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I really need advice...

B

BearFanatic

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Okay so here's the problem. I have a friend I see almost every other day and we hang out all the time. I really like him and think he's cute/hot and I would love to be in a relationship with him. I've known him for almost 5 years and I really love him. The problem is that he doesn't know I'm gay and he has a girlfriend. I want to tell him the way I feel about him but I'm really afraid of what it'll do to our friendship. Should I keep it to myself or tell him? Please help! :(
 
BearFanatic said:
Okay so here's the problem. I have a friend I see almost every other day and we hang out all the time. I really like him and think he's cute/hot and I would love to be in a relationship with him. I've known him for almost 5 years and I really love him. The problem is that he doesn't know I'm gay and he has a girlfriend. I want to tell him the way I feel about him but I'm really afraid of what it'll do to our friendship. Should I keep it to myself or tell him? Please help! :(
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Man.. if he has a g/f.. well he's most likely very straight.
if you tell him the way you fell about him, well that could be the end of your friendship.
You know him better than any of us here... so you have to figure out what that'd do to your friendship.
Actually I don't see how it'd help your friendship at all.

If you want to 'out' yourself to him.. well do so. but most likely he won't be interested in sexual activity with you.
I realize it's damned tough being in love with someone that may not be in love with you.

I'd say just leave it alone with this guy. Continue as his buddy... but find a b/f of your own.. someone that is gay and maybe is a bit like the guy you are attracted to.
 
If you're ready at some point you should tell him that you're gay.

But there's little good that would come from you telling him that you have a crush on him. He has a girlfriend. It seems he's straight. No relationship is going to come from your confession of your feelings- if anything, it will just damage the friendship that you have.

It's time for you to go find someone who can and will love you back.
 
well after all these years and seeing his personality, I have a feeling that he might be gay or at least bi. sometimes he'll hug me, put his arm around my shoulder as we're watching a movie, and sometimes I feel like he's teasing me. I really hope I'm right. I'll try and come out of the closet to him when the time is right. I know it's cliche but I really feel like he's the only one for me =/ thanks for replies, guys.
 
BearFanatic said:
well after all these years and seeing his personality, I have a feeling that he might be gay or at least bi. sometimes he'll hug me, put his arm around my shoulder as we're watching a movie, and sometimes I feel like he's teasing me. I really hope I'm right. I'll try and come out of the closet to him when the time is right. I know it's cliche but I really feel like he's the only one for me =/ thanks for replies, guys.
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Maybe. But probably not. You've given him 5 years to make a move. It's time for you to make a move- with someone else. :)
 
I forgot to mention that I'm very closeted. No one knows that I'm gay but I'm pretty sure some people suspect/know. I am really at a loss when it comes to telling others I'm gay. Should I tell my gay friends first? One part of me feels like I could wait for years for him to make a move though.
 
Snap out of it.

He's not your boyfriend. If he wanted to be your boyfriend, he would be by now.

If he is that special, you should be honest with him to the point of telling him you're gay and that is it.

From there it is up to him. And if he dumps you as a friend? Then at least you have an unvarnished and honest assessment of the type of person he is.

But that is way better than a 'friendship' based on unspoken truth.
 
I learned it's best to treat straight men the same as women before I even came out. To me they're one and the same, no appeal to me. I feel my life's been much better for it over the decades.
 
Dude, read the many threads of guys who have gone through the same thing. In the end you fuck up a good friendship and feel like an asshole.

We all go through it. You are lucky that guys are telling you to stay away, you are misreading his friendship for something more. AND he has a girlfriend. Sheesh. Leave him alone and go find a gay boy.
 
I'd listen to what everyone else is here is saying. Stay far far away from trying to pursue anything beyond a friendship with him, especially now that he has a girlfriend. This will make your friendship worse, especially if you're going to be unable to control the feelings after he rejects you, which will most likely end up happening as it did with me.

When you believe the time is right however, definitely come out to him, but don't confess your feelings. Sounds like he'll accept you as a friend and may even say he has no problem with it as long as you don't hit on him. Now for me, I couldn't let the crush go after I told my friend while he was still single (he has a girlfriend now), and things got worse; I'm still friendly with the guy, just not as close anymore and it sucks. If you come out to more people, it will give you a better opportunity to meet plenty of gay guys who may like you back. Of course I don't know the straight people you're close with, so I wouldn't be able to tell you how they'd react to you coming out, but if you believe people may already suspect it, it might not be so bad if they're still in your life at this point. Hope this helps :-)
 
I have a straight friend who is very user friendly - not sex - and i would not jump him for two reasons, 1. I really value his friendship and 2. I am not sure what we would do anyway.......a little bit of grubby self satisfaction for me is not worth it.
Maintain him as a friend , tell him of your orientation and let him work it out.
 
thanks a lot for the advice guys. I just decided I'm going to admire from afar and just stay friends with him. I'll tell him about my orientation when the time is right.
 
I think you are making the right decision BearFanatic. Good luck when you finally do decide to come out.
 
This seems to have gotten lost in the shuffle:
BearFanatic said:
I forgot to mention that I'm very closeted. No one knows that I'm gay but I'm pretty sure some people suspect/know. I am really at a loss when it comes to telling others I'm gay. Should I tell my gay friends first?
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Why aren't you out to your gay friends??!! I'm sure most of them already know or suspect. What are you afraid of?
 
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