I quit already

[booya27]

I've struggled with this whole whether i'm straight or whether i'm gay thing for too long now... i'm too scared to admit anything to anyone and i've got no one to talk to about it all... so i just feel the need to vent on here.
last night i was out and about and met a guy... it led to a bit of alcohol induced behaviour eg arse grabbing, leg rubbing... all discrete in case one of my friends saw. i just felt the need to experiment a little i guess. turns out a group of guys must have seen... later in the night they grabbed me and threw me into a circle where they pushed me around, then being smart arses and biting me on the shoulder. i got away and none of my friends know anything about it thank god. i then went home and pretty much had a breakdown. i don't know how you guys cope with it i really don't. i keep waiting for myself to be able to find some anwers and accept who i am... it doesn't seem to be getting any easier. i feel sick.
sorry i didn't know where to get this all out... here seemed like the best place.

 

[irudesan]

Sounds to me like you are a little confused. First let me tell you a little about my 19s, what an age... when i was 19 suddenly all the things started to drop in my life. I had a girlfriend but i was in love with my best (male) friend, so, i broke up with her, i had this huge crush about my friend but i was always with the "we would never be together" stuff in my mind, and started to feel that being gay was one of the worst things in this world, that i would never love anyone, i cried almost everyday... etc... for the first time i faced what i dreaded during most of my life... yes, i REALLY faced seriously the fact or the possibility of being gay.

Im sorry for writing about me, but its just to let you an idea that "i have been there". You re not alone, believe me, there are a lot of guys like you, or with similar situations...

The process of accepting being gay is... hard... and its not going to happen from one day to another... its a "process", just give you time, the goal of the process is to "reconciliate you" with you. That is because, we ALL have the society inside us, we internalize the concepts that the society consider to be "good" and "bad" at an early age... when we advance in our lives and get our own experience we gradually begin to choose what concepts we keep and what concepts we dismiss.

First, i would recommend you to be careful in your experimentation thing, i know, its neccesary, you dont have to have any doubts about it if you are going to confront it right?, but just that.. be careful.. if your going to have random sex protect yourself.. though i will not recommend you to start having sex with random people out there, its dangerous, and most important, it will make you feel like shit... first know the person... (and knowing a person its just not knowing their names..!!)

Now, some of the things that helped me...
1. You must know that YOU are NOT your sexuality.
All of us are Human Beings, like anyone else, the sexuality is just part of you, it doesnt make you better or worse than anyone. Remember that we have our hobbies, sense of humour, the things we like, the things that inspire us, and so on.. sexuality is just a part of you, not you.
When you really understand that concept it will surely help you. You have to make it part of yourself.
2. Know yourself
And i mean, REALLY know yourself... Ask yourself this question... "Who am i?".. do it when you are alone and when you re not going to be disturbed...
The day when you get that answer, it will help you...
And im not asking you to ask yourself whats your name, or what job do you do, or what do you study, or who are your parents, or your biological classification... these are not who you are.. you have to find out by yourself
3. All the people are different.
Remember this thing forever (in case you didnt knew!)
ALL people are different, this means that people will react in different ways if you tell them youre gay, and you know what? it doesnt matter how they react, it matters how do you take it... here its good to remember the "we all internalize the society" thing.. but for now concentrate on being a friend with yourself...
4. IF you have access to a help group of gay people that are in your same process it could help, i mean, other than in the internet. Because that way you can see how others are doing, and in some way it makes you feel that "im not the only one struggling with this", it gives you a different type of partnership than with straight pals. But i think this page (JUB) have a sorta same feeling, so if you cant go to a group like that dont worry...
5. You dont have to tell everybody about it.. though it will be good if you start with at least one friend that you trust (preferable a female friend i think), it will give you more confidence... then its up to you to decide when and to whom do you tell it...
6. Be patient with yourself... sometimes we are soft with other people but very stiff with ourselves... give you time.. this is like learning to walk, you dont scold a baby if he doesnt walk in his first attempt, you just help him and let the process be.

Well maybe later i can write a few more things.... the funny thing is that i entered the forum because i felt like jo, but obviously this is more important. (btw, now i dont feel like jerking off...! hahaha)

I wish you the best luck in your road. And send you a big bear hug!

And one more thing... Remember, it s your life, not anyones else.



(Note: sorry if there are any mistakes, english is not my first language.. its spanish, im from Panama )

 

[Philia]

Yea, it was really difficult for me to accept who I am despite having a very apparent attraction towards guys. Anytime anything bad would happen to me I just accepted it because I felt like I deserved it for being this way. I was raised Catholic and it just made me depressed cause it was like what’s the point of having been born if I’m supposedly going to go to hell regardless?

It wasn’t until I allowed myself to emotionally and physically invest myself in another guy that I realized that this is who I am, and it’s ok because I felt good. Being able to express the love and affection I’ve suppressed for a considerable amount of time was simply amazing. Prior to that I’d tell myself that I was “open” or “bi” just because it sounded less damning that having to call myself “gay.” Honestly, even now I feel the need to refrain from saying that word because of the stereotypes that follow. But aside from labels and what society and the media have instilled within our perceptions, this is who we are; no more or less than anyone else.

I’m really sorry that that situation happened to you (getting pushed around). The only thing I have to say really is don’t restrict yourself to labels. Make it a point to be honest with yourself and go with what feels right to you and you’ll find your way. When it comes down to it, we’re still trying to connect with other human beings and finding love is a great thing despite what gender they happen to be.

 

[G-Lexington]

I wish I had some great advice for you, but honestly, I don't know as I do. irudesan made some wonderful points, and I may reiterate some of them, but enh - so be it.

You apparently haven't decided whether you're gay or not yet. And that's cool. Your sexuality isn't like your major - you don't have to "declare" by a certain date. If asked, there's nothing wrong with saying, "You know, I honestly haven't figured that out yet." It's a bit daunting to announce to the world that you're gay, knowing full well that once you do, it's irreversible. "Wait, no, it was just a phase - I'm straight" isn't much of an option. So take your time.

Dan Savage's plan is a good one. "Wait, date, masturbate." So take your time. Get to know some straight women and gay men - don't go to bed with them yet if you're not ready. And when you masturbate, let your mind roam freely. As time goes on, you'll get a better grasp (sorry) of what it is that truly floats your boat.

As for the roughhousing you endured - sorry about that. (Biting on the shoulder? Sounds like someone ELSE did a bit of experimenting.) You don't say where you are, so I'm not able to tell how "gay-friendly" your area is. But do know it's getting easier and easier to come out. I recently revisited my high school, and there's a gay student group there now. I couldn't believe it - in my day, I probably would've gotten my ass kicked by all 4000 students, and probably a couple teachers to boot.

But even now, there are places where it's "easier" to be gay than others. Gay bar yes, biker bar maybe not so much. Experimenting in a "straight area" may not be the best idea. Next time you feel you're "making a connection", suggest moving to a more private area.

Yes, there's still stuff we have to "cope with". But it's getting so much better. It used to be we had to "cope with" society as a whole. Now it's more like we have to "cope with" a largish group of dolts who don't get it. It's easier now.

This is something you can deal with. And you will. PM me if you want to chat more.

Lex

 

[Roland00]

You need to unload to someone who is actually there, not someone on a computer screen. here are two numbers to the gay national hotline.

If you want to talk to an adult 1-888-THE-GLNH (1888-843-4564)
If you want to talk to a youth your own age, a person under 25, 1800-246-Pride
(1-800-246-7743)

http://www.glnh.org/index2.html

The website also has a location of local resources in your area.

 

[Roland00]

Oh trust me you aren't the only one who has had panic attacks/break-downs before. I know my full share. If you want to talk, I am here for you

 

[Eagle653]

Hey booya, I agree with the others who said being 19 isn't easy. I don't know where you are, but I hope there are some gay resources for you nearby. You seem to know, clearly, who you are--you just seem confounded as to where to go with that information and what it means to you.

You aren't alone (as much as it feels like it). There is a way out of this. Part of it is getting more comfortable--and confident--with who you are. That can take time, but it's easier if you have like-minded friends and a support system in place.

Good luck. Hang in there. Keep in touch with us and let us know how you're doing.

 

[confusedboy23]

I don't see the need for you to label yourself 'gay', 'bi', or whatever. You are human, and you are nothing else but YOU! Someone has already said that so I'm reiterating the need for you to be you. You don't have to rush into categorizing yourself. I'm 24 and I'm not really sure of myself neither although I do have a clearer mind. It takes time and you need to give yourself all the time you need. Your sexuality is really no one else's business but yours. Don't give up because of an incident, I mean, come on, life is tough and I'm sure you would have had tough time before. Think back, you must have fell and cried many times before you could walk while you were a young. How about the time when you failed to get into a sports team or a specific class? You don't just give up, you continue trying. Take heart and take things in stride. Don't hurry yourself, those are just labels and you really don't want to start stereotyping others or yourself.

 

[screwnutty]

I've struggled with this whole whether i'm straight or whether i'm gay thing for too long now... i'm too scared to admit anything to anyone and i've got no one to talk to about it all... so i just feel the need to vent on here.
last night i was out and about and met a guy... it led to a bit of alcohol induced behaviour eg arse grabbing, leg rubbing... all discrete in case one of my friends saw. i just felt the need to experiment a little i guess. turns out a group of guys must have seen... later in the night they grabbed me and threw me into a circle where they pushed me around, then being smart arses and biting me on the shoulder. i got away and none of my friends know anything about it thank god. i then went home and pretty much had a breakdown. i don't know how you guys cope with it i really don't. i keep waiting for myself to be able to find some anwers and accept who i am... it doesn't seem to be getting any easier. i feel sick.
sorry i didn't know where to get this all out... here seemed like the best place.

Booya27....Look I don't have alot of experience here on this...in terms I'm about 5 years ahead of you in terms of being myself. By that I mean around my friends that know I'm gay, I can be myself. All i can offer you is me...I'm a good listener. If you don't mind talking to a 31 year old Canadian. Then please add me to your msn list and we can talk. There's no need for you to feel alone in this world. You have those two telephone numbers and you have us the jub community....were here to help out one and another!

good luck and you sound like you could use this

 

[Riverrick]

Booya27, I don't understand what happened in that group of guys. Were you attacked and harrassed? Were you being beaten up? Did they call you names or were they just being friendly and kidding you?

I like Roland's suggestion above of calling a help line. The pace on the threads is too slow and its too difficult to assess your situation. Talk to someone and ask for some help. Why do this all alone?

 

[rareboy]

Oh I wish I were 19 again.

Go out, get drunk, paw some other guy and then let myself be manhandled (and bitten!!!????) by a group of GOBs.

You're going to survive all this, but you're going to have to get smarter about how all this works.

Why the struggle? Why make this difficult? Who are you trying to please? Your idea of God? Your parents? Your friends? Strangers? Why not please yourself first?

It is ultimately about you being happy, because then you'll be able to make others happy and won't become some self-hating drugged up or boozed up closet case if you are gay. If you are just sexually immature and want to experiment, then for heaven's sakes, let them be the 3 beer queers while you stay sober.

You don't have to go through agonies. Be a bit more dispassionate and honest about it with yourself.

 

[tallguy297]

Hey booya27,

Mate....firstly thank you for just getting this out... it doesn't matter where you do it....and JUB can be as good as any to start with. Sometimes a heartfelt almost anonymous pouring out of emotions is the greatest release we can have. Dont ever feel sorry for coming here and talking. We would be far sorrier if you didn't...its what we are here for...to help in what ever little way we can.

Booya... even though it feels so completely overwhelming and daunting right now, you are taking the first steps to working this out. You are making progress and you are on your way. Your post, your experience that you describe... these are signs of a guy wanting to go forward, wanting to understand himself...wanting to accept himself.

But first mate you have to know this. Theres some really crucial parts to you Booya... like your smile, your ability to love and to cherish. The ability to draw people into you and not let them go, to make them smile. Your ability to honor and respect, to trust and be true. Your ability to to be a friend and confidant and your ability to accept and support.

You are an incredible complex guy. You are unique and individual. You are loved and you are cherished by those who know you. You are worthy and deserving.

And it just maybe that you are gay too.

It doesn't change you, it doesn't define you. Your beliefs, your morals, your values are still yours. The things that make you laugh and cry are still the same, the way you love and hurt are as they have always been.

Being gay isn't about overwhelming change or becoming someone that you are not. Booya, being gay for us is about accepting that we are special incredible people with worth and value... just like our mothers and fathers, friends and family.

Its one part...one piece that fits with the hundreds of others that make you up. Right now it feels like its the biggest piece - that without it you cant complete the puzzle... but its not. How you live your life, how you treat yourself and others, how you love and respect... none of those things are influenced by who you are attracted to. And those are the things that right now people love and are attracted to you for. Those are the things that your friends and mates see.

Its ok for you to get lost and to feel sick every now and again. They're signs of the depth of your feelings and emotions and theres quite a few who are never quite able to feel as deeply as you do...thats their loss. Being able to feel is a gift that you'll use all your life Booya.

So for now mate... take it slow. Take it a day at a time. Value yourself, try to understand how valuable and important you are, the difference you make to the lives of the people who know and love you.

And let yourself understand that its ok for you to be gay.... your still you. You haven't changed... you wont change. Yeah, things will be different and yeah there will be some challenges. But you do deserve a life of happiness of love and fulfillment, and those things will come.

For now you just have to keep putting one foot in front of the other. Keep making the progress you are making. Keep pushing and keep asking those questions.

Believe in yourself Booya. Believe in the strength and courage that you've shown up until now. You are on your way mate...it will get easier...and we are here EVERY step of the way.

 

[mabby7]

Hey booya27. Umm ... that's a sad story. What did those guys want and who do they think they are. Anyways, I guess like what others had said, just try to look after yourself and be more careful.