit and it makes a little more sense. I just wanted to know what you guys thought, to me O2 made A LOT of sense its like he already knew and I should say something and I will take his advice and do it, not right now though maybe in a few weeks. I'll wait for the right time, which should fall on a weekend
=(
oh by the way I didnt meet jacob on just any night I already knew him before i met my current bf--it just that i didnt know he liked me

 

[balls2thawall]

This Friday my boyfriends best friend came into town to stay at his place his best friend is a girl. My bf has totally been ignoring me since she got here. when he did want to reach me he told his roomate to text me that he wanted me there by 10pm, I got furious. why didnt he call me, anyway we went out to a str8 club we went around a few clubs and finally decided we couldnt find the right spot. we were all on our way home. I told my bf that i couldnt spend the night over--I really didnt feel like going over to sleep with him. I told him it was early that we should go out to a local gay club and he said that the girls weren't gonna want to go, I asked the girls and they were fine with it.
We got to the gay club and I started pounding drinks one after the other one. I got really wasted thinking that I would have the balls and tell him what was on my mind. I just got worse, a lot of fear started growing inside me. We all just left, I drove home and fell asleep.
Saturday I didnt hear from him very much til around night time. he called and told me, "we arent going out tonight we are just staying at my place and drinking." I said, "thats fine, even though i dont feel like drinking but its ok" I got to his apt and ate dinner and went to watch King of the Hill while he and his friends drank and talked. I heard him tell his best friend that she should take care of herself cause pretty soon he wants her to have his kid and on and on, I didnt say anything. After i got tired i told them i was going to sleep he then came over to me and told me he loved me. I went to his room brushed my teeth and was getting into bed I saw long hairs on my pillow and asked him wtf was up with that. He said dont be like that my best friend slept with me last night. BTW, I dont like anyone sleeping in my place! Besides I bought him that bed cuz i used to hated his old one. She could have slept with anyone of the other girls or on the couch I think its disgusting to have other ppls sweat, drool n' disgusting long hairs on MY pillow, i changed the sheets and pillow cases and went to sleep. Later he came in drunk and tried having sex with me and i refused telling him i didnt feel very well.
Morning came and he told me we should get up to go get breakfast at a fast food joint. I kinda wasted time on purpose and we got there too late so we just ate lunch for breakfast then he told me it was my fault he couldnt get them anything. we went back to the apt and i went into his room and fell asleep. Next thing i wake up and he was cooking for his best friend, oh yeah he's never EVER done that for me. I got up and left.
I got to my house and it was empty I felt lonely. I called a old friend of mine and she told me i should go over and kick it. It was new years eve and i didnt want to be lonely. This girl we'll call her Jacky, well her and me and all my friends used to go to clubs together and party crazy. She told me that she missed me and that she wanted me to go out with everyone else just like the old days to the club that night. I agreed and I told the bf that even though it was new years eve I wasnt going to go see him. He was VERY ok with that. So I went home got ready and felt guilty for not spending that time with my bf so i texted him, "Hey what are you doing" he responded, "getting ready to go out to a new years party with my roomates and my best friend, what about you?" I replied, "just hanging by myself at home right now" He responded back, "Oh well ttyl." that pissed me off like why was i worried if he didnt seem to give a fuck!
So i got ready quick went way out of my way to look fucking HOT! lol I never think of myself as all that but I did dress and tried looking good. We went out all my friends and me to the club and a few ppl asked me for him, i just responded that i didnt know where he was nor cared. Lots of dancing, getting hit on and free drinks from other guys! I had soo much fun! There was pictures it was crazy! Jacob called me around 12:15am to wish me a Happy New Year =) I wished the same for him and told me to take care and he hoped to see me soon. Around 12:45am my bf texted me, "Please dont drink and get home safely." I kind of ignored him and kept on partying around 1:30am i stopped drinking and pounding water for the ride home. He texted me again and asked me to let him know when i was home. We left the club at 3:45am and I did text him, I said in the message, "calling it a night ttyl."
I woke up today and I feel like I really need to tell him whats in my mind. He just called me and told me that he's taking his best friend to the airport and that he's gonna call me after he drops her off cuz he's really horny. I think tonight is the night i tell him so I can start the year off to a whole new fresh start.
tell me what you think I know its long but i like to give the whole story in details, thanks guys! I think I'm begining to be the old me again, Yay!
oh and Happy New Year!

 

[mexamor]

Happy new year. I feel bad that you are so distressed, but have you talked about children at all?

 

[balls2thawall]

we are two guys we cant create kids together!

 

[balls2thawall]

update...well this is what i came up with and told him, with the other guy nothing ever happened. i didnt seem that interested neither did him...im gonna miss my babe but this truly is the way i feel. please tell me if in your opinion i did the right thing. thanks for your time sorry its written really shitty but i really dont feel like editing....

babe i want to tell you that you are a really great guy. you have a heart that no other person has. babe i'm really sorry. i want to tell you that u will always be in my thoughts, memories and most importantly my heart. i want to tell you that letting you go is not easy for me its the hardest thing i have ever done in my life
you showed me a lot of things, you taught me a lot of things. i'm writing to you to apologize. i'm sorry for loving you so much before i'm sorry its like this but its just in me you lost me. you were right a long time ago when u told me to fuck off, i should have fucked off and not let our emotions get like they got. when you
didn't love me i adored and praised you like i have no other. now that you love me i feel like i was fighting for nothing babe you hurt me a lot! everytime you would leave to texas i was paranoid of you and your friends! all
i did was cry and wait for you. i wanted to be the only thing in your thoughts everytime you left i imagined you doing
drugs with your friends from over there and this last time that you left really killed it for me. i stayed here
wondering what you were doing i was so anxious to hear from you and i couldn't talk to you cause of the
stupid phone not working. i completely lost it babe. you promised me you would stop doing drugs in august i waited, i got an
apartment by myself so you would go visit me all you wanted to and all that happened is that i was left even more alone every day after you got off work at the bank i'd wait for you to call and tell me you were coming over i was only 5 minutes away from the bank, instead you had to go home...one day laundry the other dinner with your sister, go workout with the roomate, go to walmart, tired on weekends we usually stay together for a little bit and in the morning you would leave me alone again. why didn't you ever invite me to go
with you to do all these different things? why? why did you leave me so many times all alone? i felt like i was just your fuck buddy. and that's the feeling i have had for a long time now! you never touched me. you never cared for my sexual needs how much i desired seeing you wanting even a little bit of me and i was soo blinded by just loving you that i stopped loving myself. i need to love myself again babe. when i texted you if i made you horny u said yes and i went over thinking well maybe he'll kiss me and love me hug me tell me that he will no longer ever touch drugs for me that you will give as much love as ive given you that you would desire me in every way like i desired you. i was wrong i got fucked in the ass and that was it. i been waiting and waiting for your love for so long that it exhausted me. all i wanted was a little bit of love a little bit of attention a short phone call a day was not enough for me, i'm sorry i didn't let you know this before but in a way i wanted it to come out of you, now i sit here writing this and im drenched in tears that are running everywhere. i should have let you go when you clearly stated that you would not change for me that you weren't the type of person to show feelings. because that's what i wanted a lot of "i love yous" a lot of "i cant get you off my mind" i

wanted you to live closer to me and now your moving even further away. whenever you would let me make love to you i saw your face and it hurt me because you didn't even try to enjoy me i wanted to make love to

you soo many times and u didn't want anything to do with me making love to u, when it was completely the other way with me when u had

sex with me i enjoyed you i wanted more of you i CRAVED your body, your heart all your soul, and love. and

now that we had sex i just felt like i was getting fucked in the ass.

i know that you love me now. i know because now you've told me and i see it, but my love isnt there like it

used to and i cannot lie to you. i dont have that desire for you anymore babe but i do love you i love you a lot

but only as my friend i love you like a brother now. take good care of yourself i only wish the best for you.

Thank you for being the biggest thing that has ever happened to me.

love you

 

[looseliam]

I read over the thread again.

At the time I didn't have much to say. But now I do:

You did the right thing.

It wasn't fair for you to sit in agony waiting for him to come around or waiting for him to fulfill your needs.

He was taking from the friendship, relationship, and not giving anything back.

Your follow-up posting sealed my thoughts. When you talk about him not kissing you, or really reciprocating any sort of affection, I knew.

I had an inkling early on that you were a convenient fuck for the weekend. Sorry to be blunt, but I think you, too, kind of realise it now.

And now the healing begins, for you. Take time to lick your wounds and work on loving yourself.

Call your friends from New Year's and start rekindling your friendships.

Best of luck to you, hun!

 

[MindBlast]

It was definitely the right thing to do. From what I gather from your previous posts, your (now-ex) bf is a completely controlling asshat.

Red Flags:

-not letting you see your friends
-seeing you only on weekends
-only having sex while on drugs/alcohol
-controlling towards HIS friends
-never doing what you want to do, only what he wants to do
-making you wait on him, never the other way around
-not being intimate during sex (ie: sex is sex rather than making love)