I recently came out, and here's my experience

[dontaskme69]

Hey guys!
I wanted to share my recent coming out experience. I know that for many people, like myself, you learn to live with your closeted self for a long time, and I think that hearing someone's story could be helpful.

To start, I should say that I am 31 years old. I've always known that I liked guys... well at least since I was 14 or so... but I've liked girls as well. I've lived my life up to this point as a straight man with my past being littered with a few gay experiences that I would always promptly sweep under the carpet. There have been many times where I thought I was entirely gay...especially since I have fallen in love with men before. Still, I would watch straight and even lesbian porn and get off... have sex with women, make out with women and I never felt uncomfortable, I liked it. I even have fallen in love with a few women. Now that you have that background, let's get to it.

I've been living in Seattle for a little over a year now, but I spent all of my high school years in Texas which is...not the best place to be openly whatever. What I mean is that living in the Bible Belt can make it especially difficult to come to terms with who you are. If you are reading this and considering coming out, but live in a place where this is the case, I want to first say that no matter how tough it may seem, it is worth it.

In the year I've been here in Seattle, I have made several friends, and one of them has quickly become one of the closest friends I have ever had. About a month ago he called me to go to a brunch with him, and then to my shocking surprise, he came out to me...as bisexual. I listened...and went through a lot of thoughts in my head. He is a few years younger than me, so I thought "wow, he's got his shit together, even at his age! what am i doing?"... so I went outside, had a smoke, came back in and had a shot, and then told him "Welcome to the Club." This took him by surprise as well, so much so he had a blank stare on his face... I think he may originally have thought I was making fun of him, lol. Anyway, turns out, this happened literally right before Pride weekend here in Seattle so we went out to pride and had a great time...

That's not what I want to tell you about though. What I want to tell you about is what I experienced when I first started telling all of my friends and family in the days following this. Most (not quite all) of my friends were really supportive, even the ones in Texas who I called to tell. Here in Seattle, I'm fortunate that Seattle is a very liberal place and that the LGBTQ community is alive, protected, and loved by all so most of my friends here were even more excited than I was for my coming out. My favorite part is that now they even joke with me about girls and guys, and somehow it feels AMAZING to have that happen. I don't have to hide thinking a guy is attractive anymore. I don't have to pretend I'm not staring at a guy from across the bar. Interestingly enough, I'm not sure if I've never noticed before, but since I've come out, I swear I even get hit on by guys. My friends are convinced that this has always been happening but because I hadn't accepted myself, I just didn't ever notice.

My parents are a bit of a different story. My mother is...trying to wrap her head around it. My dad stopped speaking to me in this first month all together. He has said just a couple of words to me the other day so I suppose that's progress. Were there times when I've been so stressed about this that I wish I hadn't come out? Sure. Definitely. I've had my moments where I was asking myself "what have I done?" or "did I make the right choice in talking about this?" but I wouldn't take it back. Guys the first two weeks I was a wreck, and probably a person could have called me bipolar. I was extremely happy, then I'd be crying like a baby, and then I'd be back to party mode.

I say all that to say this: If you are reading this and considering coming out, I won't tell you "yes, you should definitely do it" because only you will know what is best for you. Also, sometimes it is about timing. I am 31 and just coming out of the closet...and sometimes I wish I had done it back in my 20s. Still, its never too late guys... and while I would never encourage someone to do something they are not comfortable with, what I CAN do is tell you it is a freedom like you wouldn't believe. It's the freedom to be yourself. It's the freedom be around your friends and loved ones and know that they REALLY AND TRULY love you because they know this *thing* about you, and love you anyway. They don't tear you down about it. They build you up about it. There are even fun parts to it all... now that my guy friends know I'm bisexual, if we are heading out they ask me things like "hey man, tell me honestly, do I look good?" or they ask me things like: "In your opinion, do I have a nice ass?"

Anyway, if even one person reads this and it helps in any way, I'd be happy to know that. Thanks for the time guys, and all comments are welcome!

 

[mcbrion]

Congratulations on embracing more of "you" than you did the previous 30 years of Life. Here's to becoming a happier, more "whole" person. You'll have adventures you could never have had before and it will enrich you, spiritually speaking. I hope it just continues to get better!

 

[dontaskme69]

Congratulations on embracing more of "you" than you did the previous 30 years of Life. Here's to becoming a happier, more "whole" person. You'll have adventures you could never have had before and it will enrich you, spiritually speaking. I hope it just continues to get better!

Thanks a ton, I appreciate it!

 

[bankside]

I know it doesn't exactly work like this in the real world but just for comparison, my 96 year old great uncle and his wife gave me and my guy a warm welcome 15 years ago at their home and then sent us Christmas cards. Parents on both sides, cousins, neighbours, they all treat us with respect. If they have any stupid ideas, they keep them to themselves. This has been my life for 20 years and I'm now 44.

It's good that you're giving your parents time to adjust, it's the decent thing to do.

Never forget you're doing them a favour though. Before too long, they need to get over any sulky tantrums or silly fears, show some respect and give you the welcome as their son that you deserve.

First thing I thought when I read your story was "WTF still??? Have they been living in a bubble or a commune or something?? They should be happy for you!!!!"

BUT I am not known for being a patient man sometimes so maybe I should chill out a bit.... And now that I have all the grouchiness out of my system, above all:

Congratulations on being yourself! And welcome aboard.

 

[eastofeden]

Congrats!!! It is always a great feeling and totally worth it to be true to yourself

 

[dontaskme69]

I know it doesn't exactly work like this in the real world but just for comparison, my 96 year old great uncle and his wife gave me and my guy a warm welcome 15 years ago at their home and then sent us Christmas cards. Parents on both sides, cousins, neighbours, they all treat us with respect. If they have any stupid ideas, they keep them to themselves. This has been my life for 20 years and I'm now 44.

It's good that you're giving your parents time to adjust, it's the decent thing to do.

Never forget you're doing them a favour though. Before too long, they need to get over any sulky tantrums or silly fears, show some respect and give you the welcome as their son that you deserve.

First thing I thought when I read your story was "WTF still??? Have they been living in a bubble or a commune or something?? They should be happy for you!!!!"

BUT I am not known for being a patient man sometimes so maybe I should chill out a bit.... And now that I have all the grouchiness out of my system, above all:

Congratulations on being yourself! And welcome aboard.

I appreciate it!

- - - Updated - - -

Congrats!!! It is always a great feeling and totally worth it to be true to yourself

Thanks so much!

 

[Seasoned]

Thank you and congratulations! This is a wonderful expression of your journey.

I have deep sadness that so many of us think horrible things about ourselves, are scared, and/or ashamed. We all get that glimmer of a thought or feeling that we're different, often around the time kids are age are making remarks about gays. My heart goes out to those kids.

I'm so happy you're out. Even the Bible Belt can come around with enough coming out stories. Being out normalizes all orientations.

Thanks, again and best wishes!

 

[Pierresro]

I was married right after I got out or the army when I was 22 . I came out out my wife at 31 we divorced and are still on good terms I have two sons who refer to me and my married partner as Dad.In the ary and up to 31 I was a deep in the closet guy. But a few times on 3 day passes when me and an army buddy went clubbing but did not score at picking up girls to fuck. We would head back to the hotel put on pay porn and jack off together. One day He said if you let me fuck your ass Id let you fuck mine we can flip a coin to see who goes last. I turned red as hell and said are you for real. He said yeah we shut the lights out and just think like we are ding a girl man. He ten said lets shower we can change our mind man. I let him go first that first night. Once in he started sucking my pecs I was moaning and said oh fuck tongue kiss. Happened a few times but many times we did get a girl back to the room. He like me is married although he now to a woman!

 

[neditesjamais]

So happy for you, dontaskme69! And even happier that you took the time to share your positive experience. It really helps to know others' stories.

Ned

 

[dontaskme69]

Thanks so much for the support everyone! It is really a great feeling!

 

[GayGHOF]

Coming out is difficult, even nowadays, so I can only imagine what you went through. We should all be able to be ourselves, but some still cannot get past their homophobia.

I was more fortunate in that my mother caught me with a boy when I was 13 and she was very supportive, my father not at all. He passed away when I was 15, so he really never knew that that boy was more then a one-time thing. But this was back in the early 1960's when it was really taboo. Fortunately I met an over-sexed bisexual woman when I was 20, my first and only woman. She had a similar concern because she was not only bisexual, but very promiscuous, so she feared no man would ever want her. Ironically, although we shared men often throughout our marriage, I struggled telling her that I am gay, not bisexual. However, once I did, both she and my mom said 'finally.' I think sometimes people know even before we confide in them.

 

[offthewall14420]

^ I'm still surprised by the backlash it produces when acquaintances or relatives find out or are told. Many of the males suddenly become very affectionate w/ GF's or wives. Like overcompensating.

There's big anniversary party that I've been "encouraged" not to attend. So many relatives are evangelicals and it would be "uncomfortable" for them. We were raised in a very WASP manner. No hugging, affection, and talk of anything intimate related was impolite.

I was not popular within a highly masculine company bc I did audits. I'm a huge fan of keeping work/personal life separate. When the topic actually came up they were surprised (over a false accusation of homophobia ironically). My boss said something stupid but w/ good intentions (evangelical). I reflexively replied, "I don't give a shit how you feel about it." He was a c-suite and was going to kick me down to another mgr but i quit first.

Not all sunshine and rainbows but it's a hell of a lot better than 20 years ago. Progress.

 

[eastofeden]

When I met my boyfriend..now husband....he had not come out to his parents and so I pulled "that card" right away and told him I couldn't be with someone who wasn't out...and that was true. I could have sex or be friends with someone in the closet but never a relationship again...did that once already.....I don't want to be the "special friend" UGH....

The mother and sister who he told first and to his credit right after I told him I need that begged him not to tell Dad because he might commit suicide....

What a crappy thing to say....

WTF....so...I spilled my secret to my BF. "Dad" was a regular customer of mine in the gay bar. He had tried to pick me up many times. He was open about it too to his family but I also worked bartending in a straight bar at the time part time so I wasn't gonna say anything...not the "gay" bar part...just the "bar" part...told everyone in the family that he knew me and told the mother "See...I told you he looked like Burt Reynolds"...and then she was trying to seduce me... EWWWWWWW...They were both big fans of Burt..I couldn't stand the guy.

It was bizarre.....the people who consider themselves "above it all" are so often not above anything....

The finger pointers..they all have secrets too. Using God to hide behind only works for them and people like them....I don't see anyone else buying it.

 

[offthewall14420]

Agreed. I look at my family tree, past/present, and can see a lot of repressed gays.

 

[offthewall14420]

Okay, so maybe it's just my mom who thinks it will make them uncomfortable. Lol.

 

[dontaskme69]

When I met my boyfriend..now husband....he had not come out to his parents and so I pulled "that card" right away and told him I couldn't be with someone who wasn't out...and that was true. I could have sex or be friends with someone in the closet but never a relationship again...did that once already.....I don't want to be the "special friend" UGH....

The mother and sister who he told first and to his credit right after I told him I need that begged him not to tell Dad because he might commit suicide....

What a crappy thing to say....

WTF....so...I spilled my secret to my BF. "Dad" was a regular customer of mine in the gay bar. He had tried to pick me up many times. He was open about it too to his family but I also worked bartending in a straight bar at the time part time so I wasn't gonna say anything...not the "gay" bar part...just the "bar" part...told everyone in the family that he knew me and told the mother "See...I told you he looked like Burt Reynolds"...and then she was trying to seduce me... EWWWWWWW...They were both big fans of Burt..I couldn't stand the guy.

It was bizarre.....the people who consider themselves "above it all" are so often not above anything....

The finger pointers..they all have secrets too. Using God to hide behind only works for them and people like them....I don't see anyone else buying it.

Thanks for that, I like the insight!

 

[fsubbb]

It was a great read, beautiful story, I could say that I know that feel too! Since i've decided to come out (shared my story here: http://www.justusboys.com/forum/threads/431842-Coming-out-to-my-best-friend ) my life got a lot better, I'm 32 years old and I do too question sometimes if/why I took so long, but at the same time it's probably the way it was supposed to be.

I feel a lot better now and since then i've come to some other friends, my next step is going to be my mother, but I'm sure she will be supportive (and probably already knows), she is so open minded that I'm not worried about her reaction, just a little hehe.

 

[dairyking469]

Congratulations! Wish I had the courage to come out as bi. I’m very scared.

 

[SeaCore]

Congratulations! Wish I had the courage to come out as bi. I’m very scared.

You could take a small step and change your orientation on here from 'gay' to 'bisexual'.
You may even want to make a new thread that centers on you and your fears. Maybe people could get you to think about some things in a different way or offer an approach that lets you be more comfortable introducing the idea to people that you're bi.

 

[neditesjamais]

Yes, dairyking469, what SeaCore said^.

And also consider PMing some of us who do post our orientation as Bi. Me, for example.

It is NOT easy, but we must become more visible. There are still far too many who deny our existence.