I really need help with my first love!

[shygay19]

Hi, this is my first post!

I'm a 19 year old boy with a love "problem"/"problems".
I went to european school age 15-18 with this guy. We had kind of a weird relationship. I talked to him every day but we never hung out during our free time. I didn't know I was in loved with him back then but I can see now that I behaved in a certain manner - I was always joking, laughing and talking to him over the Internet in the evenings. The sick thing is that I did this for 3 f*cking years and it always felt a little like I was pretending. I subconsciously tried to make myself interesting and funny, although deep inside I'm more of a relaxed, timid, "thinking" kind of person. More geeky...

Anyway, after school we decided to meet "just for old times sake" and though we didn't say anything I began to suspect that he was gay to! From September to today we've only met a couple of times (he is in the army). Every time I've been thinking of telling him how I feel. Once I even said "close your eyes" but I chickened out. I wanted to kiss him.

So, instead of being open in real life I decided to say it over the Internet to see how he responded. We found out that we both liked each other and decided to meet soon. It all seemed to wonderful. I've never been in love with anyone else. I'm a very timid person and my self-esteem is 0 so it was like a dream come true. But it was not over yet...

When we met (it was two months ago now!) I was just completely out of my mind because of nervousness. Because of my low self-esteem (also, I'm suffering from depression) I think I somehow imagened that he just wanted me for sex - which by the way would have been cool for me - and that I sort of should "give myself" to him.

When we met everything went wrong. I was almost shaking and just battled with two feelings: the feeling of wanting him, and the feeling of insecurity. I've never even hugged a boy/girl before in a sensual kind of way. I tried to hug (rather abruptly as if forcing myself) him but he just pushed me away and in a very concerned voice asked me what was wrong. I started crying and said that I was just so nervous and that is was also due to my depression (he knows about that). He seemed "cool" with it but very "puzzled" by the way I acted. I got very sad because of the way I'd screwn up and told him some things that just seemed to further widen the gap between who he though I was and who I really am. I told him that I don't have many friends and that I've been just laying in bed thinking dark thoughts but that I'm on my way back again now.

I haven't seen him for two months now, I'm feeling a little better, and I hope that I will get another chance but I'm so afraid. I'm afraid that he will not like the "new" me, i.e. the "not so funny guy". I don't know how I'm supposed to act. I've always acted 100% straight, should I just switch like a light switch to saying things like "you are beautiful"? Should I hug him, or just stand close to him? The thing is that he is sort of a closeted gay to and a little shy. He is tall and strong and me a little shorter and slim. Is it naturally my role to let him take the initiative?

I'm having tremendous difficulties switching from being a friend into being a "lover"! Also, I have this other extremely embarassing problem. I've done surgery "down there" on my foreskin and I won't be able to have sex the next 2-3 MONTHS! Or even show it. It's swollen and I'm so ashamed.

Another thing is that I want to kiss him but I don't know if he would like that. Do you always want to kiss the other person when you're in love? Maybe he wants to but I'm embarrassed of my yellow hideous teeth.

This could become the happiest time of my life but everything seems so up-hill. Depression, the demand of shift in identity, the timidness...

What do you think he thinks about me? How should I go on with this?
I'm hopefully going to see him this weekend or next.

Thanks for your time!

 

[Roland00]

Two things, you need to learn how to relax. Someone rubbing my back is a great way for me to relax.

Second, you need to learn how to breather properly, after you get all nervous and anixety. You need to learn how to stop anixous attacks (they may not be full blown anixety attacks, but they are still painful) you need to learn how to slow down and stop them, else they will just escalate to the real thing.

Whenever you get nervous like this, count to 3, breathe through your nose for 3 seconds (make sure you actually count don't just guess its been 3 seconds), hold your breath in your lungs/stomach for 3 seconds (counting still), then breathe out slowly in 3 seconds. Repeat the process. Forcing yourself to breathe in such a pattern will force your brain, and you body to slow down, it will cause it to find a pattern doing so will cause your brain to "turn" and in the process you can escape the anxious fight or flight feeling.

---------------------------------------------------

I see no evidence of your friend not liking you. He cares for you and understands you so far of what you have told him about you. Yes you were very nervous during this meeting, and this was new to him. This doesn't mean he won't be able to accept you, doesn't mean he isn't capable of loving you

You are still new at this, that is okay, sounds like he is also new at this. Just relax and let things flow. You will learn with practice. Of course you probably know this But you would still like some advice. My advice is to sit next to him at a restaurant or a movie and just hold his hand/wrist. Just relax, and feel his skin, his hairs, his pulse, his nerves. If you just open yourself you can sense his feelings, his moods, his wants. Then act accordingly

Hugs

 

[WYSIWYG]

You said so much, not sure where to begin. I think that if you want this situation to flower between the 2 of you, and your both shy, you have to make up your mind on what you want to do or say! You have to make an attempt at being open and honest with your friend as best you can and see what happens. If your going to hide within yourself then this situation with him will be doomed. If your going to see him this weekend then all is not lost. If you have been funny in the past, you can be now, but you can be not so funny too. Most people are not funny all the time and have serious moods.

When 2 people "love" one another, they do kiss. Some kiss more than others. Some people like to hug also. My bf and I love to hug and kiss...the more the better. We like physical contact very much. So, yes, it is commmon to kiss one another!

I do not quite understand why your jumping to making love with him, if in fact, your not even sure he wants to see you??? If he is a friend and a potential bf if you told him you had foreskin surgery and your penis is swollen he would respect you and understand! And I do not think you need to be ashamed either. Others have had this same surgery!!!

I can not tlll you how your friend "might" feel about you, but as I said, you need to grow some balls and make something happen. I know being shy is hard, but if you stay shy and in the closet to yourself then guess what? Nothing will EVER happen and your depression will probably deepen. Depression and lonliness is a terrible, terrible combination mate and you need to get it togther to be happy! I am sorry that you have been depressed.

Let us know what happens. Peace and love to you!

 

[Roland00]

WYSIWYG, if I were to guess shygay19 is extremly nervous, he doesn't know what to do, thus he is jumping, he is speeding along way too fast in the relationship in his mind, he thinks he needs to do X,Y, and Z else everything will fall apart.

Well first he won't enjoy it, if he is acting speedy gonzalez all the time. He won't be himself, and he won't have time to think or feel. It would be like him putting a different mask for his friend.

Second people almost always like to live in the present (if they had a choice), they want to feel the now, they want to experience, they stretch out with their feelings and emotions, they live. Always thinking about the future to the point you are incapable in being in the present will almost always cause a relationship not to work, for you aren't physically there, instead your body is a shell in the present, but your mind is doing a thousand other things.

 

[G-Lexington]

I've had to talk to potential lovers, really hot guys, and famous people. And although I've been nervous from time to time, I've never froze up completely. Remember one thing always - the person you're talking to is a PERSON. As such, they get nervous, embarrassed, shy, whatever. They're not so different from you.

And nothing wrong with what's going on downstairs. If it should come to that - although you may be putting the cart before the horse there - tell him straight up. "I just had surgery, and I can't mess around there." But there's nothing stopping you from making HIM feel good should the opportunity arise.

Lex

 

[Grey_Sky]

Remember one thing always - the person you're talking to is a PERSON. As such, they get nervous, embarrassed, shy, whatever. They're not so different from you.

That's a great advice! That's something I always try to remember when dealing whith a difficult or embarassing situation involving someone else. And believe me, it helps a lot!

He might be just as nervous as you are...

 

[shygay19]

I think that I will just relax next time I see him and maybe just be close to him and see what happens. I think he is as shy as I am and maybe he was "put off" by the forced way I behaved. Anyway, I'm dying to see him. If I'm kind and nothing happens, then well, I guess we'll se each other again. We are friends anyway... =)

(and as you can see from my post, I'm feeling a little better mentally today)

 

[Roland00]

I think that I will just relax next time I see him and maybe just be close to him and see what happens. I think he is as shy as I am and maybe he was "put off" by the forced way I behaved. Anyway, I'm dying to see him. If I'm kind and nothing happens, then well, I guess we'll se each other again. We are friends anyway... =)

(and as you can see from my post, I'm feeling a little better mentally today)

Smiles, Good So when are you expecting to see him again?

 

[shygay19]

Smiles, Good So when are you expecting to see him again?

Hopefully this Saturday but that's just what I hope. I've been listening for the phone to ring every weekend the last 6 months and usually nothing happens. I guess he is very busy and seldom free, but it has sort of taking its toll on my nerves as you may (?) understand.

 

[Roland00]

Hopefully this Saturday but that's just what I hope. I've been listening for the phone to ring every weekend the last 6 months and usually nothing happens. I guess he is very busy and seldom free, but it has sort of taking its toll on my nerves as you may (?) understand.

Nods I understand

Just try to find ways to distract yourself until then. Also when you do feel those great feelings near him, just try to sit back and enjoy the euphoria, don't worry about what he may think, or the future. Just enjoy the moment

 

[Riverrick]

Hopefully this Saturday but that's just what I hope. I've been listening for the phone to ring every weekend the last 6 months and usually nothing happens. I guess he is very busy and seldom free, but it has sort of taking its toll on my nerves as you may (?) understand.

Why don't you call him? If you have a little more control over the situation you may feel better.

Besides, its very hard waiting for the other guy to make the first move.

 

[gameboy 11]

Thus far, you've gotten some great advice. Keep keeping on! I have depression too and it sucks big time. I used to be fine, but now some things that I used to like aren't as pleasing anymore.

Good luck with your guy though. I bet you deserve it (don't worry, I'm shy too)!

 

[shygay19]

Wow!
I get a call from him and he is asking for Jason.
I say "hehe, wrong guy but call him and we can talk later".
Then he calls me again! and I answer and he says "oh, wrong number. i'm a little busy now. bye, c ya.". Is he f****** kidding me?

 

[shygay19]

I'll probably meet my boyfriend tomorrow!

 

[shygay19]

He doesn't pick up the phone when I call him. :\

I think it is because of him being closeted but I'm really beginning to feel frustrated about this. I wait every day, every week to see him and then either he's not at home or not available. I'm getting so tired of this roller coaster: yes I'm gonna see him! Oh, I have to wait one week.. Yes Im gonna see him... Oh,I have to wait two weeks etc. etc.